no contact

[cleveraccountname]

Okay, so I've posted my story before but the basics are: We fought over little **** and a couple of big things.

 

My wrongdoings: Stopped taking as much pride in my appearance. Also, we broke up for 2.5 months last year, I hooked up with another girl. When me and ex got back together, didn't tell her about it. Also continued to talk to the other girl on a friend basis, although not very consistently. When my ex got pissed off about it, I told her she was being irrational etc...I didn't tell her because I didn't want to hurt her, but I should have severed all contact with the other girl when we got back together. Anyway, I made a mess of that one. I did tell her about 6 months ago, she was very angry as you would imagine, and the issue kept coming up for about 3 months or so until i told her she had to make a decision about whether or not she could move past it (we stayed together)

 

Her wrongdoings: In the past, quite clingy. Somewhat threatened by me having more friends than her etc.... In the last few months she's been irritable, distant and seemingly drawn to a lifestyle of partying and being a wild child (ie - drinking till she spews, wanting to take pills etc...) Also in the last few months, she's been really quite selfish.(bitchy towards people who have done a lot for her, unkind to my family who have done nothing wrong to her, and always expecting me to be the one who patches up our arguments etc...even if she's mostly at fault) Lastly, she kissed another guy (the extent of the kiss is unknown to me. She had been drinking a lot that night) Anyway I probably would have forgiven it if she said it was a mistake, she was drunk, it meant nothing, it would never happen again etc...but she told me, i got upset (tears were shed etc, she cried too) within a few minutes she had packed up some of her clothes in a bag and left (this was about 10 days ago i think) Anyway, soon after that I was made aware that she had been messaging this dude for the two days between when they kissed and when i found out (saying things like 'i think you're beautiful and far too sweet etc...and saying she didn't wish it didn't happen because it showed her that she needed to be single' - this was all while she was still sleeping in the same bed as me and telling me that things were going to be okay, although i felt like something was up) Anyway, I don't think shes interested in BEING with this guy because he's not her type. (ie- she's the artsy chick and he's a jock)

 

Anyway, SINCE then... she's been partying like mad, drinking a few nights in a row and taking pills etc, and I've heard reports about her attitude towards what she did (really cocky and self-indulgent) - she's said to people that she doesnt feel that guilty) In the last few days she's been visiting her family in another city. I sincerely doubt she told them that she cheated, and I have been in contact with her sister but I never mentioned it because it would be a dick-move to do so.

 

 

Anyway, since the big night, she only messaged me a couple of times mostly in regard to getting her stuff etc...and some other things that were very selfish and insensitive considering how upset and broken i was, although i didnt let her see that.

 

In the past few days that she's been with her family, she's sent me two messages. One was simply: 'how are you? ' (now, I suppose this was only pity. I guess maybe she's seen her family and they're not fuelling her self-justified actions etc, they wouldnt have said anything bad about me) The frowny face though? Would you put that to illustrate that you were sad? I guess it doesn't matter but faaaaaaaaarkk it sucks because I want to know what she's thinking and feeling but I don't want to contact her. I didn't reply to that message.

 

The second message was mostly just 'getting-her-stuff-related' although it was signed with a 'hope you're going okay x'. It seems insane that she would send me a kiss considering she kissed someone else....weird. I replied to this one with a completely neutral, to the point message (with no kiss, of course!)

 

QUESTION: Do you think it's just a case of her guilt catching up with her? Like - she's partied hard and tried to forget about it all, been a bitch which makes her feel like she's done nothing wrong, but then been seperated from her questionable friends and then BANG - she's realised the extent of her actions?

 

QUESTION: This 'freedom to having new experiences' thing, which seems to be the contributing factor to many break ups - is it unavoidable if people havent had a chance to take advantage of the single-life? For the past few months I have had the feeling that she wanted a piece of the drinking, drugs, partying, hooking up, rebelious lifestyle, although perhaps i didn't want to accept it. It's as though she wants to be popular, have lots of friends, be lusted after by guys (she's always had fragile self-esteem) Now she's not an empty shell of a person, she's very very smart (book smart mostly!) and she's attractive but it's as though she needs to get the approval of others to feel good about herself. I suppose this is directed at women - have you had experiences with this attitude towards life? Where being popular, lusted after etc is all-important? I know it sounds very highschool but I guess some people don't have a chance until later in life.

 

 

I would like imput but understand if I get no replies, I've written far too much. Sorry! If anything it was a good way to get out my thoughts...Thanks

 

Oh, and in light of the thread title - don't break no contact! I can't tell you how many times I wanted to call her and try and work things out, it would have been a disaster!

Edited July 5, 2010 by cleveraccountname

[jond77]

I think it does seem inevitable. It is a shame though. It is amazing how the same themse keep coming through our stories.

[jond77]

I just re read your post. I think the guilt may be catching up with her. I have heard that people feel guilty after the newness of being in the new single situation starts to wear off.

[Amber24]

This girl sounds like trouble. She's already going on a downward spiral and you could easily get sucked into it- run!

[Amber24]

Also NC is the hardest thing ever, I don't know how ppl do it! But sounds like u are making a good choice!

[nihilanth100]

Thats what happened to me man! She wanted to go experience partying and doing drugs, and I was over that stage in my life and didn't want to be with her because it would be detrimental to my life as well as hers. (both in college pursuing degrees).

 

So my ex met someone else just like yours had that could provide that single partying lifestyle.

 

Now you have to think about why you would want to keep such a person that is willing to ditch you just to **** around and get wasted with drugs and alcohol.

 

Brutal honesty there but its hard to accept.

 

Q1: I'd say stay NC and begin to move on. Her texts mean nothing and its all to lessen the guilt shes feeling. You're doing her a favor if you text back, she needs to learn from this as much as you. Stay strong, move on.

 

Q2: I feel like it is a huge factor. It was for me in this last relationship. I felt like i needed to experience other women and stuff too. My ex felt like she needed to be single and she felt that she was allowed to go get wasted and drugged up with random dudes. She didn't care what anyone else thought. I think im getting into the anger stage!

[ResetReality]

lol

 

how many times eh,

 

exactly what happened to me, I went way past that stage in my life, at one point we all want to rebel and experience new things, thing is, my ex was wrapped in cotton wool and was brought up on disney movies, that everything is the world is fantastic and that bad things will never happens to her and even if they do it'll all work out ok

 

now, as she got older, met new people, i guess she wanted the freedom to do whatever she wanted without the extra "baggage" (me)

 

partying, drinking, clubbing, which i can understand, i say we've all gone through the same thing, we need to experience these things to find out who we are, what hurts is she ditched me to do all these things, why? why couldn't i be there? i was her best friend and her boyfriend

 

although i was uneasy about her going out mainly because i know what goes on at this "experimental" parties its not like i would of stopped her

 

but like nihilanth100 said, do you really want a girl who is willing to P15s it all away after something so silly?

[cleveraccountname]

Very appreciative of the input, really, you guys are great. As for the cotton-wool example, yeah, it's pretty much the same - well sort of. She was raised in a fairly religious home, was a virgin when I met her, she drank and smoked weed a little bit during highschool and when she met me she was sort of liberated from her conservative parents etc. I guess I sum up her actions as a combination of plain selfishness, wanting to have 'experiences', and also wanting to get the approval of others, which includes being lusted after buy guys (she has low self-esteem). She doesn't feel close to her family, doesn't have any really close friends, so I guess 'being a part of something' would seem attractive to her. Problem is, she's painfully impressionable, greatly influenced by others, tv shows, movies etc...most of our relationship she's been really clingy and always insisted that she would never be unfaithful, talked about having kids etc...but yeah, last few months it's all changed! She has so many amazing qualities underneath this new self-indulgent, careless, and somewhat self-destructive outlook on life....I wish she'd just grow up and we could have the relationship that I know we could have, but like you guys said - she needs to learn from this, she needs to learn how to treat others, and how the lifestyle that seems so appealing to her now gets tiresome and empty very quickly. Thanks again guys!

[cleveraccountname]

An update: The night I found out about what she did, and she left etc etc, she blocked and deleted me on facebook. Now, 10 days later, her comment on someone elses status showed up, and after searching her name, it seems she has unblocked me. Retarded.