GF needs time to think

[tap78]

Hello, i am a first time poster. Well here is alittle background. My gf and i have been dating for 4years. We have been living together for about 3. Well thing have been good. We argue about little thing, but i am the type who withdraws when we argue. For the last month or 2 thing have been odd, we have been arguing more over the smallest thing. I knew something was propably bothering her. Well i did ask and let things go on. Well thursday night after coming back from her aunts house she woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me she ddn't think thing were working between us. I got so frustrated i punch something and broke my hand. She was crying because she was sad and beging to let her take me to the hospital. I am not a volient person. it just seems like i didn't know what to do and was half asleep. The ride to the hospital was burtal, in pain from my hand, in shock that the gf wanted to leave. We didn't talk much for abit. we spent the night at the hospital from 3am to 11am . She told me she didn't want to end it, just she needs time to figure out what she want.

 

 

We came back home and she packed her bag and i went to sleep. i let her go without making to much of a fuss. She said she would be back sunday so we could talk and she wanted us to make a list of things that made us made and why we were fighting. i agreed because i want this to work. Later that night i got a text asking if my hand was ok. Saturday i sent her a text saying i loved and missed her very much. her reply was we will talk on sunday. Later on i called her mom to ask her if she knew where something was and i broke down into tears about how much i loved and missed her. She asked if i wanted her to come over and talk, i said ok. Well she was here in about 45min or so. I asked if being away was helping and she says she is doing lots of thinking. She had her list of stuff that bothered her. Stuff like she felt like she had to do everything on her own, cleaning dishes. I cook. I told her she always complains when i help saying i am doing it wrong and that i figured she perfered to do it alone. One other thing was that i complain every time we have a couples activty with another couple. Also that we don't anything anymore besides say in and watch movies.

 

All of that are things that can be fixed i told her. But there is still one problem now. She knows she loves me. But says she ain't sure if it is as a friend or love partner. She said she needed a few more days at her moms and that she would be coming by today after work (monday) to just talk more. She called me yesterday and we spoke for about an hr, not about us but just about other stuff, her aunts new house, etc. Spoke to her again last night for abit. She is coming today and i have no idea where all this is going to go. I truthfully lover more then anything.

[jond77]

Hello, i am a first time poster. Well here is alittle background. My gf and i have been dating for 4years. We have been living together for about 3. Well thing have been good. We argue about little thing, but i am the type who withdraws when we argue. For the last month or 2 thing have been odd, we have been arguing more over the smallest thing. I knew something was propably bothering her. Well i did ask and let things go on. Well thursday night after coming back from her aunts house she woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me she ddn't think thing were working between us. I got so frustrated i punch something and broke my hand. She was crying because she was sad and beging to let her take me to the hospital. I am not a volient person. it just seems like i didn't know what to do and was half asleep. The ride to the hospital was burtal, in pain from my hand, in shock that the gf wanted to leave. We didn't talk much for abit. we spent the night at the hospital from 3am to 11am . She told me she didn't want to end it, just she needs time to figure out what she want.

 

 

We came back home and she packed her bag and i went to sleep. i let her go without making to much of a fuss. She said she would be back sunday so we could talk and she wanted us to make a list of things that made us made and why we were fighting. i agreed because i want this to work. Later that night i got a text asking if my hand was ok. Saturday i sent her a text saying i loved and missed her very much. her reply was we will talk on sunday. Later on i called her mom to ask her if she knew where something was and i broke down into tears about how much i loved and missed her. She asked if i wanted her to come over and talk, i said ok. Well she was here in about 45min or so. I asked if being away was helping and she says she is doing lots of thinking. She had her list of stuff that bothered her. Stuff like she felt like she had to do everything on her own, cleaning dishes. I cook. I told her she always complains when i help saying i am doing it wrong and that i figured she perfered to do it alone. One other thing was that i complain every time we have a couples activty with another couple. Also that we don't anything anymore besides say in and watch movies.

 

All of that are things that can be fixed i told her. But there is still one problem now. She knows she loves me. But says she ain't sure if it is as a friend or love partner. She said she needed a few more days at her moms and that she would be coming by today after work (monday) to just talk more. She called me yesterday and we spoke for about an hr, not about us but just about other stuff, her aunts new house, etc. Spoke to her again last night for abit. She is coming today and i have no idea where all this is going to go. I truthfully lover more then anything.

 

Very, very similar to what happened to me mate. All I can say is that of they have started thins thinking that it means that she has started to think about life without you. Be careful because what can happen is that you end up in a process where you are almost "auditioning" for the role as a boyfriend. Ask yourself, those things she is complaining about,what is she doing to correct them? I was trying in my relationship, turns out my partner wasn't. Good Luck

[vivrantflo]

Dude, seriously, just prepare for the end of this relationship.

 

From what you've said, it does sound like she cares a lot about you, and that she does love you. But it also sounds like the romantic love she had for you is gone.

 

She woke you up in the middle of the night to tell you that she's done. Yeah sure, she spent the night with you in the hospital, but as soon as she got back, she still packed her belongings.

 

When women have it set in their mind that they are done, they are done. The list making, and promises to come by and talk to you, are her ways of lessening the pain for the upcoming permanent break up.

 

She says she loves you, but she's not sure if it's as a friend???? If she's not sure, she IS sure.. that it definitely isn't romantic.

 

When a woman is IN love with you, she makes it pleasantly obvious. You need to prepare for the end man. Continue to post

[tap78]

it might be true but i don't know i want to hope it was not all for nothing. When i told her friday to leave her keys behind and she could come over and get her stuff when i was around she started crying saying that is not what she wants. I really think she just got lose alittle in the bad stuff lately and has forgotten all of the good. I hope in all my heart this will just be a steping stone and we will be abale to move on. The thing that bother her are minor thing like letting stuff pile up and no helping with cleaning, me sometimes refusing to go out. all stuff had i known bothered her i could try to change, but she kept it all inside and it really bothered her. she just wants us to do more stuff.

 

 

Dude, seriously, just prepare for the end of this relationship.

 

From what you've said, it does sound like she cares a lot about you, and that she does love you. But it also sounds like the romantic love she had for you is gone.

 

She woke you up in the middle of the night to tell you that she's done. Yeah sure, she spent the night with you in the hospital, but as soon as she got back, she still packed her belongings.

 

When women have it set in their mind that they are done, they are done. The list making, and promises to come by and talk to you, are her ways of lessening the pain for the upcoming permanent break up.

 

She says she loves you, but she's not sure if it's as a friend???? If she's not sure, she IS sure.. that it definitely isn't romantic.

 

When a woman is IN love with you, she makes it pleasantly obvious. You need to prepare for the end man. Continue to post

[sloudrou]

it might be true but i don't know i want to hope it was not all for nothing. When i told her friday to leave her keys behind and she could come over and get her stuff when i was around she started crying saying that is not what she wants. I really think she just got lose alittle in the bad stuff lately and has forgotten all of the good. I hope in all my heart this will just be a steping stone and we will be abale to move on. The thing that bother her are minor thing like letting stuff pile up and no helping with cleaning, me sometimes refusing to go out. all stuff had i known bothered her i could try to change, but she kept it all inside and it really bothered her. she just wants us to do more stuff.

 

Yes, you could change them, but it probably still won't work. I'd say the only reason she even talked about small things was an effort to avoid hurting your feelings. In all likelihood, it's over, and I'd say there's a very good chance she's already seeing her next boyfriend on the side. You might as well just let her go at this point, because if she wants to leave, she's going to do it sooner or later anyway.

 

If there IS any hope of her coming around, the only way to achieve it is to let her go and come around of her own will. If you keep begging her to come back, you'll only come off as desperate, and that will push her further away. Instead, you need to give the impression that you're going to survive and have a good life whether she goes or not. That might make her think enough of you to want to stay, but don't look like you're depressed about the whole thing. Contrary to what Hollywood might tell us, women just aren't attracted to depressed guys.

[nihilanth100]

Generally women make up there minds months before they actually break up. Like you said she was acting funny for two months, and from my experience that was her thinking about her life without you. Thats why it feels so sudden and for such dumb fixable things, its because they have thought about it for a while already, and its usually something more.

 

Your girlfriend wouldn't break up with you for not doing dishes if she really loved you, she would tell you to work on it. So either there is something far deeper at work here or she didn't love you. I'm going with the far deeper theory.

 

For example: You said you refused to go out. You might be thinking that she resented that just because you were lazy or something and the simple fix would be to go out correct? Wrong, what she is probably thinking is "Why doesn't he want to go out with me? Am I not special to him anymore? Does he not like being with me?" Now take this across a few months and maybe she felt rejected by you. I feel this is the way you have to think because often times the dumper isn't clear about why they really ended it.

 

You're probably hurting right now mate, so it might take a few days to really look back without being blinded by grief to see what really went wrong and all the signs. But as everyone will say, we have been there before and can help you now.

 

The only difference between you and me is that while I only have a broken heart, you also have broken hand! Stay strong, I think its time to work on yourself and learn from this. I hope it works out!

[tap78]

i just wanted to say the the comment about new boyfriend on the side would be near imposible. Unless they see each other only during work hours i doubt it. She finishs work at 4 and is home at 4:30. Besides we have worked together in the begining of are relationship and there was alot of that stuff going on at my work..... she says that is beyond disrepectful. I don't think sex or other person has anything to do with this.

 

 

She just left and things went well. She says she is gonna come back on friday. Says that it is positive and that she is glad that i have agreed to help with certain stuff. I know that i have followed zero rules. i have no beged for her to come home either. just let her know that this has been a good time for me to think about how lately the relationship has been one sided. she is just trying to figure out if all those things that bother her are the real reason and so far it seeems to be. She even started talking about ways to split up chores and us going for more walks and both not using the computer as much.. maybe i am dreaming but so far i stilll got hope. she came over here of her own free will.....i didn't ask or beg her to come, actually i told her not to....

 

 

 

 

Yes, you could change them, but it probably still won't work. I'd say the only reason she even talked about small things was an effort to avoid hurting your feelings. In all likelihood, it's over, and I'd say there's a very good chance she's already seeing her next boyfriend on the side. You might as well just let her go at this point, because if she wants to leave, she's going to do it sooner or later anyway.

 

If there IS any hope of her coming around, the only way to achieve it is to let her go and come around of her own will. If you keep begging her to come back, you'll only come off as desperate, and that will push her further away. Instead, you need to give the impression that you're going to survive and have a good life whether she goes or not. That might make her think enough of you to want to stay, but don't look like you're depressed about the whole thing. Contrary to what Hollywood might tell us, women just aren't attracted to depressed guys.

[lkjh]

Start checking to see if there is another man in the picture. Women don't leave over the dishes not getting done

[spiderowl]

It's true that someone won't leave over dishes not being done, but various things accumulate in one's mind and can nag away and demoralise. Eventually, one wakes up and thinks 'I don't feel the same any more'. I'm sorry but I think she has fallen out of love and is trying to see if she can make it work. All the things you are discussing with her now might make a difference, but it might not. Don't think that she is lying to you if she still decides it's not working a few weeks down the line. She probably feels sad and is hoping against hope that her feelings will recover if the little things that bugged her are put right. They might, but might not.

 

It really is up to you whether you decide to give it a go and modify your behaviour but you should be aware that she may not fall back in love with you and this may be a 'see if the good feelings come back' situation. Whatever happens, it does sound as if you've neglected her feelings about various things. Perhaps you two just aren't suited any longer and she is just realising she has different needs from you.

 

Sorry, I hope it works out for you and you both grow together, having learnt a bit more about each other.

[graywolf]

let her go, wait for her to miss you, when she comes back just reignite the spark that was lost. Happens to all relationships, reigniting that spark is like when a fire burns out and you need to resupply it with wood. Doesn't mean the fires gone forever. It's fine. If she doesn't come back, well move on because it wasn't meant to be.

 

Just give her some time and then try again when you think both of you want the same warmth. Then relight the fire! In the mean time, enjoy the daytime while the fire doesn't need to be around.

 

hahaha, horrible metaphor, but i think you get what i'm trying to say.

[tap78]

ok get over the other man theory. i will put my non broken hand in a burning pit of fire if it is true that is how sure i am that is not the problem. i have had a longterm gf cheat on my near the end of are relationship, i know the signs. She wouldn't do it she has to much familly values and think that it is wrong. trusth me on this one. I would bet all i owned on top of the fire pit .

 

 

but even if only for a month if i get the chance to at least try and make things right then so be it. you know i have been reading these forums and really starting to realize there are alot of negative people. My parents took a one month break once.... married 35 years now. My bestfriend dealt with she much worst then mine and he made it through it and is happier then ever. i agreed **** turns bad alot of the times, but maybe it is this whole nc thing or god knows. who came up with these rules? you know it is like those rules about not calling women after the first date or what ever....i have called a few girls after our first date and no they did not blow me off....instead next thing u knew they were back at my apt doing **** that is probably ilegal in some countries... this is just to say that i think all these rules don't work.....nc, lc all the same if she is gonna come back she will regardless, unless your a stalker

[tap78]

oh p.s this is not just about dishes ther are a few other things aswell family stuff and what not. But she says that she just thinks that the fact that she was mad about alot of thing clouded her feelings of love. she says being at her mom and us talking has been helping to left that cloud. again she was here for only about an hr or so. of her own free will, i dis not ask her to come i actually told her not to. but anyways.......HOPE it can't really do any wrong. if it does not work i will move on, i have no problem with that. in the end i want her to be happy, which is what you want for someone you love....

[monkeymaid]

you are right about wanting the people we love to be happy,but what about you? why wait for her to decide if she is going to make you happy?

 

bud, you are not out of this yet,but your best bet of fixing it is by making yourself scarce and fast!. ...like call her up and say, "we should be apart and in nc if you need time to make up your mind cuz there is no way in hell im going to sit around while your being wishy washy. either you commit, or i bounce." end of talk, go cry for 14 days, then watch her come crawling back.

 

 

my guess is that the excitement was lost and you became complacent in the relationship. ...it happnes to everyone at some point or another, the question is are you both inlove enough to make it through that slump!

 

good luck bud

[BiAxident]

As someone who is currently twisting in the wind waiting for a woman to make up her mind, I must echo the sentiments being expressed in this forum. A woman who loves you and is IN love with you wouldn't leave so suddenly.

 

Of course, in her mind she has probably been dropping you clues that she was upset and not content with the relationship. At least that was the case when my relationship ended.

 

Still, the fact that you've already said you would move on, and that you want her to be happy because you love her, shows that you are in a pretty good place mentally. I hope to join you there in a few weeks!

[vivrantflo]

You say a lot of people on this forum are negative, and that's not true. There are a lot of hurting people, but there are also hundreds of people that have been in your shoes, and 95% of those situations never had a "postive" outcome.

 

Try not to think of some posters as being negative, and raining on your hopes of reconciliation.. a lot of us just see the situation for what it is, and we offer the advice we feel is appropriate.

 

I'm glad to hear that you'll move on if things don't work out for you. My personal opinion would be to seriously prepare for her not to come back. If she was serious about really wanting to be with you, and work out the problems you two have, she wouldn't have packed her belongings and left. Hour long visits would mean nothing to me. All that shows is that she's still somewhat attached.. just not romantically.

 

Good luck

[archivist]

I was in as very similar situation over a month ago, and I have to agree with the other posters. I'm not being negative or bitter but she had made up her mind before this, 2 months as you say. You can only hope that she will come around and want to actually work this out after some space, and you do your part to be mature and supportive of her decision no matter how much it pains you.

 

My advice is that if you both do decide to continue the relationship you need to get to the root of what has caused this and work at resolving it otherwise she will do it again, its just a matter of time (1 year for my ex).

 

Keep us updated on this as I said before, my situation was very similar. I hope it works out better for you then it did for me.

[tap78]

Well kind of an update. She was around tuesday to drive me to the hospital. Went ok no real talk about us, Wednesday night she called just to talk, said she wanted to go out for supper on friday and spend alittle time together, see how stuff went.

 

We spoke last night and she said she was still trying to sort out what she felt, here moms was like a zoo and she could not get a minute alone to think. I tried to get out of us going for supper but she said she really wanted to. Well supper went well, she came back here after we talked about different stuff but not really bout us. At the end of it all ( almost 5hrs together), she said that her mom and dad were gonna be gone most of the weekend and she would have time alone to think. And said we should not speak for the weekend this time. I told her that i had no plans of calling. She could let me know when she made up her mind and we would see what happens. Also told her i would be keeping the apt. if she decides to leave. But she says she does not want to discuss that now. I told her that i have been patient and that i want her to make the discission that will make her happy. But i will not be her friend and what not, i am not up to it. It never works, someone always gets hurt. So that is it. She knows how i feel, i feel bad for her being so confused, but more time goes by the more i am getting upset instead of sad, and soon i wonder if i will want her to come back.

[listen_to_me_please]

your girlfriend is seeing someone else.

i gurantee this.

change your phone number, give her, her things.

 

when they start to say things like

"i need time to think"

"i need time alone"

"don't contact me on the weekend because I'm thinking"

 

aka

I'm just preping you for the end, I already gave you the reasons why NOT to talk to me, I'm going to go on some dates and have sex with other men.

I am going to keep you as a backup but I don't want to tell you I'm seeing other people because I don't know if it will work out or not.

 

When was the last time you had sex with her?

When did the problems start?

When did the sex stop?

 

Your relationship is over.

[banser123]

I agree. I know it will hurt you but it seems another guy is involved. That's why she wants no contact for the weekend. Its natural for you to have hope but from an outsiders point of view its not very likely. We know from experience. Move on now bc the longer u wait the more harder it will be and the more u will hurt in the long run. I can honestly feel your pain. I wish u the best of luck. If I can help anyway just let me know

[vivrantflo]

You got mad when other posters told you that she has another man waiting in the wings, but you need to open your eyes.

 

She doesn't want to hear from you on the weekend, cause I'm pretty sure she has a date, or will be spending her time with someone else.

 

The next few months are going to hurt real bad, we've all been there. Your best move is to get rid of her, kick her out of the appt, and go NC.. Don't let her prepare to leave you, but shake her up by kicking her out first. Like, yesterday.

 

Keep posting, cause we're all here for you.

[Binster]

Got to say mate it's not looking too good, but at least you sound ready to deal with whatever hapens.

Could be a good idea to start geting out on the town and looking for someone new just in case.

In spite of what you might think I know everyone would like to see a happy result for once, hope yours is it.