Frustrated with myself, my ex, and wondering why we haven't moved on...

[Amber24]

I am so frustrated with myself!

 

For 8 years I have been off and on with this one guy. We had an amazing great start to our relationship, both involved in similar volunteer and spiritual activities... Thing started slowly and gradually developed into a pretty deep relationship. I broke up with him the first and second time about a year apart because I felt like we kept hitting a wall. He was very financially unstable and always "broke", also I found I couldn't always believe what he was telling me. Also, he became progressively less involved in our church and the past few years stopped going all together.

 

In between this time I have gone away to school and come back every summer, and we've pretty much stayed in contact the whole time with a few months or so silences. Even though I have continued to move forward in my life, and have even dated other guys (although never felt as strongly toward them as my one ex) I find myself continually being drawn back to him!! I have even noticed this summer how he has been very rude and disrespectful to me at times, getting mad at me about little things, going away for weekends with his friends and not really telling me ahead of inviting me, and overall not being considerate of my feelings. Other than these times, when we hang out I feel very comfortable with him, like I can relax and be myself. However I am really asking myself why I keep talking to him, wanting attention from him and being drawn back to him when he still doesn't have a stable job, has gotten really into weed, and at least half of the time is pretty disrespectful to me and my feelings.

 

Another thing that I really don't understand about him is that all this time there has been no other girl but me. He has told me in the past and in past letters he's written me that because of things he experienced in his childhood he never wanted to love any woman and never wanted to allow anyone else to hurt him. Maybe I was that woman and this is payback now for hurting him? Its hard to believe there is no one else for him because he is a pretty good looking and "charming" guy, but he really doesn't let ANYONE get that close to him. I was the closest. Plus on top of that he really doesn't have much to offer a girl since he is broke, still lives with his mom at 28, and has trouble finishing things he starts. I feel bad for him for this as well maybe that's why I allow him to treat me this way and still stay there for him? Deep down I feel he is just confused and hurting, but I still don't think I deserve to be treated the way he treats me. And yet I'm still drawn back. I'm getting frustrated and don't know what to do. I want to enjoy my summer, I'm also hanging out with another guy and even though this guy seems to have it all together and is a very nice and stable guy I just don't look forward to seeing him like I do when I hear from my ex.

 

So I am confused, I just can't figure him out. But part of me knows, the way he's acting, I just need to forget about him. Any insight or what I can do?

[graywolf]

Do you still love him? maybe that's why. And maybe he loves you too? Sounds like you really fell in love with this guy, and who knows, maybe what you got is truly love since you can't get over him even after months of NC and you keep finding yourself back to him. That's how the universe will work strangely enough. You might find yourself with him in the future one day, if you're the only one he will let in. Sometimes that's what this "time and space" does for two partners and they have to eventually realize this I think. Yeah. So maybe reflect on your feelings first and you'll probably be able to figure this out. Because for someone who is dating a well off guy but still finds herself with this other person, then that sounds like the closest thing to love that I've heard so far on the these forums.

[Amber24]

Yes that is the problem I do love him! But I end up feeling bad after talking to him (or trying to talk to him) half the time and although deep down I know he loves me the way he acts towards me is not loving!

[graywolf]

HAha, I think you should tell him how you feel. You see, I'm going through these same type things, and honestly giving advice actually helps me see a clear picture. Just both of you need to talk or spend some time apart. YOU might have to let him go, so that he can work on himself. And when you see that he's ready to be in a strong relationship (because he's doing better for himself), that's a good time to pick things up again. IF he truly loves you, he'll do that for himself and for you. Tell him these things and how you feel, and possibly let him go develop his life. Yes, you might lose him in the process or he might lose you. But I've learned that if you truly love someone, you'd do anything for his/her happiness. And if that means letting him go so that he can improve himself, well you might just have to do that. And as for you, you can just go out and have fun. YOu can choose to date or not date, and if you know you love him so much than just don't date other people but rather spend your time with something you think is worthwhile.

 

My point is, just help him improve himself first. That's what it seems like he needs. NOt to change, but to be ready and to be able to support himself (SO that he can SUPPORT YOU).

 

So you should just talk to him about these things. I'm really no expert, but if you love him, then you would help him find the happiness he needs by doing anything necessary, even if that means letting him go for some self improvement. hope this helps.