JackJack Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 sometimes I really wonder why these women stay with these losers... there's plenty of decent blokes out there... I can understand small issues, but when things are like AVR described, I just fail to comprehend the reasons... I think, IMO alot of people who "stay" in not so good relationships, do so out of co-dependency, they are always worried about the other person and what they are doing or not doing, and not looking at themselves. Good books out there on that subject as well.
flying Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Sure, they are called walk away wives. Then....fast forward a few years (after several years of dating, vacations, fun), and these woman are the most miserable, lonely lot of them all. Wait, so someone who's stuck it out for 20 years in a marriage and is very unhappy and decides to get a divorce shouldn't do that because that automatically makes her a "walkaway wife," whatever that is? Um...at what point in your mind is it ever justified to leave a marriage, if you're a woman?? This sounds so silly to me. Don't you think that sometimes people, even if they're women, have good reason to leave a marriage??? And when men do that, what are they called? I don't understand this way of thinking at all.
Author AVR1962 Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Of my friends who are struggling in their 20 year marriages, or have recently divorced, I can say that in every situation the women has focused on her family and her children, the home and her marriage. The men, and these are all friends so I know the situations well, have been focused on their careers mostly. When the kids started leaving home the women realized just how little inteacting was actually going on and the between husband and wife, and in 2 of these situations the men were bossing thier wives around like they would their children and that created struggles. So it is far not a walk-away wife.
Lovelybird Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Thanks GeorgiaGirl, I think for me #1 & #2 are walking hand in hand. My first husband viewed porn and to me it was no big deal, we even viewed it together. I think it is the addiction in my second husband that is different, it seems he views women in a whole different way....I don't really think he respects women in general but rather sees them as objects for his lust and satifaction if that makes sense. The arm's distance for the intamacy I feel deprived of that is nonsexual and to see my husband so wrapped up in his desire to please himself mkae me feel I have no way into his world, and that probably seems strange to even read. By the sounds of his past relationships with women he has never been close and I not sure he is capable. As for me, I think I need to identify with why I am chosing men who are unavailable to me. I do have a book on the way and perhaps not the solution but I do need to find out why I am doing what I am doing as the choices I am making are only hurting me in the long run. Like the man you broke up with, I also dated a man in between marriages that loved me but I did not feel the same for him. I think in this marriage it seems the way I felt about the man I broke things off with. I could not give to the man that loved me as I did not feel the same. I wonder sometimes if my husband married for companionship, not being the persuer he maybe wasn't completely sure but saw I was interested and went ahead with the marriage and if he has never truely been in love with me I can see how he could not reach out. He was a young single dad who had custody of his sons, had a demanding career which put him on the road, and knowing how he departmentalizes I can see where he saw the need for a mother to his boys, we were having fun, I was the ideas girl and the persuer which were all great for him so he filed all his compartments, made his checks and continued on as all was taken care of and life as he'd always known it went on which meant the contiuation of all he was doing as a single person. That might sound weird but that seems like what has happened.....I have just kind of been along for the ride and as long as I can accept his lifestyle we're good. This post shows you have some self-awareness. When I was reading your post, I found myself confused by your actions. You said you like to be pursued, but when actually your husband did that, you felt disgusted. It is like your heart wants one thing, and your mind needs another. You said you only want unavailable man, I think you probably are right about this. Maybe you fear man's agressiveness and your own vulnerability, when man pursues you, you feel powerless, but you want to be in control, all the time. If you don't encourage his agressiveness, how should he think and feel? He knows that if he pursues you, his action would repulse you, then why should he even try? or I didn't get right here? Not only your husband has intimacy issues, but also most important you have this issue as well. and you are giving out mixed messages. A relationship is a dynamic, if a relationship has one problem, it takes two to play it out, I believe.
flying Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 The fact is that WOMAN initiate most divorces by a LARGE margin....approx 75% vs 25%. This is the walk away wife. I agree that both men and woman have the RIGHT to terminate their marriages....whatever their reason is. Having the RIGHT does not mean that it's not open to discuss as a topic. Obviously, more woman are UNHAPPY in marriages than men as the statistics show. The question is.......WHY ARE THE WOMAN UNHAPPY? Each situation is unique of course. However, due to the GREAT deviation in divorce initiation.....the question begs......Is it that men are MAKING the woman unhappy.......or are the woman making themselves unhappy? Rhetorical of course. No. You say that each case is unique, and then you say that as more women than men initiate divorces, then these are "the" walkaway wife. If each case is unique, blindsided, then I suggest you focus on the OP's post as a standalone case, and not bring your biases into it. She clearly has a pretty difficult situation on her hands, and I don't see that labeling her as a "walkaway wife" when that is clearly IRRELEVANT here is helping in any way, shape or form. I mean, really.
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