How to support my partner who is doing shift work?

[moxo]

My boyfriend has started swing shift work where he works for 4 12-hr days, has a day off, then works 4 12-hr nights with 2 days off.

 

I've noticed that when we spend time together, it's fine, but when he's on shift and we can only speak on the phone (we don't live together and I work 9-5) we end up arguing about little things like thinking the other is in a mood, tone of voice etc. I know I get oversensitive about his tone of voice, although most of the time I am sure he is just tired. He makes the effort to call me every day (and sometimes on his breaks) while he's on shifts and I want to make those calls happy for him.

 

Also, just to note, I don't call him while he is at work, and I wait for him to call me between shifts so I don't interrupt his sleep.

 

I've never worked shifts so I don't understand how hard it really is, so how can I be more supportive of him? Having to adjust to shifts would be difficult enough without me stressing him out as well so I want to make it as easy as I can for him

 

Any suggestions??

 

Sorry, I know we aren't married so it isn't really applicaable here, but I thought maybe some people in long term relationships would have more experience in this area

[norajane]

I know I get oversensitive about his tone of voice, although most of the time I am sure he is just tired.

For starters, stop with this kind of stuff. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He's making the effort to call you while in a f*cked up sleep/wake/work cycle and during his breaks while at work; the least you can do is give him the benefit of the doubt if you imagine some strange tone in his voice.

 

Keep the conversations light. This is not the time to tell him about your problems with your sister, or about your best friend's car trouble, or some long, convoluted story about people he doesn't know or something he doesn't care about, and don't launch into relationship discussions. Tell him a funny story about something that happened, tell him what's going on in the world if he cares about current events (because it's easy to lose track while on shift work), tell him about a new restaurant you'd like to go to with him, and tell him about the sexy lingerie you bought and the great bj you have planned for him when you see him next.

 

Keep phone calls short - don't get bent out of shape if he doesn't want to or can't talk long. If he seems cranky or quiet or short with you, don't take it personally and don't let the call drag on. That's a good time to say, "hey, sweetheart, I know you must be tired/hungry/need to work out/whatever, so why don't you give me a call later when it's a better time?"

 

End calls with something sweet, like, I can't wait to see you Friday, or I'm so glad you called, or I'll be thinking about you...naked.

 

Shift work sucks. Not only do the long hours drain your energy, and not only do the night shifts totally screw with your body clock and sleep patterns, but the swing shifts he's working won't let him get into any kind of rhythm before the next change from day to night shifts. It's the worst kind of work cycle there is.

 

The sleep that he gets won't be as restful as the kind he'd normally get. His brain can't function properly and he can't think as clearly as he would otherwise, so you might need to remind him of things because he might be forgetful.

 

When you do go to see him, offer to pick things up for him at the grocery store or his dry cleaning or whatever, since his schedule may not make it easy for him to do stuff he needs to get done...and he might forget. On his days off, either he'll want to go out and blow off steam, or he'll want to veg out at home. Be flexible and offer to cook dinner or order pizza if he needs the chill time, or be willing to change plans sometimes at the last minute if he changes his mind about what he's up to doing. If you need/want him to go and do something important, schedule it with him ahead of time and remind him as it gets closer.

 

Don't get upset if he needs to spend time with his friends, too.

 

Be kind, be loving, and again, give him the benefit of the doubt.

Edited July 5, 2010 by norajane

[moxo]

Thanks norajane - that's really helpful

 

I'm so used to him working normal hours that I forget how much strain he must be under at the moment.

 

"Keep phone calls short - don't get bent out of shape if he doesn't want to or can't talk long." -- I am going to print this out and stick it to my phone because I always get caught there.

 

So thank you for taking the time to explain all that - hopefully now things will go smoother

[mark982]

moxo,shift work is extremely tough,not only on the body but also on damn near everything else. been working it for years,and if you ask my wife she'll twell you i can be a real pain in the azz while i'm on night turn.