Spark1111 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I don't know. I haven't been posting due to computer problems. I'm on a different computer right now. H moved out Friday afternoon. He told me he got an apartment, but didn't volunteer where, and so I didn't ask. I'm not begging for info anymore. I left before he came to get his things, and my son helped him move. My son called and told me they were finished. I went home, and my son wasn't there. I called to find out where he was, and he didn't answer. I figured he was with his father, and I started FLIPPING OUT! I wasn't expecting that, and I am shocked I was so upset. I'm working on figuring out where all that came from, and plan on talking about it tomorrow in IC, because I know my son has every right to spend time with his dad. After some thought, I think I was feeling betrayed by my son. That's not right at all. Has anyone else had feelings like this? I was thinking I had worked through this, but last night my son and I got into a fight, and he left, and I don't know if I was still harboring those feelings which escalated the situation, or not. He did come back after a while, but I feel like my son is blaming me for the break up of the marriage. My son and I were extremely close until he was about 14, and then our relationship was strained at best almost overnight. It is almost impossible to talk to him about anything, and we have had a lot of problems. He seems so angry at me almost all the time. I think it has a lot to do with all the marital problems going on, but I just really don't know anymore. Eeyore, I am not sure in your past posting what your children know or do not know. But it may be time for a conversation. Not the details, if they are unaware, but something along the lines of, "we both love you. We are here for you. No matter what has happened between your father and I, I want you to have the best relationship possible with him. This is a difficult time for me. I deeply loved him and he hurt me, and I tried very hard for three years but have decided I cannot get over it." Something they can hang a hat on, but with reassurances. Something.....
Author eeyore1981 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 I got a very moving email from my H today. Last night I was feeling a tiny bit better before the blowup with my son. Late this morning, I started feeling a little bit better again. I wasn't even trying very hard to feel better. I had given myself at least 2 weeks to do nothing but wallow in misery, just to get it out of my system. Then, a little later today, my DD, her SO, my DS and I made plans for a late lunch and a movie. We saw 'Grown Ups', which I found extremely funny, btw. My son and I are back on at least halfway decent terms, which helps me a lot. On the long drive home, between the chatting and silliness, I was feeling pretty good. I was thinking, 'If it never gets better than this right here, it's okay, and I can live with it.' After I got home, I tried to get on LS, with crappy results, so I went to check my email, that I rarely ever check, (looking for a response from LS tech help) and right there when I first signed on were 3 emails from my H. 2 of them were attachments I wasn't able to open, and the third was a straight email. It was heart-wrenching. This was about 2 hours ago. I haven't responded. A big part of me wants to call him up and tell him to come home, but I've done that before, and look where I am now. And honestly, what does this mean. I have slowly and steadily fallen apart right before his eyes for the last 3 years, and it is only when he is suffering that it matters. Isn't that right, or am I being vindictive? I don't want him to hurt, what I want is for him to care that I was hurt, is that asking too much? Is it wrong for me to feel like, no matter how sincere his email sounds, this is still all about him? He says he's not trying to make me feel sorry for him and ask him to move back in, and he knows I need time. Also, from what he says, he seems to get a lot of what I have been trying to tell him like forever. I feel so mean and hateful because I NEED for him to get some help before I'm willing to put myself back in this, but I don't want a marriage, I want a good marriage that works, and I feel selfish, but I swear I have been through too much already, I can't risk doing this anymore without some kind of reassurance it is for real this time. I've cried more in the last 30 minutes than I have for the last week. I have IC tomorrow morning, I just need to make it until then.
vestigalvirgin Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Eeyore, What does it tell you that even reading his e-mails makes you feel bad? I'm not talking about what the content of them is. I assume he knows what to write so as to generate whatever emotional response he is looking for. I am just talking about the bottom line that a basic act of communication with him results in you feeling bad about the relationship and yourself? That's not the way it should be. He should be trying to get to a place where, when he sends you an email and you read it, it makes you feel good, or at least better than you were feeling before you read it. This is not about blaming and it is not about who is at fault. It's about the simple fact that he does not know how to make you feel good even on a very simple and basic level.
2sunny Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 (edited) I got a very moving email from my H today. Last night I was feeling a tiny bit better before the blowup with my son. Late this morning, I started feeling a little bit better again. I wasn't even trying very hard to feel better. I had given myself at least 2 weeks to do nothing but wallow in misery, just to get it out of my system. Then, a little later today, my DD, her SO, my DS and I made plans for a late lunch and a movie. We saw 'Grown Ups', which I found extremely funny, btw. My son and I are back on at least halfway decent terms, which helps me a lot. On the long drive home, between the chatting and silliness, I was feeling pretty good. I was thinking, 'If it never gets better than this right here, it's okay, and I can live with it.' After I got home, I tried to get on LS, with crappy results, so I went to check my email, that I rarely ever check, (looking for a response from LS tech help) and right there when I first signed on were 3 emails from my H. 2 of them were attachments I wasn't able to open, and the third was a straight email. It was heart-wrenching. This was about 2 hours ago. I haven't responded. A big part of me wants to call him up and tell him to come home, but I've done that before, and look where I am now. And honestly, what does this mean. I have slowly and steadily fallen apart right before his eyes for the last 3 years, and it is only when he is suffering that it matters. Isn't that right, or am I being vindictive? I don't want him to hurt, what I want is for him to care that I was hurt, is that asking too much? Is it wrong for me to feel like, no matter how sincere his email sounds, this is still all about him? He says he's not trying to make me feel sorry for him and ask him to move back in, and he knows I need time. Also, from what he says, he seems to get a lot of what I have been trying to tell him like forever. I feel so mean and hateful because I NEED for him to get some help before I'm willing to put myself back in this, but I don't want a marriage, I want a good marriage that works, and I feel selfish, but I swear I have been through too much already, I can't risk doing this anymore without some kind of reassurance it is for real this time. I've cried more in the last 30 minutes than I have for the last week. I have IC tomorrow morning, I just need to make it until then. i'm glad you are communicating on some level - that is progress for both of you. it's not YOUR job to make him comfortable. the more comfy he is - the less motivated he will be to change. let him live with what he created. you need to take care of you now. even if he gives you words you've needed to hear - you still need plenty of time for processing any he gives now - and then time for your own healing and what it all means to YOU. don't be in a hurry just because he decided to start talking at the 12th hour. this is his time to start thinking about how it's all affected negatively on you by him being so selfish with his information. he needs to always be thinking of YOU - his W - and how EVERYTHING affects you - not just HIM. find some hobbies, exercise, paint, read etc. do whatever YOU want - for now. stay busy. let him worry about him. you worry about you and your kids. it will be all right. hugs. Edited July 12, 2010 by 2sunny
turnstone Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 i'm glad you are communicating on some level - that is progress for both of you. it's not YOUR job to make him comfortable. the more comfy he is - the less motivated he will be to change. let him live with what he created. you need to take care of you now. even if he gives you words you've needed to hear - you still need plenty of time for processing any he gives now - and then time for your own healing and what it all means to YOU. don't be in a hurry just because he decided to start talking at the 12th hour. this is his time to start thinking about how it's all affected negatively on you by him being so selfish with his information. he needs to always be thinking of YOU - his W - and how EVERYTHING affects you - not just HIM. find some hobbies, exercise, paint, read etc. do whatever YOU want - for now. stay busy. let him worry about him. you worry about you and your kids. it will be all right. hugs. This is exactly what I would've said. Eeyore, emailing you 'heart wrenching' stuff isn't helpful to you and strikes me as an attempt to be very manipulative. People do that whole 'oh but I love you' thing to wangle their way back into our hearts when they've hurt us, but actions, loving actions, are the only foundations on which to build a marriage. He says he's not trying to make you feel sorry for him - that's exactly what he is doing! You are totally correct when you say I have slowly and steadily fallen apart right before his eyes for the last 3 years, and it is only when he is suffering that it matters. Isn't that right, or am I being vindictive? I don't want him to hurt, what I want is for him to care that I was hurt, is that asking too much? Is it wrong for me to feel like, no matter how sincere his email sounds, this is still all about him? No it's not wrong for you to feel that way - you're absolutely right. Of course he should be caring about your hurt above and beyond his and yes, at the moment its still all about him. I am so glad to see that you and your children are having fun together. That's just heartwarming and says so much about how they must feel about you. It's also great to see you feeling a little bit better, that also speaks volumes doesn't it?
Author eeyore1981 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Thank you, everybody. I was emotional and upset when I posted. Seeing someone I love hurting does that to me. I wish he felt that way about me. When I first read the email and realized what it was, I let myself hope, but then I had to pull my head out of the sand and let my heart break all over again. Fun times.
Spark1111 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 If you could open your heart and make a list of what YOU specifically need to heal from this, what would it say? Do it. And send it to him in an email.
Author eeyore1981 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 If you could open your heart and make a list of what YOU specifically need to heal from this, what would it say? Do it. And send it to him in an email. This is direct and to the point. I like it. I getting better and faster at identifying my 'wrong thinking'. Last night my mind was flipping through so many different scenarios of how to deal with this, most of them involving how to go about explaining to him what I need where he will understand it. He does understand, it has just been to his benefit to pretend that he doesn't. It's all part of the mind games he plays, aka manipulation. Of me. I've come to this conclusion before, and let it slip away. It is crystal clear in my head now. I over-explain and add too many details about almost everything to almost everyone as a result of this. Lol, I feel for my poor therapist now, having to listen to me explain for 20 minutes what she probably got in the first 2. I made it through the night without doing something stupid. I feel good about that. I'm off to IC now, and will update later. Thanks!
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