How do I follow through this time?

[eeyore1981]

Married 25 years, together 26. 2 years and 10 months out from Dday.

 

I told my husband about an hour ago to find another place to live. I need this to be over, and I need to stick with it.

 

I've been in IC for four visits now.

 

Trickle truth, trickle truth would be the deluge down the side of the volcano in Switzerland (I think) that had the glacier on it that melted and destroyed towns and killed many compared to the itty bitty crumbs I have been handed. Did I mention 2 years and 10 months since I found out about his affair?

 

Yesterday this came up again over the phone while he was out of town on his way home. He finally admitted about an hour into the conversation (is this even considered a conversation? It wasn't really an interrogation, more of an explaining to him yet again how something had triggered me and I was once again feeling like crap over his dishonesty, etc. etc.) that he was basically lusting after the OW and pursuing a romantic relationship with her. He has kind of admitted this a time or two in the past, but then always reneges and either outright denies it, or claims I misunderstood, or claims that isn't what he meant (yeah, I know, that would be gaslighting) and at first, I swear, I felt a sense of relief, like, finally, we are getting somewhere.

 

We made no more progress in that conversation, and I ended it with telling him we needed to discuss this further, figure out what his thought processes were to get to the point of an A, and what could take place to prevent this from happening again. This is so I can begin, after almost 3 years, to feel some sense of security, to have a chance of building up some trust, and to stop feeling like sh*t most of the time. (It seems my life has become a little bit of fun, contentment, and enjoyment broken up by lots of displaced anger, resentment, and distrust.) He says he is tired of this always coming up, as he always does, and I explained, as I always do, that this will continue to come up as long as he keeps dragging it out and not contributing to resolving this. "Let's work through this and get past it." I said. I also told him it would be a step in the healing process for me if he would instigate this discussion.

 

About an hour or so later, I begin to see how twisted my thinking is, how I'm almost in agreement with H's attitude of he should get a cookie or something after lying to me for almost 3 years.

 

So here we are tonight. Yesterday when we were talking, the call dropped probably 6 to 8 times. One (adult) child called over and over, one called twice, and one called once, that I was actually able to take as it occurred when the call between H and I disconnected. I also got 3 calls between 2 friends and one text.

 

Tonight, the barely adult child who still lives here and is almost always here 24/7 is out of state with another of my children until tomorrow sometime. My other child was at work all day, and then has plans with friends. Most of my friends have plans, it's Independence Day, we're sitting at home ALONE with no phones ringing, and according to H, "There is nothing on TV."

 

The longer he sits there not bringing this up, and I SWEAR this has been probably the most perfect moment since Dday for us to actually have an uninterrupted talk, the more resentful I become. I finally do my SOP, which is to just leave, get in my car, drive around for hours and hours until I numb my brain down enough to be able to come home and not have a meltdown, and I get a few minutes down the road, and all I can hear, even though I have the radio blaring, is that little voice in my head saying, "This is your life, how ya liking it so far?"

 

I turned around and came home. I confronted my H, I told him I wanted him to find another place to live. I said he acted like he should get some kind of award for admitting a little bit of truth, but he was wrong, he should have his a$$ kicked for lying about it for almost 3 years, but he never sees it like that, and he probably never will. I guess in 10 more years, when (IF) I finally have the truth of his affair, I should throw a massive parade for him.

 

He got mad because one of my best friends was kind of having an affair right in front of my face, which triggered me hard, and I dumped the friend. I also dumped another friend for the same exact reason, and H wasn't even aware of it. She didn't do it in front of me, but decided to tell me about it in great depth. H says that has nothing to do with him. I told him it had everything to do with him, and that seeing the one with his side dish and hearing details about the other one gave me more insight into what H had had going on than I was ever going to get from him, and in seeing how these 2 use their spouses for what they get from them while carrying on behind their back made me see how much H used me.

 

So that's it, I've been in my room ever since, and I guess he is sleeping on the couch. He said NOTHING to me at all, which is pretty typical for him.

[eeyore1981]

I stopped my post while I was still in a good enough frame of mind to copy and paste if I got kicked (I did) and it ate my post (it didn't).

 

Anyway, I think I need this to be over, but so far I have been unable to follow through, but I can't live like this anymore.

 

For the past 2 years and 10 months, if you take away the affair, and everything that has resulted from it, the microscopic grains of truth that have been tossed my way every few months or so, the lies, the inability to trust, etc. etc., our marriage has been very good.

 

Oh, now he has decided he is sleeping in here, let me move back into the living room.

[eeyore1981]

I just told him, "Oh, after all this, you think you deserve the bed and I deserve the couch, can't say I'm even slightly shocked." H, "What, you can't sleep in here?" Me, "Why would I want to?" End of convo.

 

If I were to creep to the door in about 15 minutes, I would hear him snoring.

 

Sorry I am rambling so much, but I'm thinking it might help me to come back and read this over and over when I start wavering.

 

I don't know where else to go from here.

[JRoy]

I am so sorry you are in this mess. All I can offer here is just to pray that you find the strength to 'get through the night'. My wife had an A some years back and I have not even gotten the slightest bit of information from her. This web site has been a REAL blessing. It has been my only mechanism to cope until I see a IC next week. And I am sure you will find a lot of help here as well.

[eeyore1981]

I am so sorry you are in this mess. All I can offer here is just to pray that you find the strength to 'get through the night'. My wife had an A some years back and I have not even gotten the slightest bit of information from her. This web site has been a REAL blessing. It has been my only mechanism to cope until I see a IC next week. And I am sure you will find a lot of help here as well.

 

Thanks, JRoy, it's nice someone even read my posts.

 

I've been a member here for a long time, just yo-yoing along. This isn't the first time I've come in here and thought I was determined to end this marriage, and yet, here I still am. I've thought at least once I finally had the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but then reality and logic kick in. I think I'm still at the tip of the iceberg of how much H has manipulated me over the years, and I really thought I was better than that. It's like thinking you are way too smart to fall for it while the con man is taking your money right out of your hand.

[spriggig]

There was a great quote I got from this site, can't remember it...

 

Maybe "So you're leaving your hand in the fire why? Because if you pull it out you're afraid you won't get the chance to put it back in again?"

 

I don't know if the quote fits, but damn, eeyore, I read some of your back posts and I cannot see what is holding you there.

 

The stress you're enduring must be taking a toll on your health. You'd be better off alone, really. But you wouldn't be alone, sounds like you'd have a son to keep you company.

 

Also, you have to know the minute you leave and go NC on his ass there's a good chance he'll spill his guts.

[turnstone]

Some practical stuff that helped me to deal with the situation before I made the decision to leave him and move out -

 

I took over control of everything I could, much like you deciding you would have the bedroom. I watched what I wanted to on the main TV, I bought the food I wanted to and didn't think about catering for him in anyway. I met up with friends, I went for walks, to the gym and I never told him where I was or when I would be back. He had no damn right to know.

 

I also did the more important things like consulting a lawyer and making sure the truth as far as I knew it, was out there. It wasn't the truth? Well in that case he should've been more accurate in his stories.

 

Your H has had no consequence for what he's done and he's got away with it for far too long, Eeyore. Surely you see that you need to take back control of your life?

[JRoy]

There's been no change because no change has been required. There have been no real consequences for his actions. You're still there, he still has his home, his money, his family, and apparently still has the ability to pursue OW?

 

This very good advice that was given to me as "NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES"

[eeyore1981]

 

Yesterday this came up again over the phone while he was out of town on his way home. He finally admitted about an hour into the conversation (is this even considered a conversation? It wasn't really an interrogation, more of an explaining to him yet again how something had triggered me and I was once again feeling like crap over his dishonesty, etc. etc.) that he was basically lusting after the OW and pursuing a romantic relationship with her. He has kind of admitted this a time or two in the past, but then always reneges and either outright denies it, or claims I misunderstood, or claims that isn't what he meant (yeah, I know, that would be gaslighting) and at first, I swear, I felt a sense of relief, like, finally, we are getting somewhere.

 

 

BBM

 

I am sorry I wasn't more clear.

 

My H is not currently pursuing a relationship with the OW.

 

He is just now finally admitting out of his own mouth that is what he was doing while in the affair. Up until now, he has claimed he and OW were 'just friends', even though the actions I am in the know about clearly say there was more. Occasionally, he will tentatively admit to his feelings being more than friends, then take it all back and go with his mantra of "All we did was talk and text!"

 

Most of the time, he even goes back on admitting it was an EA.

 

I'm awake right now because I let him have the bed and came to the living room. I got to sleep sometime around 1am, then shortly afterward, my daughter came in because she decided to spend the night here. I went back to sleep for a little while, then sometime after 4am my son showed up, and knocked on the door, so I got up and let him in and now I can't go back to sleep. He and my other daughter were supposed to not be home until later today.

 

And this is how it is. Today until at least this fall, I can pretty much depend on at least one of my children being around, 24/7.

[seren]

Eeyore, it sounds like you are being spun back to day 1 of D Day and everything that goes with it, all this time and no truth. It is no wonder you are wondering WTF is it all about. I remember your early posts, about the same time as mine and I cannot imagine not having the truth, without it there could be no moving forward, no healing. Your H sounds like he has taken conflict avoidance to another level. But enough about him, what about you? I suppose it is either a back to the beginning What, Why, Where time, where he HAS to answer all your questions to allow you to process what is acceptable to you, whether you are prepared to work on it. I call it informed choice, something A's deny us BS's. The this is how it really is, and us (BS) saying, well that doesn't work for me and onward from there. (God sounds easy, so not).

 

It also sounds like you are trying to do this while life goes on around you as usual. This needs time for thought, talk and even more time for decisions. You have been with your H the same length of time I with mine, it's a huge chunk out of life, that and kids, shared stuff etc is not an easy decision to make, especially when you are still in the dark about where the hurricane that has swept through your world has come from.

 

I have no real advice, just that you need to be driving this, you need information to make informed choice. What did it for H to understand where I was coming from with my need for truth was the Letter to the WS thing that talks about missing bits of a jigsaw. It's on SI (yuck). Take care.

[eeyore1981]

Some practical stuff that helped me to deal with the situation before I made the decision to leave him and move out -

 

I took over control of everything I could, much like you deciding you would have the bedroom. I watched what I wanted to on the main TV, I bought the food I wanted to and didn't think about catering for him in anyway. I met up with friends, I went for walks, to the gym and I never told him where I was or when I would be back. He had no damn right to know.

 

I also did the more important things like consulting a lawyer and making sure the truth as far as I knew it, was out there. It wasn't the truth? Well in that case he should've been more accurate in his stories.

 

Your H has had no consequence for what he's done and he's got away with it for far too long, Eeyore. Surely you see that you need to take back control of your life?

 

Turnstone, I feel as if I have been in limbo for the past 3 years. I have gone over my options so many times, and I have to sacrifice and feel I lose no matter what choice I make.

 

I consulted a lawyer some time ago, and am clear on what my options are there.

 

I've done as you did. I make plans, I do things, and I don't tell him what I'm doing, who I am with, when I will be home, etc. Tuesday will be my 5th IC appointment, and H does not even know I am in therapy.

 

H has been out of town for about 5 days a week for the past 2 months or so for business reasons. A little over a month ago, on a day he was home, we got into a fight over his affair. He left, and the discussion continued into the next day on the phone. I got fed up, and we did not speak for the entire week he was gone. This is the longest we have ever gone without speaking in all these years. This is also when I got into IC.

 

The first two IC sessions I spent talking about my marriage. IC said repeatedly if I wanted to bring H in for MC it would be okay. To date, it doesn't interest me at all. Third IC, I said I wanted to work on me, figure out what it is in me that has allowed me to continue on like this. So, the last 2 sessions, my marriage has barely come up at all.

[eeyore1981]

Eeyore, it sounds like you are being spun back to day 1 of D Day and everything that goes with it, all this time and no truth. It is no wonder you are wondering WTF is it all about. I remember your early posts, about the same time as mine and I cannot imagine not having the truth, without it there could be no moving forward, no healing. Your H sounds like he has taken conflict avoidance to another level. But enough about him, what about you? I suppose it is either a back to the beginning What, Why, Where time, where he HAS to answer all your questions to allow you to process what is acceptable to you, whether you are prepared to work on it. I call it informed choice, something A's deny us BS's. The this is how it really is, and us (BS) saying, well that doesn't work for me and onward from there. (God sounds easy, so not).

 

It also sounds like you are trying to do this while life goes on around you as usual. This needs time for thought, talk and even more time for decisions. You have been with your H the same length of time I with mine, it's a huge chunk out of life, that and kids, shared stuff etc is not an easy decision to make, especially when you are still in the dark about where the hurricane that has swept through your world has come from.

 

I have no real advice, just that you need to be driving this, you need information to make informed choice. What did it for H to understand where I was coming from with my need for truth was the Letter to the WS thing that talks about missing bits of a jigsaw. It's on SI (yuck). Take care.

 

Thank you, Seren. So many people act like this is so easy, but it isn't.

 

I have worked so hard and sacrificed a lot to try to make my life as good as I possibly can. This isn't just words, I've lived it.

 

My oldest child, my daughter, was murdered many years ago. I basically spent years clawing my way back to sanity, while at the same time taking care of and providing a stable home for my other children. Even after all these years, I'm not over it, and I know I am in dire need of competent grief counseling, I just don't know where to find it in this area. That is the worse thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Even on my best day, the loss of my child is always with me, I just don't let many people see it.

 

Another child is bi-polar, and many years were spent trying to get through that and get her on the right track. Things are good with her now, but having already buried a child and having another one threatening suicide when she didn't get her way, but still having to stand strong and firm, it wasn't an effing walk in the park.

 

I survived and made it through a couple of years of sexual child molestation. I left home for good at 17 after a couple of years of playing punching bag to my father.

 

I fight it, but yeah, sometimes, with my background, I think I believe with all my heart I don't deserve any better. Is God punishing me? Was I so horrible in a past life I'm paying for it now? Am I so horrible now, and I just don't see it? I know logically these thought processes are BS, but sometimes I can't stop thinking like this.

 

It's hard to give the full picture in this forum. I have posted in here many times about my struggle with my H's affair. To try to give some perspective briefly, though, this is not all there is to my marriage now.

 

My marriage right now is like this. I can do pretty much whatever I want. I can have pretty much whatever I want. Except the truth about the affair. My husband seems willing to let me get away with whatever I want to, as long as I don't leave him, and he doesn't have to deal with his affair. I think I could even have an affair, and rub his face in it. Sometimes I think he wants me to.

 

I think this is his way of making amends. This isn't what I want. I've pushed the envelope on this from time to time, to see how far he will really let me go, and I have yet to cross a line with him, but have slammed face first into some boundaries of my own.

 

What he is doing, while I am sure he sees it as a major sacrifice, and I'm sure others would agree with him, all I see is this is still all about him.

[eeyore1981]

It's almost 7am here, and I've had less than 3 hours sleep. I had a strong urge about 4:30am to go wake H up and go into a rant about why should he get a full night's sleep in our bed while I'm awake from kids coming in in the middle of the night, but I restrained myself. I consider I have made it through the night.

 

So, what do I do today? Off work due to holiday, and I doubt he will go anywhere. I don't want to spend the day with him, but I don't have any ideas of where to go or what to do. I'm not spending the day shut up in my room. I also live at least an hour away from any 'activities', but I guess it would be worth the drive.

[eeyore1981]

I tried to add this to my response to Seren, but it wouldn't let me edit.

 

I forgot to say, I did have him read the jigsaw story. There was also a thread by a guy who just couldn't seem to see what he was doing, then he would get it, then be back in a few months doing the same thing, and H read that one, too. H knows I am on here, and he read a few of my posts, but it's like if I don't direct him to read specific things, he doesn't even get on here. It's like he will do a lot of things to make our marriage better, except anything involving him taking responsibility for his affair, that he doesn't seem interested in.

[Woman In Blue]

Eeyore, would having your husband take a lie detector test perhaps settle some of the issues you're having?

 

In truth, I GET where you're coming from. You shouldn't have to resort to that if he'd simply start showing you the respect you deserve and be HONEST with you, even though he knows it will be painful for you and perhaps embarrassing (and detrimental) for him.

 

But if he keeps claiming he's been honest with you, then he should have no problem backing that up with a poly - right?

[lolapalooza]

You told him last night that he needs to find somewhere else to live. He needs to spend today doing just that. If you need something to do, busy yourself with packing his clothes. Letting him hang around the house all day just tells him that you are not serious about your demand.

[eeyore1981]

Eeyore, would having your husband take a lie detector test perhaps settle some of the issues you're having?

 

In truth, I GET where you're coming from. You shouldn't have to resort to that if he'd simply start showing you the respect you deserve and be HONEST with you, even though he knows it will be painful for you and perhaps embarrassing (and detrimental) for him.

 

But if he keeps claiming he's been honest with you, then he should have no problem backing that up with a poly - right?

 

If this was a last ditch, all or nothing attempt to save this marriage, that would be the way to go for me.

 

I'm trying to not make it that, though. On Saturday, my H admitted something to me that should have hurt my feelings, but it didn't. I felt relief, and even a little bit of happiness that my H told me he had, in the past, feelings for another woman, and he was basically pursuing that woman to make her an intimate partner with him, while married to me. (Those weren't his exact words, but that is the gist of it.)

 

Maybe in 3 more years, he will admit to having wild monkey sex with her, and I'll throw him a party. (sarcasm)

 

This is ridiculous. It isn't about the affair anymore. It's long past that. It's what has happened since. I'm sure he felt bad about himself admitting this to me, so to me this is proof how little I and my pain mean to him in comparison to himself.

 

He also finally admitted the reasons he felt justified in having an affair was because he felt he couldn't talk to me about anything, and we had almost no sex life.

 

The communication issue. He felt he should be allowed to do whatever he wanted. When what we wanted was in conflict, I tried to have an adult conversation, present my side rationally and reasonably, and expected more from his side than that's what he wants so that is the way it should be, or else agreeing with me, basically to shut me up, then doing what he wanted anyway. Lots of lying going on there, too. When he finally admitted to this, a while back, his excuse was he didn't want to discuss important life decisions with me because I might argue with him. Seriously, that is how he feels.

 

Our sex life. Right after giving birth to our last child and being very, very ill, I said no. In his mind, that gave him the right to punish me, deprive me of sleep, force himself on me, etc. etc. His side of every conversation, argument, and fight about this was it was my duty as his wife to give him sex whenever he wanted, and he was entitled to sex whenever he wanted. Every compromise I tried to make with him that would help me from feeling completely violated was not viable, because for him, it was 100% his way, or nothing. So, surprise, surprise, it became nothing.

 

I take responsibility for staying. I had my reasons, and even after all these years in hindsight, and how this has all turned out, I think I would have felt worse leaving than I did staying, but those reasons are not in play anymore. I do not take any responsibility for the rest of it. Because I did not create these problems, my abilities to fix these problems are extremely limited.

 

And now, here I am. Things have changed a lot, but I am slowly beginning to understand it is only on the surface, and the same basic selfishness he has is still there underneath. That's why I am in IC, and why I am back in here. I need to really see this, I need to understand this, and how messed up this marriage really is, so I can make a clean break. I know it's going to hurt, but I DO NOT want to be 5 years down the road and be an angry and bitter person. Does anyone understand what I am saying? My H is very good at what he does. People don't know, around us, so many people are JEALOUS of our relationship. People think he is so good to me. H has built this nice shiny veneer to cover up all the ugliness underneath, to the point I get taken in time after time.

[eeyore1981]

You told him last night that he needs to find somewhere else to live. He needs to spend today doing just that. If you need something to do, busy yourself with packing his clothes. Letting him hang around the house all day just tells him that you are not serious about your demand.

 

When he got up this morning, I went to bed. I got up a little before 11 and he was gone. He either went to work or is out house shopping.

 

This isn't the first time in the Dday aftermath I've either told him to get out or I've left. I need this to be the last time. I need this to end before I self-destruct.

 

So, if he shows up later today, what do I do? Ask him if he found a place? You have to understand, I feel like a total loser right now. I am so afraid this is just a subconscious effort on my part to get him to see the light, and when it sinks in it is real, I might backslide. I'm not feeling it right now, but it has happened before, and I don't want it to happen again. Last time was several months ago, when I left and went over 1500 miles away, and a few days of talking with him, and I came right back home, like a damn fool.

[whichwayisup]

What an idiot and it seems like he's not remorseful at all, isn't ready to face the consquences, show you how much he loves you or wants to put in any real effort to change, become a better man, a loving and better husband to you.

It sounds EXHAUSTING, your rollecoaster ride of emotions, his truths coming out when HE feels like it.

 

Separation is probably the way to go UNTIL he wakes the F up and chooses to either grind down and work his tail off, prove himself to you or it's time to cut the bait and find a guy who is going to adore you and treat you with the love, respect and care you deserve.

 

I am sorry for your pain. Your H is a fool for throwing away so many years of history with you. HIS LOSS, remember that.

[whichwayisup]

STOP putting yourself down and please, don't blame yourself either. It's non productive and is just making you feel worse.

 

Take control and tell him he has till a certain date to find a place and move out. Whatever you do, don't be the one to leave the house.

 

Don't let him manipulate you either, or if he cries big crock tears, know those are more than likely for show and reaction out of desparation.

 

If he in the upcoming months gets therapy, marriage counseling and shows you in actions how remorseful he is, and you can actually SEE changes in his behaviour towards you, ownership of his selfish choices aka the affair -That's when you talk things through and maybe work together to fix things. Until then, he has to go.. He's killing your heart.

[eeyore1981]

STOP putting yourself down and please, don't blame yourself either. It's non productive and is just making you feel worse.

 

 

Respectfully snipped.

 

I agree. My first 2 IC sessions we mostly talked about my marriage. On the third, I went in and told her I didn't want to focus on the marriage, I felt I needed to focus on myself. If I can identify and work on fixing what is wrong with me, I feel the rest will fall into place. She agreed, and had mentioned in the previous session I had a lot of negativity towards myself. She told me in that session she got the feelings I never felt I was good enough, and she is right.

 

My plan was to work towards how and why I feel like this, and then deal with the marriage, but yesterday I just felt like I had reached a breaking point. That's why I am afraid, I am afraid I have jumped the gun, and am not strong enough to see this through yet. My H has been gone the biggest part of the last 2 months, and it was a lot easier. Now he is home for at least several months, and I think I panicked, just thinking about having to deal with this day after day.

[eeyore1981]

Well, my daughter and her SO have been having problems. SO is now packing, and daughter just asked if she could move back here temporarily while she gets her car fixed and finds a cheaper place to live. I guess the more the merrier.

[Woman In Blue]

Our sex life. Right after giving birth to our last child and being very, very ill, I said no. In his mind, that gave him the right to punish me, deprive me of sleep, force himself on me, etc. etc. His side of every conversation, argument, and fight about this was it was my duty as his wife to give him sex whenever he wanted, and he was entitled to sex whenever he wanted. Every compromise I tried to make with him that would help me from feeling completely violated was not viable, because for him, it was 100% his way, or nothing. So, surprise, surprise, it became nothing.

This man is physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive.

 

Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, you're finally at your LIMIT, Eeyore? Maybe you're at your LIMIT of being violated in every possible way a woman can be violated by an abusive son of a bitch? I'd wring his damned neck myself if he were standing in front of me right now.

 

Sounds like HE'S the one who needs therapy, and lots of it.

 

I put up with a verbally and emotionally abusive jerk for 2 years - and I left him. If he'd dared to violate me sexually on top of all the other garbage, I probably would have smothered him in his sleep. Life is too damned short to be some jerk's emotional punching bag. I hope you find the strength to break away from this man, I honestly do.

[lolapalooza]

Nothing changes if nothing changes. He's most likely betting on you going back on your demand. And if you do, things will go back like before, because once again, he got away without suffering any consequences.

 

You've tried talking to him, you've tried living with him, you've tried moving out. All of these are things YOU'VE done, while he's done little to nothing. It's time for him to do some work.

 

I hope I do not offend, but he sounds like a real jerk. I don't know how he was raised, but any man that thinks they are entitled to sex on demand, and thinks they are entitled to find it elsewhere if their demand isn't met...

Are you sure his affair is over?

[eeyore1981]

Right now H is back home. He brought in some newspapers. I asked him if he was looking for another place to live, and he said isn't that what you told me to do. I said yes, I was just verifying. My son walked in then, so that was it. Son then got in shower, and I caught H coming out of the bathroom, and told him I hoped we could deal with this civilly. I also told him I hoped he would not try to screw me over. He said he wouldn't. I told him DD had asked to move home and I said yes. That was it. Now the three of us are in the same space basically acting like nothing is wrong.