why do you think they cheat

[justhereandthere]

I have alway wonder why the other cheat. You have everything married the person that you want to be with,kids,house and career. But why? does it get boring coming home to a family setting? That you can't go out and do what you need to do when you were single. So you have to hide it? Why do you think your husband or wife cheated on you and now you have all this mess in your life?

[Green]

I don't care why people cheat. Personaly for me I don't like the idea of being a person who lies about stuff like RELATIONSHIPS. So, for me personaly I would never CHEAT.

 

I don't care why people cheat, I will dump a person if they cheat on me.

[driedout]

They cheat out of selfishness and stupidity. I don't cheat either what are their excuses. I dumped my ex fiancee for that reason. She didn't felt sorry when she was about to cheat. Too late for crocodile tears now.

[spriggig]

It's two things together, a non-confrontational personality (aka cowardice) and a need to fill an emotional void. People who cheat are missing something in themselves, something that they have always sought to fill through contact with other people-that something is simply love as expressed through attention.

 

Stable, healthy people fill the void with self-love, they take care of themselves and become whole and then offer themselves as whole people to be in a relationship.

 

Unhealthy people haven't learned to love themselves, they have poor body images and don't trust themselves to do what is right, they are often clingy, needy, jealous and hold grudges. They rely on other people to fill the void and make decisions, and they believe they need the love of an SO to be happy. In fact they DO need the love of another, because they never learned to love themselves.

 

So, what often happens in marriage is that as the less needy one feels secure and becomes complacent, the more needy one clings more tightly just as the secure one pushes away. This cycle continues and the wedge between them grows larger until the needy one gives up and starts looking outside the marriage to fill the void. Rather than tell the secure one that they want out of the marriage at this point, the needy one avoids the confrontation and simply emotionally disconnects while maintaining the facade of normalcy. Now they are free in their minds to seek out a new mate to fill the void. This can be easily justified because the secure one "has done nothing for years to relieve my unhappiness".

 

In the meantime, the secure one is mostly oblivious to the plight of the needy one, because, once again the fear of confrontation has kept the needy one from expressing more than about 10% of what is really felt.

 

On D-Day we get "I've been unhappy for years, how could you NOT have known?!" and "I love you but I'm not in love with you", meaning I'm chasing butterflies with someone who promises to fill the void I should be filling for myself but don't know how to. And "It's me, not you", meaning the exact opposite, "I blame you entirely, as I must to justify my horribly selfish affair, but I don't want to confront you with that so I'll just say I'm blaming my self and you're not to blame at all. Go away and let me chase butterflies."

 

The smart healthy ones, who really love themselves run like the wind the minute the truth is revealed. Many of us though think there is something to save and try beyond all reason to do so.

 

It's pretty simple really.

[2sunny]

usually ego feed, selfish behavior, sense of entitlement, lack of conscience or just sheer justification for their behavior... usually based upon not wanting to face the truth of what they created or what they intended to get out of - which in turn, points toward the coward.

 

they usually cheat because they think they can get away with it.

[seren]

They cheat because They feel there is something missing in their lives that They can find elsewhere, usually, not thinking for one moment, that They should be sorting out the missing whatever first. They cheat because They can easily compartmentalise each relationship, dipping into each to provide whatever They want or need for it.

 

I capitalise They to highlight that it is rarely, in fact almost always never, about the other person, be they BS or OP, it all about the ego of Them. An A helps to feed the ego of Them, helps Them to fill the missing bit, even if that bit could be solved by a bit of introspective thought. The others (BS or OP) may believe that the A is all about them, for the BS this might be a questioning of 'What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? Am I too old? Too fat? Too clever or too stupid'?

 

Fact is, those are questions that drive most BS's around the twist in the early days after D Day and when the WS comes home, still continue to haunt her thoughts. The what if's the I should be's, until the light bulb moment when they realise that the WS is dammed lucky to still have a marriage to return to; and so begins reconciliation and the rebuilding of the BS's shattered self esteem.

I haven't been an OP, but I would imagine it is difficult to imagine how They, having said the marriage was so bad, the BS so whatever, could return back to the marriage, without a backward glance. I would also imagine that the loss of self esteem is also an issue, the Why's, the lies the everything said only to be dismissed when the reality of the A becomes a light bulb moment for the WS.

 

For sure, there are A's where people fall in love, to deny that would be stupid, being attracted to another can happen to us all, I have been attracted to other men, but, and it is the BUT that makes the difference here, I am married, I love my H and just wouldn't cross that line. Not for him, but for me. I just think that we are all inherently selfish, we all want what we want, it's just that some people think of the consequences for others who might be hurt by the fallout and seek to resolve issues, or end toxic relationships first.

 

So, They have affairs, because They want to and make all sorts of excuses to Themselves to justify them.

[Woman In Blue]

You know, sometimes there just doesn't have to be all these psychological reasons for cheating. I've known many guys over my lifetime who simply did it because it was sexually "fun" for them. They weren't stuck in bad marriages, they weren't deprived sexually, they simply wanted a little "variety" - and when the opportunity arose, they were all over it. There are also some people who are very highly sexed and their partners can't possilbly keep up with them. I had a married girlfriend years ago that had random sex with strangers simply because it became available to her and she was always in the mood for it. Blech.

 

What they're doing is very selfish - agreed. But they don't always have to be psychoanalyzed to find a "reason" for their dipsh*it behavior. Some people are just selfish asshats.

[Steadfast]

 

...But they don't always have to be psychoanalyzed to find a "reason" for their dipsh*it behavior. Some people are just selfish asshats.

 

 

Totally agree, but experience here (both on the part of the betrayed, and the betrayer) on LS tends to favor the excellent breakdowns written by seren and spriggig. As an average male who lives and works like most average males, I've many times witnessed firsthand the 'horny husband away from home syndrome'. The men who can't wait to hit the strip club, or more than welcomes the advances of another woman in a bar or nightclub. These same men -on cue- would approach their friends later and swear them to secrecy. Selfish and childish? Sure. Did I do it? That's the crazy thing...I didn't. I loved and adored my wife. It was ridiculously easy to stay true to her because I simply wasn't attracted to other women. If, on the off chance I did meet someone I was 'attracted to' (as in, so utterly beautiful and sexy that every male she met was) then it wasn't an issue because that type of woman never flirted with me. Just being honest! **Edit: Most, if not many of these men are still with their wives and I'm divorced. Both they and their spouses ask "How could this happen? You were such a good husband!" Go figure.**

 

I think what seren and spriggig so accurately broke down is the person who throws away their spouse and family because they are not capable of real love. Seems to me a person should know going in what they need and want (and their weaknesses) but perhaps that's asking too much. In my case and with my ex-wife, ours was a instant hot fire romance. Over time, what I thought we had and what she thought were two different things. I thought we were building a life, she thought we were building a prison.

Edited July 5, 2010 by Steadfast

[OFGnomore]

Totally agree, but experience here (both on the part of the betrayed, and the betrayer) on LS tends to favor the excellent breakdowns written by seren and spriggig. As an average male who lives and works like most average males, I've many times witnessed firsthand the 'horny husband away from home syndrome'. The men who can't wait to hit the strip club, or more than welcomes the advances of another woman in a bar or nightclub. These same men -on cue- would approach their friends later and swear them to secrecy. Selfish and childish? Sure. Did I do it? That's the crazy thing...I didn't. I loved and adored my wife. It was ridiculously easy to stay true to her because I simply wasn't attracted to other women. If, on the off chance I did meet someone I was 'attracted to' (as in, so utterly beautiful and sexy that every male she met was) then it wasn't an issue because that type of woman never flirted with me. Just being honest! **Edit: Most, if not many of these men are still with their wives and I'm divorced. Both they and their spouses ask "How could this happen? You were such a good husband!" Go figure.**

 

I think what seren and spriggig so accurately broke down is the person who throws away their spouse and family because they are not capable of real love. Seems to me a person should know going in what they need and want (and their weaknesses) but perhaps that's asking too much. In my case and with my ex-wife, ours was a instant hot fire romance. Over time, what I thought we had and what she thought were two different things. I thought we were building a life, she thought we were building a prison.

 

 

No the person that Seren and Spriggig described is not necessarily someone who throws away his wife and family. He's probably a serial cheater though.

 

And I think the horny H you described is just superficial presentation of what was described. Seriously, a man, with a healthy sense of self esteem and deep respect for his mate and himself, screws another for a opportunity because they're horny? Strip clubs too? Please. Since most of these men aren't telling their wives their actions say, I don't respect and love (cherish & treasure) you not to do this and I'm going to do this behind your back. Because if I really was capable of mature love,(and they are not because of the reasons described above) I wouldn't do something I'd have to hide from you because I already know how much it would hurt you.

Edited July 5, 2010 by OFGnomore

[seren]

I know and understand why my H had the A, doesn't make it any easier, but I understand. Sure there are some where sex is the driving factor, but I can, hand on heart, say it wasn't so in H's case. This was confirmed by OW and I also understand why. In H's case, one too many tours in Iraq, some of what happened to him while out there and my dice with cancer all helped to create a man who felt so crap about himself he just didn't feel he was worth anything. To try to resolve all this (and more) by having an A was pretty stupid, but he chose to avoid conflict by running away and trying to create a new him in a new world. The life at home and who he was there was just so out of control (for him).

 

If, for one tiny moment I thought he was a serial cheater, then I certainly wouldn't be here and we wouldn't be in the place we are today, and we are in a dammed good place with a dammed good marriage. I absolutely could and would not stay with someone who's reasons for cheating were for purely selfish reasons, many would question why I stay, but it is the fact that I know my H, our marriage and the why's and wherefore's of the A that I stay. The A does not define our relationship, it is but a part of it, a horrible part of it, but then life is not always sunshine and flowers.

 

I wish H had chosen another way to deal with his issues, but he didn't and as long as I understand why he had the A, then that is good enough for me.

[Spark1111]

I think there is those with an emotional black hole that they expect others to fill for them, as mentioned above.

 

And then there are those who do not have enough respect for the institution of marriage, the tools to be married well, and get caught in the attitude of "what she doesn't know can't hurt her, so I'll have some tale on the side."

 

These are the selfish, self-entitled, IMO.

[vestigalvirgin]

I think these reasons all make sense but I also think cheating is to a large extent biological.

 

Sexual urges are pretty basic so not cheating if the opportunity arises is a matter of proper socialization and self-control.

[LauraPV]

I think there is those with an emotional black hole that they expect others to fill for them, as mentioned above.

 

I think this almost appropriately describes the reason why most cheaters cheat, however, I think describing it as an "emotional black hole" makes the need for emotional support or validation sound like a personal failing or a psychological disorder.

 

Instead, I think we all have that need. We all need to be validated, loved we all need companionship and relationships. That's biological. We're social creatures.

 

For some of us those needs are more than for others, but I don't think it's right to judge people for having more needs than others.

 

Anyway, when a person's emotional needs are incompatible with the, let's say, "emotional output" of the relationship, it drives people to stray. It's the same with sexual needs as well.

 

So for example, if I'm emotionally high maintenance and my SO is aloof and quiet, I may seek to have my needs fulfilled somewhere else.

 

I honestly believe that 90% of cheating has to do with INCOMPATIBILITY. I'm not, however, saying that cheating is okay, it's just understandable.

[Mimolicious]

You know, sometimes there just doesn't have to be all these psychological reasons for cheating. I've known many guys over my lifetime who simply did it because it was sexually "fun" for them. They weren't stuck in bad marriages, they weren't deprived sexually, they simply wanted a little "variety" - and when the opportunity arose, they were all over it. There are also some people who are very highly sexed and their partners can't possilbly keep up with them. I had a married girlfriend years ago that had random sex with strangers simply because it became available to her and she was always in the mood for it. Blech.

 

What they're doing is very selfish - agreed. But they don't always have to be psychoanalyzed to find a "reason" for their dipsh*it behavior. Some people are just selfish asshats.

 

Also a "psychological" issue. Don't you think? It's like a bag of Skittles, there are many flavors as reasons for cheating. A lot people cheat in serch of instant gratification though. I don't think many see how their cheating ways is going to have domino effect on every other aspect of their lives.

[demrea]

sometimes people cheat because the other partner refuses to take part in a sexual relationship ... and the cheater gives in to the basic urge to have sex.

 

still the cheaters fault, but for the spouse who decided sex isnt important, you got what was coming.

[spriggig]

...Still the cheaters fault, but for the spouse who decided sex isnt important, you got what was coming.

 

Nope, this is still not a valid excuse to cheat. Divorce yes, cheat no.

[demrea]

Nope, this is still not a valid excuse to cheat. Divorce yes, cheat no.

 

disagree ... divorce maybe for the BS, but for the one having the sex, no excuse matters anyhow.

[spriggig]

disagree ... divorce maybe for the BS, but for the one having the sex, no excuse matters anyhow.

 

You disagree about what? That cheating is not justified by a lack of sex in the marriage? Or, that divorce is a valid response to lack of sex in the marriage?

[demrea]

You disagree about what? That cheating is not justified by a lack of sex in the marriage? Or, that divorce is a valid response to lack of sex in the marriage?

 

i disagreed that the BS didnt get what was coming ... what do you think should happen when you deny someone a sexual relationship?

 

i know, they should divorce, but sorry maybe the cheater wants the family to stay together and for the sake of a lazy/selfish spouse they should give up sex?

 

Why uproot kids when the solution is so simple?

[Med]

i disagreed that the BS didnt get what was coming ... what do you think should happen when you deny someone a sexual relationship?

 

i know, they should divorce, but sorry maybe the cheater wants the family to stay together and for the sake of a lazy/selfish spouse they should give up sex?

 

Why uproot kids when the solution is so simple?

 

If a cheater is unhappy in a relationship they don’t have to cheat, they can leave. They choose to betray the trust of another person by cheating rather than ending the relationship. There is never a good reason to cheat, there are only good reasons to break off a relationship. Cheating is not only selfish it is cruel. Cheaters are motivated by their own needs. They ignore right and wrong in order to satisfy those needs. They act selfishly and think only of what they want with little concern for those they hurt.

[demrea]

If a cheater is unhappy in a relationship they don’t have to cheat, they can leave. They choose to betray the trust of another person by cheating rather than ending the relationship. There is never a good reason to cheat, there are only good reasons to break off a relationship. Cheating is not only selfish it is cruel. Cheaters are motivated by their own needs. They ignore right and wrong in order to satisfy those needs. They act selfishly and think only of what they want with little concern for those they hurt.

 

fair enough, cheating is a sign of weekness and like i said above, there is no excuse for it.

 

that said, i was answering the question of why some people cheat and then added my opinion that the BS got what was coming (if indeed they have gone cold fish on their spouse).

[GG2W]

It has been my observation that with the passage of time in every relationship both partners change. Let's take passion. Where in the begining the relationship was full of passion, over the years it wanes for one of both.

 

My male friends relate how often their wives get off of sex after the birth of their children. And how their wives now spend most of their time indulging the children while leaving him adrift.

 

My female friends complain about their "couch potato", "football widow hood" and how they despise the game of golf.

 

So what do they do? Spend the rest of their lives wasting away in a passionless, sexless marriage?

 

Divorce is expensive, and they are stuck with child support. It breaks up the family, they still want to preserve. etc.

 

Or fool around on the side.

 

For most of my associates the third choice seems to be the easist way out, as if they don't get caught and I know for a fact that many have taken this route for years.

[LSNoob]

No demrea, sex is a lame excuse to justify cheating. You don't expect your SO to cheat on you when you not in the mood for sex. You don't know whats going through your SO's mind. Instead of sneaking behind like spineless snake, you can talk to them like adults. Is it so hard to ask for open relationship? Or ask for "honey, I'm going to sleep with prostitutes to keep my sex life happy"?

 

but sorry maybe the cheater wants the family to stay together

I mean when you are screwing the OM/OW, isn't that breaking the marriage/relationship already? So why are you hiding it like as if the relationship isn't destroyed. Not like you did something to maintain or strengthen the marriage/relationship, don't you think? And maybe, just maybe, if you decide to start eating your cake, don't you think should tell your SO so they can eat theirs too? But what the s--t, traitors, liars and greedy too, what do you expect from cheaters?

 

and for the sake of a lazy/selfish spouse they should give up sex?

Calm down there bud, hahah:laugh:. No need to make sex sound like it's the most important thing in life, its not like its water or food. Hahahah:laugh:. I mean if it's all about the pleasure, right, I'm sure you can please your self with toys or without toys. Of course that's just temporary until you fix the problem with your spouse. Don't just sit there and say nothing and then BAM!! all of a sudden do something stupid which will risk your marriage/relationship. Then come up with a lame excuse to justify the weakness in your character .

 

i disagreed that the BS didnt get what was coming ... what do you think should happen when you deny someone a sexual relationship?

What should happen? Oh that's simple. So in my case if my future wife/gf denies me sexual relationship, and I confirm that's the final out come and no hope of change, I will just walk up to her and say;

"hey honey, I had enough, and I'm going to sleep with other women if you keep doing this. I will just do it for the sex, then I come back home all happy and feeling good. And if you don't like it, then I give you the final decision, on our marriage/relationship, if you want to end it or be fair with me". (NOW THAT'S WHAT THE BS EXPECTS COMING FOR THEM WHEN THEY DENY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP)

 

Now at this point it's up to her to decide on the relationship ( because she's the one who's being unfair and ruining the relationship, NOT me). So if she really doesn't care about the relationship as much as I do, I can walk out happily not worrying about a thing. So, if there are kids involved, when they grow up they wont say "oh daddy was a sexist pig, he ruined our childhood because he couldn't keep it in his pants", but rather they will know, for a fact, that mommy was being unfair and selfish.

 

Because listen demrea, I'm not saying that sex should be ignored. NO. Absolutely not. But what should be done is, the spouse that is being treated unfairly should speak up his/her mind and try to fix the problem like adults. Because marriage is an adult thing, remember?

 

At end of day, the "lack of sex", just another excuse for cheating. Any faithful person would know how to behave and act in those kinda situations. Cheaters cheat because that's who they are. If there was plenty of sex in relationship, they will say " I'm a sex addict".:lmao: Now is that a thing the BS should expect coming as well?? :lmao::lmao:

Edited July 7, 2010 by LSNoob