he's getting married to an older woman and i'm his bitch

[exotic_angel]

we've known each other for the past 4 years, he's 32 and i'm 25. wen we met he had jus broken up wit an older woman whom he was dating for 2 years (she's 18 years older than him and mite i add her daughter is my age).

we grew to be very close, having mutual friends and a quiet attraction to each other.. our weekend plans always tied in and i became his confident. we spend days and nights talking, playing, cooking and getting close. eventually one year into our friendship we gave into all the steamy temptations and explored sexually.. i lost my virginity to him the decmber of that year.

he spoke of his college gf as the woman he wil always love, i knew this from the very begining but i had hoped and felt like because of all the time we were spending together and the noticeable closeness he was healing and wud one day realize wat was clear to me - how well we fit.

through all of this the old bat always kept in touch.. she wud send him presents and try in many ways to make it work. late last year she came crying some sad story about being taken advantage of by some man.. he ran to her rescue and one ting led to the next.

she's very wealthy and accomplished.. she had 2 kids in their twenties and she's been married 3 times.

now he's marrying her.. he said that there's no hope for him and that he knows she loves his deeply..

recently they went on a very expensive trip together which she paid for.

i told him that i dont fit into his life anymore and there's no point in trying to salvage a frienship. but we've tried clumsly to find a stable place for him and i but we somehow ended up having sex twice this year.

i don't know how to reason this through.. i am weak for him and it aches so much to see another woman living my dream...

can someone explain the not obvious to me?

[norajane]

Have you told him how you feel about him, and about wanting a future with him?

 

If so, then he's made his choice, and he's chosen her, for whatever reason. And you must walk away completely - that's the only way you'll move on and enable yourself to meet someone who can love you the way you love him.

 

But if you haven't told him, then speak now or forever hold your peace!

[SarahRose]

LOl you sound a bit bitter and jealous.

 

Do you really think just because you are 25 and she is 50 that somehow you are better than her?

[Brightmoon]

we've known each other for the past 4 years, he's 32 and i'm 25. wen we met he had jus broken up wit an older woman whom he was dating for 2 years (she's 18 years older than him and mite i add her daughter is my age).

we grew to be very close, having mutual friends and a quiet attraction to each other.. our weekend plans always tied in and i became his confident. we spend days and nights talking, playing, cooking and getting close. eventually one year into our friendship we gave into all the steamy temptations and explored sexually.. i lost my virginity to him the decmber of that year.

He spoke of his college gf as the woman he will always love, I knew this from the very beginning but I had hoped and felt like because of all the time we were spending together and the noticeable closeness he was healing and would one day realize what was clear to me - how well we fit. Through all of this the old bat always kept in touch.. she wud send him presents and try in many ways to make it work. late last year she came crying some sad story about being taken advantage of by some man.. he ran to her rescue and one ting led to the next.

she's very wealthy and accomplished.. she had 2 kids in their twenties and she's been married 3 times.

now he's marrying her.. he said that there's no hope for him and that he knows she loves his deeply..

recently they went on a very expensive trip together which she paid for.

i told him that i dont fit into his life anymore and there's no point in trying to salvage a frienship. but we've tried clumsly to find a stable place for him and i but we somehow ended up having sex twice this year.

i don't know how to reason this through.. i am weak for him and it aches so much to see another woman living my dream...

can someone explain the not obvious to me?

 

 

EA, The stuff in bold says you knew the score...he was clear about his strength of feeling for her. You took the risk of trying to change his mind knowing this and it did not work.

 

I am sorry you are hurting.

[Woman In Blue]

...through all of this the old bat always kept in touch..

LOL...bitter, much?

 

Sounds as though you're more of a sexual attraction to him while his heart belongs somewhere else.

[deux ex machina]

Seems to me that in addition to everything else, your ego got a smashing.

 

A harsh experience to go through.

 

This is a tough time for you, no doubt about it. Lots can learned, but it's important to take away the right lesson. And the right lesson isn't, "She an old bat that came crying with a sad story and he ran to her rescue." Or that you are anyone's 'bitch'. At least, I certainly hope not.

 

In your eyes, she could be completely wrong for him, and you so obviously right -- but it doesn't matter. This has nothing to do with your value, so comparisons are pointless. A person loves who they love. He's a man with a mind of his own, and is exactly where he wants to be.

 

You'll have to stay away from him. The good news is that if you go about this with the right attitude, you can come away with a better understanding of what love is all about, and won't fight the current in the future.

 

I hope you don't drag this out for one more day.

Edited July 5, 2010 by deux ex machina

[exotic_angel]

tanx for all the feedback.

i'm not bashing her because she is 50, but because she's done this 3 times and she's buying him wit her fancy tings and yes i am jealous that she has won his last name.

the woman i was referring to as the one he wil always love is not ms. 50 but his college gf who wants nothing to do wit him.

he's sort of captivatig in a badass kinda way.. having slept wit over 80 women..

he's shared his most vulnerable secrets and feelings wit me.. and i jus feel cheated.

he said he is wit her because he knows she loves him no matter wat and that he can still have all the freedom he needs.

he expects from me understadning and friendship but it jus aches so much.

i believe in all the good there is within him. i jus have to wonder if he'll ever realize that true love makes all tings bearable.

wen his parents met each other his father had already been married for 15 years with 2 kids.. it's been 35 years now that his mother is the other woman for his father and they see each other almost every day.. maybe in some twisted way this is his definition of love?

[tami-chan]

Ok, I'm confused. "Won his last name?" You mean they're married? He sounds like a real prince! I'd move on if I were you...unless you like drama.

 

LOL..funny!

 

OP, them older women know a trick or two to keep their men ! Seriously, chuck it off as a lost love...you are more emotionally vested on him than he is on you. Like many of the posters here, I vote: MOVE ON!

[threebyfate]

i tink u shud move on. he's a dawg and is playin' wit'cha.

[SarahRose]

i tink u shud move on. he's a dawg and is playin' wit'cha.

 

LMAO!

 

Maybe the older woman is a better speller?

[Jilly Bean]

It sounds like he's always been in love with her, frankly. I don't see that she's buying him, as you think, because you said yourself she had a bad scene with some other guy, and he immediately went to her side. Did she pay him to come? I doubt.

 

I know it's hard for you, because he was your first love, and you lost your virginity to him. Big bonding things for sure!

 

But, do understand this is because they had a long history, and love won out.

 

Wish him well, and move on.

[exotic_angel]

tanx for the humour guys.

they r getting married on nov 13th 2010 to be exact.

so wat do i do.. really.. wats the practical solution??

ignore his messgaes and calls.. have that talk about how painful and irrational this is again?/?

wat to do?

[imagine]

He certainly sounds like a dog.

 

Do you want to be his bitch?

[Reality Drip]

Let's be honest, the man is trying to get the best of all worlds.

 

The successful sugar mama that will pay for the things he needs and wants. She's established, loves him, there's emotional and financial stability there.

 

Then there's the need for a young vixen. Who wouldn't want both? You offer the youth, tight and smooth skin. Innate fertility. Taboo passion behind his lady's back.

 

He's keeping you around for the physical and I'm sure on some level he cares about your feelings. It's just a self-seeking world and you have to come to terms with that fact.

[threebyfate]

i don't tink he luvs 'nyone but hisself. NC shud do da trick.

[Brightmoon]

tanx for the humour guys.

they r getting married on nov 13th 2010 to be exact.

so wat do i do.. really.. wats the practical solution??

ignore his messgaes and calls.. have that talk about how painful and irrational this is again?/?

wat to do?

 

Exotic, there is no SOLUTION as such. Like many posters have said, you have little choice other than to chalk this down as an experience and heart-break.

 

On a practical note, yes, I think you should cut off all communication with him. Perhaps before you do that you may want to tell him that you are not going to hang around on the sidelines for him. But after that you have to walk away for good. No communication. Walk away from the situation as far away and as fast as you can. The guy is using you.

[Diezel]

Old Bat: 1

Bitter Angel: 0

[Mimolicious]

we've known each other for the past 4 years, he's 32 and i'm 25. wen we met he had jus broken up wit an older woman whom he was dating for 2 years (she's 18 years older than him and mite i add her daughter is my age).

we grew to be very close, having mutual friends and a quiet attraction to each other.. our weekend plans always tied in and i became his confident. we spend days and nights talking, playing, cooking and getting close. eventually one year into our friendship we gave into all the steamy temptations and explored sexually.. i lost my virginity to him the decmber of that year.

he spoke of his college gf as the woman he wil always love, i knew this from the very begining but i had hoped and felt like because of all the time we were spending together and the noticeable closeness he was healing and wud one day realize wat was clear to me - how well we fit.

through all of this the old bat always kept in touch.. she wud send him presents and try in many ways to make it work. late last year she came crying some sad story about being taken advantage of by some man.. he ran to her rescue and one ting led to the next.

she's very wealthy and accomplished.. she had 2 kids in their twenties and she's been married 3 times.

now he's marrying her.. he said that there's no hope for him and that he knows she loves his deeply..

recently they went on a very expensive trip together which she paid for.

i told him that i dont fit into his life anymore and there's no point in trying to salvage a frienship. but we've tried clumsly to find a stable place for him and i but we somehow ended up having sex twice this year.

i don't know how to reason this through.. i am weak for him and it aches so much to see another woman living my dream...

can someone explain the not obvious to me?

 

Honey, it sounds like you were his rebound entertainment and you took it too serious. There is no indication that you were in a serious exclusive relationship with this Prince Charming.

 

Why are you so involved and concerned about what she pays for and does? This will make you sound like a 'hater'.

 

The obvious is that this guy will be in a relationship with his sugar momma and will keep you on the side to be his "confident" (if that is what you want to call it) but only if YOU allow him. Find yourself a single guy and keep it moving or else you will live your life surrounded by heartbreak, lies, cheating, drama, part-time alternate attention. Practical solution: Move on.

[Mimolicious]

he's sort of captivatig in a badass kinda way.. having slept wit over 80 women..

 

WHAO! Sounds like a guy to bring home to your Moms. NICE! Seriously, this guy sounds like a straight up gigolo. He doesn't love the 50y/o, you or anyone else that may come after. He probably got hurt by his college love and now could care less because he can't be with the person that he really loves.

[exotic_angel]

i am so concerned and affected by him because of how close we were.. my family grew to know him well.. he wud refer to my mother as mom and everything between us felt natural.

but i get it.

it was my misinterreptation, my false hope or something like that.

i guess i jus want to not feel this way.

to be at some stable place wit him, but he won't allow a normal friendship and that's hard for me to accept.

i wish i knew the reason y it didn't work out.. y after everyting i wasn't enough.

i know to anyone who has been strong enough climb past a heartbreak or who has never been through one, this/i may seem trivial, weak and immature.. but i'm not quite there yet.

[exotic_angel]

He's keeping you around for the physical and I'm sure on some level he cares about your feelings. It's just a self-seeking world and you have to come to terms with that fact.

 

tank u for some reason.

[Mimolicious]

The reason why it didn't work out? Probably because this guy NEVER intended to really have a R with you.

 

You created your own fantasy and didn't see things in a mature way and for what they were. Next time make sure to invest yourself into a man that is actually your BF and not your "friend with benefits"- those don't amount to anything.

[JessicaB]

wen his parents met each other his father had already been married for 15 years with 2 kids.. it's been 35 years now that his mother is the other woman for his father and they see each other almost every day.. maybe in some twisted way this is his definition of love?

 

Parents are a good place to start when you are trying to understand someone else's bizarre choices. If it was normal for his mom to be the other woman for 35 years, what did this teach him when he was a boy and growing up? Having more than one woman is okay, its what my parents do. Hence, confiding in you and sleeping with you while committed to someone else. And the "accidentally" sleeping with you twice after getting engaged, not an accident. His dad taught him this is okay, he is acting like his dad.

 

Honestly if you are THAT passionate about him, given his family history, he would probably keep seeing you and sleeping with you again after the marriage honeymoon dies off. You could get pregnant and have a baby, and for the next 35 years he will come and see you almost every day. You will take the role of his mom and the cycle continues. It's a question of what you really want.

 

However when you refer to yourself as "bitch" you automatically in my mind are accepting and even wanting the number 2 spot. The lady with the ring on her finger is not the bitch in the relationship. When you can really say no to him, not accidentally give in and have sex and make him respect you, then you could be the one he marries. BUT, don't forget his parents, even if you were his wife, chances are very very high he will soon find another girl to be the new "bitch", filling in his mom's role as the other woman throughout your relationship.

[exotic_angel]

UPDATE;

somehow.. after everything and all your comments and advice i am increasingly able to detach myself from him.

i guess on some level i wrote this post, hoping to find some sort of reasons to believe that he wud magically realize that i'm the one worth being wit and even though he already made a committment to marry her his feelings for me wud reveal itself to be far greater than anything else that any other woman cud offer and he'd come back.

but this has been a harsh but potent lesson for me and even though we still speak sometimes.. i feel so detached.. so unaffected.. i'm finally accpeting that it's over and my life willl go on without him.

thank u everyone.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your 25 years old. Enjoy your youth. Why are you pining away at some guy who wants to marry some other chick. Apparently he made his choice. Accept it. It's time to let go and move on.