lkjh Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 She didn't have 3 text relationships people. Please read the posts. How long have you two known each other anyway? People keep jumping to conclusions about how long you know each other and when you're getting married. I saw no info on that. And to answer your question, MB I don't know how long he held on to all of that. It was about 5 years ago and I don't remember now. But I can tell you he held on to it wayyyy longer than one lousy week and went even longer checking on me. I figured I had to take it as it was well-deserved. I don't know what i was thinking! I've never even been unhappy in my marriage. It was just a stupid ego boost thing. I swear I think we women in our 40's have mid-life crisis too! And for me, that's how it manifested itself. Not good. Anyway, she needs to give you WAY more time. I know how it feels from her end but I also understand how it must feel on your end and how my H felt. Since we're the ones in the wrong we have to suck it up (within reason) and take our licks. But yeah, you can go too far with punishing her and bringing it up. But one week is nothing. She sure left out a lot of stuff if what you're saying is true. But I'm not surprised. I told her right out that i wasn't really buying the fact that she wasn't emotionally involved in some way. Just her reaction (now) with calling this doctor names, etc. tells me that right off the bat. You don't have such a strong reaction to someone you didn't really care about. No way. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Her apology and remorse has to be genuine and without "buts." And she has to take her lumps and make sure you know that she understands. It's not enough for her to just say "I'm sorry." She has to build back the trust now. I know she'd like it if you just dropped it completely and trusted this second. (Been there myself) But I also know that you can't do that. My H couldn't either. Doesn't make you a jerk, just makes you human. But if she's bitching about it after only one week, she's out of line. I didn't take note of the dates on the exchanges otherwise I would have mentioned that to her. Anyway, I have to say I agree with the others about not getting married..not sure you can't work this out but you two are far from ready to get married. I mean individually you might be but not you two as a couple. I said it before and I'll say it again, it wouldn't last 5 years if that. Your communication has broken down. Oh and I didn't buy than nonsense about that you had it all resolved and were just taking a poll of sorts on here. No way. She was in denial with that one or else your communication is so bad between you that she's oblivious as to how much this bothered you. Because if it were, as she says, just a simple little poll type thread for curiosity's sake, then you wouldn't have entitled it "should I be concerned." I get that. I'm sorry Rightly but you got to suck this up until MB can trust you again. And stop making excuses, justifications and bringing up what HE did to you. That's not the issue at hand and you didn't have an issue with his behavior so I never thought it was right for you to bring it up. You say he's your best friend. Wouldn't you do anything for your best friend? Prove it. Suck it up until he can trust you again. If you don't then be prepared to lose him. I dont feel like re-reading all the post but didn't he say there has been 3 occasions were her relationship with OM have inappropriate?
Author MB2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 (edited) no, she didnt have three other relationships with other men. it was just the 3 day sexting thing, then 4 days after that there were 3 different guys from her recent past texting and calling . they didnt know about me and i guess they were just being kept on the hook for someone to fall back on for her. then there was the thing when she asked if it would be ok if she brought her x husband with her when she moved up here and hired him to work with her and travel to seminars with. just that. actually there is more but its not worth going into detail about, but basically in the last 8 weeks there have been 7 different men from her past calling and texting wanting to go out, adn wanting to know how she is. some she told about me some she didnt. she needs the attention from these men, she told me thats her "safety net". i dont think she would cheat on me with them but on the other hand im not good with the whole "safety net" thing. from what i can see it woul dtake some major changing for her to be what i need and i really dont think its fair to ask anyone to make major changes just so their significant other can be happy. i guess we are just different. my security comes from the one i love being there for me when i need her. it coem from knowing that we share something special between only the two of us, and her security comes from the attention of various men in her past and present. so, like i said warlier i guess its just time to move on. time to walkaway and start all over. hopefully we will both find what we need in someone else. Edited July 8, 2010 by MB2010
jane-mary Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Oww, this is sad. Don't make rush decisions to break up especially if you can work things out. Why don't you just delay having the wedding and work on your issues. MB, why are you so quick to throw away an engagement? I feel like maybe you were having your doubts already. Take what you get from these forums with a grain of salt, some people just like to instigate trouble and only two people really know what's going on in a relationship. Relationships take work.
Minnie09 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 (edited) May I ask you, MB, why you felt entitled to string her along in the beginning of your R, when you were unwilling/unable to make a decision? On top of that, you weren't even honest about it. Your fiancée said that she found out through third parties that you had played her, while contemplating whether or not to leave your ex. Maybe your fiancée doesn't trust you as a consequence of that. And, for this reason, she is unwilling to give up her safety net, as she puts it. At least she's upfront with you. You were not, and she probably holds that against you (subconsciously or not). Do you think you could work out these trust issues? Because, IMHO, her trust issues are as legitimate as yours. Don't you think? Edited July 8, 2010 by Minnie09
mem11363 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 MB, You are right about this. She has no intention of changing and no idea what boundaries a fiancee/wife set. She has a tremendous need for male sexual attention. Anybody who implies they "need" to flirt to succeed at their job likes to flirt and loves the attention. I have been in sales a long time and there is no question that being hot helps. But being hot and highly skilled is a killer combo. There is no need to actually flirt to close business. And frankly if HER particular product line DOES require that, she would change jobs if she didn't want to do it. But the scariest thing is the subtle message distortion, clever spin and the constantly evolving assignment of some of the blame to others. This is how she operates in "life". Both work and non-work. Attractive women get hit on a lot even without flirting. But her behavior is going to attract a constant and ever changing cast of "wannabe" lovers/husbands. This is a very real type of addiction and it is almost impossible to cure even if she WANTS to be cured (she doesn't). no, she didnt have three other relationships with other men. it was just the 3 day sexting thing, then 4 days after that there were 3 different guys from her recent past texting and calling . they didnt know about me and i guess they were just being kept on the hook for someone to fall back on for her. then there was the thing when she asked if it would be ok if she brought her x husband with her when she moved up here and hired him to work with her and travel to seminars with. just that. actually there is more but its not worth going into detail about, but basically in the last 8 weeks there have been 7 different men from her past calling and texting wanting to go out, adn wanting to know how she is. some she told about me some she didnt. she needs the attention from these men, she told me thats her "safety net". i dont think she would cheat on me with them but on the other hand im not good with the whole "safety net" thing. from what i can see it woul dtake some major changing for her to be what i need and i really dont think its fair to ask anyone to make major changes just so their significant other can be happy. i guess we are just different. my security comes from the one i love being there for me when i need her. it coem from knowing that we share something special between only the two of us, and her security comes from the attention of various men in her past and present. so, like i said warlier i guess its just time to move on. time to walkaway and start all over. hopefully we will both find what we need in someone else.
Iconoclast Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 from what i can see it woul dtake some major changing for her to be what i need and i really dont think its fair to ask anyone to make major changes just so their significant other can be happy. WRONG! That is how a relationship operates. Comes down to this. Do you love her and want this to work? Does she love you and want this to work? There's no magic fairy princess out there that won't require compromise to have a relationship with. It's all about boundaries, expectations and consequences. You've both aired your dirty laundry, and objectively, it's all pretty simple to clean up. She needs to stop using sexual power in her line of work. You both need to come to resolution of the texting. You both need to come to resolution about the ex and the children. She needs to tell men when they call, up front, that she is engaged and can no longer have anything but a business relationship. You both need to agree to listen to each others grievances when they happen. You need to agree that after resolution on a matter, that you will forgive and move on. Make your own list, each of you, and talk about it. Loving each other is a choice and requires work.
Author MB2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 May I ask you, MB, why you felt entitled to string her along in the beginning of your R, when you were unwilling/unable to make a decision? On top of that, you weren't even honest about it. Your fiancée said that she found out through third parties that you had played her, while contemplating whether or not to leave your ex. Maybe your fiancée doesn't trust you as a consequence of that. And, for this reason, she is unwilling to give up her safety net, as she puts it. At least she's upfront with you. You were not, and she probably holds that against you (subconsciously or not). Do you think you could work out these trust issues? Because, IMHO, her trust issues are as legitimate as yours. Don't you think? im not sure where you get that i felt "entitled" to string her along. sfter we dated for about a month she told me she was a Jehovias Witness, that scared the hell out of me and i broke it off. we were apart for a month or so with zero contact and in that time i did some reading and talking to other people and decided that i could live with. so i contacted her, we talked and we picked up where we left off. is this the "entitlement to string her along" that you think of??
Author MB2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 WRONG! That is how a relationship operates. Comes down to this. Do you love her and want this to work? Does she love you and want this to work? There's no magic fairy princess out there that won't require compromise to have a relationship with. It's all about boundaries, expectations and consequences. You've both aired your dirty laundry, and objectively, it's all pretty simple to clean up. She needs to stop using sexual power in her line of work. You both need to come to resolution of the texting. You both need to come to resolution about the ex and the children. She needs to tell men when they call, up front, that she is engaged and can no longer have anything but a business relationship. You both need to agree to listen to each others grievances when they happen. You need to agree that after resolution on a matter, that you will forgive and move on. Make your own list, each of you, and talk about it. Loving each other is a choice and requires work. your list sounds pretty good to me!!
lkjh Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 7 men sounds like she is either really social or a tease or worse. Either way tread with caution
2sunny Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I know many salesmen/woman (including myself) that do not use flirtation in their job. Let's focus on some other stuff here........ I want to point out some VERY scary things Dr. Strangelove said in her first post. I can see that there is still a lot of anger and resentment in his statements... This tells you that she does NOT feel that terrible for what she did. She wants complete recovery in a week. This would indicate that she feels her behavior was not terribly inappropriate. I agreed to allow him to post this with an understanding that he tells the whole truth... Who the hell does she think she is.? You came here for support. She HAS to put her signature on it......like a prescription. Grow some balls and tell her that you don't need her to agree to anything. First off... I am a doctor... and would like to consider myself not totally incompetent when it comes to reading people and men... Irrelevant. I know MANY doctors that SUCK at reading people. I never said I did not know what was going on... or denied that the whole situation got out of hand. What I have been trying to explain to him.. is that the text log was not as it looked to be... Bull****. She may think she is a good salesperson, but she is not. She has not sold me on this. This was QUITE obvious. She was looking to lead this man on. This is how affairs start. In fact....MOST AFFAIRS BEGIN MORE SUBTLE. Most good sales people DON'T use sex and flirtation to sell. Although I might not have handled the situation in the best manner... I did not do it out of any disrespect for him. She completely disrespected you...without question. If asked... I am sure my fiance will have to be the first one to admit that have many respectable suiters to stroke my ego... enough so that I do not need this snot nose kid of a doctor talking disrespectfully to me in order for me to get kicks... A snot nosed kid? C'mon, he is a grown man, with a grown man's penis and a degree. He is NOT a kid. Furthermore, why is she insulting him....she led him on! I looked at him more like a collegue than a client... so when he was being overly friendly... I really did not think much of it... not because I was stupid... but because I just did not think it was that big of a deal.... not sure if this matters... but I live in Texas... where men call women sweetheart on a daily basis... and are overly friendly and flirtacious... I thought she viewed him as a snot nosed kid.....in this statement she views him as a colleague (dr spelled colleague wrong). When he first told me about going to the gym... I was just curious if we went to the same gym because we lived in the same area... when he asked me to go... I declined... my fiance busted me on saying that I would take a raincheck... Gym talk is a Euphemism for sex...everyone knows that. This is simply a lie.....'I was just curious'. Why the **** would she be curious of a client work out habits? The next day... he text me in the morning... I tried to keep it to business... No she didn't......It's QUITE simple to do that. You just say it! She continued to lead him on. he took it to the next level... I think there were several places where I tried to let him know that I was not interested in anything but a working relationship. I said some things to smooth over the fact that yes you were inappropriate but it's cool... we are cool... let's try to stay focused on work... HUH...is she ****ing crazy? Let's try to stay focused on work? Did they need a bucket of water thrown on them? 'We are cool?'......THERE IS NO 'WE'. By the middle of the second day when things got really out of hand... at some point I realized that there was no saving the professional relationship with this guy... I just thought to myself... eff it... this kid wants to play... okay lets play.... Oh....just stop. I thought she was in control.....manipulating him for a sale? This kid has a MAN's penis. Probably not the best decision on my part... but never did I have the intentions of flirting with this douche bag or was I enjoying it like it was turning me on and I was flattered by him talking to me in a demeaning manner... Why was he a douchebag? In reading the texts, he seems like he was flirting with an available woman. She is the douchebag. I knew exactly what I was doing... I was leading the guy on without ever directly answering any of his questions... and then I was going to nail the sale without ever sleeping with him That's what ALL cheaters say after they get caught. They say 'I never wanted anything to happen. Nail the sale?????? Is she joking? What kind of sales is this that you have to act like a whore to get a sale. Isn't her integrity more important? I don't feel that I am guilty for saying anything inappropriate HUH....WHAT! On what planet!!! Look at your texts Dr. .... I never said that I was going to come to his office without my underwear... I never said that I was was going to sleep with him... I never said that I was going to send him a naked picture of myself... The only thing that I am guilty for is... not ending it sooner... This is a REALLY poor example of bush league sales. She should be discussing what she did do, not didn't do. Ethical... probably not... and that is not how I usually handle my business... but in his case... well deserved! Well deserved???? What? This is a simple sale....it's not a big ****ing deal. How many blowjobs will she give for a REALLY big sale. I have taken every step to make things right for him... No, she wants you to be over it pronto. I even let him post this blog up... Tell this egotistical bitch that she doesn't LET you do anything. You do it because you want to. She does NOT sanction your decisions. After reading his replies to your responses... I can't help but feel he is trying to throw me under the bus to make himself feel better... Am I crazy? my views exactly. she had an agenda to work this man and manipulate him for what she wanted. who knows where's she's willing to draw her line. she justified her bad behavior at every turn... then she tried to make it all about you and you being unreasonable. that is not a gal that's sorry - that is a gal that's only sad she got caught. this is her method of operating in life - she fully admitted that... she would always make you wonder if she's faithful and working other men over. she never owned her behavior - she never felt badly, she wanted you to overlook it and close your eyes - just move one. that's not good enough. i'm really glad the OP decided not to extend their time together. to date a gal like this - much less marry one - makes for a very LONG and MISERABLE life. you are giving yourself the opportunity to have a happy life by getting out of this as soon as possible.
Author MB2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 update..... well, we actually decided to try some relationship counseling to see if we could repair tha damages that have been done but before we could get an appointment guy #8 pops up. of course she says that this is a guy that she would never date casue she isnt interested in him. according to her he had asked her out in the past and she didnt accept the offer and they had never gone out. but yet this guys still texts her in the evening supposedly to ask some nutritional questions. she actually told him the time before last that she couldnt talk but she didnt tell him why, he has no idea about me. and then he contacts her again today and she replied " i cant talk, i screwed some things up and i cant talk right now". and she actually thought she did a pretty good job of getting rid of him!!! all she did was left the door open for future contact with " i cant talk right now". after we argued about it and i told her that she has left the door open again she sent him a text saying that she was planning on getting married and had done something to break the trust of her fiancee and that she is trying to win his trust back and for him to please not contact her again. what i dont get is what is wrong with her? why cant she cut it off with these guys? is there something about her that needs the attention or the security of these other men waiting in the background. i have tried to explain to her that regardless of what her intentions are if she continously leaves the door open for opportunities that it will just be a matter of time before it goes to far again. she just doesnt get it.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 what i dont get is what is wrong with her? why cant she cut it off with these guys? is there something about her that needs the attention or the security of these other men waiting in the background. The irony of it all is that, from her point of view, what has transpired in the last several days could easily be justification for needing to have other men waiting in the background... Basically MB was at the end of his rope, and most men in his shoes would be. But wronglyaccused(WA) feels that MB is not 100% committed to her and would end the engagement. In most posters opinions here, MB is justified and correct. In my experience women want to feel as if their man would do anything, put up with anything, deal with any possible situation, need, want or desire that she has... Which, when the foundation is truly strong, stable and confident, most men are willing to go to the end of the world for the woman that they chose to be their life mate. And that is essentially where the issue(s) in this particular thread come in, that WA has allowed the foundation to crumble and trust to erode. Needing to feel attractive and desirable by members of the opposite sex is a natural human instinct. It's what one chooses to do with that need that can make or break their worthiness as a life partner... I mean, IMHO, who wants to be with someone who is constantly seeking flirtatous contact with members of the opposite sex to feel good about themselves? So, WA must ask herself if she can truly leave the 'no limits freewheeling man-attention loving' attitude behind and focus on otherways to keep her self esteem high. Of course she can choose not to share MB's perspective. But then MB is to make a decision he can deal with it or not. I would be willing to bet if WA really looked deep inside she must admit that she needs some level of that, it's just a matter of setting boundaries that are agreeable to MB (if they are going to try and make a go of it), and truly sticking by them... TRULY STICKING TO THEM!
Author MB2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 I honestly don't think she has slept with Any of these men. In each case she has come to me and told me everything. But she does have a need for these mens attention for some reason or another. I don't know maybe stupid for trusting her, I never believed she would have a three day sexting fling with someone she just met that day either. Maybe it's all been a lie, I Dont know.
2sunny Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 had done something to break the trust of her fiancee and that she is trying to win his trust back and for him to please not contact her again. trust isn't something you win. trust is earned. she hasn't earned it - that's why it feels icky. she doesn't get the concept of trust at all. she does get the concept of deceit and manipulation. it's her MO. it will take her YEARS and years of consistent contrary action for her to understand that men aren't on this earth for her person gain and reward system for her ego strokes. healthy men don't participate in this sort of unhealthy exchange. i'm wondering why it's in your best interest to continue with such an unhealthy woman that intends to use men for her benefit in the moment without consideration for there best interest and her personal gain? when she is being TOTALLY misleading to THEM - she is also being extremely disrespectful and disregarding of YOU... and she doesn't even intend to recognize the way she participates until YOU point it out to her. for her to UNLEARN this behavior she needs to completely change the woman she has learned to be - and become a woman that is completely opposite of what she has ever known. are you willing to wait THAT long?
Author MB2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 the final chapter....... well first things first.... i know!! i was warned!! lol in three weeks she had 5 different guys contacting her that wanted to go out and that isnt counting the guy she had a 3 day fling sexting fling with. we live about three hours apart and i told her that i wasnt going to see her this weekend becasue there was still to much hurt and anger and all we would do is argue. she had already told me that she was tired of arguing and basically said that if i couldnt get past this that she was going to reconsider our relationship. so she tried to make the three hour trip to see me this weekend and i told her no that i needed some time to get past this. i told her we would go to counseling or whatever it took but somehow we would get past it. she didnt really like that idea so she stopped answering my calls and texts and today she told me that if i want it to work that i need to drive down there and let her fix everyting or it was over. so there was 5 guys calling and texting everythime we were together and one guy that she basically had a 3 day sexting fling with and i get a little over 2 weeks to get over all of it??? like i said...... i know i was warned!!!
2sunny Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 the final chapter....... well first things first.... i know!! i was warned!! lol in three weeks she had 5 different guys contacting her that wanted to go out and that isnt counting the guy she had a 3 day fling sexting fling with. we live about three hours apart and i told her that i wasnt going to see her this weekend becasue there was still to much hurt and anger and all we would do is argue. she had already told me that she was tired of arguing and basically said that if i couldnt get past this that she was going to reconsider our relationship. so she tried to make the three hour trip to see me this weekend and i told her no that i needed some time to get past this. i told her we would go to counseling or whatever it took but somehow we would get past it. she didnt really like that idea so she stopped answering my calls and texts and today she told me that if i want it to work that i need to drive down there and let her fix everyting or it was over. so there was 5 guys calling and texting everythime we were together and one guy that she basically had a 3 day sexting fling with and i get a little over 2 weeks to get over all of it??? like i said...... i know i was warned!!! sounds like a gal with a huge ego! i guess she thinks she it is such a privilege to be around her that every man should be begging for her presence. she should get over herself - no woman is so great that you need to overlook such bad behavior in order to be with her. and FIX things? it will take SO MUCH time and energy for her to fix things! do you really intend to wait 5-10-15 years for her to become and prove to you the decent woman she is to become? fix things? is she delusional? you need hard proof that she isn't the same gal that's been doing all the crappy things she's been doing. that takes time and a TON of evidence to prove that she's no longer THAT old gal. she is very controlling. her way or the highway. even at your expense? i hope not, for your sake. i can't imagine a life with a gal with a huge ego and control issues is a pleasure to be around. i don't see her here anymore... is she reading? i hope she is.
Author MB2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 no, i really doubt that she reads this anymore. the reason that we posted this to begin with is becasue she didnt really think that it was that big of a deal for her to do the things she had doen with the sexting and all the guys in the sting waiting and i wanted to show here that the general public woul dhave a problem with it. and as you can imagine she stopped thinking it was a good idea pretty quick into the replys.
LuckyLady13 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 MB, I'm so sorry that you ended up in a situation like this. Live and learn though, right? The first BIG RED FLAG to me was her saying "I agreed to allow him to post this". Allow??? I don't wonder why her and her husband are separated. She obviously has serious control issues and thought she found another sucker (you) until she found out you were willing to try to get an objective opinion from other people and have your own mind. Threatening that it's over if you don't let her fix it right away? Wow, even until the end she was trying to control you. I agree with a lot of what BlindSided said and he speaks from experience. She would give you future pain that makes this incident look like Disneyland. When I was bartending, there was a certain level of...being very friendly with guys and keeping them coming in to make the place money. They knew I had a fiance but they would ask week after week if we were having problems in our relationship and I'd always say no and smile. They would flirt with me and say they're better than my fiance or whatever and I'd brush off a lot of things. However! Not once EVER would I have been text messaging with one of them for three days! NEVER. I brought a lot of new business into that bar and was friendly but never crossed lines like that. No text messaging, NEVER telling any of them they can find nude pictures of me if they look on the internet... There are much better fish in the sea, MB. Please have some respect for yourself and throw this one back.
lkjh Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 You are better off without her Stay away from woman that are "flirts" and keep men around
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