How come girls just won't say, sorry I'm not interested?

[Odyssey]

Hey OP, i've only got one piece of advice for you... when a opportunity pops up - f*cking take it! After reading your many posts, i think you've missed plenty. If you want to go out with someone...just ask 'em out. If you want to kiss instead of hug, go for the kiss!

[Bogo123]

The most annoying aspect of all this is the fact that she continues to string you along, pretending to be interested, and then doing a complete 180. Why continue to carry on conversation? Why say you want to hang out on a certain day when you know you're not going to follow through? Its those things that really bug me.

[tami-chan]

Some do not bother saying it outright at times because when they do...there is always that question "WHY NOT?", "why are you not interested in me?". Zengirl is right. Who really wants to go into details about that? It is excruciating. Besides, if she was not interested, what makes the guy think she had thought it out deeply why she is not interested? There is no answer to the "why not" sometimes. It just is.

 

So sometimes, a girl just hopes that the guy would catch the drift and move on or disappear....

[zengirl]

Whatever happened to treating everyone as an individual. Yes there will be men who will get upset, ask questions and get abusive, but then there will be men who respect a person's decision, won't get upset and won't abuse or ask awkward questions.

 

If a girl is not interested in me all she has to say is "I'm not interested", she doesn't have to worry about my reaction because she won't get one. I won't be abusive because that's not in my nature and I won't ask questions because I don't want to find out the answers. There are many more men like me, but even then a lot of women do not have the guts and the spine to even be honest. They'd rather disappear, leaving you wondering what took place. Then women wonder why they're treated badly by so called nice men.

The problem is I can't know the difference by looking at you, and sometimes I honestly don't have it in me to take the chance. I'm sorry. I know that's not the nicest thing in the world, and I really do try to be kind. If I can tell a man will take it well or think he will, I will just say, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested," but I've had too many instances where I wish I would've just avoided the guy in the first place. Part of it is a vibe thing, but I'm sure I don't always read vibes perfectly.

 

It'd be nice to treat everyone as an individual, but these are people I don't know and thus I don't know them as an individual. (That said, I don't go giving out my phone number to these guys and letting them call me, thinking they have a chance. I think that is rather unkind.)

[that girl]

If a girl is not interested in me all she has to say is "I'm not interested", she doesn't have to worry about my reaction because she won't get one.

As zengirl said, no woman can tell that by looking at you.

 

Then women wonder why they're treated badly by so called nice men.

 

The conversation seems to have moved from girls who make up excuses to avoid going on a date to disappearing after a few dates. Ignoring phone calls isn't a nice thing to do, but it is hardly woman specific. Lots of guys say they will call and don't.

 

Furthermore, I am so tired of reading how mean women make nice men mean. No they don't. How people act is there choice and while serious trauma like being cheated on can effect behavior, how you act is you choice.

 

A guy who acts like a jerk because he's had some unreturned phone calls wasn't a very nice guy to begin with.

[zengirl]

Furthermore, I am so tired of reading how mean women make nice men mean. No they don't. How people act is there choice and while serious trauma like being cheated on can effect behavior, how you act is you choice.

 

I just want to second this totally true statement.

 

Nobody makes you a jerk but you. The good news is anybody can decide to stop being a jerk anytime they like.

[You'reasian]

The worst is when they lead you on for a long time, knowing full well you are interested in them romantically, then pull out the "I want to be friends" BS

 

Say what you want , but guys don't do that.

 

Women are allowed to flake if they chose. Same with us guys. There's no such thing as accountability in dating. Its like trying to hold oil in your hands...sound familiar?

 

Dating is about the right here, right nows.

 

If she flaked out on a date, she either had something more important to do or you just didn't have enough attraction to spark her interest.

 

Shrug it off, move on.

[lso802]

Seriously, you shouldn't let what people do or say to you get to you. Just move on.

 

Next thing you'll be complaining about is a girl who says you're too whiny for her, and why she just didn't simply say, "Sorry. I'm not interested." Now the former would have been the truth and upfront. She would be pinpointing exactly what she doesn't like about you and what to improve on. The latter would be her trying not to hurt your feelings. When girls don't return your calls or just ignores you, for some girls, it's a way of not hurting your feelings as well.

 

Sure. Some girls just string you along just for the heck of it. But for some, they don't do it because they don't have a spine. They actually care about you as a human being with feelings.

[alphamale]

I hate having to play this game if she interested or not. It's much harder on me to think I have a chance and being let down than if the girl just said sorry when I asked her out.

thats just the way it is, accept it

[LoveBites]

I had a similiar situation except I know for a fact she was interested. After 3 weeks into the spark, I noticed she wasnt initiating any texts but would respond immediately with a lot of " :)" and "!!" in her texts.

 

I was kinda tired of initiating convos so I just stopped. 2 weeks went by before she sent me a message. We talked for a few weeks and I asked her for 3 straight weeks if she wanted to hang out. Each time she told me she was really busy with work but would try to find time. She never "found time". I stopped texting her and found out recently she is now dating her ex that she always talked bad about.

 

She led me on for those 3 straight weeks I asked her to hang out. I wish she said something to the effect of "I really dont want to date anyone right now" or "We should just be friends" or something besides "Yeah I want to hang out!! I just cant this week because I am busy : ( Ill try to find time though!!"

 

[Gattica]

Women are allowed to flake if they chose. Same with us guys. There's no such thing as accountability in dating. Its like trying to hold oil in your hands...sound familiar?

 

Dating is about the right here, right nows.

 

Why is there no accountability for ones actions while dating? I don't get that mindset at all.

 

People need to be more mature and get backbones. If you aren't interested in someone, just tell them.

[fishtaco]

Why is there no accountability for ones actions while dating? I don't get that mindset at all.

 

People need to be more mature and get backbones. If you aren't interested in someone, just tell them.

 

Because that's just the way it is. There is no dating police to throw people in jail for behaving badly. Unless they behave extremely badly, and gets a bad reputation, then MAYBE there would be some repercussion. But flaking is hardly that. It's painfully common. Oh gee, a flaky girl, like I've never run into one of those before. Even with a bad rep, in a big city, you're pretty much drowned out because there are so many people around.

 

So You'reasian is correct. There IS NO accountability in dating. The only thing you have to answer to is your own conscience. And some people have more of it, and some people less of it.

 

Haven't you heard the term "all is fair in love and war"?

 

If you don't want to be on the bandwagon, at least learn to protect yourself against it. If you don't, it's your own neck you're sticking out there.

[zengirl]

I'm tired of women and their BS, you sit here and spin lies to me and expect me to believe them. You like so many women are attractive and yet spineless.

 

Well, I don't know how you can tell I'm attractive over the internet. But anyway, I don't see it as spinelessness----I'm strong enough to be okay with avoiding someone. It might not be the kindest thing in the world, but it's not like I'm kicking puppies. If you don't care about the reasons for things, or understanding any other points of view, well, then. . . okay. You don't have to understand a reason why girls might avoid answering a direct question or saying they're just not interested. You certainly don't have to like it. But that's not going to help you much in dealing with people in the world.

[somedude81]

I'm strong enough to be okay with avoiding someone.

Huh? Strong enough to avoid somebody? Since when is not dealing with an issue a sign of strength?

 

There are many many better ways to let a guy know you are not interested than to ignore him.

 

A simple, "please stop texting me," would work, defriending somebody on Facebook would be a strong hint.

 

Hoping the guy will just go away is nothing more than a weak/lazy way to handle him.

 

Since I rarely understand a woman's hints, I try to get an actual reaction from them. In other words I go to a rejection. At least that way I'll be certain that I never had a chance.

[zengirl]

Huh? Strong enough to avoid somebody? Since when is not dealing with an issue a sign of strength?

 

I think you and I are talking about two different things. I deal with the issue by avoiding these men initially. At that point, I don't know the guy or owe him an "I'm not interested" and certainly not a big explanation WHY. The idea that I owe him something --- anything at all --- is something some folks might want to ingrain on me, but I'm strong enough to know I really don't. I try to give people as much compassion and respect as I can, but with male strangers/new men in certain situations (when I get the vibe they're going to ask me out and I'd really rather they wouldn't), I have realized where I personally draw the line.

 

There are many many better ways to let a guy know you are not interested than to ignore him.

 

A simple, "please stop texting me," would work, defriending somebody on Facebook would be a strong hint.

 

Hoping the guy will just go away is nothing more than a weak/lazy way to handle him.

 

Well, that I agree with. From the original post, that isn't where my points originated from; I said initially that I wouldn't do what that girl did. I was just trying to illustrate one reason women do this.

 

The guy would never have my number or be on my Facebook in the first place! I'd avoid his attempts to get those things, but I might not flat-out say "I'm not interested," and certainly don't want to deal with WHY-land.

[stace79]

First of all, the girl who said this weekend wasn't good but suggested Wednesday doesn't owe you an explanation of what she is doing all weekend. She could have family in town visiting. She could have to work. She could have made plans with her friends. She could have other dates. Maybe she just wants to sit at home on her butt and relax all weekend. If I were her, and knew about this post, I would think "Man, this guy is way too controlling, nosy and demanding. Let me cancel this Wednesday date."

 

Second, you should stop obsessing over every other girl and worry about yourself and your own life. Start making plans of your own that don't involve girls. Then YOU can say, "Oh Wednesday I already made plans, how about Friday?"

 

If you have not even gone on one date with someone and you are already being this obsessive, that is not a good sign.

[Curt]

Why is there no accountability for ones actions while dating? I don't get that mindset at all.

 

People need to be more mature and get backbones. If you aren't interested in someone, just tell them.

 

In a perfect world, Gattica, that would be true. But, let's face it, it isn't a perfect world. A fairly large percentage of women will avoid and flake even when they've set dates with guys they know well. They do it and we know it, but expect no further discussion of why. If you ask why (which you shouldn't), don't necessarily expect a forthright response. Many (if not most) expect you to accept it as being acceptable to not have to go into that level of detail with you.

 

If you don't show up for a date, don't expect she will just "accept" or understand. No, it's not fair, but it just is. Numerous other instances exist. Know that, often, no matter how appropriately you say or do things, they will undoubtedly interpret things in whatever way they would like to interpret them. Expect no different.

 

Any good news here? A RESOUNDING YES! The only thing for a man to do is to do as HE sees fit, as an interesting guy with his own life to lead. Don't worry about needing to explain yourself. When it comes to dating, just have fun. Don't agonize. Don't worry. Just go out and do whatever feels good. This obviously doesn't mean do illegal stuff, that would be just stupid and immature, but you get the idea.

 

It's been going on like this with women and men for many years, and will go on for more, irrespective of what we may feel appropriate or decent. Look at this message board. Look at the forum topic that has the most threads. Dating. More than 42,000! threads started. No other forum topic even comes remotely close to that. The examples are there to see.

 

When you do find that woman that deserves you, let her issues stay her issues. If she tries to make them yours, that is not your responsibility. Every emotional response from her does not need to elicit a response from you. Know your center as a man.

 

If that prospective lady doesn't call back a couple of times and you start getting the idea she's not going to? No biggie. Go find another woman. Be free, no apologies, no backpedaling, just go out and have fun. She would do no different. Leave when you want, and stay when you want. She complains and or bitches at you? Make it clear that you won't be around to witness it. Let her complain and bitch. Leave until the tantrum is over. If she leaves, she's done you a favor. Don't expect her to explain, she will assume it's obvious. You do the same.

 

Curt

Edited July 19, 2010 by Curt

[fishtaco]

I think you and I sumdude need to stop caring about what women think and we need to keep our options open and not focus solely on one woman, that way if they flake off or ignore you, it's no big deal you'll have another one lined up. I might see if I have success with that.

 

Thank you.

 

One modification, even if they don't ignore you, you should have another one lined up. Many women change their minds all the time. If they're not ignoring you, it means they're not ignoring you FOR NOW. They could always ignore you later, and they have the right to do so.

 

And this is when what stace79 talked about comes in handy. When you're juggling, you don't need to explain to them anything either. You don't owe them anything just like they don't owe you anything. It makes rescheduling or even swapping out your roster much much easier.

 

And I wouldn't blame this on women. For your case, since this is a new found approach, you'd say "I do this because women are this way". Sure, absolutely. But women are they way they are because some other guy did something to them, and they're just reacting like you are. It's chicken and egg. So no finger pointing, everyone has a "how I became a villain" story anyway, just accept the fact that this is what it is, and jump on the bandwagon. It's certainly better than not on the bandwagon.

[stace79]

Thank you.

 

One modification, even if they don't ignore you, you should have another one lined up. Many women change their minds all the time. If they're not ignoring you, it means they're not ignoring you FOR NOW. They could always ignore you later, and they have the right to do so.

 

And this is when what stace79 talked about comes in handy. When you're juggling, you don't need to explain to them anything either. You don't owe them anything just like they don't owe you anything. It makes rescheduling or even swapping out your roster much much easier.

 

And I wouldn't blame this on women. For your case, since this is a new found approach, you'd say "I do this because women are this way". Sure, absolutely. But women are they way they are because some other guy did something to them, and they're just reacting like you are. It's chicken and egg. So no finger pointing, everyone has a "how I became a villain" story anyway, just accept the fact that this is what it is, and jump on the bandwagon. It's certainly better than not on the bandwagon.

 

Good points. And basically what I'm learning about dating (through experience) is that you should never assume. Unless you have a talk about exclusivity or whatever else, keep acting as though you're not committed.

 

And it's correct -- just as I don't owe anybody an explanation, neither do you!

[fishtaco]

I understand now, it's fine to treat women like objects and dirt. I have learnt a lot from this site. I'll report back with my findings.

 

Treating women poorly is... well, a very advanced technique. It's not easy to pull off. I wouldn't try it. How about just treat them neutrally? They haven't proved themselves to be trust-worthy, so don't trust them. I think that's just common sense.

 

All that multi-dating and you don't owe each other anything stuff is simply protection against people you don't know are trust-worthy or not. Seems like you're angry because not everyone on the planet is a good person.

[alphamale]

I understand now, it's fine to treat women like objects and dirt. I have learnt a lot from this site. I'll report back with my findings.

no you have to alternate between treating them like dirt and treating them well