How come girls just won't say, sorry I'm not interested?

[ivyterre83]

Sometimes I have been forced to say why I wasn't interested.

 

i see.

im assuming you stopped calling and she asked why?

[PhillyDude]

i see.

im assuming you stopped calling and she asked why?

 

 

Yeah I had to tell her that her constant talk about marriage and kids was making me uncomfortable

[somedude81]

Just thought I'd post in this thread again.

 

I ended up having a great lunch date with her today. It went a bit longer than it should of, but that was because I was afraid of bringing up any interest on my part and making sure she is single.

 

We talked about tons of stuff, then I finally find a way to segway into relationships. After a few minutes of that talk, I tell her that I want her number and she actually gives it to me. I wasn't expecting a girl who knows I'm interested to give me her number. Then the date quickly wraps up after that. I got the feeling that she was waiting for me to make a move.

 

So we walked to her car and I gave her a hug, going for a kiss didn't feel right, I'll go for that next time. It sucks that I'm going out of town for a couple of weeks. I hope she doesn't lose all interest by the time I'm back. I might text her a couple of times between now and then.

 

I want to have a real date with her when I get back.

[Green]

Just thought I'd post in this thread again.

 

I ended up having a great lunch date with her today. It went a bit longer than it should of, but that was because I was afraid of bringing up any interest on my part and making sure she is single.

 

We talked about tons of stuff, then I finally find a way to segway into relationships. After a few minutes of that talk, I tell her that I want her number and she actually gives it to me. I wasn't expecting a girl who knows I'm interested to give me her number. Then the date quickly wraps up after that. I got the feeling that she was waiting for me to make a move.

 

So we walked to her car and I gave her a hug, going for a kiss didn't feel right, I'll go for that next time. It sucks that I'm going out of town for a couple of weeks. I hope she doesn't lose all interest by the time I'm back. I might text her a couple of times between now and then.

 

I want to have a real date with her when I get back.

 

Hugs are lame, numbers mean nothing, GET THAT KISS.

[Stung]

IMO, after the initial weirdness of your fishing for info and being so concerned about her scheduling, not going for the kiss right away was probably best.

 

Go do your out-of-town thing. Text her a couple of times to let her know she's crossing your mind but do not blow up her phone with texts and do not obsess about what she's doing, just have a good time doing whatever you're doing. This is not about playing games, it's about having healthy boundaries. And when you get back, call her and ask her out again.

 

You're doing well so far.

[dispatch3d]

Hugs are lame, numbers mean nothing, GET THAT KISS.

 

It's a good ego boost, and gives him some sense of victory. I mean I think its a classic case of girls not being able to say no... so why not at least take the shot of ego that comes with asking for a number? It's better when you haven't asked for a bunch of numbers too... wears down over time.

 

I agree though, the only thing that matters is if she gets physical with you. If she doesn't, she isn't interested.

[somedude81]

Hugs are lame, numbers mean nothing, GET THAT KISS.

Gee thanks for the encouragement

 

Go do your out-of-town thing. Text her a couple of times to let her know she's crossing your mind but do not blow up her phone with texts and do not obsess about what she's doing, just have a good time doing whatever you're doing. This is not about playing games, it's about having healthy boundaries. And when you get back, call her and ask her out again.

 

You're doing well so far.

What's something I can text her about? Would asking her how she did in the class be OK? I really don't want to come off poorly. Blowing it now becuase of something I say or text over the phone would be terrible.

 

I really want to ask her out but I need to wait till I'm back home.

 

It's a good ego boost, and gives him some sense of victory. I mean I think its a classic case of girls not being able to say no... so why not at least take the shot of ego that comes with asking for a number? It's better when you haven't asked for a bunch of numbers too... wears down over time.

 

I agree though, the only thing that matters is if she gets physical with you. If she doesn't, she isn't interested.

When I was talking to her I definitely got the feeling that she was interested.

 

But you're right that I can't know for sure till I try to get physical. This feels like the worst time to have a vacation but I did it because my my cousins were going camping and I wanted to be with them.

 

I am not used to having girls actually be interested in me. I'm almost panicking because something seems to be going good for once then I had to leave town.

[Bogo123]

Yeah this gets on my nerves. Especially when they continue responding to my texts. I would move on if she didn't respond or said she wasn't interested. The slow let down is worse because it makes me feel like there's hope, of course until I go for the date and then its one excuse after another.

[Engadget]

Women do everything they can to be indirect, they lie, they make up elaborate stories and on and on. I hate women who do this **** as I'm blunt and honest.

[somedude81]

Since this thread is basically my journal, I'll continue to post here. And maybe somebody reads my most recent posts...

 

I sent her a very brief text yesterday, "Hey (her name), how's it going. What did you get in the rel class."

 

And she never replied...

 

So of course I'm thinking the worst. She lost all interest already. Or that she was leading me on when we had lunch together.

 

She had plenty of chances to reject me back then. So why did she make me believe that I had a chance.

 

Of course I'm still going to call her and ask her out when I get back home. I'd rather have her actually reject me than end like this.

[counterman]

I've shot out a few text messages before and had them never reply. At first, I use to get anxious and would be really disappointed when I never got a reply.

 

What I found was, those who were interested me replied fairly quickly OR if they ever replied late they'll say sorry and offer an explanation and we pick it up from there. Some you were wishy-washy, waited longer intervals to send messages but I knew they weren't that interested.

 

Now, if I want to say something, I just send it. Never really great at text but been using it to flirt and it works. One thing I've also learnt is, timing is crucial.

 

Just see what happens when you call her.

[Rhythmic]

Since this thread is basically my journal, I'll continue to post here. And maybe somebody reads my most recent posts...

 

I sent her a very brief text yesterday, "Hey (her name), how's it going. What did you get in the rel class."

 

And she never replied...

 

So of course I'm thinking the worst. She lost all interest already. Or that she was leading me on when we had lunch together.

 

She had plenty of chances to reject me back then. So why did she make me believe that I had a chance.

 

Of course I'm still going to call her and ask her out when I get back home. I'd rather have her actually reject me than end like this.

 

 

 

 

Why do you guys do this to yourselves?

 

Are there no other women you could be talking to? She doesn't want any part of you just take the damn hint and go spend your time talking to new girls.

[Stung]

It's not a great sign that she didn't respond quickly, it definitely could mean she's not that interested. But it's not a calamity either...maybe it didn't go through, maybe she doesn't have her phone on her, etc. etc. I frequently have the ringer on my phone turned off so I don't see incoming messages until much later. Wait and see if she does respond with an apology/acknowledgement that it took a while.

 

Try not to stress about it too much, the stress is what's loading this situation and making you feel angry and awkward. I know you like her and this is hard, but imagine the worst-case scenario and then let it wash over you that that is still not the end of the world.

 

You're away on a trip, right? Try to enjoy your trip. Do what you can to distract yourself from obsessing about this girl. I wouldn't text her again...if you do, keep it casual, just a 'hey, what's up?' When you do get home and call her, keep it light. You're trying to establish a rapport with her, you don't want to grill her about why she's not more responsive, what she was doing, whether she's rejecting you etc. You've had one lunch date, she's not accountable to you yet. Believe it or not dating is supposed to be fun--at least in theory.

[electricity]

Two things:

 

First, I wouldn't respond to someone who asked how I did in a class. Whoever did worse would feel worse, and it really isn't the business of someone I hardly know. Are you on vacation somewhere during summer break? Is she? Just ask how her break is going, and say you're having a blast wherever you are.

 

Second, it's not that I feel particularly guilty about telling a guy I'm not interested and I'd feel better about myself if I let him buy me dinner before rejecting him - I'd actually feel worse about leading him on. I'm afraid I'm misinterpreting his signals (what if he's just interested in being friends and I come across as a narcissistic fool?). I'm not sure if I am interested or not, and it takes a date or two to figure that out. I'm afraid of being called a stuck-up/cold-hearted/egotistical/[insert adj here] bitch who won't even take the time to get to know a guy before rejecting him.

 

It's a lose-lose situation - guys either complain about the women who lead him on or the women who won't give him a chance, and it's a crapshoot which option any particular woman you ask out turn out to be.

[TheWatcher]

I saw that girl who did that to me the other week and she tried speaking to me and I made it clear that I would never talk to her again.

 

Bangle...How dare you not drop to your knees & thank her for acknowledging you and speaking to you ? Women are so unaccustomed to facing rejection;she must have been stunned by your reaction.

[somedude81]

I've shot out a few text messages before and had them never reply. At first, I use to get anxious and would be really disappointed when I never got a reply.

 

What I found was, those who were interested me replied fairly quickly OR if they ever replied late they'll say sorry and offer an explanation and we pick it up from there. Some you were wishy-washy, waited longer intervals to send messages but I knew they weren't that interested.

By now I know she's not going to reply to that message. I don't know if she got it or not, now it's not that important. I may send her a generic, hey what's up, but I don't know.

 

She didn't reply to the email I sent her before we saw each other, but then in person she was the one who brought up getting together after class. We had a fun time together, and I felt like she was interested. I'm just confused on what she actually thinks.

 

Why do you guys do this to yourselves?

 

Are there no other women you could be talking to? She doesn't want any part of you just take the damn hint and go spend your time talking to new girls.

The other girls I was talking to didn't pan out. She's basically my only option till school starts again in September.

 

I still think it's too soon to write her off. When I get back I'll give her one phone call and try to arrange one date. She declines, I'll delete her number.

It's not a great sign that she didn't respond quickly, it definitely could mean she's not that interested. But it's not a calamity either...maybe it didn't go through, maybe she doesn't have her phone on her, etc. etc. I frequently have the ringer on my phone turned off so I don't see incoming messages until much later. Wait and see if she does respond with an apology/acknowledgement that it took a while.

Yeah, I have no way of knowing if she got the text or not. I'm basically amusing that she will not reply.

 

Try not to stress about it too much, the stress is what's loading this situation and making you feel angry and awkward. I know you like her and this is hard, but imagine the worst-case scenario and then let it wash over you that that is still not the end of the world.

 

You're away on a trip, right? Try to enjoy your trip. Do what you can to distract yourself from obsessing about this girl. I wouldn't text her again...if you do, keep it casual, just a 'hey, what's up?' When you do get home and call her, keep it light. You're trying to establish a rapport with her, you don't want to grill her about why she's not more responsive, what she was doing, whether she's rejecting you etc. You've had one lunch date, she's not accountable to you yet. Believe it or not dating is supposed to be fun--at least in theory.

It's very hard not to stress over this. I have always done very poorly with women. So when it seems that I may have a chance with a girl, she becomes my sole focus. I can't even remember the last time a girl may have been interested in me, and not as a friend.

 

I'm definitely not going to grill her. I don't want to do anything to push her away. I just don't want her to forget me either. I really wish I was home so I could try to really pursue her. It's frustrating being in this situation. I just might cut my trip short since I've already seen my family and then I can really try to go after her.

 

Women and men should be honest, I am if I am not interested in someone. There's nothing worse than a spineless person who is too cowardly to be honest with you and then they say "I didn't want to hurt your feelings" as if I would give an opportunity to "hurt my feelings" what pretentious trash. The reason women just go and ignore a man is because they are gutless and no man should tolerate a gutless woman.

I got very, very angry at the other girl I mentioned, the one who let the date happen and brought a guy friend along. A girl being spineless and leading the guy on is a coward and also a jerk for even letting it happen.

 

Two things:

 

First, I wouldn't respond to someone who asked how I did in a class. Whoever did worse would feel worse, and it really isn't the business of someone I hardly know. Are you on vacation somewhere during summer break? Is she? Just ask how her break is going, and say you're having a blast wherever you are.

On the way to the restaraunt we had a talk about the test asking how each other did and what we thought the answers were. We also compared grades on papers and the other tests, so me asking her how she did wasn't odd at all. The main reason I did it was I wanted to text her something more substantial than, "Hey what's up?"

 

Second, it's not that I feel particularly guilty about telling a guy I'm not interested and I'd feel better about myself if I let him buy me dinner before rejecting him - I'd actually feel worse about leading him on. I'm afraid I'm misinterpreting his signals (what if he's just interested in being friends and I come across as a narcissistic fool?). I'm not sure if I am interested or not, and it takes a date or two to figure that out. I'm afraid of being called a stuck-up/cold-hearted/egotistical/[insert adj here] bitch who won't even take the time to get to know a guy before rejecting him.

 

It's a lose-lose situation - guys either complain about the women who lead him on or the women who won't give him a chance, and it's a crapshoot which option any particular woman you ask out turn out to be.

I understand what you are saying. Though I'm sure you are able to tell when a guy is interested. Heck, the very fact that I asked her if she was dating anybody and that I asked for her number, should tell her that I'm interested. She doesn't seem like a stupid girl.

 

You do bring up an interesting point about not knowing if you, yourself are interested. She's could still be trying to figure that out.

 

Frankly, being led on is much much much worse than a girl not giving me a chance. I don't get feelings for girls that quickly reject me. When I think I may have a chance with a girl, I allow my feelings to develop for her, that's why I'm getting so stressed about this.

 

There's also the issue that I want a girlfriend more than anything in the world. Of course I'm very careful to keep that from her. She just thinks I'm a guy that would like to date her and I am. I'll think about the girlfriend stuff at a later time.

[Green]

Women like action... you can't "hey whats up" your way into her heart.

 

"Come hang out tonight" now thats a msg. I understand you are away from her now... but dude I kept telling you all summer to make a move.

 

For now I say you hit on girls who are in your town. Leave this one on the back burner... to be continued... you really should have kissed her on your date though.

[Stung]

 

 

It's very hard not to stress over this. I have always done very poorly with women. So when it seems that I may have a chance with a girl, she becomes my sole focus. I can't even remember the last time a girl may have been interested in me, and not as a friend.

 

I'm definitely not going to grill her. I don't want to do anything to push her away. I just don't want her to forget me either. I really wish I was home so I could try to really pursue her. It's frustrating being in this situation. I just might cut my trip short since I've already seen my family and then I can really try to go after her.

 

 

 

I know and I'm not trying to be glib, I hope it doesn't come across that way. It's easy to obsess and drive yourself crazy in your situation. However, I've seen it happen over and over again that stressing too much over a potential relationship can strangle the life out of it, as the mounting tension makes the stressed-out person behave awkwardly, unappealingly. Then of course they get more desperate the next time. It can turn into a vicious cycle ...if you're finding yourself trapped in this cycle, it's wise to try to find a way to break it.

 

IMO, cutting your trip short would probably be putting too much pressure on this potential relationship. Seriously, try to widen your focus a little, loosen your grip, and enjoy your time with your family. Aren't you only going to be gone two weeks? If this girl has genuine interest in you, she won't forget you in two weeks. If she is just trying to feel her way around and make up her mind, it could really go either way: it is possible someone else will swoop in, but it's also possible that for her, space and time will help her make up her mind in your favor.

[griffinchicken53]

i have a suspicion that women want to leave you as an option. case in point, had a female friend i talked to with email and text, kind of ended up liking her but i don't think she knew. she had a bf at the time but talked to me about alot of stuff. when they broke up, suddenly it's like all these hot guys are talking to her, so no time for the "ugly guy". but should the hot guys stop talking to her she can always call on me. to which at this point i won't reply to her.....ever.....

 

or she could tell i liked her and didn't want to be rude. but i'm the kind of person i'd rather them say" i'll email you but we will never hang out" so when i asked about lunch they should have said no, rather than "we'll see, my schedule is busy" i got my hopes up thinking i'd have a female to hang out with. but another disappointment, and like the OP, i assume the worst.

[zengirl]

She didn't like it, but then honesty isn't always nice, but in the long run honesty is more than helpful. We could have been friends had she said "I'm not interested", that's all she had to say to me. She didn't have to explain why, just three words and she would have had a friend, but then I'm not particularly bothered. I do not speak to women to befriend them. I speak to women to sleep with them.

I bolded the last sentence, because, basically, this is part of why "I'm not interested" is a problem.

 

I'd like to think I'm a pretty nice girl, but I haven't mastered this. I don't do things like the girl the OP mentioned exactly; I've learned over the years how to avoid and word things even more vaguely so that I lead guys on less (hopefully not at all), but when you come right out and say, "I'm not interested" without giving some big, fake reason (I'm not dating right now, I'm dating someone else, etc), too many guys get stupid and annoying. Not all of them, of course, but you never know when its going to happen. It's like playing minesweeper.

 

Why? they want to know.

 

And, most of the time, I don't want to say why. Because. . . honestly, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all, and the why isn't nice.

 

Or, they just lash out and say things like, "Oh, so I'm not good enough for you!?!" or call you names or whatnot. It's not fun.

 

Now, to the bolded part, and how it's part of the problem: Guys don't approach girls to be friends (or not enough of them) but you'll get the nice guys with their shtick like, "Oh, you're too good to talk to me then" if you try to avoid them. Personally, I have a radar for when a guy is approaching me to hit on me/ask me out/with romantic intentions; I'll be friends with guys I'm not attracted to/interested in, of course, but if a guy approaches me and pings that radar. . . I'm sorry, I'm going to avoid him like the plague, and hope he doesn't get the chance to ask me out.

 

Because then I have to get into the drama. It'd be nice if all men out there just took, "I'm not interested" in stride and in the spirit its meant ("Hey, good luck out there, but I'm not feeling it. Sorry."). But they don't. They really, really don't.

[counterman]

I agree. Not all guys take it on the chin and move on. One of my friends use to start bitching about a girl once she rejects him. Another goes "it's your loss, not mine". And, you never know, someone might go crazy and god knows what he's going to do.

 

As for one of my girl friends, she say she doesn't say straight to the point and prefers to be "nice" because she doesn't like hurting people. I understand what she means... but I think a guy benefits from getting it straight up and learning how to deal with rejection.

 

I think some girls who may be slightly interested in a guy but not interested enough would say something along the lines of "I'm not looking for a relationship right now but would like it if we could be friends", which effectively places that guy as an option. Then, the guy might believe that being friends with her might get him closer to a relationship, which I don't think is the way to go.

[somedude81]

What is the best response to give a guy to make him stop chasing? I'm really starting to believe that this girl is not interested, which was my thought from the very start.

 

Knowing that she really likes movies, and especially action movies, I texted her after I saw Inception, "Dude you have to see Inception, it's hella crazy." Of course I got no reply from her. If she was interested she could think of something to reply. So that's two texts she hasn't replied to.

 

So now I'm wondering why she even had lunch with me and had the flirty conversation about dating then she gave me her number after I expressed my interest. She could have easily ended the date, not let the conversation get there and simply not given me her number. Was she so stupid that she didn't think I was interested even after I basically said, "I want your number."

 

If she sent me a text, "Please stop contacting me." I would understand and forget about her. Women need to be adults and just be upfront and honest.

 

I don't do things like the girl the OP mentioned exactly; I've learned over the years how to avoid and word things even more vaguely so that I lead guys on less (hopefully not at all), but when you come right out and say, "I'm not interested" without giving some big, fake reason (I'm not dating right now, I'm dating someone else, etc), too many guys get stupid and annoying. Not all of them, of course, but you never know when its going to happen. It's like playing minesweeper.

 

Why? they want to know.

Yeah men want to know. So what's wrong with telling them? The most important thing to do is make sure the man knows that you're not interested. Most men know that, "We can still be friends" is the universal rejection. But you are right that even hearing that from the last girl, I still wanted to know why. Her answer was that she doesn't want to date anybody, was a very roundabout way of telling me that she wasn't interested.

 

An answer of, "Sorry I'm just not insterested," "I don't feel any chemestiry" or anything like that tells me to forget about her. It also shows that she's adult enough to actually be honest.

 

I think some girls who may be slightly interested in a guy but not interested enough would say something along the lines of "I'm not looking for a relationship right now but would like it if we could be friends", which effectively places that guy as an option. Then, the guy might believe that being friends with her might get him closer to a relationship, which I don't think is the way to go.

That's pretty much the exact same thing the last girl said to me. Of course I knew better and I politely rejected the consolation prize of being her friend.

 

She would have been a great friend and we had a ton of common interests, but I didn't want her as a friend.

[zengirl]

Yeah men want to know. So what's wrong with telling them? The most important thing to do is make sure the man knows that you're not interested. Most men know that, "We can still be friends" is the universal rejection. But you are right that even hearing that from the last girl, I still wanted to know why. Her answer was that she doesn't want to date anybody, was a very roundabout way of telling me that she wasn't interested.

 

An answer of, "Sorry I'm just not insterested," "I don't feel any chemestiry" or anything like that tells me to forget about her. It also shows that she's adult enough to actually be honest.

 

I agree with you, in theory, and I'd like to be able to say that to guys, but I admit, I often just avoid it.

 

What's wrong with telling them?

 

Many of them go a little nutty, get nasty, get defensive, or insult a girl simply for saying, "I'm not interested." The why should be implied. Asking "Why?" after I've said that is rude. For one thing, it's none of the guy's darn business why! But, really, the issue is: He doesn't want to know why. He doesn't want me to tell him that I don't find him attractive, that I don't find him that interesting. . . People say they want that, but many, many people don't. They'd wonder why I was being such a bitch.

 

As I said, the girl in the OP's scenario seemed a bit more on-and-on about it, and I don't do that, but maybe I did when I was younger. I'm just giving a possible reason why girls don't just say, "I'm not that interested."

 

I've said it, and I've had some nasty encounters because of it.

[somedude81]

As I said, the girl in the OP's scenario seemed a bit more on-and-on about it, and I don't do that, but maybe I did when I was younger. I'm just giving a possible reason why girls don't just say, "I'm not that interested."

Heh, I am the OP

 

I am really trying to figure out why women do these things. Frankly it's getting very tiresome that I keep running into women that pull this crap.

 

 

I agree with you, in theory, and I'd like to be able to say that to guys, but I admit, I often just avoid it.

 

What's wrong with telling them?

 

Many of them go a little nutty, get nasty, get defensive, or insult a girl simply for saying, "I'm not interested." The why should be implied. Asking "Why?" after I've said that is rude. For one thing, it's none of the guy's darn business why! But, really, the issue is: He doesn't want to know why. He doesn't want me to tell him that I don't find him attractive, that I don't find him that interesting. . . People say they want that, but many, many people don't. They'd wonder why I was being such a bitch.

 

I've said it, and I've had some nasty encounters because of it.

I can see how some guys freak out.

 

So does that mean that a girls only options are to let the guy think he has a chance, or to just ignore him?

[Gattica]

I will let a guy know that I am not interested. I would rather him know so he doesn't keep pursuing me. Also, I will let a guy know because if I put myself out there and ask a guy out, I would want him to be upfront with me and not waste my time. It can be hard to do, but it saves a lot of grief and truly hurt feelings in the end.

 

I think it boils down to respecting people and treating them as you would like to be treated.