How come girls just won't say, sorry I'm not interested?

[sweetjasmine]

The first paragraph seems interesting to me that you view things like that. If you met the perfect guy for you, 100% perfect match in the entire world. Realize that the probablity of you meeting someone 90% perfect is slim to none..that's how rare this is. Then he asks you out one weekend you wouldn't clear your schedule just for that one date? Or you would even think its acceptable to sit around and "relax"? I mean, why not set a time for him that weekend even if he's 60% perfect? I just don't quite get the logical... it really is more emotional than anything though. She didn't feel like taking a chance like that this weekend - so she didn't...

 

First of all, how would I know he's 100% or 90% perfect if I've hardly ever talked to him?

 

And if he's 100% perfect for me, he wouldn't be the type of person to get angry at me for not dropping everything I'm doing and going out with him as soon as humanly possible. He wouldn't think I'm playing games and blowing him off if I said yes and suggested another day. He wouldn't sit at home and try to figure out where I am and what I'm up to. He would accept that I'm a person with my own life.

 

We don't know anything about this girl. Maybe she was blowing him off. Maybe she's not that interested. Maybe she's interested but was busy. Maybe she just felt like hanging out at home this weekend. Maybe she had a bunch of friends over for the holiday. Maybe she had a really long, rough week and wanted to chill out. Maybe her favorite goldfish died. There could be a million other things going on in her life that he doesn't know about. So who knows what the deal is?

 

My only point was that not everyone is sitting at home anxiously waiting for whatever opportunity they can get to go on a date. And I don't think there's anything wrong with scheduling something for later if you already have plans for the weekend or don't feel like doing anything on those days.

[somedude81]

Heh, this thread has shown that I don't have a clue how girls work. Of course I already knew that

 

So the basic message of the posts is that she was interested...enough.

 

I automatically assume that no girls are into me so I get negative when I get the slightest hint of disinterest.

 

Where did you come up with 20 minutes? If a guy I liked asked me for coffee, I'd assume we might enjoy each other's company for an hour or so, maybe longer if coffee led to some other activity.

 

I never counter with a date unless I am interested.

Wow, it never occurred to me that she may have been thinking how long the date actually would be. The comments about her having to clear her schedule for me, just weren't making sense. Now I'm starting to understand.

 

I'll just see what happens tomorrow.

 

Thanks for the input guys.

[sweetjasmine]

Heh, this thread has shown that I don't have a clue how girls work. Of course I already knew that

 

So the basic message of the posts is that she was interested...enough.

 

I automatically assume that no girls are into me so I get negative when I get the slightest hint of disinterest.

 

That she suggested another day means to me that she's at least somewhat interested, but I could be wrong. Just try to keep an open mind about it and see what happens. If it's too hard to be positive, try to at least be neutral.

[dispatch3d]

First of all, how would I know he's 100% or 90% perfect if I've hardly ever talked to him?

 

And if he's 100% perfect for me, he wouldn't be the type of person to get angry at me for not dropping everything I'm doing and going out with him as soon as humanly possible. He wouldn't think I'm playing games and blowing him off if I said yes and suggested another day. He wouldn't sit at home and try to figure out where I am and what I'm up to. He would accept that I'm a person with my own life.

 

We don't know anything about this girl. Maybe she was blowing him off. Maybe she's not that interested. Maybe she's interested but was busy. Maybe she just felt like hanging out at home this weekend. Maybe she had a bunch of friends over for the holiday. Maybe she had a really long, rough week and wanted to chill out. Maybe her favorite goldfish died. There could be a million other things going on in her life that he doesn't know about. So who knows what the deal is?

 

My only point was that not everyone is sitting at home anxiously waiting for whatever opportunity they can get to go on a date. And I don't think there's anything wrong with scheduling something for later if you already have plans for the weekend or don't feel like doing anything on those days.

 

I'm not trying to make a point/counterpoint or discredit whatever your point is. I realize this is the way things are - girls continually postpone/cancel/blow off/flake out on dates with guys. Even at the risk of losing potentially perfect matches, and even if they really do like the guy.

 

In my example it's a GIVEN he's 100% perfect for you. That's the context of the entire story. You obviously don't know for certain, but I'd assume if you met the perfect guy for you you'd have an idea after first meeting him that he's a very good match for you. Yet you risk ****ing things up with the perfect guy just because you didn't feel like going out that weekend and would rather laze around. He'd have no idea if you are playing games or not.

 

My success with texting and getting girls to meetup has been pretty piss-poor. I'd advise you trying phone calls from now on. I think you first have to get the girl in a state where she emotionally WANTS to do something right then (in the moment). So call, see if you click for 10 minutes (have some story that just happened to you to start off the conversation), then decide if you want to ask her out or not. If the girl isn't in a positive state when you happen to text her/set the time/whatever then you aren't going to get a meetup.

 

Not to mention if she isn't ready to answer a phone call she isn't going to meet you at some place for a date. Even if in talking to you she has every intention of doing so.

 

edit: Thinking about it I have been able to get meetups from texting even at odd hours of the night. But I had to text the girl a ton, get her emotional, then just have her receptive to me coming over now... I invited myself over assuming she would say no if she didn't want me there.... I asked her if she had any food, then told her I'm coming over to eat her chips (or whatever it was she said she had) right now.

Edited July 6, 2010 by dispatch3d

[sweetjasmine]

I'm not trying to make a point/counterpoint or discredit whatever your point is. I realize this is the way things are - girls continually postpone/cancel/blow off/flake out on dates with guys. Even at the risk of losing potentially perfect matches, and even if they really do like the guy.

 

In my example it's a GIVEN he's 100% perfect for you. That's the context of the entire story. You obviously don't know for certain, but I'd assume if you met the perfect guy for you you'd have an idea after first meeting him that he's a very good match for you. Yet you risk ****ing things up with the perfect guy just because you didn't feel like going out that weekend and would rather laze around. He'd have no idea if you are playing games or not.

 

I guess I don't understand why it would risk f-ing things up. It's only a few days. I mean, look at it this way. Say you're in OP's position and you think she might just be blowing you off. But then on Tuesday after class she comes up to you to set a time for Wednesday. How would you react? Would you be cautious and think she might be playing games? Or would you be inclined to think that she's genuinely interested? Would you politely turn her down because she had her chance or would you accept?

[dispatch3d]

oh dude and ask for her number. Girls give out their numbers like it's their job. If she doesn't give you the number chances are she's just REALLY not interested. I probably get 85%+ of numbers I've asked for lifetime but I definitely don't sleep with/date 85%+ of girls whose number I've gotten. In other words... expect the real challenges to come after getting the number not while you get it.

[dispatch3d]

I guess I don't understand why it would risk f-ing things up. It's only a few days. I mean, look at it this way. Say you're in OP's position and you think she might just be blowing you off. But then on Tuesday after class she comes up to you to set a time for Wednesday. How would you react? Would you be cautious and think she might be playing games? Or would you be inclined to think that she's genuinely interested? Would you politely turn her down because she had her chance or would you accept?

 

We both know (and I feel girls are all too aware of this) that almost all guys if not all would accept. I guess this is another reason girls so readily blow off dates - they know in the end they can just reschedule and it'll probably go fine.

 

The reason you could be f-ing things up seems obvious to me. He could meet someone inbetween the time he first scheduled the date and the time you reschedule. He could be extremely busy, and both your schedules conflict badly and you just end up never getting together. He may have to cancel on the next one/a legit reason happens the second time and then you're just farther into danger territory.

 

I can tell you flaking on the first date definitely isn't HELPING further anything at all.

 

I also realize this discussion is pretty pointless - girls will always readily flake on a date until they realllly like you/ they realize this may be their last chance.

[Green]

Girls RARELY make it CLEAR if they are INTERESTED or NOT.

 

That is why you should just take GIRLS INTEREST OUT of the EQUATION.

 

ONLY ask yourself DO I LIKE HER? If the answer is yes proceed till SHE CLEARLY proves to you that she DOESN'T LIKE YOU. If there is any chance that she LIKES you then you proceed.

 

My current GF TURNED ME DOWN for the first thing I ASKED HER OUT TO... Not only did she turn me down, but she didn't get back with me on her answer of NO until after the event had already started...

 

Turns out she was nervouse, but it worked out any way because I didn't just give up.

 

Learn how to not CARE. Women love a guy who just has fun and doesn't care or seek their approval. APPROVE OF YOURSELF.

 

When ever posbile ASK GIRLS OUT IN PERSON... and ASK them out for something close in time... preferably ask them to do something NOW or later that night... or at the latest the next day....

 

I realize you said she was never alone... But hey some times you have to create the oportunity by GETTING HER ALONE... ask her to wait up after class or what ever in front of her friends... then when you have her alone ask her out. Or just be like hey ______ I want to show you something... then walk her outside class and ask her out when shes away from her friends.

 

SOME GIRLS have knee jerk reaction to say no. BUT the fact that they have such a HARD time saying no works in YOUR FAVOR... you see the more face time you get... the more the LIKE YOU.

 

If a girl finds herself unable to flat out say no... she might go on a date with you... and then she might actualy find herself LIKING you after you KISS HER.

 

With the girl in your story it is a GREAT sign that she countered you with... HOW ABOUT WEDNESDAY... look talk to her in class tuesday and try to get her out... but if not you still have WEDNESDAY... I THINK YOU HAVE a 50% shot.... thats good odds.

[D-Lish]

Are you making it clear you are asking someone on a romantic date?

 

To me, coffee means hang out, it's more of a friendly, innocent request.

[Star Gazer]

Are you making it clear you are asking someone on a romantic date?

 

To me, coffee means hang out, it's more of a friendly, innocent request.

 

I was going to ask the same question. I have had coffee with a guy friend, lunch, and even cocktails, all within the past month (different people) and I never took them as romantic dates... although, now maybe I should think twice.

[PhillyDude]

I was going to ask the same question. I have had coffee with a guy friend, lunch, and even cocktails, all within the past month (different people) and I never took them as romantic dates... although, now maybe I should think twice.

 

Why because the STREET LIGHTS were not on?

[D-Lish]

I was going to ask the same question. I have had coffee with a guy friend, lunch, and even cocktails, all within the past month (different people) and I never took them as romantic dates... although, now maybe I should think twice.

 

I do the same with my male friends!

 

Why because the STREET LIGHTS were not on?

 

Nah, not that, because coffee is something that everyone seems to do with everyone.

 

Even in Uni, that's what people did with "friends".

[Star Gazer]

I do the same with my male friends!

 

Yeah, now that I think about it... one of them may have been a date. I was still so caught up in my breakup haze that I took their eagerness to "catch up" as more altruistic than it may have been... Whops.

[SarahRose]

I was going to ask the same question. I have had coffee with a guy friend, lunch, and even cocktails, all within the past month (different people) and I never took them as romantic dates... although, now maybe I should think twice.

 

It is funny as I can't think of one male who wouldn't think I was interested in them if I asked them for coffee.

 

I rode to a group lunch one time with a male co-worker and after that he starts flirting etc. I guess because I rode in his car alone with him he thought I was interested in him romantically.

 

Men generally have nothing to do with women they aren't interested in and I suppose they think women have the same thinking as they do.

[D-Lish]

Yeah, now that I think about it... one of them may have been a date. I was still so caught up in my breakup haze that I took their eagerness to "catch up" as more altruistic than it may have been... Whops.

 

Well regardless, it's a nice compliment!

[counterman]

Coffee could be a date or it might just be hanging out. I asked a girl out for coffee once, intending it to be a date and then when I went to confirm our "date", which said she never agreed to one. So, I'm not making that mistake again.

 

I think flirting with her would show your intentions already but by definitely going for a kiss, it shows that you've certainly intended for it to be a date.

[BentSpine]

Coffee could be a date or it might just be hanging out. I asked a girl out for coffee once, intending it to be a date and then when I went to confirm our "date", which said she never agreed to one. So, I'm not making that mistake again.

Don't think you made any mistake, counterman. If she had had high interest then I doubt she would have fought the date status.

 

I think flirting with her would show your intentions already but by definitely going for a kiss, it shows that you've certainly intended for it to be a date.

Agree, flirting signals the attraction. Having to call it a date for flirting to get across is bull, in my view.

[harmfulsweetz]

I definitely don't see this as a blow off. I think there's numerous reasons why she could have rescheduled, and somedude, you need to stop with the negativity. Think positive. She set another date, which is a good sign.

 

dispatched, I see your point, but if I have plans on a weekend with my friends, I'm NOT going to blow them off for a date even if he could be 100% perfect for me. If he's so perfect for me, we'll reschedule.

[Green]

Are you making it clear you are asking someone on a romantic date?

 

To me, coffee means hang out, it's more of a friendly, innocent request.

 

I think you just have to FLIRT when asking the girl out. Then you have to try to KISS them on the date.

 

I don't think there is any point in making things clearer then that..."I am ASKING YOU OUT on a DATE, I want to make you my GF" would be lame.

[ivyterre83]

i know this thread is asking why GIRLS do this

but what about guys?

if your not interested in a girl and she is obviously pursuing you and has expressed interest do you tell her?

[dispatch3d]

I definitely don't see this as a blow off. I think there's numerous reasons why she could have rescheduled, and somedude, you need to stop with the negativity. Think positive. She set another date, which is a good sign.

 

dispatched, I see your point, but if I have plans on a weekend with my friends, I'm NOT going to blow them off for a date even if he could be 100% perfect for me. If he's so perfect for me, we'll reschedule.

 

Yeah he picked the wrong day for sure. Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday is way better than friday/saturday.

 

It depends on the context if coffee is a date. If you are working together and both go for coffee - clearly not a date. If you are both currently doing something where you are obligated to be there and go for coffee (such as work, or school) it's not really a date.

 

However I would never call up a girl who I'm friends with and ask if they want to go to coffee. That's definitely a date. I probably have more strict rules for myself/girls when it comes to friendship as I don't do anything individually with them that could be considered/is to me a date - like going to a movie or whatever. That's until things are very established we are just friends. Even then, I would probably go in a group (just thinking about my current girl friends).

 

It's definitely a grey area, since there's a bunch of inbetween's I intentionally left out since these are neither certain dates or not.

[somedude81]

I talked to her a bit during class and didn't bring up the email exchange at all. When class was over as she was walking away but she left her books on her desk. I picked them up and called out to her and we walked for a few minutes.

 

Very nervously I asked if she wanted to get together tomorrow. She said that tomorrow isn't good because she has to study for the final in her other class that's happening later that day. Then she said how bout Thursday.

 

So it seems like we may have something on Thursday. Unfortunately that's the absolute worse day for me since I'm going to be leaving on an 7-hour drive back home later that day and my Mom who came to visit also wants me to drive back with me. Which means the girl and I can only have a very brief time together. I love how when things seem they might be going good, I'm only allowed a small portion.

 

I do consider coffee to be a date or at least a date precursor. If that goes well, I'll try to get a more date date going. It just sucks that I'm going to be gone for about two weeks after that. If we do have "date" it will probably be our only one.

 

i know this thread is asking why GIRLS do this

but what about guys?

if your not interested in a girl and she is obviously pursuing you and has expressed interest do you tell her?

There main difference is that 90% of the time, it's the guy who asks the girl out. So even if a girl is interested in a guy, odds are she's not going to ask him out. If a girl I didn't like, invited me to do something with her, I would politely decline. I see no point in leading people on. I also would never suggest her to do anything with me since I only invite girls that I'm interested in.

 

Getting a bit off topic, in the same class there is a mid 30's woman, not attractive at all, who I think may be interested in me. She's always finding reasons to talk to me. Unfortunately she sits in front of the girl that I'm trying to pursue, who sits next to me. So every once in a while I don't have a choice but to talk to her when I'm really after the other girl. During the break I was talking to the girl I'm interested in and the other woman jumps right in the conversation. She actually walked up the stairs to join us. She's starting to annoy me but I always try to remain polite but keep my sentences short and walk away whenever I can. Heck, when I was walking with the girl I'm going for, when I made the turn to the bus stop I looked back and said bye, and the other woman was suddenly also there and both of them waved bye to me. It seems like she can't figure out that I'm after the other girl.

[Green]

sounds like a GREAT UPDATE... Time constraints can work in your favor. JUST MAKE SURE YOU KISS HER... if you find no oportunities to KISS during the date... then kiss her as you say goodbye. Don't ask, just kiss.

 

HAVE FUN THURSDAY. Don't be to upset about the time constraint, it happens.

[PhillyDude]

i know this thread is asking why GIRLS do this

but what about guys?

if your not interested in a girl and she is obviously pursuing you and has expressed interest do you tell her?

 

Sometimes I have been forced to say why I wasn't interested.

[somedude81]

sounds like a GREAT UPDATE... Time constraints can work in your favor. JUST MAKE SURE YOU KISS HER... if you find no oportunities to KISS during the date... then kiss her as you say goodbye. Don't ask, just kiss.

 

HAVE FUN THURSDAY. Don't be to upset about the time constraint, it happens.

LOL why not? It's the last day of class. There's a chance I'll never see her again anyways. So I really have nothing to lose.