somedude81 Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I keep running into situations where girls seem to be leading me on instead of just saying no, or sorry I'm not interested. The most recent example is a girl who I've been talking to in school. I was going to ask her out in class but really couldn't get any alone time to talk to her during class. So on Thursday I sent her an email and suggested getting coffee or something like that during the weekend. She replied back, "Aww, this weekend's not good for me. How about Wednesday?" Her reply was odd since the class meets on Tuesday and Thursday. Is she really so busy that she can't spare 20 minutes on any day between Friday through Monday? Or is she totally blowing me off? The fact that she said Wednesday is also strange since I'm going to see her in class Tuesday. My guess was that she is going out of town so I replied, "No worries. You going out of town for the holiday? I'm jealous." And I got no reply. Plus she updated her Facebook status last night that she heard fireworks from her house. So she's not out of town. Then why is she too busy? I have no idea what she's thinking. If she didn't mention a different day, that would be my signal to move on. Then I have a different example where a girl that I hung with a couple of times, agreed to go on an actual date with me. But she did some last minute plan changes and brought a guy friend on our date The next day when we talked at school she told me that she wasn't interested. So why didn't she just not accept the date in the first place or just cancel it instead of giving me hope and wasting my time? I hate having to play this game if she interested or not. It's much harder on me to think I have a chance and being let down than if the girl just said sorry when I asked her out.
Serenitynow Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 (edited) Because most women in our society are raised and taught indirectly that lying to save face or make difficult situations easier is OK to do. Females are taught from day one to "be nice" and cordial with people and to always "sugar coat". If a female asks another female how they look most females will lie and cover it up with some form of positive compliment. Most guys will just tell their guy friend they look like an arse if asked for an opinion on a bad clothing choice. its much easier to lie to you face to face, and then just hope you get the hint by ignoring you afterwords. How many times has everyone seen or been a part of a woman giving another woman a compliment about their hat, purse, shoes , hair , etc, and then when the women leaves, she turns to you or someone and says "omg that purse was the ugliest thing I ever saw" . Edited July 5, 2010 by Serenitynow
guy.lepage Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 She replied back, "Aww, this weekend's not good for me. How about Wednesday?" Her reply was odd since the class meets on Tuesday and Thursday. Is she really so busy that she can't spare 20 minutes on any day between Friday through Monday? What does it matter what she's doing before Wednesday? Dude, she accepted! My guess was that she is going out of town so I replied, "No worries. You going out of town for the holiday? I'm jealous." And I got no reply. You should've just accepted Wednesday and leave it at that. Your reply was pretty lame, especially if you guessed wrong on what she was doing. Instead, you sounded like some guy who wanted to find out what she was doing between now and Wednesday, which rightfully freaked her out. Plus she updated her Facebook status last night that she heard fireworks from her house. So she's not out of town. Then why is she too busy? I'd suggest you stop doing stuff like this and take it easy.
skydiveaddict Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 the worst is when they lead you on for a long time, knowing full well you are interested in them romantically, then pull out the "i want to be friends" bs Say what you want , but guys don't do that. word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PhillyDude Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 The worst is when they lead you on for a long time, knowing full well you are interested in them romantically, then pull out the "I want to be friends" BS Say what you want , but guys don't do that. You should have responded with this statenment-"I can only be friends with females who like sucking D.." LOL
Brightmoon Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 What does it matter what she's doing before Wednesday? Dude, she accepted! You should've just accepted Wednesday and leave it at that. Your reply was pretty lame, especially if you guessed wrong on what she was doing. Instead, you sounded like some guy who wanted to find out what she was doing between now and Wednesday, which rightfully freaked her out. I'd suggest you stop doing stuff like this and take it easy. Yup. Why did you have to go and analyse it to death!? She suggested Wednesday and Wednesday it should have been. Your replying was annoying and confusing.
USMCHokie Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 As another poster has pointed out, your topic question is rather irrelevant for the current girl...she has never said or even inferred that she wasn't interested...also, stop doing this crap over email...call her on the phone...if you don't have her number, get it...and stop with the Facebook nonsense...you shouldn't even be FB friends with her yet... As for that girl from before that you posted about, she was just a nutjob...forget about her...
USMCHokie Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Your replying was annoying and confusing. This needed to be repeated...with emphasis...
White Dove Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 As another poster has pointed out, your topic question is rather irrelevant for the current girl...she has never said or even inferred that she wasn't interested...also, stop doing this crap over email...call her on the phone...if you don't have her number, get it...and stop with the Facebook nonsense...you shouldn't even be FB friends with her yet... As for that girl from before that you posted about, she was just a nutjob...forget about her... Your replying was annoying and confusing. This needed to be repeated...with emphasis... These needed to be repeated.
Pfiend101 Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 The last 3 girls I've dated ended up lying right to my face. Im beginning to see its a common occurrence. Based on what Ive experienced. They wanted whatever was easiest for them.
harmfulsweetz Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 She didn't/hasn't blown you off. Maybe she's busy on those other days, maybe she'd prefer to do it Wednesday, who knows, but she accepted and that infers interest. So in answer to your original question, she won't say she's not interested because she is. I struggle with saying no, I'm not interested, although I do do it. I hate it though. Because I feel like a bitch doing it, though I know there is nothing wrong with saying what I feel, etc. No one likes hurting people/rejecting people. Currently, there's this one guy that won't get the hint, and I have told him many times over the course of four months that I am not, and will never be interested in him, like that, but he keeps coming back. Can you not tell someone enough times that you aren't interested? Why do some guys/girls do this? Put themselves through it time and again, in the hopes of that person changing their mind when they clearly won't?
gypsy_nicky Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 you should have said yes to Wed. and to answer your question: because it makes them feel guilt. Not a very nice thing to feel. because it reveals our shallowness by being selective with the persons we choose to date.
Shakz Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 If this trivial crap bothers you now, I shudder to think what a basket case you'll be by thirty. Don't ask women out by text, be grateful they accept, and don't sweat it if they want to alter the plan. They're women, and you will never know why they do and say what they do. Just roll with it.
BubbleFreak Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Then I have a different example where a girl that I hung with a couple of times, agreed to go on an actual date with me. But she did some last minute plan changes and brought a guy friend on our date Umm.. that's just rude. If guys ask me out I tell them "Sorry I already have a boyfriend". One time I flashed my ring (it's a first anniversary ring that could pass off as an engagement ring). But I remember this one guy was so persistent and pointed out it was on the wrong finger, and asked me out again. Goes to show that even if a girl is upfront about not wanting to go out with a guy, he doesn't always get the message.
sweetjasmine Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Is she really so busy that she can't spare 20 minutes on any day between Friday through Monday? Uh, maybe she is? People do have lives, you know, and they make plans with family and friends all the time. Is it really not enough for you that she said yes and suggested a day? Or do you think she should've cleared her weekend schedule just for you? What if she just wanted to hang out at home and relax by herself for the weekend? Should she not be allowed to do that? Is the only acceptable excuse for not meeting you ASAP "actually, I'm going out of town"? Not everyone sits around waiting to jump at the first chance they might have at going on a date, pushing everything else aside when it happens. It's absolutely none of your business what she was doing that weekend, and your comment probably came off as fishing for information on here whereabouts, which some people will take as creepy. Why are you getting mad at this girl for having her own life? She said yes. If she cancels and stalls, then you can get irritated that she didn't just tell you she's not interested.
Author somedude81 Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 Because most women in our society are raised and taught indirectly that lying to save face or make difficult situations easier is OK to do. Females are taught from day one to "be nice" and cordial with people and to always "sugar coat". If a female asks another female how they look most females will lie and cover it up with some form of positive compliment. Hmm, I guess the lying and being nice part is to avoid any possible conflict. What does it matter what she's doing before Wednesday? Dude, she accepted! You should've just accepted Wednesday and leave it at that. Your reply was pretty lame, especially if you guessed wrong on what she was doing. Instead, you sounded like some guy who wanted to find out what she was doing between now and Wednesday, which rightfully freaked her out. I didn't see her suggesting Wednesday at all as her accepting. To me it feels like she said no, but is picking a random day and saying we do that, as some form of appeasement. Hoping that I'm going to forget that I asked. My reply was definitely trying to figure out what she was doing on the weekend. If she wasn't going out of town, she only had one reason to not see me and her being busy wasn't it. The worst is when they lead you on for a long time, knowing full well you are interested in them romantically, then pull out the "I want to be friends" BS Say what you want , but guys don't do that. I really hate that. That's why I don't even bother tying to be friends with girls. I try to ask them out within a month of meeting them. If she rejects me, I'll stop talking to her. Yup. Why did you have to go and analyse it to death!? She suggested Wednesday and Wednesday it should have been. Your replying was annoying and confusing. I have crazy history with women and a lot of anger at them. Frankly I don't trust girls and automatically think the worst. I read her reply as a BS way of rejecting me. I do see now that my message back to her was stupid. As another poster has pointed out, your topic question is rather irrelevant for the current girl...she has never said or even inferred that she wasn't interested...also, stop doing this crap over email...call her on the phone...if you don't have her number, get it...and stop with the Facebook nonsense...you shouldn't even be FB friends with her yet... As for that girl from before that you posted about, she was just a nutjob...forget about her... I really, really wanted to ask her in person or over the phone. But I just wasn't able to talk to her last week. She missed one day of class. The next day somethings happened and it wasn't possible to speak to her. I didn't want to wait till the next class to ask her out. The only reason that I have her on Facebook is because she found and friended me. She sent me a FB message asking me to send her some class notes and she gave me her email address.
sweetjasmine Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 If she wasn't going out of town, she only had one reason to not see me and her being busy wasn't it. So to answer my question, the only acceptable excuse is "I went out of town." Otherwise, she should be willing to change her schedule just for you. Do you see what might be off about that? I really hate that. That's why I don't even bother tying to be friends with girls. Okay, and how does that help you at all? If you only ever treat women as potential partners and have the attitude that they're not worth even talking to if they're not willing to jump in your bed, people pick up on it. I have crazy history with women and a lot of anger at them. Frankly I don't trust girls and automatically think the worst. Look, you need to work on your anger, distrust, bitterness, and negative attitude, or you're not going to be able to meet someone and have a healthy relationship. What if this girl really did want to have coffee with you but could only make it on Wednesday? And what if your comment fishing for information scared her off? If that's the case, you basically just shot yourself in the foot by being suspicious, bitter, and angry.
ecto-1 Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 (edited) Okay, and how does that help you at all? If you only ever treat women as potential partners and have the attitude that they're not worth even talking to if they're not willing to jump in your bed, people pick up on it. Notice how she threw the assumption of the extreme end here of "Jumping into bed"....you make the assumption that guy wants a ONE night stand, and not an actual girlfriend..... So...just thought I'd clarify with you the difference..that's all. I had a male friend that actually is cool with being friends with women in general, or didn't really mind being friendzoned by women....there was one female friend in particular that was really a great "friend" to him...and all of a sudden cut off communication entirely....probably had to do something with her new boyfriend in the picture (he might've said something OR maybe it was her decision to cut him off) But it was a really crappy way to treat the guy...thus the reason some men won't be friends with women.....reason...because they've TRIED to, only to have it blow up in their face anyhow.....some men will cut the girl off if they're friendzoned (which might be good for him. which works for some). But if a guy is okay with the friendzone, and continues to be friends with her, she'll dump him as a friend eventually.....typically happens when they get serious with another man. I had a woman ask me to stop calling her at he house, becuase her b/f moved in...lol...and to just email her....I was like "oh okay" but even that fizzled. Edited July 5, 2010 by ecto-1
Author somedude81 Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 She didn't/hasn't blown you off. Maybe she's busy on those other days, maybe she'd prefer to do it Wednesday, who knows, but she accepted and that infers interest. So in answer to your original question, she won't say she's not interested because she is. Then I completely guessed wrong. I struggle with saying no, I'm not interested, although I do do it. I hate it though. Because I feel like a bitch doing it, though I know there is nothing wrong with saying what I feel, etc. No one likes hurting people/rejecting people. Even though if it makes you feel like a bitch, you ar doing the right thing by not leading him on. I wish girls were more honest. Currently, there's this one guy that won't get the hint, and I have told him many times over the course of four months that I am not, and will never be interested in him, like that, but he keeps coming back. Can you not tell someone enough times that you aren't interested? Why do some guys/girls do this? Put themselves through it time and again, in the hopes of that person changing their mind when they clearly won't? That guy is just rude. If this trivial crap bothers you now, I shudder to think what a basket case you'll be by thirty. Don't ask women out by text, be grateful they accept, and don't sweat it if they want to alter the plan. They're women, and you will never know why they do and say what they do. Just roll with it. Heh, I'm 29 in two months and I am a basket case I really don't like asking women out by text. Yeah, it's something I need to live with. So to answer my question, the only acceptable excuse is "I went out of town." Otherwise, she should be willing to change her schedule just for you. Do you see what might be off about that? It really seemed like she was just blowing me off. It was hard to think of a reason why she wouldn't even have 20 minutes to spare. I just assumed the worst, and I had no reason to believe that she was interested. Okay, and how does that help you at all? If you only ever treat women as potential partners and have the attitude that they're not worth even talking to if they're not willing to jump in your bed, people pick up on it. I think you're misunderstanding. I have a history of becoming really good friends with girls, then I end up falling for them. At that point a rejection is pretty much guaranteed and I get really hurt. By not letting it get to the close friendship stage, I go through a lot less heartache. I am very friendly with girls and I talk to everybody. Of course I spend more time and energy on girls that I'm attracted to. Look, you need to work on your anger, distrust, bitterness, and negative attitude, or you're not going to be able to meet someone and have a healthy relationship. What if this girl really did want to have coffee with you but could only make it on Wednesday? And what if your comment fishing for information scared her off? If that's the case, you basically just shot yourself in the foot by being suspicious, bitter, and angry. You're right, I really need to work on those things. I've just been having negative experience after negative experience. Those are affecting how I deal with women. Yeah, my fishing comment may have scared her off. Though when I made it, I already assumed that she was a lost cause anyways. I need to be careful of what I say in the future and how a reasonable person wold react. I'm going to see her tomorrow and just pretend my email was never sent and just see how things go. If I blew my chance with her, it's no big deal.
counterman Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I think they won't say it because it makes them feel guilty, especially if the guy has done nothing wrong and has only shown interest. I have had some similar situations happen to myself where the girls never actually say they're not interested but are clearly not that interested. They would suggest still meeting up, so I think they are keeping me on the side and will be looking for someone better. Of course I don't meet up with them. These things happen and usually when you're upfront about what you want i.e. date, then you find out sooner rather than later whether they're actually interested or not. I understand you have been through negative experiences but don't let these determine how your future experiences go because, as you said, you had already assumed that this was a lost case, when it should have never been one in the first place. I think you may have looked into your current situation to much. Just let it be and not focus on whether she's interested or not. Keep going at it and there will definitely be girls who are interested and who will agree to a definitely date to go out with you without flaking. As for your current situation, I like the idea of pretending you didn't set the email. Just be normal with her and bring up the place and time of the date that you're going with her. If she makes an excuse, you have your answer. But, don't show any reaction to it. Just be normal, smile and go okay and talk about something else. I have been close friends with girls before and these were purely platonic relationships. But, I have noticed that they never last long... and then I realise maybe they had feelings for me which I didn't share. So, I tend to not be that close to any of my girl friends nowadays.
reservoirdog1 Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I didn't see her suggesting Wednesday at all as her accepting. To me it feels like she said no, but is picking a random day and saying we do that, as some form of appeasement. Hoping that I'm going to forget that I asked. You can feel how you feel about that, but in my book, that's an indication of interest. If she wasn't interested in getting together with you, it would've been VERY easy for her to have declined and then said nothing, or something cute. But she actually made a point of suggesting an alternative. Dude, women DON'T do that if they're trying to let you down easy -- they will make it known, sometimes subtly and sometimes overtly, that they don't want to see you. This girl, however, is finding a space in her schedule to see you. It's being handed to you on a plate... don't blow it by overanalyzing things. Whether or not she sees you as a space filler is totally up to you and how you conduct yourself when you see her.
Bangle Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Some women are spineless and do not warrant your time. You should be able to tell if a girl is interested in you, listen to what your stomach instinct tells you.
Chocolat Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 It really seemed like she was just blowing me off. It was hard to think of a reason why she wouldn't even have 20 minutes to spare. I just assumed the worst, and I had no reason to believe that she was interested. Where did you come up with 20 minutes? If a guy I liked asked me for coffee, I'd assume we might enjoy each other's company for an hour or so, maybe longer if coffee led to some other activity. I never counter with a date unless I am interested.
dispatch3d Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Uh, maybe she is? People do have lives, you know, and they make plans with family and friends all the time. Is it really not enough for you that she said yes and suggested a day? Or do you think she should've cleared her weekend schedule just for you? What if she just wanted to hang out at home and relax by herself for the weekend? Should she not be allowed to do that? Is the only acceptable excuse for not meeting you ASAP "actually, I'm going out of town"? Not everyone sits around waiting to jump at the first chance they might have at going on a date, pushing everything else aside when it happens. It's absolutely none of your business what she was doing that weekend, and your comment probably came off as fishing for information on here whereabouts, which some people will take as creepy. Why are you getting mad at this girl for having her own life? She said yes. If she cancels and stalls, then you can get irritated that she didn't just tell you she's not interested. The first paragraph seems interesting to me that you view things like that. If you met the perfect guy for you, 100% perfect match in the entire world. Realize that the probablity of you meeting someone 90% perfect is slim to none..that's how rare this is. Then he asks you out one weekend you wouldn't clear your schedule just for that one date? Or you would even think its acceptable to sit around and "relax"? I mean, why not set a time for him that weekend even if he's 60% perfect? I just don't quite get the logical... it really is more emotional than anything though. She didn't feel like taking a chance like that this weekend - so she didn't...
Recommended Posts