RJ_01 Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I feel in pain, deeply frustrated, confused and angry with myself. I have never really been a relationship person. Now at 33, the last time I had any close relationship with a girl was around 11 years ago. I have only ever had 3 girlfriend's, which never lasted any longer than around 6 months. I have been ok with this though, living the single-man's life felt as though it was what I wanted and have been happy. To say I have massive confidence issues is an understatement. While I do consider myself to be sincere, funny, intelligent, affectionate, reliable and caring I also look down on myself as nerdy, balding, short, slightly over-weight and very average looking. Personally, my biggest hang-up is my height. Over the past 12 months I have developed feelings for two girls at work (both around my age). I plucked up the courage to ask one out, who originally said 'yes', but her ex-boyfriend was still living with her, so we'd have to wait (he was moving to another country with work). I asked her again soon after, and she said her situation hadn't changed, so I asked her to let me know when she was ready. I heard through the grapevine that her ex had gone, but she was now making it clear to other work colleagues that she's no longer interested in relationships for the forseeable future - she didn't let me in on any of this. I have had off-topic conversations with her since, and she has dropped 'I'm sick of men' out a few times, along with 'the last thing I'm interested in right now is relationships'. I felt I just had to write this opportunity off... More recently I decided to ask the other girl out. She said yes, but would let me know which night would be good for her the following morning. The morning came, and she said she had too much work to do on evenings, so we should wait. I was frank with her and explained that I interpreted this as 'I would rather work unpaid overtime than go out with you'. We didn't fall out over it or anything (we work very closely) but she eventually made it clear that she'd like to go out for a meal with me, but she could never see a relationship forming. She went on to say how she had a bad experience around 10 years ago (control-freak boyfriend I think) and this has put her off relationships for life. I explained that I thought it was a shame that one experience with one guy made her take this drastic decision etc, but she was adamant, adding that she's been alone for too long now to adjust to a relationship situation. So, what confidence I had managed to muster has been thrown back in my face. These girls are seemingly keen, but then just end up delivering the same old excuse. My paranoia just thinks they don't really find me attractive or good enough for them, but don't want to tell me straight. Something deep inside me knows that if the right tall, handsome stereoypical 'hunk' asked them out, they'd be all over them like a rash! I feel so embarrassed, so pitiful and such a failure. I hate how unfair life can be. I feel I am being ridiculed by these girls who have had to make excuses to avoid going out with me. I feel hurt, disappointed and embarrassed; but most of all these recent experiences have seemed to release some other much stronger feelings. I am suddenly now overwhelmed with sexual desire for this last girl. I really don't understand where it has come from. I have known her now for three years and prior to the last 12 months, never considered her anything other than a colleague - not even my 'type'. I am craving intimacy, romance and companionship with her on a leve that I simply can not explain. My mind is creating strange unhealthy, some even criminal, thoughts, to satisfy these urges, these absolute needs. I am losing control over it, and I am worried for myself or anyone who might get hurt. I know how I sound like such a loser, and a whiner; hence my embarrassment! But I need to try and comprehend what I am feeling and why. I am in desperate need of an 'outlet' of some kind. Maybe I have a strange chemical inbalance? I don't know, but I do know I have to deal with it one way or another. I have considered resigning from work, as my feelings just seem to amplify when I am around her. I am afraid that I am going to say or do something terrible. I have even considered meeting up with an escort to satisfy my need for closeness, intimacy, but I am apprehensive that this could lead onto an addiction. It may not be a one-shot cure. I really would like some guidance or advice
spriggig Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 nerdy, balding, short, slightly over-weight and very average looking. Change your clothes, get lasik if you wear glasses. Can't change your height, BUT what most women mean when they say they want someone tall is that they want someone taller than them. There are tons of shorter women who would probably look up to you. Overweight? Hate cardio? Go talk to Grok: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/ And, hey, you know what? Most men are average looking, so are most women. It's a "does what it say on the tin" sort of thing. Love is blind, you'll see that when you fall in love. In other words, work on yourself and the confidence will come. And don't go stalking women and doing "terrible things"--you'll end up in prison.
Author RJ_01 Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 Hi spriggig, sincerely grateful for your input. In other words, work on yourself and the confidence will come. And don't go stalking women and doing "terrible things"--you'll end up in prison. But this is my point, and source of concern. I feel that I have less and less control over my emotions/urges/needs the more this 'thing' festers. I literally find I have to leave the office and try to clear my mind before I explode!
spriggig Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Hi spriggig, sincerely grateful for your input. But this is my point, and source of concern. I feel that I have less and less control over my emotions/urges/needs the more this 'thing' festers. I literally find I have to leave the office and try to clear my mind before I explode! It comes from (likely) years of telling yourself you're short, bald, fat and ugly. You see that, don't you? You probably have a dialog going on in your head all the time, your mind likes to follow the same pathways it has before--literally the synapses and neurons are larger and better connected for these thoughts--that's a habit. You can short circuit the pathways by mentally yelling at yourself "STOP!" when you notice your mind running down the same rabbit holes it has followed so many times before. When you're down on yourself you'll find regret in the past and worry in the future. Meditation can help as it will draw and hold you in the present. Vigorous exercise can help because movement releases endorphins and also forces you to focus more on the present. I'll recommend again that you visit and read Mark's Daily Apple, your diet and exercise routine have a huge impact on your mental well being. For instance, too much sugar can cause depression. If you're serious about the "terrible things", you need to get direct professional help now.
Author RJ_01 Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 Hello again spriggig, thank you once more for sharing your advice and being patient. I have indeed already started to take a look at Mark's Daily Apple, and am thinking deeply over your helpful words. You are a saint.
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