shadowplay Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 (edited) I see a lot of threads in the coping section where the OP declares that they're finally cured because they've met someone new. While I'm relieved for them, it sometimes makes me wonder if it's possible to completely get over somebody, heal and feel 100% content without meeting another person. Is there always an open boyfriend/girlfriend slot that needs to be filled? I'd like to believe that it is possible, because I think it would be depressing if you always needed somebody in your life to be happy or to get over the last failed relationship. I'd like to know I can be totally happy without another person. After all, you can't rely on other people, or on something as unpredictable as finding love. Please share your experiences! And Happy July 4th!! Edited July 4, 2010 by shadowplay
EricaH329 Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I used to believe that you can't fully move on without finding another person to fill that spot. But, I have proved that to be wrong (for myself). What I did, was just basically focus on myself. Re-evaluate the relationship. What I did wrong, what I could have done better. And I began working towards fixing that for myself. What tends to happen when you get out of a relationship, is you struggle to find your own independent self. Your life was intertwined with another, and now that you are no longer with them, you need to basically re-learn how to function on your own. Not needing them for anything (whether it's emotional, etc.). You have to learn to love yourself, more than you can love another. That's the toughest part. Re-discovering your importance, self-love, and self-respect. Once you've figured out how to do that (in my case, it was focusing solely on myself), you'll be completely happy with being alone. My ex and I broke up about 5 months ago (wow, can't believe it's been that long!), and I can honestly say that i've never been happier in my life. I don't need anyone else (romantically) right now. I have dated a couple of guys since then, but nothing came of it. I'm going to wait for the one person that can make me happier being with them, than being alone. And that's going to take a lot. Edit: Happy July 4th to you, also!
lullaby Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I used to believe that you can't fully move on without finding another person to fill that spot. But, I have proved that to be wrong (for myself). What I did, was just basically focus on myself. Re-evaluate the relationship. What I did wrong, what I could have done better. And I began working towards fixing that for myself. What tends to happen when you get out of a relationship, is you struggle to find your own independent self. Your life was intertwined with another, and now that you are no longer with them, you need to basically re-learn how to function on your own. Not needing them for anything (whether it's emotional, etc.). You have to learn to love yourself, more than you can love another. That's the toughest part. Re-discovering your importance, self-love, and self-respect. Once you've figured out how to do that (in my case, it was focusing solely on myself), you'll be completely happy with being alone. My ex and I broke up about 5 months ago (wow, can't believe it's been that long!), and I can honestly say that i've never been happier in my life. I don't need anyone else (romantically) right now. I have dated a couple of guys since then, but nothing came of it. I'm going to wait for the one person that can make me happier being with them, than being alone. And that's going to take a lot. Edit: Happy July 4th to you, also! Yeah. I totally agree on that one. You have to find yourself again, and it's even harder when you go from living with your partner to living alone. That happened to me, and it's tough to be at ease with myself again, without having someone around to cook for, to play, to watch a movie or even cuddle at bed. I don't think it's 100% necessary to fill the gap of your ex with someone else right away. One the one hand, because after a break up, I don't think the dumpee is ready to trust and fully fall in love again, so there comes the tricky part of using and hurting someone else that may come along. On the other, the dumpee is still too emotional and needs to get over the break up on his own, working on oneself. But I found out that at least flirting with someone can help. It boosts your confidence and makes you realize there are other fishes in the sea and that you can move on. That's what's happening to me right now. I got a new job and I'm meeting new people and there's a guy in particular who's flirting with me and it's fine. I don't want a relationship and I still don't know what's going to happen with my ex because he keeps making contact and still rocks my world every time he does, but I do find it helpful to have someone else at least complimenting me and distracting me. So for me it's 50/50. It helps but it's not 100% essential to move on. That person you loved will be there for a while even if you date someone else or not, it's a process of the heart and nothing else.
spriggig Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Try this: lock your dog and your spouse in a trunk. Open the trunk an hour later. Which one is glad to see you? Get a dog.
teanoranges Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I have to say that it IS possibly to get over your ex without finding someone new... but I'll also say that you have to discover that just because you have something other than 'indifference' doesn't mean you aren't over them! I dislike my ex for things he lied about after the breakup, for rumors he spread, etc.. I don't have to feel indifferent! I can very well dislike him! I don't have to think about him or the disliking, but I'm still allowed to feel that way if the thoughts come up! sorry for the exclamation marks... haha. I definitely know that if my ex came back, I would turn him away. In fact, I'm sure I'd be disgusted in him because the rose-colored glasses are off. I did not find anyone new that caused these feelings, but having these feelings end has opened my eyes to the attractive people around me, so I'm starting to really crush on others and flirt with them... who knows? But anywho... I seriously believe it is possible to get over your ex without finding someone new. Like Erica and lullaby said, it is about focusing on yourself.
mickleb Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I think it's impossible to truly love someone else, until you can love yourself. Cheesey as that may smell, it means you can never expect someone else to 'complete' you. They are only the icing. You need to like the taste of your own cake.. x
LoveTruthChaos Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 They are only the icing. You need to like the taste of your own cake.. I do. Especially when kissed off someone else's lips. That's hot. .....oh. I think I said the quiet part loud.... Anyway, to answer your question Shadow - yes, you can get over someone without another distraction. I have done it. Although, I think the real reason that distractions work is not because they're 'someone else', but because they make you feel that you're worthy and loveable again.
Star Gazer Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I think it's impossible to truly love someone else, until you can love yourself. Cheesey as that may smell, it means you can never expect someone else to 'complete' you. They are only the icing. You need to like the taste of your own cake.. x Agreed, 1000000%!
pureinheart Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I think many factors are involved such as: The time period in our lives. If kids are involved. Our job can play an important role. Where we are at spiritually. Where we are at mentally. Everyone is different, personally I don't think it's right or wrong eith way. Some people are unable to be alone and that's ok, while others are very content with it. I like being in committed relationships, I operate and feel best...
GrayClouds Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Try this: lock your dog and your spouse in a trunk. Open the trunk an hour later. Which one is glad to see you? Get a dog. Maybe because it was 95 degrees today...but that may be one of the creepiest post I have yet to read on LS, including in the Sexual & Reproductive Health and Practices forum. Further more I am willing to go out on a limb on this one and I highly recommend picking neither pets nor girlfriends with this strategy.
Aim2Plze Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 EricaH329 - Working on "me" is exactly what I've decided to do. Like I told my ex toward the end when I was fed up with the BS, "I love you, but I love me more!"
EricaH329 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 "I love you, but I love me more!" Exactly!!! And this is the exact thing that everyone should strive to accomplish.
skydiveaddict Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Exactly!!! And this is the exact thing that everyone should strive to accomplish. I dont know Erica, I just cant seem to let her go
BiAxident Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I'm going to rain on the parade and state that, for me personally, I never achieved a state where I was 100% over my XGF. We were friends for 15 years, dated for 2+, and lived together for 7 months when we broke up. After a couple of days, my body finally stopped shaking from the shock. After a few weeks, I was able to return to normal eating habits. After several months, I resumed my old sleeping pattern. After a year, it still hurt, but I didn't think about her all the time. And after two years, we started hanging out again, and I'm right back at square one; not really sleeping, eating, exercising, etc, and I have sex and snuggling in place of NC. It's a very weird situation.
GrayClouds Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Grieving is about getting over that a person in no longer in your life. Some one new can help with that. Healing is see that the break-up in part is a symptom of instability in your life, and coming to terms in addressing that instability. Finding someone new can cover up that instability again but it does not cure it. It is through hard work, courage and personal commitment to growth. It is find out how you can be healthy and content in your own, how someone can come and compliment a great life not give you one, and in the end you can take care of yourself. Healing is the hard thing to do, most people would rather not do the work.
Calendula Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I think that sometimes it helps to have a close friend to lean on, to talk to, who can help you work through the pain and the loss that comes with ending a relationship, even if you know you ended it for good reasons, not bad ones. This person has to be someone who you can trust completely, but with whom you could never see yourself in a romantic relationship for the long term. Even with such close friends, however, I feel that the real key to being happy is finding happiness within yourself, creating the life YOU want for YOU, without feeling like you need someone else to be a part of it to make you happy. To paraphrase what Erica said, "it is important to wait for the one person that can make you happier being with them than being alone. And it should take a lot." I believe that the best possible relationships are built between two people who are complete within themselves but who choose to share their lives with each other. To build this sort of relationship, however, I think you have to first reach a point in life where you are ok with being alone, where you find your own balance and happiness. Then, when that perfect person comes along, they can complement your personal balance, and vice versa. They support you in the areas where you are weak, are there for you when times are hard, and you can do the same for them. Thing is, in order to be this person for the one you love, you first have to find your own strength and personal happiness without them, so that when they come along you have something to share that is truly a part of you. In short, I do believe it is possible "to completely get over somebody, heal and feel 100% content without meeting another person." In fact, I think it is essential for long term happiness and a future stable relationship for a person to figure out what they truly want out of life, to find themselves, before they again completely open the door to their heart. This process may involve other people, and other relationships, but those people don't have to be the 'boyfriend/girlfriend,' and the relationships don't have to be romantic ones.
Recommended Posts