-feeling so much pain

[Rachel1978]

I am very depressed, I broke up with the man I was going to marry 8 months ago and it is as painful now as ever. We were together 2 years and every part of my day involved him because I love him so much. I thought with time it would get easier but it gets more painful every day. He has moved on and he is not going to come back here but I cant accept this. I know I need to accept this in order to feel better but I cant

I feel sick every waking moment with the pain in me and have slipped into a deep depression and it takes over all my thoughts.

I need advice on how to accept it is over, this is the only way that I can move forward.

I have lost all confidence and have lost friends because of this break up depression. This means that I am always alone so surrounding myself with friends is not an option, this is another big problem in my life so please do not suggest doing this, it is another very sensitive subject and the thought of how many friends i have lost is the knife twisting full circle

I am also too scared to leave the house because of my anxiety brought on by all this so any "keeping busy/active" advice needs to be focused on around my flat.

How do I cope? Please help?

[worlybear]

:bunny:Hi Rachel1978. You are not alone- lots of us on here understand how you feel. I totally understand how you don't want friends around you- you're hurting too much.

It WILL get better. Meanwhile on a practical level you need to access some medical help- ring/see your doctor and arrange for counselling.

Even on Sundays there are 24 hr help-lines. Ring one. It really helps to talk to someone sympathetic and anonymous.

Also make sure that you are eating and sleeping properly(God.Sorry I sound like my mother!)

It's very normal to feel like this and eventually you WILL feel better- but it takes time. Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up. Most importantly do something positive(however small) every day. It will help.

Ring a help-line. Now. Please post back and let LS know how you get on.:bunny::bunny:Hugs.

[wendigo]

I hope I can help by saying that I have absolutely been here and I still am in a lot of respects and will be totally honest with you about how I feel.

I feel like I burned out all my support early on in my seperation, I was even making my mum and sister ill. People, esp my family, just don't want to talk to me about it anymore and have just got totally fed up of me. I feel like I am not even allowed to talk about it to my family, I hear their tone of voice change and their face glaze over if I bring it up, they change the subject...I end up peed off and more hurt thinking they dont care. People are bored of hearing it and I am bored of feeling it and there is no one I can talk to and with the friends I have got that are kind of new I don't want to introduce myself as this extremely emotional wreck.

So all my feelings are inside. Cried out. Written down. Bottled up. Or on here. Which has helped sometimes and hindered other times. Just reading on here I find healing. But the fact is - is that crying, writing especially (normally figuring out reasons why it never would have worked with my ex and why it wasn't right), using the 'post here instead of contacting your ex' and supporting other people on here helps, and passes the time. Also, I get on with housey things which distract me ... even tho, I can't bear the fact I am thinking of him every few minutes. But I am getting on with things to a degree and I imagine you are too, organising food, a cup of coffee etc. I think surviving is the word!

I haven't been sucessful with counselling in the past years but I know it does help some people a lot. Have you tried it? It can really help get through bad patches.

Where I am now, I have totally given up on doctors, psychiatrists.... they can't help me, they have for a short period of time but really they can only do so much so my expectations from them is very little. I won't take meds for depression, I am too scared of them pushing me over the egde and I was only writing a suicide note two weeks ago and driving to the garage at my ex's to get drunk and to start the car and close the door. I didn't go through with it, I drove to my ex in work with a new set of 'relaisations' hoping to help make him understand this time... yeah right!

But I know what would help me more than anything else at all, that would motivate me and that is to change my circumstances around me into something I like and want. I don't mean relationships, I do want one, but this is my life without that part..or pain should I say!. I only want that (relationships) to come when I'm a bit stronger really, being 'rescued' now .. I'm not at my best, I'd like to be doing a little better for myself first and being able to offer more. When I say circumstances I mean where I live, who I live with, what job I want, what money I want to earn, what studying I want to do (I am currently studying, got massive debts but my studying, though a double edged sword of debt and stress with deadlines..ugh! depression and deadlines and failing relationships!) - the studying has helped keep me together more than anything even tough its soooo hard and I often feel too thick to do what I'm doing, but I am often complimented on my work.

I often tell myself I can't 'face' things just beacuse I am too upset. Now being really honest, sometimes it's true....sometimes it's easier to stay sad and cry,I'm on the verge of suicide I can't do x!!! But sometimes something will come along that I absolutely have to do! like.. answer the phone... um, a deadline of some sort, or tidy up because someone is coming round.. small distractions lead me away from the hell of myself without me even noticing. so I am capable... just not always willing or motivated. I'm not motivated because I haven't got what I want in my heart and worse, miss it, and can't have it. So, I have thought to myself, circumstantially, (not emotionally) - what do I want? What else apart from that do I want and I have let myself want what is realistic and great with no negative chatter that is just flies buzzing around my head.. buzz off I'm busy planning!

I think the important thing be aware of is that you do not feel like this 100% of the time. I mean. Look at what I have written. I am not there in that terrible place at this moment right now. I proabably will be back there though. But that is how it is. I DO have a choice whether to do something about it all. It's so fn hard to build my life from scratch, I feel knock backs so hard. But there is good things that happen every now and then, and looking at my life before all this **** started - it will come round again. When I say that counsellors and doctors can only do so much, the most frightening thing is that it's down to me. I don't feel capable. But in the moments I do.. I'll just try and be as productive as possible to get to what I want circumstantially, becuase that is how I can support myself.

So maybe thinking about what you want might help ..and I mean go for it ... what do you really want apart from him... what would make you happy. Maybe that could be a way forward, changing your circumstances.

I have also found that buddhist teacher Pema Chodron has been a big help to me over the past 2 years. Her audio books are on amazon and I think there is one on spotify too.

　

Really big hugs to you. xx

Edited July 4, 2010 by wendigo

[Rachel1978]

I just want to say thanks to you both for your lovely replies! I know the thanks are a bit late but I sank even deeper into a depression and couldn't face even looking at the pc!

It has now been over a year and the pain still is here!

 

Every minute of the day I still have this dull painful ache in my stomach, is this really gonna be with me forever?

 

I show signs of ocd, is this why I cant stop thinking of him? All of the time I am thinking of him, not a moment will go past without him there at the back of my mind! If only I could change my thought patterns this would probably help but how do I achieve that?

 

There has been absolutly no contact for all this time and he has moved on, a mutual friend informed me of this, oh god how do I cope with the thoughts of him happily with someone else? Images of what we were supposed to be doing together, all these things stolen away!

 

I truly thought he was the one and we were soul mates, we were to marry and now I feel such a fool!

 

I dont have anyone I can speak to about this, all this pain is kept inside me but I am screaming inside, I basically just desperately need this pain to go!