Ruby Slippers Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I have always had to fight anti-social tendencies, and lately I have mostly stopped fighting. I went to a friend's show tonight and an after party, and I felt so blah, uninterested, uninteresting. I know you have to go through a lot of rock to get to the gems. But it's so tedious and tiring. How do you force yourself to get out there and deal with people and actually have fun? Cuz I am sucking at it lately.
USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 A skilled wingperson can actually be invaluable for someone in your situation. One who can ease the transition into social situations, introduce you to people, and increase your comfort level interacting with others. I was in the same boat as you earlier in my life, where I'd be comfortable just playing wallflower all night or not even going out at all. But I decided I'd had enough of that and needed some shock therapy to get social fear out of my system. I actually went on a cruise alone with the approach that I'd meet and talk to everyone and anyone. In that situation, I basically dumped myself in an unknown environment where I didn't know anyone and couldn't rely on any crutches to get through the week. The experience shot my social comfort level through the roof and it has certainly helped me when I got back home. Not saying you need to do something so drastic, but you might want to tell yourself that you want to be a "new you" and just do it.
TouchedByViolet Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I can totally relate. If your natural state and personality are not conducive to socializing and looking for connections it can be difficult to engage yourself. I just go with the lulls and try not to stress over them too much. However, I do have a simple piece of advice that helps. Stay active in things you enjoy. Activities or sports for example. This way it won't feel like work or tedious. You will just be doing your own thing, enjoying yourself and you will look interesting and attracting toward potential prospects. Find situations that make you feel in your element and the guys will come to you.
Morals Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I can totally relate. If your natural state and personality are not conducive to socializing and looking for connections it can be difficult to engage yourself. I just go with the lulls and try not to stress over them too much. However, I do have a simple piece of advice that helps. Stay active in things you enjoy. Activities or sports for example. This way it won't feel like work or tedious. You will just be doing your own thing, enjoying yourself and you will look interesting and attracting toward potential prospects. Find situations that make you feel in your element and the guys will come to you. Yea, but she's stating that she went to an afterparty and was completely uninterested in socializing. Ruby, although it makes sense now, I never pegged you for the anti-bar crowd. After-parties are the same types of people for hte most part. It's just not an environment condusive to intelligent conversation. Also, most people don't mind conversing with people in small group situations, but in large crowds, such as parties or bars, people become "directionless". The idea in large parties or crowds is to "meet" new people. And yet, the people in these situations are often unapproachable. Often snubbing you when you attempt to make contact. After-parties are slightly more leniant, but the idea there is to mingle with people after an event. To me, going to parties you don't know a good portion of the people there, and don't have someone with you, often is a very intensive emotional experience. I would just avoid these events in the future Ruby! Do thinks you WANT to do, don't go because you feel like you have an obligation to society to "socialize".
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Not saying you need to do something so drastic, but you might want to tell yourself that you want to be a "new you" and just do it. Yeah, I actually had a similar experience when I lived in a foreign country for 2 1/2 years. I became fluent in the language, which was very unusual for Americans, so people were interested in me and I easily attracted a wide social circle. I was also living some of my creative aspirations, so I felt happy and on most of the time. I actually had to decline social invitations sometimes so I'd have time to work on my creative projects, and I always had plenty of social things going on. However, I do have a simple piece of advice that helps. Stay active in things you enjoy. Activities or sports for example. This way it won't feel like work or tedious. You will just be doing your own thing, enjoying yourself and you will look interesting and attracting toward potential prospects. Find situations that make you feel in your element and the guys will come to you. That is good advice. And it's true. I'm a musician, and when I am active with music, I make a lot of cool musician friends and meet lots of cuuute musician guys. I am just not feeling like putting myself in the spotlight like that these days. I run my own biz, and I work so hard and it can be so draining that I rarely feel I have energy for performing and things like that. But I am working hard on the biz so I have more money, time, and freedom to indulge in the things I really love. I am taking a painting class right now, but there's only one guy in the class, and I think he might be gay. The instructor is intriguing, but he mentions his girlfriend like every five minutes. haha Ruby, although it makes sense now, I never pegged you for the anti-bar crowd. After-parties are the same types of people for hte most part. It's just not an environment condusive to intelligent conversation. I am so not a bar person. I can do it, but I basically have to fake my way through it. The only part of it I enjoy is the dancing, and that's only when there's really good music (very rare). If the music is good, I can dance all night and have a blast by myself or with some friends. But the whole pickup scene and all that I find pretty gross. And yeah, this was the cast party for a play my friend was in, so most of the people there knew each other and were socializing in their circles. And there was a lot of that fame-hungry energy, which really turns me off. I realized later that the times when I have been most socially active were the times I felt like I had a lot of worthwhile things going on. And lately, my life is almost all work, by choice. I know I'm intentionally keeping myself away from men, for the most part, because I just don't want to get tangled up and hurt again. It will be up to me to change this. I just don't feel like it right now.
Morals Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I realized later that the times when I have been most socially active were the times I felt like I had a lot of worthwhile things going on. And lately, my life is almost all work, by choice. I know I'm intentionally keeping myself away from men, for the most part, because I just don't want to get tangled up and hurt again. It will be up to me to change this. I just don't feel like it right now. Maybe just focus on work then? I mean, if that's what is happening right now, then just focus on work. Make your business boom. Don't worry about the relationship and just let your work life take priority now. Because once you get in a relationship, your SO will want to be a priority. I guess, just give it time right now.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Because once you get in a relationship, your SO will want to be a priority. I have found that the kind of men I like are impressed when I am busy and thriving with my business, and they are usually eager to help out in whatever ways they can when I am overwhelmed and stressed, so I'm not worried about that. If anything, it's good for me to have a lot going on so I don't make the relationship my sole focus. I've found that it's always better to leave the guy wanting more time with you than the inverse. I am feeling a lot better today. My moods are like waves, and I am feeling an upsurge of energy and initiative now. The tide is rolling in.
SouthernSunshine Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 How do you force yourself to get out there and deal with people and actually have fun? Cuz I am sucking at it lately. I had anti social anxiety for several years. I slowly, but surely started coming out of my shell. Working put me out there to sink or swim basically, so that helped! Cracking the ice was the biggest breakthrough for me. I learned to just be funny. Cracking a joke or being silly really helps break the ice! It gets people to loosen up around you too, because when you're tense, other people can feel that... so they don't know how to approach you or communicate. I'm NO therapist.. This is just from my own experience. Good Luck!!
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 I've been thinking about it, and I think I'm actually pretty good at kicking myself in the butt to be sociable. I have been contracting for a new nonprofit for the past four months, and I'm often the one who initiates conversations with my colleagues, asks questions, makes jokes. It does not come naturally, but I make myself do it. I think part of my crummy mood lately is that July 4th was a pretty special holiday for my ex and me. Two years ago, we had quite an explosive 4th of July, taking this very fun mini-vacation, fulfilling my longest-standing sexual fantasy, both writing songs about the whole day, and just feeling on top of the world together. It was a turning point in the relationship. He admitted he'd struggled with fears about commitment before, but on that day, he said, "I am not afraid anymore," and just totally opened up. All the walls came down, and we were on fire the whole time. That didn't last, but man, the memories sure did. I was watching the fireworks the other night on the beach, and I almost started crying thinking about how I cannot disassociate the explosive joy of fireworks from him and the amazing times we had together. Being together set off fireworks all the time, and we both marveled often at the ridiculous good energy and connection we had. I'm still angry with him for letting that slip away. I vindictively hope he never finds it again, and then I feel guilty for being so petty. It takes me forever to get over real love. And I'm very scared of being hurt so badly again. But I am making progress every day.
Recommended Posts