straitoutthe80s Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Im completely bewildered as what to do on this.I met a lovely lady a few months ago and over the last few weeks we have become physically intimate.I have ended up developing very deep feelings for this person however when I told her this she says she just wants to remain friends.I then decided I'd have to break all contact with her which led to her becoming very emotional and crying. Gradually we agreed to keep things as they are besides the physical side - aside from the relationship stuff she has been a really good friend and I wasnt exactly over the moon about never seeing her again.Also without dramatically changing my social life I would still see her regularly anyway and would have to more or less ignore her which could just seem small-minded. However now in the cold light of day is this possible or does staying in contact like this dimish my self-respect and make me appear weak?Or similarly would breaking thing off completely make me seem immature (im no longer that young a man) and bitter? Anyone got any clues what to do?
Ronni_W Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Yes, it is possible to remain friends after a sexual relationship has been terminated. The 'new' friendship may or may not last a lifetime, but it can be maintained for years and years. Only you have authority over your self-respect. If, at any point, you feel a loss of respect for yourself, or start seeing yourself as having become "weak" (as defined by you)...then obviously make new decisions that will better promote and support your self-respect and feeling strong. How you feel about, and see, yourself (the internal stuff) ought to be the deciding factors. IMO. From an outsider's PoV: I personally have great respect and admiration for people who have the strength, courage, determination and mental-emotional mastery to cultivate a genuine friendship after a short-term sexual relationship or a long-term love relationship has ended. (Thinking particularly of divorced parents who can still create and maintain a helluva co-parenting partnership, but also in the case where the two individuals are part of a larger social circle, as appears to be your situation.) For what it's worth
sloudrou Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 It's possible but highly unlikely. You need to realise that she'll be dating other guys after she's broken up with you, and if you're calling her all the time, sooner or later one of these other guys is going to say "who is this guy who keeps calling you?", and eventually, she'll ask you not to contact her again. Yes, I realise there are exceptions to this rule, but that's how it usually happens. Your best bet is to forget about staying friends with her, and try to find the middle ground between appearing "weak" and trying to exact revenge on her. In other words, don't change your life because of her, don't actively try to avoid her, but don't seek contact either. If your social situation means you'll bump into her occasionally, just smile, be polite, and quickly excuse yourself from the conversation. That's all you have to do.
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