Competitiveness and jealousy..

[Eve]

How competitive are you? Does it help you within your life?

 

I have zero interest in competing against others and so I only compete against myself. I cant even measure myself against anyone else! Or could this be the ultimate form of competitiveness?

 

Overall, I have concluded that competitiveness and jealousy follow each other very closely. Since childhood, I have had barely any experiences of feeling jealous. Really, I can only remember feeling slightly jealous over my Hubby about once a few years ago. I hated the feeling!

 

How jealous are you? Is there a link?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Crusoe]

In my work and in my golf I am very competitive, in all other areas of life I am not competitive at all. I think what drives the competitiveness determines how healthy it is for you.

 

I know fellas who can't stop, it stems form jealousy, ego and fear. It can be crippling. They hate those who beat them, they blame things on luck and chance. You can smell the desperation on them and ultimately they eat themselves up.

 

Myself, I just love the challenge. I play hard, real hard, no mercy shown, no quarter given, but I dont mind if you beat me, I know how to lose and I know how to learn from that loss.

 

Also I wil only be competitive when all invovled know that it is "game on", trying to beat somone who isn't trying to beat you is pretty pathetic, yet many seem to get their kicks from that.

[Taramere]

Temperamentally I'm probably not all that geared to being competitive, as I'm inclined towards laziness...but I was always pushed to compete by my father as a child. I was competitive at University in terms of wanting to get top marks, but that was primarily related to wanting to make my parents proud. I wasn't like that at school...but when I was at school, I was more involved in competitive sports.

 

I enjoy competition in that it gives focus to an activity - but I'm not that fussed about winning or losing. For instance, if you and a friend are aimlessly knocking a ball back and forth across a tennis net, it can feel pointless pretty quickly....but if you make a game of it, it becomes a lot more fun. Also, if you think you're fairly equally matched with a friend in terms of natural ability then suddenly they're achieving far more highly than you are, it clues you into "maybe I'm not trying hard enough to reach my potential". It's really a case of measuring your own performance against other people's and then asking yourself "am I being a bit lazy at something I would really like to become good at? Could I be trying harder?"

 

I think most people who are involved in anything competitive will tend to combine it with co-operation....ie giving eachother tips on improving performance. Ideally the competitive aspect is about setting eachother challenges with the overall aim of helping eachother improve. If it starts getting unpleasant - with people sabotaging eachother along the lines of an article I recently read about women playing at Wimbledon, then that's not proper competition in my book.

 

If you win through cheating, sabotage or undermining your opponent then that's an indication that you don't really care about improving your performance or reaching your potential. I guess that happens in sport when money is at stake...but I can remember as a teen there were always a few people around who seemed so desperate to win that they would cheat and sabotage their way to getting trophies.

 

It's easier for men to be competitive with eachother, I think. Even in this day and age, competitiveness is a dirty word for a lot of women who associate it with being mean or aggressive - or employing the dirty tactics I mentioned above. I don't think that's what it's about at all. I think getting involved in competitive activities should be about identifying and reaching your own potential, and learning to win or lose gracefully.

 

Competitiveness is a natural aspect of being human - though some are probably not all that inclined towards it. If we regard it as something wrong or disgraceful, we won't lose the urge to compete....we just submerge it so that it comes out in more subtle ways. I think it's healthier to compete in an open and friendly manner. In that article about Wimbledon I read, I was saddened by one of the women player's comments that while men in the sport are often good friends, the women tend to all hate eachother.

Edited July 3, 2010 by Taramere

[threebyfate]

If you win through cheating, sabotage or undermining your opponent then that's an indication that you don't really care about improving your performance or reaching your potential.

This defines the difference between being competitive or jealous/envious.

 

Competitiveness: Constantly pushing yourself to reach your potential.

Jealousy/envy: Bringing down your perceived foe to your lower level and/or allowing your insecurities to overwhelm.

 

When it comes to work, I'm hella' competitive. I have to be one of the top dogs and push myself as hard as possible to get there.

 

When it comes to romantic relationships, I've been jealous in two situations where both were spot on. Should have listened to my gut instincts sooner, especially the low level warning system. Beyond that, don't get jealous of exes or opposite gender friends. When I finally trust a partner, I trust him implicitly, even pointing out attractive women for him to check out.

 

When it comes to friends, I'm sincerely glad when they do well. Some of my friends (both male and female) are killer gorgeous, others have higher IQs, some have higher EQs, some have phenomenally successful careers, some are natural athletes, some are excellent mothers/fathers and some are any combination of the above.

[Eve]

 

Competitiveness is a natural aspect of being human - though some are probably not all that inclined towards it. If we regard it as something wrong or disgraceful, we won't lose the urge to compete....we just submerge it so that it comes out in more subtle ways. I think it's healthier to compete in an open and friendly manner. In that article about Wimbledon I read, I was saddened by one of the women player's comments that while men in the sport are often good friends, the women tend to all hate eachother.

 

 

I would agree that being competitive is part and parcel of being human and I especially like the observation you have made of how even if not directly expressed, competitiveness can come out in more subtle ways. This is my observation on so many different levels that it is not even funny.

 

Now, I was a sporty child and did well in gymnastics. I am also an expert draughts player, playing since the age of 5. I am merciless when playing draughts and will slaughter even small children when engaged in a game. However, they tend to keep coming back in order to try and learn my moves. To me this is healthy, even though the banter can get a bit harsh. Overall, I admire those who look to excel at sports and various forms of game play where the rules are respected and both parties gain something... even though of course, I will tend to win.

 

Then theres the other side to competitive behaviour which I see. For example, when driving I see a weird form of competitiveness afoot where drivers put their very lives into the hands of the performance of their cars, with, in my eyes very little gain; I will usually naturally catch up with them at the next set of lights as is the natural flow of traffic. I question small things such as this and typically imagine the person racing home to an empty house. I mean, how can a person value their life and put it at risk just to beat someone to the next set of lights?

 

I often sense that the drivers in this scenario want me to be jealous of them via their vehicle. Of course I am not jealous. I just see their actions as pointless and therefore do not see any benefit in participating in such behaviours. No, I tend to think in terms of what can be achieved and thus have no need for jealousy. I am noticing that more and more people are competing against each via very covert means and I am wondering what this is about..

 

Within relationships, I see people who would probably be better off apart stay together and naming what they have 'love' but to those outside of the relationship, they quite are simply trying to 'out do' each other in one way or another.. usually to prove that they are the 'good' person and the partner is somehow a lesser person. Reckless jealously abounds in such situations and I do wonder if the next level to competitive behaviour is a need for some sort of ownership over another person. How can that be fun?

 

Then there are friends who try and mirror each other in unhealthy ways. When I look back over the friendships that I have ended, all of them have ended because the person in question tried to get me to compete with them in some way that I felt was unhealthy or unnecessary. But in thinking through these examples I find myself questioning whether I am probably more competitive than what I think because of my very observations!

 

I suppose the test would be for people who experience jealousy a lot to speak up. But I can only conclude from my observations that a persons very access to higher levels of their own development can hinge critically on their ability to compete in healthy ways with others. Hence most dysfunction can be traced to unhealthy forms of competitiveness and jealousy.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[anne1707]

I would say that I am very competitive. I want to do the best I can and improve myself. So it is really very much based on competing with myself most of the time however it is also incredibly important to me to perform at the highest level at work. I am also very competitive with my H - although he is the same with me and we enjoy this interaction as it is all very good humoured. We enjoy the banter.

 

However I am not a jealous person. I love it when I see others do well and I am also confident enough in myself not to feel threatened.

[threebyfate]

is a need for some sort of ownership over another person. How can that be fun?

This is interesting since H and I own each other. I am his and he is mine. We've both submitted ourselves to our marriage while retaining independence and autonomy with some compromise. While we don't need each other, we really love to be with each other. Since Bump's been born, for the first two weeks we spent almost 24x7 together. Instead of getting sick of each other, it's brought us closer together. Never been this close to anyone in my life and love every minute of it. But now that he's gone back to work, we spend less time with each other and that's fine too.

[Eve]

This is interesting since H and I own each other. I am his and he is mine. We've both submitted ourselves to our marriage while retaining independence and autonomy with some compromise. While we don't need each other, we really love to be with each other. Since Bump's been born, for the first two weeks we spent almost 24x7 together. Instead of getting sick of each other, it's brought us closer together. Never been this close to anyone in my life and love every minute of it. But now that he's gone back to work, we spend less time with each other and that's fine too.

 

Is that ownership? or the ultimate fruits of companionship? Submission can be a dirty word for many but some level of co-dependency is needed for a healthy relationship to develop its own boundaries. I tend to be suspicious of people who want to do things all on their own terms.

 

Yes, the time after having a baby is such a wonderful time TBF. You are in a beautiful, beautiful part of life that I really value and look forward to experiencing again - but from the role of being a Grandma.

 

In my minds eye, 'ownership' to me in such a situation would be evidenced in scenarios such as where the man will insist on having sex soon after the birth and trying to impregnate the woman to keep her in a state of being reliant on him.. but I could just be being negative about the word 'ownership' itself?

 

No, you both seem to be working together rather than competing as such.

 

There has to be some jealous people here to provide some perspective!

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[SadandConfusedWA]

I am pretty competative.

 

As for jealousy/envy, I only have it to some degree when I am not happy with my own life. If friends are falling in love and I am alone, I admit to feeling even worse about being alone. It somehow highlights my inadequacy. But never to the point that I wish them anything bad, more like I wish I had someone like they do. Externally, I would be as supportive of them as possible.

[Taramere]

Then theres the other side to competitive behaviour which I see. For example, when driving I see a weird form of competitiveness afoot where drivers put their very lives into the hands of the performance of their cars, with, in my eyes very little gain;

 

My favourite is when you're waiting to pull out at a roundabout, and oncoming cars speed up to make sure you don't get a chance to get out. You get a flash of faces at the wheel...grim with determination. God forbid you should be provided with a break in the traffic so that you can get onto the roundabout.

 

Here's a funny article on competitiveness in "The Pillsbury Bake-off". Mind you, with $1million prize money I'll bet it gets cut throat! Puts "a £20 voucher for Markies for the best plum jam" type prizes to shame.

 

http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2002/05/17/bake_off

[H1N1]

I can be competitive at times, but I am generally not a competitive person -- at least no more than the average person. I don't have a need to beat people at games or contests (or life) so much as a need to not be embarrassed. I'm okay with losing as long as I put up a fight and look good in defeat. Of course we all want to win sometimes, and nobody likes having their ass kicked.