mybrowneyedgirl Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 So my question of the day...Is a person able to honestly work on their marriage if they still care for and attempt to contact the other person? my reservations are this: the main reason im cautious of xMM now that it appears he is on his way to divorce is that i question whether or not he really made an honest attempt at his marriage. during the time they were "fixing things" although he didnt call/text/email or what not, he still tried to speak at work until i removed myself from his office. and then there were still (and still are) the attempts at looking deep in to my eyes, and asking others who know me about my situation and new life. in my head i made the choice to only be available to him if he gave it a shot with her and the marriage failed on its own. and in his situation, according to his own account and the stories of her best friend, she kicked him out because he said he was still in love with me and couldnt do the necessary work. AND BIG RED FLAG HERE...that goes against the decision in my head to resume contact if he gave his marriage a fair shot. i'm seeking advice on this topic in general. ie what does it mean to give it your all in trying to reconcile your marriage? not necessarily my specific situation. thanks! BEG
jennie-jennie Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 If one spouse in a marriage falls deeply and long term in love with another, that is a failure of that marriage in my opinion. That marriage has failed on its own. Going back to work on it is like whipping a dead horse. I understand that in some cases a Dday changes the WS' mind and he/she actually manages to work on the marriage. But in your case, MBEG, there was a Dday and it did not result in work on the marriage. So that marriage has failed on its own.
sadintexas Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Hmmm...while I can't say this in the context of a M, I have had feelings for one while seeing another so based on that perspective... I believe the heart can only be in one place at a time. Someone might have love for more than one person, but not the all consuming, passionate love that we tend to associate with being in love. I believe in that regard, it is only in one place at a time. I think I would personally have a hard time putting 100% into the M if my heart was with another. I could go through the motions; I could do the right things. But if my heart wasn't truly into it, it wouldn't be with heartfelt enthusiasm. If the heart is missing, are the other actions as beneficial to working on the M? I don't really know but tend to think not. What it could do is provide the time needed for positive change within the M. There could possibly be a turning point (or perhaps breaking point) where it changes and I'm either recommited emotionally or I've come to realization that my heart won't return there. I wouldn't expect that to happen overnight, especially if he really is in love with you. It takes time to heal from that. In any event, if MM's W gave up on the M before he had the opportunity to try to really work on it, would that still be a deal breaker for you? Granted, he caused the initial dissention, but her pulling the plug when she did was out of his control. I don't know that I, if I were in your shoes, could personally hang onto that as a reason to not consider reconciling with him if the rest of the situation is right.
jennie-jennie Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 You can not work on a marriage if you still care for and attempt to contact the other person. My MM tried to do this. We went NC. He was physically at home but not mentally. To be able to work on the marriage I believe the extramarital relationship would have to end first and the WS would also need time to mourn it and detach from the other person. If there is failure to detach because the attachment is too strong, then the marriage is at best going to be an empty-shell marriage.
sadintexas Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Actually, I think it's refreshing to hear that he was honest with her about loving you and telling her he couldn't put the work into the M. My only question would be why did she pull the plug instead of him? This would be a question I would have to have answered. Was it because he was still willing to try if she was, knowing he couldn't give what it would take but maybe hoping that would change? Was it because they were discussing it and she just beat him to the punch? I think some scenarios would be acceptable and others would not be. The answer to that question would be more relevant to me than the fact that he couldn't give the M what it would take to work. At least he was honest and direct with her, and for that he would earn points with me instead of the other way around.
anne1707 Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 It is incredibly hard to work on saving the marriage if the WS still thinks about the OW/OM. Giving 100% to the marriage is impossible because every thought/act concerning the OW/OM is taking the WS away from the marriage. But to be honest MBEG, I do not really see why this should be a problem for you - this is not an attack in any way. If you are saying you see it as a red flag that he did not fully try to make his marriage work because he was thinking about you, surely you can then also say that you did not fully work on your marriage either because you were thinking of the ex-MM so much. I know you tried to do NC but emotionally you were still involved. I guess I just don't see why this particular issue should be a "red flag" to you for having a future with the ex-MM.
whichwayisup Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Quote she kicked him out because he said he was still in love with me and couldnt do the necessary work. AND BIG RED FLAG HERE...that goes against the decision in my head to resume contact if he gave his marriage a fair shot. I'm glad you see this as a red flag. And no, he hasn't given his marriage a chance because you two haven't done total NC. She's kicked him out, he hasn't chosen to leave. He now will come running for you, because HE didn't end his marriage. You two have an unhealthy dynamic and it's still in affair mode too. If you truly love this man and want him, then back off, leave him alone completely for a year - Let him be ALONE, meaning live alone, become independent and not have ANYBODY (women) in his life. He'll need to grieve his marriage, grieve the life he once had, the familarity, the inlaws, shared friends.. ALL of that has changed and even though many don't think of those things as important, it is still a big loss, big change to deal with and cope. Even more so since he hasn't chosen to move out. He's had plenty of opportunities to do so and didn't. THAT in itself says alot. Be weary, do NOT put all your eggs in one basket. This man is nowhere near ready to be with you, or start a new life with you. Focus on your own healing and being alone.
White Flower Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 mybrowneyedgirl said: in my head i made the choice to only be available to him if he gave it a shot with her and the marriage failed on its own. Perhaps he DID give it his best shot AND found that his love for you was more important. What is wrong with that?
Fallen Angel Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 mybrowneyedgirl said: So my question of the day...Is a person able to honestly work on their marriage if they still care for and attempt to contact the other person? my reservations are this: the main reason im cautious of xMM now that it appears he is on his way to divorce is that i question whether or not he really made an honest attempt at his marriage. during the time they were "fixing things" although he didnt call/text/email or what not, he still tried to speak at work until i removed myself from his office. and then there were still (and still are) the attempts at looking deep in to my eyes, and asking others who know me about my situation and new life. in my head i made the choice to only be available to him if he gave it a shot with her and the marriage failed on its own. and in his situation, according to his own account and the stories of her best friend, she kicked him out because he said he was still in love with me and couldnt do the necessary work. AND BIG RED FLAG HERE...that goes against the decision in my head to resume contact if he gave his marriage a fair shot. i'm seeking advice on this topic in general. ie what does it mean to give it your all in trying to reconcile your marriage? not necessarily my specific situation. thanks! BEG Have you considered, MBEG, that what happened in his marriage is exactly what happened in yours? You really WANTED to be able to work on the marriage, but the love you felt for your MM just did not allow your heart to become reinvested in your marriage. Nothing you did in an attempt to change that worked. That is not to say you didn't try. I think you really did try to love your husband like that again. You simply couldn't. Hence the marriage failed because it was not healthy for you or your husband. I suspect the same thing happened with your MM. I do not see this as a reason to not trust your MM and to feel he didn't make the effort. The effort was likely there, but as i have said before, you can deny your body the physical act of sex with the person you are in love with, but your heart will not allow you to deny it. You love him, he appears to love you. You have to decide if you are willing to give that love a chance, or to always wonder what could have been. The choice is yours, just choose one! (where have you heard that before!!) ((MBEG))
Ellin Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 mybrowneyedgirl said: So my question of the day...Is a person able to honestly work on their marriage if they still care for and attempt to contact the other person? my reservations are this: the main reason im cautious of xMM now that it appears he is on his way to divorce is that i question whether or not he really made an honest attempt at his marriage. during the time they were "fixing things" although he didnt call/text/email or what not, he still tried to speak at work until i removed myself from his office. and then there were still (and still are) the attempts at looking deep in to my eyes, and asking others who know me about my situation and new life. in my head i made the choice to only be available to him if he gave it a shot with her and the marriage failed on its own. and in his situation, according to his own account and the stories of her best friend, she kicked him out because he said he was still in love with me and couldnt do the necessary work. AND BIG RED FLAG HERE...that goes against the decision in my head to resume contact if he gave his marriage a fair shot. i'm seeking advice on this topic in general. ie what does it mean to give it your all in trying to reconcile your marriage? not necessarily my specific situation. thanks! BEG Hi Mybrowneyedgirl. You seem to say that if someone's in love with another person he can't give his marriage a fair shot. Well, what is he supposed to do? It's not possible to suspend the feelings of love for the some time and do the work on the M meanwhile. He can try to take certain actions to make the M work, but he can't change his feelings. There's a contradiction here. It's like saying "I won't give him any more chances because he's in love with me"..
GreenEyedLady Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 White Flower said: Perhaps he DID give it his best shot AND found that his love for you was more important. What is wrong with that? This is what I thought too. Or what if he tried and found that his heart isn't in the M? Isn't that really the point of going back? To see if it's salvageable? And sometimes it's just not. And why is it important to you that he made a real effort? Maybe he just didn't want to make the effort because his heart was with you? Would you penalize him that? I guess my thoughts here really is why are you asking us? You should be asking HIM these questions. He is the only one who knows the answers. GEL
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 (edited) GEL, FA and those who have taken the time to respond, thank you. Thanks for the different perspective. My M ended and is definitely over for good. who am i to quesiton whether he worked hard enough or tried with all he had on his M. thats for him to decide i guess, not me. im just curious if anyone out there feels that they were able to really give their M a shot without being over the xAP, i know i was unable to. Edited July 3, 2010 by mybrowneyedgirl
flutterbykiss Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 mybrowneyedgirl said: Thanks for the different perspective. My M ended and is definitely over for good. who am i to quesiton whether he worked hard enough or tried with all he had on his M. thats for him to decide i guess, not me. That is SO true but I think most OW/OM's struggle with this (I certainly do) because the stakes are so high for everyone in an A and there is so much fear and guilt associated with being the OW/OM. Nobody wants to feel responsible for a M ending or for the MP ending up alone if things don't work out. Nobody wants the fMP to feel regret and resentment or (worse) abandon us to return to their original M. No wonder it's so common for OW/OM's to want our MP's M to dissolve in a way that it has nothing to do with us and is totally, irrevocably final. I plead guilty to the naive fantasy that if this happens I will not get hurt. I will try to accept that... 1) there are no guarantees in life 2) every relationship has baggage 3) NOBODY is responsible for the MP's choices except the MP 4) My MP's feelings are beyond my control For these reasons I wonder if it makes any real difference whether or not the MP put all their energy into trying to resurrect their marriage. Would it make my position, as the OW, any more bearable or secure? Hmmm...... I haven't been posting long enough to know all the details of your situation, MBEG, but I do see that it was important to you to stay within to the boundaries you set for yourself (absolute respect for that). That said, I envy your ability to let go and accept that if your xMM feels that his marriage is over then that's good enough for you. You have inspired me Sorry this post is a bit late in the thread. I'm posting from the southern hemisphere so I'm a bit out of sync with everyone else but I wanted to thank you, MBEG, for starting a chain of thought that just might free me from some of my fear. Here's hoping anyway:)
MsRight Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I thought I'd try to answer the question of giving the M another chance while still in love with he AP. I'm not really through his yet so I hate to speak too soon but I think it is possible. It has taken me months to get to a place where I only cry over the A a couple of times per week. But I am trying really hard for my M and it is making a difference. I am becoming more and more detached from my AP and more connected to my H. Its still a roller coaster but it is getting better slowly but surely. I must point out that my H does not know at this time which could make a difference. It has been hard and I would never want to go through it again but I do feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It did feel impossible for a long time. Still a ways to go but doesn't feel hopeless after all.
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