Chip on My Shoulder

[Gero]

My only advice for this particular situation is for the OP to try and find an activity that they enjoy, and just do that. No matter what it is. Become good at it. Once you do, you can then talk to people about that, and meet people who also enjoy doing that activity. You might meet someone that way. At the same time, if you don't meet someone...at least you have an activity occuping your time.

 

I try this as well. My only issue is that I get bored with stuff easily and have to scramble to find something else that interests me so that I don't go crazy thinking about stuff in my free time.

[Thermometer]

Technically speaking, that would not be insight. That would be an observation. And as such, observations are opinions from *one* perspective.

 

Insight is the ability to recognize one's own mental condition. It sounds like the OP has a case of OCD. OCD afflicted people tend to have relatively good insight that they have a problem and that their thoughts and/or actions are unreasonable, yet are compelled to carry out the thoughts and actions regardless.

 

A mature mind has assimilated many insights and understands cause and effect. The mind tends to analyze past experiences with the purpose of gaining insight for use at a later date. At the same time, the mind creates simulations of future scenarios using existing insights in order to predict outcomes.

 

This is why some people, like myself, over-analyze emotions, behaviors, and situations. We use our insights too much.

 

Being Pro-Active is not necessary either. I could go into the pros and cons of organizational behavior, but I won't. Suffice it to say that "blanket advice" such as "be pro-active", "be confident", and "don't be the victim" are all statements that really don't relate to a reader.

 

Most advice in a given situation is rejected either because of being unfamiliar with the advice giver, or the advice-giver is not empathizing (read:not relating and then giving advice in a contextual sense) with the person they are giving advice too.

 

My only advice for this particular situation is for the OP to try and find an activity that they enjoy, and just do that. No matter what it is. Become good at it. Once you do, you can then talk to people about that, and meet people who also enjoy doing that activity. You might meet someone that way. At the same time, if you don't meet someone...at least you have an activity occuping your time.

 

 

Thanks. I actually do have several activities I really enjoy and talk about it with people...but it doesn't serve as a purpose to completely distract me from these feelings as I don't engage in it 100% of the time. But it is good advice, none the less.

 

You're right though, I get really annoyed on message boards when people give you generic advice and then get angry that people aren't following it or praising them as an advice guru. Be confident, change yourself and don't be a victim are all things that are not going to happen overnight, or in the course of one post. In this case, yes, I know i need to change and I have been proactive about it in the past. I haven't been proactive in the most recent past, like from the time someone posted to be proactive to now.

[Diezel]

This sounds nutty, but sometimes I really don't like myself and then get ashamed for not liking myself.

 

Everything D-Lish already said is what I was going to say, and then I saw this GEM right here.

 

It's not nutty and THIS is the root of your problem.

You don't like yourself and so, the first person to show interest in you, you're willing to take into your life... red flags or not.

 

All I see is finger pointing in your OP towards other men, particularly about your illness, when I'm willing to bet that there is MORE to it than that.

 

You're co-dependent on men and how they feel about you. If you are in a relationship, you feel good about yourself because you feel attractive. You choose to ignore the red flags because the benefit of being in a relationship far outweighs and exceeds the benefit of being by yourself.

 

Therapy is only going to work when you are mentally mature enough to accept whatever the outcome that will be designated towards you.

 

 

Maybe I misinterpreted D-Lish, she can certainly correct me, but her frustration stems from the fact that it almost seems like you WANT to dwell and live and glorify this frustration and repeat it over and over without really putting in a golden effort to rectify it. In essence, this is probably why she feels she is wasting her time, not because or for lack of praise, but because she's witnessing a trend in you that simple advice will not be able to derail.

[Ruby Slippers]

You are looking for a man to heal some part of you that only you can heal. This is NOT easy to do. I'm a pretty smart cookie, and I'm just beginning to really figure this out at 33.

[Thermometer]

 

All I see is finger pointing in your OP towards other men, particularly about your illness, when I'm willing to bet that there is MORE to it than that.

 

You're co-dependent on men and how they feel about you. If you are in a relationship, you feel good about yourself because you feel attractive. You choose to ignore the red flags because the benefit of being in a relationship far outweighs and exceeds the benefit of being by yourself.

 

Therapy is only going to work when you are mentally mature enough to accept whatever the outcome that will be designated towards you.

 

1. What do you mean finger pointing? I was just pointing out the situations and that I'm dwelling on them. Everyone's been hurt in the past, I get it. I was just explaining what has happened to me and how I react to it. Yeah, I don't think these guys are great people and they're probably not going to have successful relationships unless they address their issues either--but this is ultimately my problem. It's not their problem, but I'm reacting to it and I'm just illustrating what has happened to me and how I dwell on it.

 

2. I wouldn't say I am co-dependent on men in general because I'm definitely not a serial monogamist or a clinger....but I do want to feel wanted and desired. I would say part of your statement is right, but obviously I've spent a good portion of my life (or most of my life) not in a relationship, so I don't think I ignore red flags because I don't want to be alone...otherwise I'd constantly be in relationships. I'd say I ignored most of their red flags more out of naivete than anything else. I can see them looking back, but at the time, I didn't see them as red flags. I wasn't like "Oh, red flag! I'm going to stay in this relationship because it's better than being on my own!" I just honestly didn't see it as a sign because it wasn't something I had experienced.

 

3. I don't understand your statement. It seems you are calling me immature in some way because therapy hasn't helped me gain more confidence in myself and around men? I think that's kind of a weird statement. I don't think confidence has to do with maturity, but with a large variety of factors. Confidence has come and gone in my life, but it's been mostly gone. What do you mean outcome that is designated to me? That I accept my life? I do accept my life and what's happening in it. That doesn't have much to do with confidence, does it?

 

I'm sorry, I don't want to sound combative, but I just really get irritated when people offer rote advice and then get angry that I'm not changing over night. I don't want to dwell on the past, I just do and I can't help it. I'd like to stop, but it seems to be something that has always been a struggle for me.

[Thermometer]

You are looking for a man to heal some part of you that only you can heal. This is NOT easy to do. I'm a pretty smart cookie, and I'm just beginning to really figure this out at 33.

 

You're probably right. And I know I wasn't at my happiest in relationships, but I feel like that's always society's push, ya know? "If you get married, you'll be happy,"...like it's going to solve everything.

[Thermometer]

Diezel. You also mention finger pointing because of my illness? That was one relationship, not both. And he did cite that specifically as the reason he didn't want to be with me. The second guy is more complicated and I can't say I did everything perfectly in the relationship, but he's definitely got a whooping band of issues. I don't understand the finger pointing. I'm just talking about why we broke up...I'm not giving you a play-by-play of our relationship as some of it was good. But he's just not someone I could be with because everything is always someone else's fault.

 

And yeah, simple advice from a message board probably won't stop this as it's a life-long issue for me. I'm sorry if that's frustrating. No I don't want this to be the way it is, but it is the way it is right now...

[Thermometer]

I'm sorry if I come off as rude. This is just a really personal issue for me, especially in the way of my illness. I just don't appreciate being called immature or saying I'm finger pointing. I accept that I wasn't 100% in a relationship because I'm only human. I also accept that I need to change, I just haven't been able to for one reason or another. This whole thread was really hard for me to post because it's been weighing on me. I do appreciate everyone's responses, but I don't appreciate a lot of the assumptions.

Edited July 3, 2010 by Thermometer

[Gero]

I'm sorry if I come off as rude. This is just a really personal issue for me, especially in the way of my illness. I just don't appreciate being called immature or saying I'm finger pointing. I accept that I wasn't 100% in a relationship because I'm only human. I also accept that I need to change, I just haven't been able to for one reason or another. This whole thread was really hard for me to post because it's been weighing on me. I do appreciate everyone's responses, but I don't appreciate a lot of the assumptions.

 

I know what you are going through and I appreciate the fact that it was hard for you. I know how hard that is. Like I said before, I really suggest opening up to close friends and family and if you are a religious person, to God.

 

Feeling like no one understands you and bottling it up doesn't help. I know from experience. I'm not over my issues, but I'm working on it.

[Thermometer]

I know what you are going through and I appreciate the fact that it was hard for you. I know how hard that is. Like I said before, I really suggest opening up to close friends and family and if you are a religious person, to God.

 

Feeling like no one understands you and bottling it up doesn't help. I know from experience. I'm not over my issues, but I'm working on it.

 

Thanks. I do talk to my mom about it, but she usually tells me to get over it. I wish it were that simple.

[Gero]

Thanks. I do talk to my mom about it, but she usually tells me to get over it. I wish it were that simple.

 

I never said it was simple, but just opening up about it helps sometimes.

[Thermometer]

I never said it was simple, but just opening up about it helps sometimes.

 

I know YOU didn't. I'm saying I wish my mom's advice were that simple!

[Gero]

I know YOU didn't. I'm saying I wish my mom's advice were that simple!

 

I see. I think if you really truly tell her what you are feeling that she will come along eventually. She doesn't know that you went to therapy, right?

 

I don't have the ability to open up to my family, but I have a few friends that are very understanding and helpful. Sometimes they don't have the best advice because they don't fully understand what I go through, but knowing that they want to help and want what's best for me does help me get through rough times. Still, it's something that you have to work on yourself and it takes a lot of dedication and it's hard, but I'm finally convincing myself that it's worth all of the hard work.

[Diezel]

I also accept that I need to change, I just haven't been able to for one reason or another. This whole thread was really hard for me to post because it's been weighing on me. I do appreciate everyone's responses, but I don't appreciate a lot of the assumptions.

 

Are you sure you've been to therapy?

 

Our assumptions are based on the information YOU are giving us. I can only get the limited picture that you are painting, a virtual microcosm of who you are.

 

You say that you know you need to change, but you haven't been able to for one reason or another.

 

What that shows me is someone who is willingly casting themselves continually in a victim role. You're passively taking responsibility for your own actions without really owning up to it.

 

And it's a forum, unknown people WILL make assumptions. Not all of them are going to be right, and not all of them are going to be favorable to you. If you can't deal with them here, I suggest that you go make an appointment and this time... willingly listen to what is told to you in therapy.

 

And you're not being rude.

And neither am I.

 

So need for apologies.

[Thermometer]

I see. I think if you really truly tell her what you are feeling that she will come along eventually. She doesn't know that you went to therapy, right?

 

I don't have the ability to open up to my family, but I have a few friends that are very understanding and helpful. Sometimes they don't have the best advice because they don't fully understand what I go through, but knowing that they want to help and want what's best for me does help me get through rough times. Still, it's something that you have to work on yourself and it takes a lot of dedication and it's hard, but I'm finally convincing myself that it's worth all of the hard work.

 

That's great I'm glad you have friends who will help you out.

 

Yes, she knows I've been to therapy. I've struggled with depression for a lot of my life and I spent a lot of time in therapy for it. It has helped with the depressed feelings, but for some reason, it doesn't help the self-confidence problem. I really try to combat the feelings, I just haven't been successful and I don't know why.

[Thermometer]

Are you sure you've been to therapy?

 

Yup. Several years of it actually. I'm not saying I haven't been able to change for lack of trying, I just haven't found a successful method yet. I don't know how to fix it. Therapy hasn't been the answer for me, but I'd like to find an answer. Sorry.

[torranceshipman]

It's been almost two years since I've had a boyfriend...a year and a half since I've been emotionally involved with someone. Before that, I went two and a half years without a boyfriend. Now I'm 26 and everyone around me is meeting "the one" and getting engaged and married. And I'm alone. I find it really hard to trust anyone...or trust that the person wants to stay with me.

 

My first serious boyfriend dumped me on a whim because of an illness I had and he just didn't want to deal with it. Basically dropped me like a hot potato and moved on to another girl within a week....even though I was his first serious relationship as well.

 

My second serious boyfriend, more serious than the first, was always supportive of my illness and sometimes my insecurity of him dumping me out of the blue would manifest and he would get angry at me for thinking that. But that wasn't our only issue...I felt like throughout our relationship, he talked down to me and blamed me for every issue we had, even those that were his fault or mutually an issue. It was always my fault...and he has a habit of doing that--in his mind, the demise of all his past relationships are 100% the other person's fault.

 

Since we broke up, he would tell me not to talk to him because he needed space. Then he'd come around and talk to me and expect me to just be there. If I'd talk to him, he'd get angry and tell me to leave him alone--that he needed space. This continued for several months until I just sort of found that cutting him out was better for me. Then, I stupidly let him back in because I was at a good place in my life. We went out a couple of times and had a lot of fun--a lot of the old chemistry came back. He invited me out and we sent messages back and forth. But because of the way he's acted, there's no way I could possible entertain a relationship with him again and respect myself.

 

Fastforward to a few weeks later and I invite him out and he just SNAPS at me. He tells me it's my fault for pushing him to hang out and that he's not ready and I'm trying too hard blah blah--basically it's all my fault once again. I told him I was sorry, but it was hard to know that someone doesn't want to hang out with you if they're inviting you out, etc. Then he basically sent me a note back saying we're not friends and he just doesn't "the instinct" to call me anymore and he doesn't think we can be friends. Fair enough.

 

A few days go by. I get a freaking birthday card from him in the mail.

 

Taking this as a peace offering, I ask him to do me a very quick and easy favor. He never responds...so I totally cut him out again. Deleted the phone number, the facebook, everything.

 

Then I randomly run into him on the street and he's all smiles, giving me a huge hug and telling me he's heard ABC about my life from mutual friends and my tweets and yadda yadda. I haven't spoken to him since.

 

Needless to say, it was hard for me to find someone before all of this happened. Now I'm even way less trusting of men. I'm not saying I don't have any bad qualities or never did anything wrong in the relationships, but all of my friends also seem to have these kinds of issues with men. They're wishy washy or selfish or untrustworthy or cheaters and whatnot. I know there are good guys out there, but they seem so few and far between.

 

As such, I've found that I have a chip on my shoulder. I've tried to dive into dating again doing online stuff. I met a guy I really thought I clicked with and he sent me a text talking about how awesome our meeting was. But I haven't heard from him again yet (it's been 2 days).

 

I guess it's like...how do feel you're worthy of a relationship, when deep down, you feel like you're not? I know exes are in the past, but to me it seems like they got to know the real me and then don't want anything to do with it. Granted, neither of these men are in successful relationships in the present, or in relationships at all for that matter, so their track record isn't so stellar either. Still, I feel like I'm destined to fail and that it's absolutely impossible to find anyone. I do think I'm interesting, intelligent and attractive, but that doesn't seem like that is enough. I feel like I'm missing something key that every woman who has a man that loves her has....and it blooooows.

 

When I talk to guys online and meet them in person, I feel like I'm so guarded, totally judging them so as not to let people in so they can hurt me again.

 

Sorry for the rambling. Just feeling a bit low. I'm not a victim--just happened to get involved with some bad guys and let their words and actions get to me.

 

There is one thing you need to remember - everyone is an individual. If you meet 1 flaky idiot, maybe you'll get bad luck and meet 100 more, or maybe the next one to come along will be 'the one'. Either way, you must stay open to the possibility else it will completely pass you by. Just remember that everyone is their own person and the right guy will come along sometime. In the meantime, dump any guy immediately who shows you a red flag as he is simply keeping you away from that serendipitous meeting with mr right

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I guess it's like...how do feel you're worthy of a relationship, when deep down, you feel like you're not? I know exes are in the past, but to me it seems like they got to know the real me and then don't want anything to do with it. Granted, neither of these men are in successful relationships in the present, or in relationships at all for that matter, so their track record isn't so stellar either. Still, I feel like I'm destined to fail and that it's absolutely impossible to find anyone. I do think I'm interesting, intelligent and attractive, but that doesn't seem like that is enough. I feel like I'm missing something key that every woman who has a man that loves her has....and it blooooows.

 

When I talk to guys online and meet them in person, I feel like I'm so guarded, totally judging them so as not to let people in so they can hurt me again.

 

Sorry for the rambling. Just feeling a bit low. I'm not a victim--just happened to get involved with some bad guys and let their words and actions get to me.

 

 

Geez, this is simply amazing stuff to read, and I'm drawn to any woman who can articulate how she feels in this way.

 

Your honesty tops the specifics of your outlook.

 

You clearly DO have what it takes out there... and I strongly feel that as a few more years pass, you will evolve to have a clearer sense of yourself to better understand what sorts of close friends and lovers offer the best "fit" for you.

 

Time is on your side!

[Thermometer]

Went on a date the other night. It was pretty good. He texted me afterward that he had a fantastic time. Then he disappeared. I texted him after three days wishing him a happy 4th. Nothing. Then I saw he had viewed my profile online again, so I e-mailed him and said "I assume you're not interested, but I had a good time and good luck." Nothing. What a jerkoff. Just one more....

[stellaluna]

Went on a date the other night. It was pretty good. He texted me afterward that he had a fantastic time. Then he disappeared. I texted him after three days wishing him a happy 4th. Nothing. Then I saw he had viewed my profile online again, so I e-mailed him and said "I assume you're not interested, but I had a good time and good luck." Nothing. What a jerkoff. Just one more....

 

Huh?

Why did you bother with any of that nonsense? You mine as well said "I know you don't like me, but I like you". What purpose did that serve?

 

Don't date if you can't handle rejection, because dating and rejection go hand in hand. If your ego is as frail as you say- you shouldn't be dating, you should be working on your self esteem.

 

I can guarantee that he picked up on your insecurity on the date. Every thing that i read from you in your thread is so negative. If you bring a fraction of that to a date, you'll turn people off.

[Engadget]

It's hard to trust again when you've been betrayed, and I've had trust issues from day one so I know how you feel.

[Thermometer]

Huh?

Why did you bother with any of that nonsense? You mine as well said "I know you don't like me, but I like you". What purpose did that serve?

 

Basically it was a way to say "I see you're not interested" in case some random catastrophe happened to him and he ended up not being uninterested, but had something happen to him. That's happened to me before...but I wanted him to know he was coming off uninterested. But turns out he simply is uninterested.

 

I don't think I was negative or insecure on the date.....he said he really liked me in a text. But I guess not enough. Oh well. Moving on....

[Thermometer]

Huh?

 

I can guarantee that he picked up on your insecurity on the date. Every thing that i read from you in your thread is so negative. If you bring a fraction of that to a date, you'll turn people off.

 

Maybe, but if that was the case, he wouldn't have texted me afterward telling me what a wonderful time he had and hoping for a second date. I went on a few other dates where I never heard from the guy again, but I wasn't really interested, so it didn't bother me. I never made an initiative to contact them either.

 

It's funny you say say I'm "so negative". We're talking about a negative aspect of my life, so of course it's going to be negative. If it were a more positive thing happening, then I would be more positive.

[Thermometer]

It's hard to trust again when you've been betrayed, and I've had trust issues from day one so I know how you feel.

 

Thanks, I hear you. Some people have it worse than I do...I've never been cheated on or anything. And my parents have always been there for me. Some people haven't had that security, which makes the dating pool even tougher.