Chip on My Shoulder

[Thermometer]

It's been almost two years since I've had a boyfriend...a year and a half since I've been emotionally involved with someone. Before that, I went two and a half years without a boyfriend. Now I'm 26 and everyone around me is meeting "the one" and getting engaged and married. And I'm alone. I find it really hard to trust anyone...or trust that the person wants to stay with me.

 

My first serious boyfriend dumped me on a whim because of an illness I had and he just didn't want to deal with it. Basically dropped me like a hot potato and moved on to another girl within a week....even though I was his first serious relationship as well.

 

My second serious boyfriend, more serious than the first, was always supportive of my illness and sometimes my insecurity of him dumping me out of the blue would manifest and he would get angry at me for thinking that. But that wasn't our only issue...I felt like throughout our relationship, he talked down to me and blamed me for every issue we had, even those that were his fault or mutually an issue. It was always my fault...and he has a habit of doing that--in his mind, the demise of all his past relationships are 100% the other person's fault.

 

Since we broke up, he would tell me not to talk to him because he needed space. Then he'd come around and talk to me and expect me to just be there. If I'd talk to him, he'd get angry and tell me to leave him alone--that he needed space. This continued for several months until I just sort of found that cutting him out was better for me. Then, I stupidly let him back in because I was at a good place in my life. We went out a couple of times and had a lot of fun--a lot of the old chemistry came back. He invited me out and we sent messages back and forth. But because of the way he's acted, there's no way I could possible entertain a relationship with him again and respect myself.

 

Fastforward to a few weeks later and I invite him out and he just SNAPS at me. He tells me it's my fault for pushing him to hang out and that he's not ready and I'm trying too hard blah blah--basically it's all my fault once again. I told him I was sorry, but it was hard to know that someone doesn't want to hang out with you if they're inviting you out, etc. Then he basically sent me a note back saying we're not friends and he just doesn't "the instinct" to call me anymore and he doesn't think we can be friends. Fair enough.

 

A few days go by. I get a freaking birthday card from him in the mail.

 

Taking this as a peace offering, I ask him to do me a very quick and easy favor. He never responds...so I totally cut him out again. Deleted the phone number, the facebook, everything.

 

Then I randomly run into him on the street and he's all smiles, giving me a huge hug and telling me he's heard ABC about my life from mutual friends and my tweets and yadda yadda. I haven't spoken to him since.

 

Needless to say, it was hard for me to find someone before all of this happened. Now I'm even way less trusting of men. I'm not saying I don't have any bad qualities or never did anything wrong in the relationships, but all of my friends also seem to have these kinds of issues with men. They're wishy washy or selfish or untrustworthy or cheaters and whatnot. I know there are good guys out there, but they seem so few and far between.

 

As such, I've found that I have a chip on my shoulder. I've tried to dive into dating again doing online stuff. I met a guy I really thought I clicked with and he sent me a text talking about how awesome our meeting was. But I haven't heard from him again yet (it's been 2 days).

 

I guess it's like...how do feel you're worthy of a relationship, when deep down, you feel like you're not? I know exes are in the past, but to me it seems like they got to know the real me and then don't want anything to do with it. Granted, neither of these men are in successful relationships in the present, or in relationships at all for that matter, so their track record isn't so stellar either. Still, I feel like I'm destined to fail and that it's absolutely impossible to find anyone. I do think I'm interesting, intelligent and attractive, but that doesn't seem like that is enough. I feel like I'm missing something key that every woman who has a man that loves her has....and it blooooows.

 

When I talk to guys online and meet them in person, I feel like I'm so guarded, totally judging them so as not to let people in so they can hurt me again.

 

Sorry for the rambling. Just feeling a bit low. I'm not a victim--just happened to get involved with some bad guys and let their words and actions get to me.

[D-Lish]

Sorry for the rambling. Just feeling a bit low. I'm not a victim--just happened to get involved with some bad guys and let their words and actions get to me.

 

In my experience, you don't "happen" to get involved with bad guys, you choose them. The red flags will always be there in the beginning- you just have to be more in-tune with what those red flags are and cut those guys loose before getting involved with them.

[Gero]

Although I am a guy, I know a lot of what you are feeling and have some similar experiences. As for me, I haven't had a relationship in over ten years and have only been on a few dates in that time.

 

The thing is that when you are alone for a long time you get picky. That's not a bad thing really. I've been on a few dates with people that I didn't end up liking for one reason or another. Now I finally met someone who I really like that seems to like me just the same. It just takes time and you have to be true to yourself.

 

Don't feel bad for judging other people because they are not your type. When you meet someone that you really like, you will like all of there great assets and overlook the bad ones. That's just how it is.

 

Don't try to pretend to be anyone that you are not. Eventually you will find someone that will accept you for who you are. Trust me. It took me 10 years to find someone that I could even consider having a relationship with.

[Thermometer]

In my experience, you don't "happen" to get involved with bad guys, you choose them. The red flags will always be there in the beginning- you just have to be more in-tune with what those red flags are and cut those guys loose before getting involved with them.

 

I guess...but I think if you don't get involved with people, sometimes you overlook their red flags--if that makes sense. Looking back, I can see red flags of their behavior along the way, but I brushed it off.

 

It's just so frustrating because it seems like I go so long without meeting someone I like...and when I do get involved, I totally ignore these red flags and then get treated like crap, feel like crap and lack the mental energy to get with someone else.

 

For some people it seems so easy to just "find" your life partner. It "just happens". I've been waiting a while....

[Thermometer]

Although I am a guy, I know a lot of what you are feeling and have some similar experiences. As for me, I haven't had a relationship in over ten years and have only been on a few dates in that time.

 

The thing is that when you are alone for a long time you get picky. That's not a bad thing really. I've been on a few dates with people that I didn't end up liking for one reason or another. Now I finally met someone who I really like that seems to like me just the same. It just takes time and you have to be true to yourself.

 

Don't feel bad for judging other people because they are not your type. When you meet someone that you really like, you will like all of there great assets and overlook the bad ones. That's just how it is.

 

Don't try to pretend to be anyone that you are not. Eventually you will find someone that will accept you for who you are. Trust me. It took me 10 years to find someone that I could even consider having a relationship with.

 

That does make sense.

 

I know people date and marry people with disabilities, with mental instability or just plan d-bags. Not that I have all of that, but logically whatever is wrong with me, someone should be able to accept it if most people seem to find someone despite otherwise "undesirable" qualities.

[deux ex machina]

...As such, I've found that I have a chip on my shoulder. I've tried to dive into dating again doing online stuff. I met a guy I really thought I clicked with and he sent me a text talking about how awesome our meeting was. But I haven't heard from him again yet (it's been 2 days).

 

I guess it's like...how do feel you're worthy of a relationship, when deep down, you feel like you're not? I know exes are in the past, but to me it seems like they got to know the real me and then don't want anything to do with it. Granted, neither of these men are in successful relationships in the present, or in relationships at all for that matter, so their track record isn't so stellar either. Still, I feel like I'm destined to fail and that it's absolutely impossible to find anyone. I do think I'm interesting, intelligent and attractive, but that doesn't seem like that is enough. I feel like I'm missing something key that every woman who has a man that loves her has....and it blooooows.

 

When I talk to guys online and meet them in person, I feel like I'm so guarded, totally judging them so as not to let people in so they can hurt me again.

 

Sorry for the rambling. Just feeling a bit low. I'm not a victim--just happened to get involved with some bad guys and let their words and actions get to me.

 

You articulated how you feel so well. Challenging those beliefs is something to consider.

 

I think a lot of this is fighting the last war(s), so to speak. Understandable, but a question of degree. Having a bit of a wall up is not necessarily a bad thing; it's useful. Building one up so high and fortified that you couldn't let it down even if you wanted to, on the other hand...

[Gero]

I guess...but I think if you don't get involved with people, sometimes you overlook their red flags--if that makes sense. Looking back, I can see red flags of their behavior along the way, but I brushed it off.

 

It's just so frustrating because it seems like I go so long without meeting someone I like...and when I do get involved, I totally ignore these red flags and then get treated like crap, feel like crap and lack the mental energy to get with someone else.

 

For some people it seems so easy to just "find" your life partner. It "just happens". I've been waiting a while....

 

Yep. Life isn't fair. I know this. I met a few girls that I tried to convince myself that I liked but after they broke it off, I realized that I didn't really like them and just wanted a relationship.

 

Some people just meet people that are great for them without trying and others have to try for years (like me). Just don't let your insecurities get to you because then it can ruin a relationship when you do find someone that is perfect for you. I know this because I've tried to convince myself that I didn't like someone that was perfect for me just because I was afraid to get hurt.

 

It's hard to get over this, but you have to try. You can't go through life like this.

 

Don't force yourself to be with someone that's not good enough for you and don't be afraid to be with someone that you deserve. It's hard to get over these kinds of issues but you have to try otherwise you will never be happy.

 

I suggest opening up to some close friends about this.

[Thermometer]

Definitely not easy. I've been to therapy a lot over this and nothing has worked. It seems like I keep harping on the fact that these guys have been d-bags, therefore I must deserve it on some level. Or if I were "better" they would somehow have magically treated me better.

[D-Lish]

Looking back, I can see red flags of their behavior along the way, but I brushed it off.

 

It's just so frustrating because it seems like I go so long without meeting someone I like...and when I do get involved, I totally ignore these red flags and then get treated like crap, feel like crap and lack the mental energy to get with someone else.

 

For some people it seems so easy to just "find" your life partner. It "just happens". I've been waiting a while....

 

Don't let your frustration about being single get in the way of making good choices.

 

If you're in the zone of wanting to meet someone, you might overlook things you shouldn't when choosing a partner.

 

If you ignore red flags, you will end up with a bad guy, and getting treated like crap is a likely outcome.

 

You're in control over who you let into your life, never forget that.

[Gero]

Definitely not easy. I've been to therapy a lot over this and nothing has worked. It seems like I keep harping on the fact that these guys have been d-bags, therefore I must deserve it on some level. Or if I were "better" they would somehow have magically treated me better.

 

Yep, it's not easy, but you still have to try. It's way too easy to just give up and it gets you nowhere. I struggle with crap like this all of the time.

 

The problem is right there. You think that everything is your fault. You're too nice and trying to please other people without considering your own feelings. You need to be strong and know what you want otherwise you will not be happy even if you meet a guy who is not a jerk.

 

Stop kidding yourself. Douche bags are douche bags. They don't treat someone better just because they "are better than someone else". They treat everyone like crap because it gives them an ego boost and they get off on it.

 

You need to realize that these douche bags are horrible people and they have no say in how great of a person you are. Stop letting these people have power over you. You will never be happy unless you empower yourself.

 

It's tough... I know, but I know that you can do it and things will get better. I promise.

[Thermometer]

Thanks everyone.

 

I also keep going back to the fact that they are still friends with (some of) their exes, but don't really want to have a friendship with me...which does make me feel like I did something wrong. I mean I know I wasn't the most perfect girlfriend in the world (no one is), but it just sucks because I'm always like "If I was better at xyz, they would still want to talk to me..." especially the second guy. He plays so many games about "Let's talk," "Let's don't." He even told me he thought I was sexy last time I was with him (before the freak out)....but then now he's acting like a bipolar nut about me. Bottom line, I need to stop dwelling on it. Easier said than done.

[D-Lish]

Definitely not easy. I've been to therapy a lot over this and nothing has worked. It seems like I keep harping on the fact that these guys have been d-bags, therefore I must deserve it on some level. Or if I were "better" they would somehow have magically treated me better.

 

Something told you they were douche-bags when you met them, but you chose to ignore those red flags.

 

All of us meet unworthy douche-bags everyday, but we either delete their messages or choose not go out with them again.

 

I think you do believe you deserve it on some level, or you wouldn't give these guys a second thought.

 

What you need to work on is your self esteem. Get yourself centered before seeking a relationship.

 

When you feel bad about yourself, you'll only seek guys that support that notion. When you are truly feeling good about yourself, you will seek guys that support THAT notion.

 

It all starts with you. It doesn't sound like you have a healthy self-esteem. You need to work on that before you seek a worthy partner. You won't find a worthy partner when you are willing to accept less than what you deserve.

[Gero]

Thanks everyone.

 

I also keep going back to the fact that they are still friends with (some of) their exes, but don't really want to have a friendship with me...which does make me feel like I did something wrong. I mean I know I wasn't the most perfect girlfriend in the world (no one is), but it just sucks because I'm always like "If I was better at xyz, they would still want to talk to me..." especially the second guy. He plays so many games about "Let's talk," "Let's don't." He even told me he thought I was sexy last time I was with him (before the freak out)....but then now he's acting like a bipolar nut about me. Bottom line, I need to stop dwelling on it. Easier said than done.

 

I can speak from experience that I don't have a lot of women friends and don't like having too many of them. If I date a girl and don't want to keep going out with her or whatever, I usually don't want to stay friends because there was just something about her personality that didn't click. Don't take it so personally.

 

Some guys just don't like being friends with their exes especially if they think you are too needy. No offense but it probably wouldn't have worked about because you would have still had some feelings for them and they don't want to deal with that. Don't take it personally and see it as them doing you a favor. Every guy you date isn't going to be in your life forever. That's just how it is.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the other guy. He seems to have his own set of issues as well. I feel like you probably still have feelings for him as well even if you just want to be friends but his games are having a bad affect on you and you can't keep putting yourself through that.

 

Like I said, I would talk about some of your issues with a really close friend or family member. It's hard but it does help after awhile. They might not completely understand but if they are true friends then they will try to help the best way that they can and over time it will help build your self-esteem back up and that's what you need.

 

You can't over-think things because it will drive you crazy. It drives me crazy and I'm sick of it. I'm trying to get over it and I am getting better. It just takes time. Just be proud of yourself for addressing the issue and not ignoring it.

[Thermometer]

With the first guy, I can definitely see it...I was definitely very needy with him. But I haven't talked to him in several years, so it doesn't bother me as much unless I dwell on it.

 

I don't know if the other guy thinks I'm needy. I made it very clear I just wanted to be friends and was NOT interested in pursuing a relationship with him (because of his games, douchebaggery and other issues...I didn't state those but, I did make it crystal clear I wasn't looking to rekindle a relationship). But he still doesn't want me in his life, unless it's convenient for him I guess. And it sucks. I definitely wasn't a needy girlfriend when I was with him, and I don't think I was when we broke up...unless you count the fact that he would contact me whenever he wanted and then when I would contact him he'd get in a tizz about it. But obviously his games are too intense and unpredictable to even have a friendship with him. I seem to provoke a lot of crazy feelings with him...(our mutual friends say whenever they bring me up, he says "I really don't want to talk about her," and we didn't end on bad terms or anything) so I guess I just need to stay out of his life.

[Gero]

With the first guy, I can definitely see it...I was definitely very needy with him. But I haven't talked to him in several years, so it doesn't bother me as much unless I dwell on it.

 

I don't know if the other guy thinks I'm needy. I made it very clear I just wanted to be friends and was NOT interested in pursuing a relationship with him (because of his games, douchebaggery and other issues...I didn't state those but, I did make it crystal clear I wasn't looking to rekindle a relationship). But he still doesn't want me in his life, unless it's convenient for him I guess. And it sucks. I definitely wasn't a needy girlfriend when I was with him, and I don't think I was when we broke up...unless you count the fact that he would contact me whenever he wanted and then when I would contact him he'd get in a tizz about it.

 

Yep, that's needy. If he treats you like crap and only talks to you when he wants and you respond immediately expecting things to change then that's needy. These guys obviously aren't worth your time, so stop giving it to them. It's only going to hurt you more when they don't respond.

 

I'm just saying that the problem is not anything to do with you. It's just your way of thinking right now. You think that you have to impress these guys or whatever and you don't. They are douche bags and not worth your time. You'll find someone better if you just change your view on things. You just need to reflect on things. It doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you a person that is not perfect and is working on their issues. Don't be ashamed that you are not perfect. No one is.

[D-Lish]

I'm just saying that the problem is not anything to do with you. It's just your way of thinking right now. You think that you have to impress these guys or whatever and you don't. They are douche bags and not worth your time. You'll find someone better if you just change your view on things. You just need to reflect on things. It doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you a person that is not perfect and is working on their issues. Don't be ashamed that you are not perfect. No one is.

 

Well that is a problem that the OP needs to explore.

When you're making bad choices, you need to own them or you will never be able to correct them.

[Gero]

Well that is a problem that the OP needs to explore.

When you're making bad choices, you need to own them or you will never be able to correct them.

 

When you are in situations like this it's tough because you just keep piling on more and more on yourself and you try to convince yourself that a guy or a girl can make things all better, but it's not really true.

 

Yes, the OP needs to own up to the fact that her way of thinking needs to change, but at the same time you can't be ashamed of this. You just need to accept that you have a problem and start working on it. Everyone has problems, but these problems compound when someone feels shame from the way others respond and then just continues to pile on themselves and convince themselves that they are just not "normal" and powerless to change what the problem is.

 

The root of the problem is feeling like you are not good enough. If you think you're not good enough then you won't think you are good enough to improve yourself either. The OP needs to realize that just working on this issue and getting better is something to be proud of and not get too discouraged if things don't change immediately. It takes time to overcome this.

[Thermometer]

Yep, that's needy. If he treats you like crap and only talks to you when he wants and you respond immediately expecting things to change then that's needy.

 

I don't think so...since a lot of the time I told him I wasn't available or wouldn't talk to him. He told me to meet him somewhere at one point (like IMed me and told me to come to his work) and I said "Ok, maybe" and never showed up. But he continued this behavior. I think needy is more like "I'll do anything for you, any time anywhere." but I definitely wasn't like that. Maybe he perceived it like that, but who knows. He also thinks all of his exes and misc. f-buddies he's dragged through the mud are psychos and are all still in love with him. Even the ones who are married are apparently still in love with him.

 

And yeah, I guess I am making bad decisions, but it feels at least validating to know someone loved me....especially when it seems like for women that having a partner is a prize...something to validate your existence and personality. I think I'm a good person, but it's almost like you have to have proof. But it's not just that, it'd be definitely nice to have someone who cares about you in your life.

[Thermometer]

This sounds nutty, but sometimes I really don't like myself and then get ashamed for not liking myself.

[Gero]

I don't think so...since a lot of the time I told him I wasn't available or wouldn't talk to him. He told me to meet him somewhere at one point (like IMed me and told me to come to his work) and I said "Ok, maybe" and never showed up. But he continued this behavior. I think needy is more like "I'll do anything for you, any time anywhere." but I definitely wasn't like that. Maybe he perceived it like that, but who knows. He also thinks all of his exes and misc. f-buddies he's dragged through the mud are psychos and are all still in love with him. Even the ones who are married are apparently still in love with him.

 

And yeah, I guess I am making bad decisions, but it feels at least validating to know someone loved me....especially when it seems like for women that having a partner is a prize...something to validate your existence and personality. I think I'm a good person, but it's almost like you have to have proof. But it's not just that, it'd be definitely nice to have someone who cares about you in your life.

 

It may not be the exact definition of needy, but you obviously are worried about what this guy thinks of you and you want him to be a friend when he doesn't deserve to be one. I consider that needy. You need him to be a part of your life no matter how that materializes. I think you just need to let him go for good and stop playing games. Don't ignore him one time just to come off as not being interested. Ignore him forever because he's not the type of person that deserves to be your friend.

 

I understand the feeling of wanting to be loved and all that and it's not a bad thing, but when you push all of your needs of needing to be loved and to be loved in a certain way on someone it's really hard for them to deal with all of that.

 

When you find a great person that likes you, they want to love you and they want you to love them. You trust someone that you love with your heart and if they are the right person, they will take care of it. You can't tell them how to love you just like they can't tell you how to love them.

 

Wanting to be loved is fine, but needing to be loved and to be loved in a certain way so you feel good about yourself doesn't work.

 

I wouldn't swear off dating altogether, but I would take things slow and get to know yourself better. Don't fall for a douche just because he says some sweet words to you. Take a long hard look at who you are dating and make sure that you like them for all of the right reasons.

 

I hope things work out. I know you will find happiness. It just takes work.

[Thermometer]

You're totally right. I did cut him out about a month ago. I haven't talked to him since (except when I ran into him on the street and he was "SO HAPPY TO SEE MEEEEE OMG")...but I still think about it a lot and it still bothers me. It shouldn't, logically, but it does.

[Gero]

You're totally right. I did cut him out about a month ago. I haven't talked to him since (except when I ran into him on the street and he was "SO HAPPY TO SEE MEEEEE OMG")...but I still think about it a lot and it still bothers me. It shouldn't, logically, but it does.

 

It's a cliche, but don't worry about the people in your past. There's a reason that they didn't make it to your future.

[D-Lish]

When you are in situations like this it's tough because you just keep piling on more and more on yourself and you try to convince yourself that a guy or a girl can make things all better, but it's not really true.

 

Yes, the OP needs to own up to the fact that her way of thinking needs to change, but at the same time you can't be ashamed of this. You just need to accept that you have a problem and start working on it. Everyone has problems, but these problems compound when someone feels shame from the way others respond and then just continues to pile on themselves and convince themselves that they are just not "normal" and powerless to change what the problem is.

 

The root of the problem is feeling like you are not good enough. If you think you're not good enough then you won't think you are good enough to improve yourself either. The OP needs to realize that just working on this issue and getting better is something to be proud of and not get too discouraged if things don't change immediately. It takes time to overcome this.

 

That's basically what I've been saying all along.

 

But you have to be proactive in your own recovery. Op is not being pro-active, she's choosing to be a victim.

 

I'm not going to contribute anymore, my insight is falling on deaf ears.

[Thermometer]

That's basically what I've been saying all along.

 

But you have to be proactive in your own recovery. Op is not being pro-active, she's choosing to be a victim.

 

I'm not going to contribute anymore, my insight is falling on deaf ears.

 

Ummm...okay? I said I have gone to therapy over this in the past. But it hasn't helped. I keep falling back into the old trap and I feel helpless to stop it sometimes. I would like to stop, I just don't have the tools to do it.

[Morals]

That's basically what I've been saying all along.

 

But you have to be proactive in your own recovery. Op is not being pro-active, she's choosing to be a victim.

 

I'm not going to contribute anymore, my insight is falling on deaf ears.

 

Technically speaking, that would not be insight. That would be an observation. And as such, observations are opinions from *one* perspective.

 

Insight is the ability to recognize one's own mental condition. It sounds like the OP has a case of OCD. OCD afflicted people tend to have relatively good insight that they have a problem and that their thoughts and/or actions are unreasonable, yet are compelled to carry out the thoughts and actions regardless.

 

A mature mind has assimilated many insights and understands cause and effect. The mind tends to analyze past experiences with the purpose of gaining insight for use at a later date. At the same time, the mind creates simulations of future scenarios using existing insights in order to predict outcomes.

 

This is why some people, like myself, over-analyze emotions, behaviors, and situations. We use our insights too much.

 

Being Pro-Active is not necessary either. I could go into the pros and cons of organizational behavior, but I won't. Suffice it to say that "blanket advice" such as "be pro-active", "be confident", and "don't be the victim" are all statements that really don't relate to a reader.

 

Most advice in a given situation is rejected either because of being unfamiliar with the advice giver, or the advice-giver is not empathizing (read:not relating and then giving advice in a contextual sense) with the person they are giving advice too.

 

My only advice for this particular situation is for the OP to try and find an activity that they enjoy, and just do that. No matter what it is. Become good at it. Once you do, you can then talk to people about that, and meet people who also enjoy doing that activity. You might meet someone that way. At the same time, if you don't meet someone...at least you have an activity occuping your time.