Said something to my son about the ex

[spriggig]

First, know my bias: I'm against using drugs to try to solve problems. I even view prescription drugs with a lot of skepticism.

 

My 11 year old son has always been a "night owl", Left alone, he will tend toward staying up late and sleeping late. Since my STBXW left, he has been living with me at home and seeing her on weekends and sometimes during the week.

 

Since school let out, I've let him stay up until 10:30. He actually stays up much later in his room reading or drawing, sometimes as late as 1AM and he sleeps as late as he wants. He is alone most of the day during the week because I'm at work. He says he usually gets up around 10AM, which means he gets about 9 hours of sleep, which is normal for a kid. So, I'm not concerned about how much sleep he is getting.

 

Of course, the problem is that school will start again and he needs to get back on a more normal schedule. That's the background, here is what happened:

 

A couple of nights ago, he lays down on the bed next to me and says, out of the blue: "Mom said I could take sleeping pills to get me back on schedule, it would only take three or four." He meant, three or four days, not three or four pills at once.

 

I was floored. Before I knew it, I was saying (verbatim): "Your mom doesn't always make the best decisions around drugs."

 

That was my bias speaking, really. She hardly ever drinks, although my FIL said he thinks she is drinking a little more now, but not that much more. Also, she never uses "recreational" drugs, but she does take an anti-depressant, two drugs for hypertension and, last I knew, birth control. It was the anti-depressant and the rumor of more drinking that I was thinking about when I said what I said.

 

Since then, I made up a plan to use an alarm clock to get him back on schedule and told him we could start on Monday and set the alarm for a little earlier every couple of days until he was closer to a normal school schedule. He was fine with that.

 

So, first, what about giving kids sleeping pills and second how bad was what I said about his mom not making the best decisions around drugs?

Edited July 3, 2010 by spriggig

[trippi1432]

Hi Sprigg...I know our kids and situations aren't the same...but my 14 year old son went through a very bad trauma shortly after the ex and I split up (he was witness to seeing a 3 year-old child die in front of him). I immediately started grief counseling and started having issues with him on school refusal. All of that trauma combined made it necessary to get him counseling, an anti-depressant and sleep meds to try and get him on schedule.

 

My ex, he does not believe in medication or counseling....buy a book, watch a TV program and figure it out with some common sense thrown in. That's fine if it works (didn't for our marriage evidently). I've let him (son) go live with his father now as he gets up for him....like your son, mine is a night owl as well (video games are a culprit too...keep your kid away from them and the computer).

 

At your son's age, I do not see any reason why some training with an alarm clock won't remedy the situation; however, I would not count on him doing this all by himself just yet. He may still need the firm voice of his father to move his butt out of that bed (without putting holes in the wall, evidently my son didn't take kindly to my voice...:o). But yes, I would say at that age, your son does not need sleeping meds to get on schedule.

 

(Actually, I found a sledge-hammer does the trick.....YES!! I AM kidding!!!)

[spriggig]

Thanks, Tripp. He follows rules really well, as long as he knows them, I'll do what I can to keep him in line.

 

How bad a mistake was what I said to him about the ex?

 

This is the first time I've said anything even remotely negative about her. I almost never say anything about her at all unless he asks. And, then I try to stay neutral. And, I never ask about her when he gets back from visiting, only about what he did. But this time I slipped.

[trippi1432]

Don't beat yourself up...it's a slip, but it really depends on your son, his relationship with his mother and how he reacts. While you may not be in agreement on the meds for her....she may need them for one reason or another.

 

I would say, don't worry about it for now unless it becomes an issue of son repeating what he has heard. I wouldn't say anything again in the case there arises a rift between the son and mother (been there, done that one).

 

I've learned to bring my feelings here to these boards. Granted, there was a lot of anger on both of our parts in the beginning....you are doing fine. If this is the first slip, you are doing better than most.

[spriggig]

Thanks Tripp, I wasn't sure what to think about this. I'm glad it was you who responded.

[trippi1432]

You're welcome....anytime I can help.