Circular Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 As I've been going through my journey to break the bonds from my EA via NC and set my world right again as well as my M (sure I have bad days where I really miss my xAP but I know it was fleeting and I learned a lot from it and now I need to right what was wronged) as I've read so many threads in this and other forums a curious question came to me. It's that people enter these A's for different reasons and those reasons cover a broad spectrum of things - some are PAs, some are EAs, some start as one and transform into another. For me though it was all about chemistry, sure my xAP filled a lot of gaps but way before I knew anything about what gaps she would fill it was all about chemistry. A few folks even joked about it because they thought it was so odd that when we were around each other it was obvious, yet during those early years we barely talked, barely knew each other, we just had this flow between us. So hard to actually explain in words; sometimes the thought comes to mind: it was like we didn't know each other but somehow had known each other our entire lives. As I've posted before, I'd only experienced this once before in my entire life. I was a teenager, I met this girl at a party and it was inexplicable how few words we exchanged but how much fundamentally there was between us. By the end of the night after chatting and hanging out with her I was terrified by all the thoughts that were going through my mind. So terrified by it that I never spoke to her again, even though she tried to arrange meeting me through our mutual friend at the time One of my truly few regrets. I never experienced this again until I met my xAP and after many years when we finally talked about it she told me that she had the same exact experience. Like it was just 'meant to be' that she never doubted how we 'fit together' like a hand in a glove. Like we had known each other for our whole lives. We just instinctively knew how to be around each other. Sure, what happened was wrong, I made a bad choice, she made a bad choice - but it was fueled by my curiosity to know what it was all about. It's why I don't regret what happened even though I don't agree what I did was right and I compromised my integrity, I just need to fix it now. It made me wonder though, how many folks here entered into their A's because of chemistry vs. physical or some other reasons?? I know for me that once it started I couldn't stop myself, that was a weakness but I also know that she was my Achilles, I knew that from the beginning (and how I prayed she didnt feel the same way I did).
Fallen Angel Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 As I've been going through my journey to break the bonds from my EA via NC and set my world right again as well as my M (sure I have bad days where I really miss my xAP but I know it was fleeting and I learned a lot from it and now I need to right what was wronged) as I've read so many threads in this and other forums a curious question came to me. It's that people enter these A's for different reasons and those reasons cover a broad spectrum of things - some are PAs, some are EAs, some start as one and transform into another. For me though it was all about chemistry, sure my xAP filled a lot of gaps but way before I knew anything about what gaps she would fill it was all about chemistry. A few folks even joked about it because they thought it was so odd that when we were around each other it was obvious, yet during those early years we barely talked, barely knew each other, we just had this flow between us. So hard to actually explain in words; sometimes the thought comes to mind: it was like we didn't know each other but somehow had known each other our entire lives. As I've posted before, I'd only experienced this once before in my entire life. I was a teenager, I met this girl at a party and it was inexplicable how few words we exchanged but how much fundamentally there was between us. By the end of the night after chatting and hanging out with her I was terrified by all the thoughts that were going through my mind. So terrified by it that I never spoke to her again, even though she tried to arrange meeting me through our mutual friend at the time One of my truly few regrets. I never experienced this again until I met my xAP and after many years when we finally talked about it she told me that she had the same exact experience. Like it was just 'meant to be' that she never doubted how we 'fit together' like a hand in a glove. Like we had known each other for our whole lives. We just instinctively knew how to be around each other. Sure, what happened was wrong, I made a bad choice, she made a bad choice - but it was fueled by my curiosity to know what it was all about. It's why I don't regret what happened even though I don't agree what I did was right and I compromised my integrity, I just need to fix it now. It made me wonder though, how many folks here entered into their A's because of chemistry vs. physical or some other reasons?? I know for me that once it started I couldn't stop myself, that was a weakness but I also know that she was my Achilles, I knew that from the beginning (and how I prayed she didn't feel the same way I did). I was once asked to describe what is was like when my sweetheart and I found each other. My response was and still is this... It was like I finally found the other half of my soul. He was the man I knew I loved completely, before I ever met him. Our meeting was fate, because we were always intended to love each other. I honestly believe that each of us have one certain someone who is our match in every way. Someone whose love we are always looking for, because without it we may be "whole", but are never truly "finished". I believe when you find that someone, it is a force that can not be denied. As I said before, you can deny the body the physical manifestation of that love, but you can not deny the heart that love. It will not be denied, even if it is never consummated with a physical act.
azsunshine Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Circular, I know exactly what you are speaking of!! I have not allowed myself to enter into the physical side of my connection with the MM in my life, but will not deny it is an emotional affair with the potential to head there.. That chemistry, that strong connection is what is unshakable. Like you, I have only felt that once in my life before. When you know.. you just KNOW. It is almost as if it is a soul recognition, a past life connection of some sort. There is something different about the other person that you just feel to your core. You feel as though you were meant to meet at that moment in time, and that moment changes you forever. As I have said before and truly I believe, you can find someone that is meant for you at the wrong time. Sometimes we cannot understand why we feel what we do..or why it is under circumstances that are less then ideal. The reasons they come into your life vary from fulfilling a need that you just cannot seem to fill, or to wake your soul up from just living day to day... I know I don't want to hurt anyone or end up hurt myself. I struggle between what is right by society's standards and a feeling that is in my heart. I never thought I would be here.. never. I am at a crossroads. Logically, I have the choice to end things as they stand and walk away never knowing or go with my heart..go with that chemistry that you speak of. I can tell you it is strong enough that it has kept us communicating over all these years. (He was not married that whole time, nor did I find out he was married until recently) At that point, I was overcome by emotions I could not deny. I don't know where either choice will lead. I know either way the road is hard, the future uncertain. I do understand a lot of what you speak of without having been through the physical side of things. It scares me to think of how much stronger that would make these feelings! I applaud the self reflection you are sharing with others and your attempt to fix what you can in your life to find peace. I am glad you do not regret the experience for it has brought you to where you are today. Hard as it may be, it is has taught you a lot.. I wish you the best of luck!!
Ella whispers Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Chemistry for me for sure. We were good friends and there was always an attraction but I was hesitant as I should have been. I still care a great deal for him and have no hard feelings. He had needs and so did I, we met those needs for a year and now we're done. He still calls and texts me, makes comments, but I blow him off. This way I win, at least in my head I do.
mourningMM Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I saw the back of his head, and his shoulders, and he shifted in his seat...which took my breath away. I just wanted to breath him in. It was powerful when I met him years ago, and the pull i just as strong today as it was then. I agree with FA can not deny the heart that love but I go further, ignore the soul connection and it will reach out and bite you in unexpected ways. The challenge is to honor the reality of the connection, while making healthy and safe choices for heart, mind, soul, and future. Some days I have that strength; others I don't. I wish chemistry were fiction, but most people who have felt it understand the depth and breath of the feeling.
Author Circular Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 (edited) I saw the back of his head, and his shoulders, and he shifted in his seat...which took my breath away. I just wanted to breath him in. It was powerful when I met him years ago, and the pull i just as strong today as it was then. I agree with FA but I go further, ignore the soul connection and it will reach out and bite you in unexpected ways. The challenge is to honor the reality of the connection, while making healthy and safe choices for heart, mind, soul, and future. Some days I have that strength; others I don't. I wish chemistry were fiction, but most people who have felt it understand the depth and breath of the feeling. In my nearly 50 years I can say that there is nothing that compares, it's like I want to consume it. When I met her it was indescribable what I felt and being a MM it completely through me for a loop. And, like mentioned above, it was the way she held herself and walked - I remember just wanting to hold her. When she left for those few years I remember the last time I saw her, like yesterday. I remember saying to myself "this can't be the end", and it wasn't it was only a piece of what would become the future. It became why I believed in fate, something I denied deeply before as complete happenstance and fallacey. I still have that feeling, even though it's over. She was the first woman I ever saw myself old with, with kids, crazy, but oh so true. I know I need to move on, it's sooooo incredibly hard though. I appreciate your replies so far...somehow it's helping me through the letting go process. Oddly, in the last 20 years only two things have rocked me so deeply - the death of my dog 6 years ago and the loss and letting go of her. Edited July 4, 2010 by Circular
mourningMM Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 And it twists and turns unexpectedly. The chemistry between the two of you is a special thing, but you made a choice in your marriage before her. And you made the choice to honor your commitment. I'm certain that she respects and understands that. She may love others, you may love your wife. But that doesn't mean that the two of you aren't connected. Denying the connection leaves you open to thinking you can get together "just as friends". Don't kid yourself, or let her kid herself. If you are in the same room, you will want to touch her. That is where we suggest NC is the only option at the end of most A. You need to dig through your own sh*t without her. If you love your wife, then focus on that. If you have children, focus on that. If you are a churchgoer, focus on that. If you have none of those supports, get a therapist. Look hard at your marriage, find your way back emotionally and physically to the place where you made the decision to commit to your wife. Let the future and fate take care of themselves. YOU need to take care of YOU, and the people who rely on you. And if you discover that you have a broken marriage, own it without any reference to her, or to chemistry in your mind. Because KARMA IS A B*TCH. Leaving one woman/family for another is shaky ground for a relationship. Be honest with yourself, and your wife. And do not reach out to a woman you love, unless you have an empty ring finger and are capable of meeting her in the light of day, in front of your family, honoring her value in your life. If my X had done that, I would have respected him more. My exMM did that, and returned to his family; I am proud of him. The man with my soul-connection, he ran from it and married another. He's not happy and it is so unfair to the woman he married; I'm so sad for her and for him. I wish he and I had never reconnected thinking we could be friends; what we do has fleeting moments of pleasure. But for the most part it is just disappointing and sad. I want all of him, but he doesn't have the right to give that to me. I deserve that. And I hope that somehow, in this life I have the chance to get what I deserve. But I feel guilty; and he feels guilty. I doubt that I will get my happy ending; but I have faith that everything will turn out the way it should in the end. I feel for you, and for her, and even for your wife (the unknowing victim). I will pray for all of us.
OWoman Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I don't believe a R is sustainable without chemistry. When I first met my H, everything said YES! But because of my nature, I didn't act on it until I'd checked him out very thoroughly, over more than a year. All the information I gleaned supported my initial interest. Everything added up. It works, wonderfully, all these years later. Without the chemistry it would have shrivelled like a post-coital penis. When you find chemistry, enjoy it. It's what gives life texture, flavour and colour. Without chemistry we'd all be accountants.
Fallen Angel Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I don't believe a R is sustainable without chemistry. When I first met my H, everything said YES! But because of my nature, I didn't act on it until I'd checked him out very thoroughly, over more than a year. All the information I gleaned supported my initial interest. Everything added up. It works, wonderfully, all these years later. Without the chemistry it would have shrivelled like a post-coital penis. When you find chemistry, enjoy it. It's what gives life texture, flavour and colour. Without chemistry we'd all be accountants. :lmao::lmao::lmao: (ten characters required!) aaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha! You certainly have a way with words OWoman!
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