Intimate with a coworker.. Like him now

[rose45]

Well i have been at this company for a few years..i always thought this one guy was good looking and had a good personality as well..just genuinly friendly it seems and very good at work--remains focused and motivated..he is pretty popular in the office as well..does get attention and i am very quiet..i socialize here and there but mostly just shy.

 

I have been kind of down lately at work, not looking good more than usual..different problems going on..he actually approached me casually last week and asked are u ok? and i said yea and he was like are you sure, you promise? and i didn't really say anything to that..he then approached me later and like sat on the opposite end of me and said i am more quiet than usual and he knows something is wrong and he offered to take me out for a drink to talk..and i said maybe..and he said he would ask again before leaving..it turns out a coworkers offered him baseball tickets though which of course he should go to and he did..no hard feelings there since i didn't even completely agree anyway.

 

We went out the other night with coworkers..for some reason i had it in my head where i wanted to get to be alone with him..i think some part of me always had a little crush on him but most times at work i know that i look bad b/c i don't spend alot of time getting ready in the morning.

 

The night we were going out i came to work i think looking pretty so i would be a little more confident etc...And for some reason I did have it in my head that i wanted to kiss him tonight and spend time with him...i really didn't think it would happen though or if he was even attracted to me...towards the end of the evening he approached me and said something and then said do i want to do a shot and i said sure..so we wind up at the bar by ourselves..it looked like most of the coworkers left..it seems like he was attracted to me..he placed his hand on my back once, leaned in closer when i couldnt hear what he was saying where he was pretty close to my mouth..He was talking about going home to have another drink rather than be at the bar til closing and i casually said i would go with u and join you..which is pretty brazen i guess..i said it once or twice and he said you are welcome to come if you want. I was at his place once before as a group and of course nothing happened.

 

When we left i didn't think it was going to happen but he got a cab and opened the door for me and we both got in and headed to his place. I just felt [COLOR=#990000]comfortable[/COLOR] with him i guess..we did wind up making out at his place..the kisses seemed more sensual and soft..but before anything happened we were laying down together and he said my name and like what am i doing here in a casual/nice way..and i said do you want me to go and he said no if i didn't want you here i wouldn't have invited you. And i said i just wanted to spend time with you. I don't know who kissed who first but i really enjoyed it..I also was not very drunk or anything..i might have been buzzed but i drank a few glasses of water as well so i think i was more relaxed etc. but i wasn't helpless

Things got somewhat physical but nothing where i need to have a test done or anything..my clothes stayed on;his didn't for the most part.. i remained strong with my will power not to sleep with him even though i wanted to.

I feel like i was too emotional though and maybe that took a lot of points away from me?....maybe i should have had more fun with the situation and joked more...i felt like i blew it with me saying i just wanted to spend time with u, when we kissed i put my emotions in it..i touched his face while we kissed, kissed his neck. Is that too much or just a kissing style?....

 

When we were laying on the bed and i sat up to look at him he was being [COLOR=#990000]sweet[/COLOR]..he kept playing with my hair and pushing it out of my face and tucked it behind my ear..he did say that he was concerned about me the past few days and i said well ur the only one..noone else notices and he said maybe they aren't looking...i also said to him well i guess you are attracted to me. I also moined that tiny slightly bit like that feels good when we kissed..he joked later saying good for me with my willpower lol..i was also pretty guarded not letting him do certain things like take my top off etc..and was nervous as well i guess which he pointed out but not in a mean way. He just said you are nervous

 

We spoke about how the next day was going to be and he said it is going to be weird and he almost feels bad but he gets the sense i wanted to come here tonight too and it wasn't just him and i agreed..and he said but i will come in, in the morning and say what i always say to you and you will say the same. When laying down he did kissed my forehead once, he did tell me i am very pretty.

 

I think i hinted at wanting to hang out again or talk etc but i don't think he was completely open like ok here is my number lets hang out again soon which kind of disappointed me. I did ask if he had wanted to sleep with me tonight and he said he would have done whatever i wanted to do. He said it wasn't like a master plan to get me here though and wanted me to know that. He did try to push things along when we were making out but not in this aggressive type way. I told him i did want to sleep with him as well.

 

The next day we came in like normal..he said the things he usually said to me..later on he asked if we were cool and i said yea..when i left i said goodnight to him and the person he shares the room with but as walking by we locked eyes for that second.

 

i also hate how i forgot to shave this morning b/c i was tired and at one point we kind of ran into each other and he was behind me walking and later on i noticed i missed a big spot on the back of my leg and i almost freaked out thinking maybe he saw that..my friend said what are the chances he is noticing hair on your legs. I also have vericose veins.

 

Regardless..was i too emotional with the things i said and did? i kind of wish i can hang out with him again but it doesn't look like that is going to happen..i just wanted to spend more time with him regardless of where it led...

Now i think i have a bigger crush on him and keep thinking about kissing him again..that night would have been perfect for us to exchange numbers but it didn't happen and i guess this was just a one time thing.

[deux ex machina]

...Regardless..was i too emotional with the things i said and did? i kind of wish i can hang out with him again but it doesn't look like that is going to happen..i just wanted to spend more time with him regardless of where it led...

 

I don't know if you were too emotional with him or not. It reads to me like everything went too far, too fast - more an intense situation than anything to do with you, specifically.

 

In reading through what he said...there's a possibility that he felt that things got out hand, and he was worried about what effect this would have on everything.

Edited July 3, 2010 by deux ex machina

[jenifer1972]

What is his overall reputation? Is he known as a player? You sound very vulnerable, and I think he may have sensed your earnest crush on him. When he sensed your intense emotions so soon, he may have decided to back pedal a bit. The beginning of relationships can be very tricky. I could be wrong, but it kind of sounds like he was taking advantage of your vulnerability.

[rose45]

He does genuinly seem like a good guy overall..i think if he has a g/f he has one but i could be wrong b/c people can be different outside work so who knows

 

I also knew what i was doing..i wasn't vulnerable with tears or anything..i wanted to be close to him, i wanted to kiss him..but i wish something else could develop even if its friendship outside the office.

 

Was i too emotional? Should i have had more fun with the situation and then maybe he would have wanted to hang out again? A much older friend..almost 40..said you are young..do what your heart tells you..you can't run your life with a script all the time.

 

I don't really know if what i did was too "emotional" such as when he asked what am i doing here i just simply said i wanted to spend time with you, kissing him in a sensual slow way while also touching his face, showing interest in wanting to hang out again

[jenifer1972]

What I mean by vulnerable, was that you clearly were going through a rough time because he could see it and asked about it, and then instead of being a real friend the situation turned sexual, with you kind of resisting and holding your ground. I think it is a mistake to jump in too deep too soon in relationships. The first dates should be casual, fun, and in neutral nonsexual territory (not where there is a bedroom) if you want a relationship to build and a guy to like you for YOU, and not just for SEX. They all want sex, and they will all PUSH for it early, but it is rarely of benefit to let it go that way, unless you just want a fling. Better to be good friends first, and then lovers, rather than sexual partners, and then trying to get him to fall in love with you and care for you as a friend.

[rose45]

i also joked how he will be fine tomorrow and saying i'm the sensitive one etc..

 

i dunno if that was bad to say as well..i hope he doesn't remember all of this stuff....

[jenifer1972]

Just be cool and self deprecating too, and act like you don't remember half of it either and that you don't know what came over you, must have been over tired!

[rose45]

do i not give him anymore attention now? sometimes i feel like we would give each other look like maybe we are attracted to each other or something...don't go to anymore outings? there haven't been too many actually that i was aware of anyway

[Joe Normal]

I could be wrong, but it kind of sounds like he was taking advantage of your vulnerability.

 

Why do you assume it's him that was taking advantage, not her? Or that anyone was taking advantage at all? This was two consenting adults, remember - not Casanova and a 16 year old virgin.

[jenifer1972]

Why do you assume it's him that was taking advantage, not her? Or that anyone was taking advantage at all? This was two consenting adults, remember - not Casanova and a 16 year old virgin.

 

 

Where to start!....because she is wearing her heart on her sleeve and being waay too trusting of someone she hardly knows, who wanted to get sexual with her very quickly. Because everything about the way she posts tells me she is young and not worldly wise to people who could take advantage of her. I would say the same thing if a young guy had posted this story.

[rose45]

hey,

 

sorry guys but i personally do not think i was taken advantage in the guy's defense..i think i do have a decent amount of common sense..i knew what i was doing and was probably buzzed but i was not drunk to the point where i didn't know what was happening..i was upset over some things prior to that but that night i had a decent time and i actually had it in my head that i wanted to kiss him that night..i didn't think it was going to happen but it did

 

now i am more concerned with getting to spend more time with him.

 

He is good friends with this guy in the office who is kind of a player but he is a funny guy and something about him i can see girls liking..they hang out on the weekends even. We joke around but i was thinking of maybe trying to talk more to this friend and maybe i will be invited to some outings possibly where the guy i like will be there..its a gamble b/c it could work or not..or maybe try to get the other guy jealous

 

but maybe the fact is we are coworkers and its a small place and he probably doesn't want to ruin his reputation..

[norajane]

I don't think he took advantage of you, but he did take advantage of the moment - a late night drinking, and a girl who offers to go to his place.

 

You also took advantage of the moment - you wanted to kiss him, so you invited yourself to his place for another drink.

 

I'm sorry to say, I think that's all it was for him. You have a crush on him, but he views you as this pretty girl at work who made herself available for some kissing. At this time, he's not interested in anything more, or he would have said or done something by now: He'd have been talking to you at work the next day, and more than just in passing to make sure you were "cool". He'd have been flirting with you. He'd have asked you out.

 

Asking if you were "cool", means it was casual to him. That's not what a guy says if he's developing a crush. That's what a guy says when he expects it to never be spoken of again.

 

If you're cool with casual, fine. It can happen again, some other night when you invite yourself to his place, and then you might go further. But if you want a relationship, back off and look for that with some other guy.

[harmfulsweetz]

I don't think he took advantage of you, but he did take advantage of the moment - a late night drinking, and a girl who offers to go to his place.

 

You also took advantage of the moment - you wanted to kiss him, so you invited yourself to his place for another drink.

 

I'm sorry to say, I think that's all it was for him. You have a crush on him, but he views you as this pretty girl at work who made herself available for some kissing. At this time, he's not interested in anything more, or he would have said or done something by now: He'd have been talking to you at work the next day, and more than just in passing to make sure you were "cool". He'd have been flirting with you. He'd have asked you out.

 

Asking if you were "cool", means it was casual to him. That's not what a guy says if he's developing a crush. That's what a guy says when he expects it to never be spoken of again.

 

If you're cool with casual, fine. It can happen again, some other night when you invite yourself to his place, and then you might go further. But if you want a relationship, back off and look for that with some other guy.

 

 

Spot on.

 

I definitely don't think he took advantage of you, or anything like that. I think he's a guy, you wanted to kiss him, took him up on his offer for shots, and then invited yourself to his for a drink, and you kissed.

 

But as norajane rightly pointed out, the next day he didn't flirt with you, ask you out or anything, which indicates that kissing was all it was, maybe he was hopeful for a little more (i.e. sex). He was asking if things were cool between you so that there is no awkwardness etc. I've been there too, liked a guy at work, kissed him at a social outing then be told or shown that it was all it was. Not to worry. It happens.

 

I wouldn't read too much into his actions unless he expressly asks you out, or shows interest...i.e. invites you to another outing etc. But that could easily be a casual thing.

[JennaLee]

I don't think he was taking advantage. Maybe he feels the way you are feeling? Maybe he's scared? Take it slow. Start talking to him more in office, not like, obsessive amounts, but just more than you do.

[rose45]

what would he be scared of though?

[JennaLee]

what would he be scared of though?

 

Having any romantic relationship with a coworker can be trouble. Maybe he's put off by it. Who knows?

[rose45]

so i guess he doesn't really like me and it was just a one night thing?

 

i guess something like this even if it was short term is somehting i would have wanted right now..and now i have a little crush on him

[O'Malley]

He's not scared, he just doesn't want to hurt your feelings by admitting there's no genuine interest on his part.

 

 

I'm sorry to say, I think that's all it was for him. You have a crush on him, but he views you as this pretty girl at work who made herself available for some kissing. At this time, he's not interested in anything more, or he would have said or done something by now: He'd have been talking to you at work the next day, and more than just in passing to make sure you were "cool". He'd have been flirting with you. He'd have asked you out.

 

Asking if you were "cool", means it was casual to him. That's not what a guy says if he's developing a crush. That's what a guy says when he expects it to never be spoken of again.

 

It's normal to have a crush on someone unattainable, but the reality is that this guy was only willing to offer you a few crumbs. Do you truly want to settle for that?

 

Match your behavior to his -- treat him as you would any other co-worker. Don't seek him out unless it's work related. Don't even think of trying to make him jealous (as it won't work anyway).

[txsilkysmoothe]

You should be very relieved you didn't have sex with him. You would really feel bad right now. Don't try to worm your way into his company. If he wanted to ask you out, he would. Treat it like it's in the past because it is.

[rose45]

feel kind of down about it...feels like rejection even though you can say i rejected him because i didn't sleep with him..

 

[Gattica]

Best off never dating a coworker. I have been there and done that and it really is a very uncomfortable situation if it doesn't work out. I would just move on.

[rose45]

i wish i could spend more time with him...

 

it seems like he is an outgoing, pretty confident down to earth guy..i would think he would test things out in some way or even simply ask are you ok with what happened? and find out in some way if i was available...

 

i wish i would have been more outoging from the beginning with him but i never was..which sucks..even that night before it happened and everything he said you can always come talk to me you know if you need to talk..

 

He was in his friends office today talking and i think they were exchanging stories etc, girls whatever it was..i heard my crush say i really wanted to ask her out etc...so that made me basically think well i guess that ends that because i highly highly doubt he was referring to me especially at work or that he even told the guy what happened between us because it can get spread around...

 

at the end of the day i walked by like usual and said goodnight, have a good weekend and i said his name and we looked at each other as i was walking by and he said good night and my name...i guess sometimes a look is just a look..maybe us making eye contact as we say goodbye means nothing...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Well i have been at this company for a few years..i always thought this one guy was good looking and had a good personality as well..just genuinly friendly it seems and very good at work--remains focused and motivated..he is pretty popular in the office as well..does get attention and i am very quiet..i socialize here and there but mostly just shy.

 

I have been kind of down lately at work, not looking good more than usual..different problems going on..he actually approached me casually last week and asked are u ok? and i said yea and he was like are you sure, you promise? and i didn't really say anything to that..he then approached me later and like sat on the opposite end of me and said i am more quiet than usual and he knows something is wrong and he offered to take me out for a drink to talk..and i said maybe..and he said he would ask again before leaving..it turns out a coworkers offered him baseball tickets though which of course he should go to and he did..no hard feelings there since i didn't even completely agree anyway.

 

We went out the other night with coworkers..for some reason i had it in my head where i wanted to get to be alone with him..i think some part of me always had a little crush on him but most times at work i know that i look bad b/c i don't spend alot of time getting ready in the morning.

 

The night we were going out i came to work i think looking pretty so i would be a little more confident etc...And for some reason I did have it in my head that i wanted to kiss him tonight and spend time with him...i really didn't think it would happen though or if he was even attracted to me...towards the end of the evening he approached me and said something and then said do i want to do a shot and i said sure..so we wind up at the bar by ourselves..it looked like most of the coworkers left..it seems like he was attracted to me..he placed his hand on my back once, leaned in closer when i couldnt hear what he was saying where he was pretty close to my mouth..He was talking about going home to have another drink rather than be at the bar til closing and i casually said i would go with u and join you..which is pretty brazen i guess..i said it once or twice and he said you are welcome to come if you want. I was at his place once before as a group and of course nothing happened.

 

When we left i didn't think it was going to happen but he got a cab and opened the door for me and we both got in and headed to his place. I just felt [COLOR=#990000]comfortable[/COLOR] with him i guess..we did wind up making out at his place..the kisses seemed more sensual and soft..but before anything happened we were laying down together and he said my name and like what am i doing here in a casual/nice way..and i said do you want me to go and he said no if i didn't want you here i wouldn't have invited you. And i said i just wanted to spend time with you. I don't know who kissed who first but i really enjoyed it..I also was not very drunk or anything..i might have been buzzed but i drank a few glasses of water as well so i think i was more relaxed etc. but i wasn't helpless

Things got somewhat physical but nothing where i need to have a test done or anything..my clothes stayed on;his didn't for the most part.. i remained strong with my will power not to sleep with him even though i wanted to.

I feel like i was too emotional though and maybe that took a lot of points away from me?....maybe i should have had more fun with the situation and joked more...i felt like i blew it with me saying i just wanted to spend time with u, when we kissed i put my emotions in it..i touched his face while we kissed, kissed his neck. Is that too much or just a kissing style?....

 

When we were laying on the bed and i sat up to look at him he was being [COLOR=#990000]sweet[/COLOR]..he kept playing with my hair and pushing it out of my face and tucked it behind my ear..he did say that he was concerned about me the past few days and i said well ur the only one..noone else notices and he said maybe they aren't looking...i also said to him well i guess you are attracted to me. I also moined that tiny slightly bit like that feels good when we kissed..he joked later saying good for me with my willpower lol..i was also pretty guarded not letting him do certain things like take my top off etc..and was nervous as well i guess which he pointed out but not in a mean way. He just said you are nervous

 

We spoke about how the next day was going to be and he said it is going to be weird and he almost feels bad but he gets the sense i wanted to come here tonight too and it wasn't just him and i agreed..and he said but i will come in, in the morning and say what i always say to you and you will say the same. When laying down he did kissed my forehead once, he did tell me i am very pretty.

 

I think i hinted at wanting to hang out again or talk etc but i don't think he was completely open like ok here is my number lets hang out again soon which kind of disappointed me. I did ask if he had wanted to sleep with me tonight and he said he would have done whatever i wanted to do. He said it wasn't like a master plan to get me here though and wanted me to know that. He did try to push things along when we were making out but not in this aggressive type way. I told him i did want to sleep with him as well.

 

The next day we came in like normal..he said the things he usually said to me..later on he asked if we were cool and i said yea..when i left i said goodnight to him and the person he shares the room with but as walking by we locked eyes for that second.

 

i also hate how i forgot to shave this morning b/c i was tired and at one point we kind of ran into each other and he was behind me walking and later on i noticed i missed a big spot on the back of my leg and i almost freaked out thinking maybe he saw that..my friend said what are the chances he is noticing hair on your legs. I also have vericose veins.

 

Regardless..was i too emotional with the things i said and did? i kind of wish i can hang out with him again but it doesn't look like that is going to happen..i just wanted to spend more time with him regardless of where it led...

Now i think i have a bigger crush on him and keep thinking about kissing him again..that night would have been perfect for us to exchange numbers but it didn't happen and i guess this was just a one time thing.

 

 

 

To me, this reads as if it were describing a baseball pitcher having thrown a "perfect game". Instead of mere outs and innings, we were treated not only to balls and strikes, but also the descriptive detail related to what signal the catcher was giving, and the pitcher touching the rosin bag, as well as the 3rd base coach carefully stepping over the chalk line in superstitious fashion.

 

THIS was a well-played, very suitable evening, with both parties having paid very important attention to many factors that matters. I believe that it went quite suitably from BOTH angles, and that even if the guy didn't rush to the office and cup his hands over your breasts near the water cooler the next day, you should expect that with just a little (OBVIOUSness) from you, he would be quite happy to take you on a formal 'date'.

 

(now I'll read the rest of the thread...)

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Geez, I don't like the direction this thread is taking, and it is almost as if the OP is guiding herSELF in this direction (with far too much assistance from many posters).

 

IF I were (Rose's) life long female friend, giving her advice, I would swing my foot at the back of Rose's skirt and insist that she make herself (CLEARLY) vulnerable to the office guy in the way of asking HIM out!!!

 

By this point given the evolution you've described, it is of greatest importance that you find out for certain whether there could be anything there. Do NOT fall victim yet again to your shy and hesitant ways. You clearly shared INTIMACY with this guy, and that gesture allows you to make a MOVE without feeling additionally at-risk.

 

IF six months down the line you have to live with having asked him out (again) directly, and having been declined, then that is going to be OK. IF however, you evolve to have "never really known" (whether his lack of {rushing to grab your boobs at the water cooler the next day} was because he thought YOU weren't into him)... then that is unacceptable!!

 

Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu need to follow through so that the future you can "know" (for better or for worse) whether he is into you as well.

 

Do NOT assume that he isn't into you at all (just because you can't see a bulge in his pants at the office).

 

 

(some of my scenario was, obviously, enhanced for the sake of emphasizing the underlying point)

[Feelin Frisky]

Nothing struck me from what you wrote to be anything but normal awkwardness that such a situation often entails and a second-guessing of yourself into perhaps an emotional state of semi-chaos. Should I have done this? What did he mean by that? Did I blow it? Blah, blah, blah.

 

If you're really into this guy but don't want to be seen by the nosy fux at the office, perhaps you might pick out a nice greeting card and put it on his desk. I don't go for texting or e-mail in such situations because they seem lazy and a bit cowardly. But a small and nice greeting card that might be designed for a man might allow you to say something like "just wanted you to know I can't get you out of my mind" followed by "can we talk?" add your phone number. If he acts favorably and you get to talk you can express your concern that you were nervous last time. Let him initiate though (ask you out). If by the end of your conversation he doesn't ask, you should straight out ask him if there's any chance we can see each other again. Try not to let butterflies in your stomach interfere--you have an objective: to find out if he's into seeing you or not. It's better to know than wonder forever after if you "blew it" (which has a tendency to kinda self recriminate yourself that you did in fact blow it).

 

About that greeting card idea, don't try to write anything in it about your worries or start apologizing etc. Just say "I've been thinking about you a lot, can we talk?" or something like that. You don't want to make yourself look neurotic or desperate.