A Parents loss...

[Tayla]

This thread comes about due to an endearing co worker of mine losing her child during childbirth last evening. As much as the overwhelming pain comes and goes for her, I wanted to share some things NOT to say or do.

 

Do not say " You can have others"...

"God has a bigger plan for you"

" Given time you'll get OVER this"

" I had a (insert relative) that went thru this, they survived"- The grieving parent doesnt want it to be about you or your family saga...they are the one going thru it.

 

" You lost it because ( insert any lame medical or personal habit they had during pregnancy)" THey do not need a "reason", they need support to deal with the here and now.

 

'There are worst things to lose"

"Be thankful this happened now and not a year from now when he/she created memories"....(Yes MY boss said this, Mr Sunshine that he is has no clue what a heartbreak this is for a woman to bear a child and lose it before it can so much as share a day in the arms of his/her mother"

 

Why am I mentioning these things....because this is what she called me about this afternoon , sitting alone in her hospital room and questioning the loss and where folks get off saying such things....Granted she is beside herself but she is right in her perspective. So to those who are female and carried that child you know where I am coming from, The love and the cherishment started at conception...to lose a child is the GREATEST bereavement to confront. May it not happen, but if it does, be kind to the mother, she doesn't want the statements above, she wants the listening skills of a friend and the embracement of ones arms when its just too much.

We owe it to mankind to be our brother keepers during this.....

[D-Lish]

I know what you mean about the reactive staple comments people make in reaction to other people's devastation.

 

My bro and sis-in-law lost their first baby during childbirth.

 

I found people to be lost and sometimes inconsiderate in their responses. Every religious person pushed the lame god comments, even though both are Atheists. My cousin and his wife showed up with their brand new healthy baby to the wake- which absolutely crushed them. I find people don't think in situations like this, but they also don't know how to react, so they often say the wrong things.

 

My reaction to loss is to offer my support and ask what I can do for them. I find there is always something they might need- even just listening is a huge offer.

 

I am sure your friend is appreciative of your ear- honestly, it's one of the best forms of support- simply listening.

[KikiW]

Agreed. I cannot fathom the loss and would probably be one to simply stay away rather than accidentally say something insensitive, which is also not the best tactic either. All I can imagine is that these people just don't know what else to say and are trying their best.

 

Please forward my sincerest condolences any my best wishes that they find comfort in whatever form works best for them (with the gentle stipulation that it doesn't hurt themselves or others of course). Perhaps you could find the phone number of a local support group that may be of assistance, just to have it on hand if they think it might be what they need.

[Tayla]

Thank you for the responses! Its a relief that there are good folks that have hearts to listen and arms to comfort.

 

Sorry to hear D-Lish about your family loss as well. It does impact the entire family members and friends.

 

I will share with her the condolences expressed.

[melodymatters]

Oh Tayla, how awful, there are no words ! Maybe find a board devoted to this sort of loss that you can direct her too.

 

I know when I was widowed last year, the young widow bulletin board helped a lot ! Other people will move on much faster than you will, so having a group of people who completely understand, where you can post day or night is a good resource.

 

Again, my sincere condlences to your friend and her family.