OWoman Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Not trying to be controversial here; genuine question: are there other posts by the OP that prove she is selfish in all areas of her life and is incapable of showing any kindness to others in any capacity or circumstance? I have always believed that good people can do bad things, and vice versa, but am wondering if there's more to this thread that I'm not aware of because I'm so new to LS. Thanks for any help. To some, merely being an OW is enough to cast you into the pit of perdition forever, irredeemably lost. You could be a Nobel Peace laureate, single-handedly responsible for ending war in the Middle East, ending famine in Africa and corruption in politics - but if you've ever dropped your knickers for a married man, you are pure unadulterated evil in the eyes of those who Judge
her_halo_slipped Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I had a really good career opportunity a few months before my A with xMOM began. I enjoyed the work. I could be good at it, but also don't really know if it's where I should be going. There are things that I dislike about that work environment, but I enjoyed the challenge too. Now, a year after DDay, I have lost my job because I have been too distracted/broken hearted to give it what was necessary. Is there no end to the toll this A will take on my life? It's one thing to lose your job, another to understand you have not been able to fulfill career goals because you were involved in a love A. (It's the love part that made me under-achieve - takes off your focus if it's with a MM). Plus H's anger after DDay made it hard to deal with my work. Is this my Karma? Even if it is WW and it feels awful right now,just remember that when one door closes another opens. You have lost this job but instead of looking it as a negative because of your A try to see it as a positive moving forward. The universe has a brilliant way of placing us exactly where we are meant to be in any given moment. That job was just not right for you and now the universe/ fate/ karma has opened the door for a new better fit experience to make it's way to you. a patient and relaxed approached is best. Sit back and just wait and see what unfolds. You might be pleasantly suprised.
jj33 Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Wheelwright so sorry you are having a hard time. It will get brighter. You may not see your new path just yet but it will get better. Big hugs jj
ComputerJock Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 WW been following your posts. Did you husband fire you too? Hope not, seemed a one in a millon guy.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Well overall I've put in to others a hundred times what I've got out. If only life were so simple!! I always say, "It ain't over til the fat lady sings." I say that for two reasons. First, because I believe what the Bible says. It says we should "not be not deceived, G-d is not mocked. Whatever a man sows, that shall he also reap." I believe that to be true. I also believe it because over the years I have observed it to be true. I have seen evil people prosper, over and over again, until one day . . . The evil they did comes back on them in Spades. I have felt just like you - I give and give and give - and reap nothing. Then one day, when I really, really need it, 30 years later, I get back 1000 times what I have given, in so many different areas. It may seem like nothing good ever comes back to you - but wait. In time, all the good you do WILL come back to you, heaped up and running over! Fortunately, when we mess up, G-d is much more merciful than we are! I believe He tries to protect us from the wrongs we commit, and gives us chance after chance to rectify our wrongs. We do wrong; we suffer natural consequences of our choices; hopefully, we learn; we do better next time.
H1N1 Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I had a really good career opportunity a few months before my A with xMOM began. I enjoyed the work. I could be good at it, but also don't really know if it's where I should be going. There are things that I dislike about that work environment, but I enjoyed the challenge too. Now, a year after DDay, I have lost my job because I have been too distracted/broken hearted to give it what was necessary. Is there no end to the toll this A will take on my life? It's one thing to lose your job, another to understand you have not been able to fulfill career goals because you were involved in a love A. (It's the love part that made me under-achieve - takes off your focus if it's with a MM). Plus H's anger after DDay made it hard to deal with my work. Is this my Karma? Affairs are indicative of a complete lack of personal discipline. Perhaps this lack of discipline has crept into other areas of your life? The lesson to be learned is, self control.
Susmay Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I always say, "It ain't over til the fat lady sings." I say that for two reasons. First, because I believe what the Bible says. ... I couldn't resist this... Where in the bible I wonder?
Fieldsofgold Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Well overall I've put in to others a hundred times what I've got out. If only life were so simple!! I always say, "It ain't over til the fat lady sings." I say that for two reasons. First, because I believe what the Bible says. It says we should "not be not deceived, G-d is not mocked. Whatever a man sows, that shall he also reap." I believe that to be true. I also believe it because over the years I have observed it to be true. I have seen evil people prosper, over and over again, until one day . . . The evil they did comes back on them in Spades. I have felt just like you - I give and give and give - and reap nothing. Then one day, when I really, really need it, 30 years later, I get back 1000 times what I have given, in so many different areas. It may seem like nothing good ever comes back to you - but wait. In time, all the good you do WILL come back to you, heaped up and running over! Fortunately, when we mess up, G-d is much more merciful than we are! I believe He tries to protect us from the wrongs we commit, and gives us chance after chance to rectify our wrongs. We do wrong; we suffer consequences of our choices; hopefully, we learn; we do better next time. WW, this really could be the start of a wonderful new direction in your life - a new beginning. Sometimes things that are not good for us have to be removed from our lives. Sometimes we can't recognize until maybe years later that those things weren't good for us, or maybe just weren't "the best" for us. This could be an opportunity for better things in your life. A new beginning. Seize it and make the most of it.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I couldn't resist this... Where in the bible I wonder? Galatians 6:7
Fieldsofgold Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Sorry for the duplicate post - slow Internet tonight. The important thing is . . . "WW, this really could be the start of a wonderful new direction in your life - a new beginning. Sometimes things that are not good for us have to be removed from our lives. Sometimes we can't recognize until maybe years later that those things weren't good for us, or maybe just weren't "the best" for us. This could be an opportunity for better things in your life. A new beginning. Seize it and make the most of it."
Susmay Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Galatians 6:7 Not much singing, or many fat ladies there that I can find.
Fallen Angel Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 (edited) It says we should "not be not deceived, G-d is not mocked. Can I ask a question that is a bit of a thread jack, but I have been curious for awhile? Why do you not type out the word God? When I see G-d typed like that it takes my mind to the phrase God Damn, which I assume is not the intent for you typing it that way. But that was how my family always "cussed without cussing" around me as a child. I hope my question does not offend, I am just curious if there is some religious reason behind not typing out the word God. Now, back on thread. WW, again there is no such thing as the universe punishing you for your misdeeds. Do not allow yourself to believe that. Believing that does two things. The first is, it absolves you of any real fault in what happened, except for the affair. What I mean is, it allows you to become complacent, thinking "Well, it is karma, not that I neglected my duties. Not that I allowed myself to wear my personal life on my professional sleeves." etc etc. The truth is not that the Gods and the universe are not conspiring against you. The truth is that you screwed up. So what? You made some mistakes. Big deal! It happens to EVERYONE. No one is infallible. As long as you learn from the mistakes you made, then there is no reason to beat yourself up for it. The second thing that harbouring a belief that all that goes wrong in your life is karma because of the horrible, evil deeds you have committed is that it does not hold you accountable for your future happiness either!! I mean, after all, if the Gods and the universe are conspiring to punish you, then nothing you can do will make it any better. Right? WRONG! It is up to you to build the road you will walk. The universe will not build it for you. If you want better, then you have to get off your butt and go out and make it happen. And I have complete faith that you can and will do just that. P.S. I also want to interject that the angry, vengeful God that would curse you with plauges is an Old Testamnet God that doesn't exist in that form anymore. Once his son died for our sins, forgiveness and mercy was granted to all of us, just for the humble act of sincerely seeking it. God, at least the Christian God that I know, is a loving and forgiving father, who opens his heart and his arms to all that seek him. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise, my friend. Edited July 5, 2010 by Fallen Angel
Fieldsofgold Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Can I ask a question that is a bit of a thread jack, but I have been curious for awhile? Why do you not type out the word God? When I see G-d typed like that it takes my mind to the phrase God Damn, which I assume is not the intent for you typing it that way. But that was how my family always "cussed without cussing" around me as a child. I hope my question does not offend, I am just curious if there is some religious reason behind not typing out the word God. Now, back on thread. It is up to you to build the road you will walk. The universe will not build it for you. If you want better, then you have to get off your butt and go out and make it happen. And I have complete faith that you can and will do just that. God, at least the Christian God that I know, is a loving and forgiving father, who opens his heart and his arms to all that seek him. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise, my friend. http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/166899/jewish/Why-Dont-You-Spell-Out-G-ds-Name.htm "We do not write G-d's name in a place where it may be discarded or erased. Treating G-d's name with reverence is a way to give respect to G-d. So even though on a computer the name is not really being erased (and perhaps is not really there in the first place), and "G-d" is only an English term used to translate G-d's holy name, it is in keeping with this respect that I write "G-d" in my emails and on-line articles." I really like the bolded parts you posted, FA. I have heard that when we mess up, it is like driving a nail in a board. G-d in His loving compassion forgives us. But even when the nail is removed from the board, the hole it made is still there - the natural consequence of our action.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Not much singing, or many fat ladies there that I can find. LOL! You're so funny! Well, I'm a little "curvy," and I sing a lot. Does that count for anything? (I love the way they say "curvy" now. That sounds so much better than "chunky," "stocky," or "fluffy.") But see, even that is a reaping and sowing process. I eat one pound of food, and I gain 10! LOL!
Author wheelwright Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Thanks to everyone who posted, especially FA, GEL, MBEG (((BIG HUGS))), SG, Ellin & OWoman. But much good advice all round. I took a few days out to contemplate, and then came back here today. In some ways I have started to get to the place so many of you recommend - to see the new doors opening. And FA, I feel very much as you say - free. Just read a book in which the heroine really doesn't let the s**t get her down. She remains who she is, and fights for what she wants. I have also had a post-job loss chat with one of my ex-bosses, and it is clear to me the distraction of the A is only part of the reason I lost the position (things outside my control contributed in a big way). He also told me some very positive things about my work, and recommended I continue with it elsewhere. He gave me a big compliment about a particular thing, which has helped me avoid falling into the trap of losing too much self-esteem. I really find it hard to bear the idea that the A can continue to have such a negative impact on my life. I relate to MBEG's post, although only in my darker moments. (I hope that is only the darker times for you too). But it is not these consequences which have made me learn a lesson. It is re-considering the morality of A's which are secretly perpetrated. I have no problem with the BS turns a blind eye ones, or the exit from abusive R ones mind you. After DDay for a few weeks I had suicidal thoughts (that I knew I wouldn't act on). After the job loss last week I felt for a couple of days I wanted to get on a train and NEVER come back (also knew I wouldn't). I wonder why the different forms of running away surfaced? I am in IC (not that I can afford it anymore ). The work I was doing was very stressful and quite pressured and in many ways prevented me from taking stock of my M, and my feelings after A. So perhaps kind fate has stepped in rather than reaping what you sow Karma. Things are becoming clearer for me now I have more time and less pressure. I still don't know if I should stay in my M. But I don't like the idea of it ending and then regretting that and the A even more than I do. It would seem like losing everything for the sake of the A. Which seems strange, as I wanted the M to end pre-A. My H has so many lovely qualities, but the negatives still irk me to the point of delirium. Things like he seems to feel he has a right to keep tabs on how much I do around the house now, and whether I spend time reading my book. It's too soon for this power shift! And what I do comes from me anyway. And me losing my job was about him, and how bad he was feeling (that's a little unfair, but in the main true). Like his temper, which was there pre-A but which I can't objectively say anymore if he's acting up because of A hurt or if it's just him. Like he's a difficult man for me to rub along nicely with. It kind of prickles rather than flows between us (always has). Like he's sweet when he's stoned, but when he stops smoking for a few days the prickles come back. Like when it's good it's pretty nice, when it's bad it's awful. Not that we row. Just prickle along. So far, and I really feel for people who are struggling with the opposite, my kids are fine. I would hate that to change. Luckily finances are not a huge problem for a while, and I have the luxury of being able to concentrate on my kids over a long summer. While I get my head out of my a**. A long, reflective summer.
Hazyhead Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Gosh, WW, I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. But hon, don't put it down to karma - what use is that to you? I know you regret the past and situations have caused you to dwell on it but don't link these things together. Life is cr@p at times and flawed but out of these times we find strength and we grow. Next steps WW, think of them. This could be your turnaround time, the change that you need. Good things will come. Until then, stay strong and positive. (((((WW)))))
Author wheelwright Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Gosh, WW, I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. But hon, don't put it down to karma - what use is that to you? I know you regret the past and situations have caused you to dwell on it but don't link these things together. Life is cr@p at times and flawed but out of these times we find strength and we grow. Next steps WW, think of them. This could be your turnaround time, the change that you need. Good things will come. Until then, stay strong and positive. (((((WW))))) Yes, thanks. I am starting to feel I will grow out of this. It feels like a turnaround time. I don't know why it has taken so long. Previous stuff in my life I've dealt with decisiveness, faith and resolution. This one was harder.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Plus H's anger after DDay made it hard to deal with my work.? so are you blaming this on your husband?
Author wheelwright Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 so are you blaming this on your husband? No. Life unfolds. I'm not that judgemental if you hadn't noticed. Are you blaming on the A? It's not about blame, but I do feel bad if the A had consequences so far reaching. I feel sad sometimes about the way things turn out, rather than blaming anyone. I try to understand people. Myself included.
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