Star Gazer Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 So, I just realized that as of this upcoming Sunday, July 4th, I will have been broken up with my ex for exactly 4 weeks (which I'm calling a month, even though it's not exactly). As we all know, that day is Independence Day. It makes me think of one of my favorite songs, that starts like this: "It's Independence Day, I'm free, and it's a strange place to be... I'm gonna break these chains, unleash the changes in me..." The time since breakup day has FLOWN by, and I'm quite surprised at the healing progress I've made in such a short period of time. I had to take an active role in moving on, but I've done a pretty good job. I've managed to keep myself quite busy, and I didn't even have to force it. It's as though the universe opened up and made a million opportunities available to me. A door was slammed shut in my face, but a million windows immediately opened up. I can see now, everything is so incredibly clear to me. (Ha! That sounds like another song! But anyway...) So, what's helped? Well, honestly... therapy, Al-Anon, and doing everything I did before I ever even met Skiman, when I was a confident, independent, happy Star Gazer. I've been working out regularly (running mainly to train for some races, with some tennis in there too), seeing a lot of my friends, getting back involved with my charitable group, and even taking on new challenges, such as a triathalon relay, and maybe even the Trans Tahoe Relay - something I never would have done while I was with Skiman. I also joined a ski club (although the season is months away!), and I even started browsing MLS for real estate, something I thought I'd never do on my own... but now I actually WANT to do! There's no reason why I shouldn't. A couple of my guy friends have also taken me out for dinner/lunch (platonically!). They've been so supportive and incredibly insightful. A few weeks ago, one of them offered to set me up, and I almost puked in my mouth - the thought of even looking at another guy made me physically ill. The same guy offered again today, and for the first time, I briefly was able to entertain the idea. I'm not quite ready, but I can feel myself getting there... and just knowing that I'm getting better feels GREAT. It sounds so crazy, but really, it's like... I'm "me" again. I realize I'm not 100%, but I feel like I'm back in my own skin again, and it feels really, really good. I'm not thinking, "Oh, he's not here to make me happy, woah is me!" I'm no longer living outside-in. Rather, I feel happy on the inside. Like, sincerely happy. Sure, I have painful moments where I miss him terribly, but at the end of each day, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. But at the same time, sometimes I feel guilty about that happiness, as though I'm supposed to be miserable and moping around. It's as though in having moments of sincere joy, I'm betraying my relationship. Anyone else experience that? Regardless of what happens, I am actually thankful for having experienced this. I was stuck in a rut. I am not entirely sure how that rut was created, but I know I was in one, and without this painful breakup I wouldn't have been pushed to rediscover myself. There's honestly a sort of giddyness I'm experiencing on a daily basis, just at the thought of all of the possibilities out there... whatever they are. Life will be better. I will be better. And that's pretty damn awesome and exciting.
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