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broke up with my perfect bf because he was my first relationship...mistake?

zz11

By zz11
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zz11 Member

zz11

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I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years last month. He was seriously the PERFECT bf, but I was having a lot of issues. He's 6 years older than me and was having a lot of (good) life changes, and I guess I felt like we were in two different places and I couldn't keep up. (This was something only I felt though, because it wasn't really a huge problem.) He was also my first relationship ever, and I guess I got curious about what else is out there. With that, I developed strong feelings for a friend, and I felt really guilty about that. So, I told BF I needed to be alone and ended things for good.

 

We did NC for a month, and during that time the friend and I hooked up. We've pretty much been doing the 'casual dating' thing. We have feelings for each other, but I really don't want a serious relationship now so nothing is official.

 

After the month of NC, Ex contacted me desperately trying to get back together with me. He's still so heartbroken, and I feel HORRIBLE. I still love him since he is perfect, but I also feel like i need to see other people since he is the only guy i've ever dated.

 

He doesn't know about the friend, and I feel really guilty even though we aren't together anymore...almost like i'm cheating on him. :( Knowing that he's at home hoping we'll get back together sucks because although I love him, I don't want to give up the dating thing with the friend. I feel like I need to experience different things.

 

He says he understands that I need space, but keeps breaking NC and saying he loves me, etc. making everything confusing. I still love him too, and I don't want to play with his emotions, but I know I am by not getting back together with him. Is it okay to want to see what else is out there? I feel guilty. Advice?

lunita Established Member

lunita

Posted
Posted

You didn't say how old you were? I think if you're young it's something you need to do. I met my boyfriend of 6 years when I was 16 and the same thing happened....he was ready to move to the next level and I wanted and needed to experience more of what was out there.

 

I was not immediately sad but years down the line I was really missing him. He ended up getting married and I think it's best this way but you have to do what's right for you.

 

Do you just feel sorry for him and that's why it hurts? I think if you were still in love with him you wouldn't be interested in anyone else?

brokenamy Member

brokenamy

Posted
Posted

Since there really isn't anything better out there (I promise) yes, you did make a HUGE mistake. We are a society of never satisfied, selfish little bitches. We always want more and better and if you are still in love with this man, you better get back to him before you lose him because then you will regret it forever. Trust me- I KNOW!:(

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zz11 Member

zz11

Posted
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Posted
You didn't say how old you were? I think if you're young it's something you need to do. I met my boyfriend of 6 years when I was 16 and the same thing happened....he was ready to move to the next level and I wanted and needed to experience more of what was out there.

 

I was not immediately sad but years down the line I was really missing him. He ended up getting married and I think it's best this way but you have to do what's right for you.

 

Do you just feel sorry for him and that's why it hurts? I think if you were still in love with him you wouldn't be interested in anyone else?

 

I'm 21. I do love him...he's a great person...my feelings are SO mixed though, and I know he doesn't deserve this. I feel like I should just let him go, because that's best for him. :/

Hop_prophet Established Member

Hop_prophet

Posted
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It sounds like you did everything the right way and broke it off before anything else developed. I commend you for that as I'm sure it was extemely difficult. A lot of people would have done otherwise. That being said I still feel pretty sorry for you boyfriend. He obviously was not 'perfect' enough to keep you satisfied. I think what you will find is that most others will not measure up and you may end up regretting what happened but that is the risk you take with a break up.

 

You are still very young and no one can fault you for wanted to test the waters with other people. You were honest and acted with integrity and maybe you two will wind up together anyway in the long run. Who knows? It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders for your age and you will have to make the best decision for yourself. Good Luck!

vivrantflo Established Member

vivrantflo

Posted
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This is why I tell guys to never date women seriously, until they reach the age of 25, cause they end up doing something like this..

 

Sure, everyone here is saying that you did the right thing, perhaps you did.. But it's just frustrating to read about a guy who treats his woman like gold, and has his life going for him, just to get his heart broken because he was having "good life changes", and you want to "see what else is out there".

 

To answer your question.. "mistake?" It may not seem like you made one now cause you're having fun doing whatever with this new dude, but when you get older, and realize that most men are jerks and are just looking to get laid, or you're just the woman on the side... you'll NEVER, EVER forget the "perfect" guy that you had..

 

And by that time, he will find someone that's mature enough to appreciate a hardworking, committed man.

 

I may have come across as bitter, but whatever. Having played the "perfect guy" role before, I can't do anything but feel for your ex man

 

Good luck

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lunita Established Member

lunita

Posted
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I don't think you sound bitter vivrantflo. I think you're right. When I did the same thing I regretted it for years. I think age plays a huge factor. There is that "grass is always greener" attitude that plays a part in a lot of our poor decision making... In my experience , the grass is not always greener.

Calendula Established Member

Calendula

Posted
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I don't agree with a couple of the responses you've gotten to your questions so far, especially the one stating that 'you've made a huge mistake' and 'you'll never find anyone better'. With your current set of experiences you have absolutely no way of ever knowing this one way or another, and I think you made the right choice for both you and him. If you had stuck it out with him, or even get back with him after such a short amount of time, purely because of a fear that you might not find someone better, than I think you would be doing both of you a disservice. To sum up, I think that if a relationship between two people is meant to work out in the long term, there will be a way for it to come about, even if it is years into the future and after many changes for both of you. If you aren’t meant to be with that person, than a relationship that is better for you will come along and your experience in your first relationship will just make you more able to see it when it shows up.

 

As far as your current fling goes, I think it is ok for you to have a relaxed relationship with someone new who cares about you. If you aren’t going in a serious direction with him, you might consider it more of a ‘friend-with-benefits’ relationship or ‘no-strings-attached’ but that is up to you (I’ve written some on this elsewhere on the forums).

 

As far as your first boyfriend goes, I think you need to figure out where your head and your heart are with regards to the relationship and have an honest, open discussion with him about both. He has to find some sort of closure with your leaving, and if you truly still love him than you would want to help him with that. I don’t think it is wrong to let someone know that you love them but can’t be with them because you need to get your head straight. The cleaner you make the break, and the more understanding the two of you reach in regards to your past relationship and the future, the less guilty you will feel and the less pain he will feel. It will also make it possible for you two to get back together at some point in the future (I’m talking years, not just months), if it is what you both want, without any negative feelings between you two. Spend a lot of time thinking about your real reasons for leaving, and don’t be afraid to share them with him and help him to understand where you are coming from. He has to understand that you are making the best decision that you can and that your decision to end things was because you love him but still need to find yourself, not because he did anything wrong (at least I hope this is the scenario).

 

Check my next post below to see why I say much of the above. I think part of my story may help you find some of your answers.

Calendula Established Member

Calendula

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I know the following is long, but I think it might help you. As I typed what I entered above, I had an eerie feeling that my past experiences echo some of what you're currently going through; I'm just 5 or 6 years into a possible future from where you're at now. Below is part of my story. Perhaps it will help you find your way and make your own decision about your actions and your relationship.

 

My first serious boyfriend was 11 years older than me and I was 19 when I started seeing him seriously. I had spent a year dating different people before we got together, but nothing went very far with anyone until I started seeing him. We were together for a total of 4 years before I ended it. Three of those years were spent together in the same town, one year long distance because I left for graduate school.

 

I knew that what I had with him was better and more positive than most people ever experience in their search for a relationship. While we were together, we felt like a perfect match, like we shared a mind on both little things and big things. We rarely fought (perhaps once a year, if that) and it was because we usually agreed. If we didn't agree on something, we were able to discuss it before it ever became an issue. We had excellent communication, and we loved and respected each other greatly.

 

He loved me and respected me enough that he let me go when I told him that was what I needed to find my way, my path in the world, to find myself. He wasn't happy about it, and I don't think he has ever stopped loving me, but he found the strength within him to give me my space. I didn't talk to him (perhaps once a year after that), and I couldn't ever be 'just friends' with him; our relationship was based on more of an all-or-nothing emotional dynamic. To try and be 'just friends' would have put a strain on the emotional connection we had built, tying to force it to become something that it couldn't. Until recently, I hadn't even seriously communicated with him over the past three years.

 

I tried my best to leave him in my past, to move on with my emotional life and experiences, to grow as a person, and I honestly think that I have, even though he still crosses my mind regularly. I knew that when I left him, what I was leaving was something good, and I did my best to make the break as clean and painless as humanly possible. We both cried, and I know I missed him, but over the year we had been living in different towns (6 hrs apart) our lives had moved in different directions and trying to make the relationship work just made both of us stressed and unhappy. We couldn't be there to support each other as we had been previously; the dynamic of the relationship hadn't changed and both of us had as well.

 

I ended it because I needed something different in my life, because I needed more and new experiences, because I did love him and I knew if we tried to force it to work we would just end up even more unhappy. At that point in my life, I decided that I couldn't sacrifice the person I was becoming, my independence, finishing my degree, learning about myself in experiences and situations that weren't ideal. I had to find my own strength, without my comfortable relationship with this person I knew so well to fall back on. It sounds selfish, but at that point in my life I had to decide what decisions were best for me, not us. When I ended our relationship, it was partly because I didn't feel like I knew all of who I was, and I knew that I would have resented him had I stayed with him, always wondering 'what if' and what else was out there. I wasn't ready to commit myself completely to him and to the relationship we had built over the years we were together, and so I decided it was best to end things and see where life would take me.

 

I'm now 5 years into the future from that point, and I still have no regrets for my decisions. I still feel that I made the best decisions that I could for where I was at that time in my life, and I have learned a great deal about myself since then. I have had more relationships, some 'friend with benefit' type, and a few more serious. I have learned so much about myself in the past five years, none of which I regret or would change, and none of which would have been able to come about had I not ended things with my first boyfriend. I have grown as a person, I am more mature, emotionally, intellectually, sexually, and I have a much better idea now of what I want from my life and from my eventual partner. I went out and lived, and there are many things I am now more certain about than I ever was before; I know, I don't just feel or think. I don't have many of the doubts I had before, and I am stronger for doing things on my own, in spite of the fear, loneliness, and frustration I have felt along the way.

 

Cutting my ties 5 years ago to my first boyfriend hurt, emotionally, for both of us, but I knew it was the right thing to do, for me, and I won't ever change my mind on that point. It helped that he understood my decision and gave me my space. Above anything else, he loved me selflessly and wanted me to be happy and find my way, even if it meant I had to do it without him being an active part of my life. I knew when I made my decision that I couldn't ever go back to being with him the way it was before. It simply isn't possible. Even now, I know that what I want from a relationship is basically all the good things of what I had with him, plus more which is based on both positive and negative experiences I have had since then. I now know what I want; I know what works for me and what doesn't. It isn't just a mental exercise or an idea anymore, I KNOW it.

 

While you can't ever go back, I do believe, however, that you can move forward. Opportunities do come for second chances, to re-build a relationship with someone you love. Timing is essential to whether or not it works, but if the break is clean and honest, the chance can still exist. It takes time and space and maturity, and a strong determination to live in the present and focus on the future and not to dwell on the past, but I do believe it is possible. Whatever happens, you have to understand that people change, you change. What was perfect in the past may not be so in the future. What you want and what you need will change throughout your life, and the person you are with has to choose to change with you in order for a relationship to truly work.

wingman2 Established Member

wingman2

Posted
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It's understandable that you want to experience different things considering he's ur first relationship. I too was that perfect guy once to my ex girlfriend and one of the reason's she left me was to experience different things although we are working things out now. We were even gonna get married and knew we were meant for eachother.

 

The important thing is that if he makes you happy and you love him and he is what you want then don't settle for anything else. Rather break up only if there are issues or things just aren't going well because the moment you let go of someone who is close to you and whom you love so much for the sake of exploring the unknown you are taking a very big risk, big enough that you may regret it but can't turn back. I say this because I also have a friend who was deeply in love wth a guy but broke up with him to see what's out there. Well her next boyfriend turned out to be a cheater in the end, then the one after turned out to be involved drug dealing and was also verbally abusive. Now she's getting divorced from her husband because he's decided he likes her cousin. In the end she wished she had never gotten rid of the perfect guy but now he's married too. Now I don't know if her first bf would have remained sweet to the end or if they would have broken things off anyway but the point I'm getting across is be careful with the decisions you make because although you're curious you're choices can go both ways and may turn against you but it'll be too late by the time you realize it. Just telling you that could become reality and be aware of what you decide and the outcome and consequences that may follow. Just a warning. May not turn out that way for you but it can.

spyyder Established Member

spyyder

Posted
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Typical example. Woman finds the perfect guy, leaves the perfect guy thinking she needs to test the waters and then when she's 40 she realizes the mistake and thinks of all men as jerks despite meeting the perfect guy long time ago.

 

Yeah... keep thinking that theres better out there. There are very few great girls out there, and there are even fewer great guys. The problem with us guys is when we meet the perfect girl we get too comfortable and take her for granted, and the problem with girls meeting the perfect guy is you girls always think there are other great guys out there too. Well guess what, there ****ing aint.

 

This is why I tell guys to never date women seriously, until they reach the age of 25, cause they end up doing something like this..

Your advice is unfortunately true.

Edited by spyyder
westrock Established Member

westrock

Posted
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He was seriously the PERFECT bf, but I was having a lot of issues.

 

It sounds like the real issue is that you don't feel confident around him. You may see him as the "PEFECT bf" but how do you view yourself as a person and as a gf?

 

Is it okay to want to see what else is out there? I feel guilty. Advice?

 

Yes it is okay to see what else it out there, but what are you hoping to find? I'm not sure how you can get any better than "perfect".

Nikki Sahagin Established Member

Nikki Sahagin

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If you are interested in other men, I don't think you really and truly do love your ex. However I DO understand that you perhaps needed to fall in love WITH LIFE.

 

Modern life now is complicated because we don't really NEED a partner, and we are encouraged to sleep around and experiment and see it all and do it all and not waste a second.

 

A lot of people are torn between the 'conventional, traditional' life and the independent, secular life thats encouraged.

 

Only you can choose and find your own way. Trust you did it for the right and not the wrong reasons.

Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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Here's my little contribution: old BF isn't the "perfect guy." That guy doesn't exist.

 

The same youthful outlook that makes it understandable that the OP wants to test the relationship waters early in her adult life, also makes it impossible for her to judge whether this first relationship partner really would have been the "perfect guy." And if anything, I bet her inexperience would tend to bias her towards an overly optimistic judgment.

 

Not to be an old, sour wet blanket smothering her youthful optimism, but I'm pretty certain that a large proportion of people getting married are convinced that they have found the "perfect partner"... right about up until the time that they don't think so any more.

 

So, the question you are agonizing over is essentially: "What would have happened?" Nobody ever gets to know. There isn't always one and only one "best" decision, and the corollary to that is that you shouldn't spend you time agonizing over the possiblity of missing the best decision, and the possibility that you made the wrong one.

 

You are a young adult, engaging in the new world of relationships. There are no guarantees, and for the most part, there are no "perfect partners." You've got a world ahead of you. There's no way to know if you left the perfect partner, but the odds are pretty decent that he wasn't.

 

You didn't make a wrong decision, you just made a decision. You've got a life full of opportunity ahead of you, and I'm not only talking about relationships. Go live it.

Edited by Trimmer
spriggig Established Member

spriggig

Posted
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You did the right thing. If you had continued on with him and perhaps married him, the question of "what else was out there" would always haunt you. You very well could have ended up with a kid or two and THEN decided to leave him. Ugh!

 

If he's smart, he'll move on and find someone else. Unless he marries the next girl, he'll probably contact you after the breakup. Expect to continue to hear from this guy until he gets married.

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

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Is it okay to want to see what else is out there?

YES, IT'S PERFECTLY OKAY!

 

Quite honestly, I really respect your decision, and admire your ability to hear your own Intuition and your courage to follow it. :bunny::love::bunny:

Speaking as a way-old broad, I wish I woulda been more like you, at your age.

 

Your ex is using his emotions to manipulate/control your emotions, desires and behaviour. I would encourage you to NOT let him get away with that. You do not have anything over which to feel guilty. His behaviour since the break-up is your further evidence (if you needed any) that you made wise choices and decisions for your current Self...and your future Self.

 

If he keeps doing that to you, which is selfish and inconsiderate on his part, just block him from everything.

 

Wishing you much joy, happiness and success in life.

ahashakeheartbreak Member

ahashakeheartbreak

Posted
Posted

I disagree with Ronni...her ex is hurt, and getting told by her that she still loves him is giving him false hope and confusing him...so, his actions are understandable. Not childish. YOU should have respect for him by not telling him you still love him blah blah blah, but you want to test waters. Honestly...I think if you are IN love with someone...you wouldn't want to do this. Or mess around with someone so soon after breaking up with him. (And I know this first hand because I've been there, on the receiving end.)

 

Now, it's okay to follow what you feel is best for yourself. But I sure as heck wish my ex boyfriend was like yours. Poor guy.

heavensmesenger Member

heavensmesenger

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My two cents is quite simply...Good luck

 

Look at it from both sides of the coin. On the one side, you've met your soulmate, who cares if its your first relationship you were obviously blessed. Don't lose it for the sake of wanting to see "whats out there" because the grass isn't always greener.

 

The other side, you want to go out and see whats out there then you have no right in seeing your ex now. NC, no emails no nothing. If he was as great as you say then don't give him any false hope. You dont get to hold onto him as plan b)

 

You got to be cruel to be kind. I feel sorry for him personally. YOU need to make the choice you can't have the best of both worlds its not fair on him.

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