txsilkysmoothe Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I'm not going to pick apart everyone's posts and tell you you're wrong, that you don't know us, etc. because what do I know, you could be right. Still I have a question for people to mull over... What would a cheating SO have to do in order for you to stay with him/her? He's already done everything that he possibly could to rebuild my trust: transparency, genuine remorse, apologies, changing whole swaths of his life to be with me, consistency, therapy (both individual and couples), time, kindness. He's answered all of my questions about the affair, let me talk to the AP (even though she hung up on me when I called, we texted back and forth), put himself on google latitude so I could see where his phone is at all times, made his way to my city (3 hours drive from his home) every weekend to be with me, etc. I realize that theoretically he COULD still be cheating but the man has run himself into the ground trying to work on the relationship and rebuild what we lost. He even faced both of my parents about it. So what ELSE could he possibly do that would convince you that we should stay together? If your answer is "nothing" then maybe we should just agree to disagree. For some people it is "nothing." It sounds like that's the type of person your boyfriend is - if you cheated, he could never get over it. Life is short and relationships are hard. You're not married, no children with him, long distance - why, why, why choose to give all your love and commitment to someone who took it for granted. He doesn't possess the forgiveness that you do. You're incompatible. Him "running himself into the ground" isn't evidence that he loves you. Of course he has his own reasons for not wanting to look like total scum. And, he hasn't been doing these things very long if you discovered the affair only two months ago. It ended when you found out or had he already ended it? If it only ended because you found out, he obviously didn't decide of his own free will to stop.
norajane Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 It's not what he's doing NOW that he's been caught that is the issue. They're all remorseful and on good behavior (for a while) when they've been caught. It's what he did - lie to your face for 6 months about f*cking another woman - that is a sign of his character, his poor conflict resolution skills, and his ability to lie to you for long periods of time without you knowing he's lying to your face. You yourself said he is a weak man - so you think he's suddenly going to completely change his character and become a strong man? He's not married to you. He could have broken up with you and then gone on to be with whoever he liked. He could have talked to you about any problems in the relationship and try to work them out. He didn't have to cheat. He didn't have to lie to you constantly for 6 months. Yet, he CHOSE to deceive you for 6 months, not because he wanted to leave, but because he was utterly selfish and thinking only of himself. This is a sign of his character. So he can do whatever you want him to do right NOW that he's been caught, but he hasn't changed who he is on the inside - a man who ultimately chooses to deceive and hurt the woman who loves him in order to please himself. He didn't give a crap about you and how he was hurting you and damaging your relationship with his lies and deceit when he made those choices for 6 months. Why are you so dead-set on accepting this behavior? You aren't stuck (married) with him for financial reasons or "for the children" or anything else. You can walk away NOW, but if you ever were to marry and have kids and he cheats on you then? Much harder to walk away when you've built your while life around him. Where is your self-respect, and where is your protectiveness for the children you want to have with this man? Right now, he's only hurting you. When he cheats in the future, he'll be cheating on those kids, too.
eeyore1981 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I'm not going to pick apart everyone's posts and tell you you're wrong, that you don't know us, etc. because what do I know, you could be right. Still I have a question for people to mull over... What would a cheating SO have to do in order for you to stay with him/her? He's already done everything that he possibly could to rebuild my trust: transparency, genuine remorse, apologies, changing whole swaths of his life to be with me, consistency, therapy (both individual and couples), time, kindness. He's answered all of my questions about the affair, let me talk to the AP (even though she hung up on me when I called, we texted back and forth), put himself on google latitude so I could see where his phone is at all times, made his way to my city (3 hours drive from his home) every weekend to be with me, etc. I realize that theoretically he COULD still be cheating but the man has run himself into the ground trying to work on the relationship and rebuild what we lost. He even faced both of my parents about it. So what ELSE could he possibly do that would convince you that we should stay together? If your answer is "nothing" then maybe we should just agree to disagree. Laura, if you feel your bf is doing everything he can do, and if you feel your bf is meeting your needs, and you want to stay with him, then stay with him. This forum can be helpful to you, if you use it right. You might only get one post in ten or twenty that you feel is supportive, but take that one and leave the rest. The posters in here are just like you, and they are going to comment based on their life experiences, because that is what they know. Most of the posters in here are really trying to help you, even if you don't see it that way. You say this guy is worth being hurt twice over, and you are the best judge of that. Now, to your original question, yes, it is a double standard. I do think it is natural, though, to contemplate having an affair of your own after you have been cheated on, because I got almost obsessive about it. I'm not convinced a revenge affair is as bad as people say, but that is probably because I didn't go through with it. I'm just starting the process of divorcing my H of 25 years, and right now I'm having some major, major regrets for not going through with it (the RA), but who knows, I might feel differently about it tomorrow. Anyway, good luck, and I hope it all works out well for you.
stillafool Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 And, yes, I do think that this is the man I want to marry and have children with. I know that sounds CRAZY on the eve of such a betrayal but I'm starting to realize that he didn't do this because he's some philanderer. He did it because he's weak. I didn't realize before the affair that I would have to take care of him instead of the other way around (like my past relationships). I can deal with weak if it brings with it all of the things he has to offer. I hope you remember this statement when you are married to him and he cheats on you. As soon as I found out, he came back to me with his tail between his legs. So you had to catch him cheating before he came running. What would have happened if you had never found out? Would he have told you or even stopped? 6 months of cheating is more than a moment of weakness.
alexandria35 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Laura maybe your boyfriend is weak and maybe he does have some psychological problems. But if that's true then you really have to ask yourself why you would want to marry and have children with a weak, needy, disturbed man. How will you be able to take care of him and meet all of his emotional needs when you have a couple of kids demanding all of your time and attention, and how do you think your weak boyfriend will cope with losing your attention to your children? Don't kid yourself and think that you can be a super woman who can meet everyone's needs all of the time. It just doesn't work that way and even seemingly strong independant men occassionally get miffed by the loss of their wives attention once the children come along. If what you say about your boyfriend is true, then there is nothing you can do about it. If he is weak and has psychicatric problems then he needs professional help (and lots of it) before he will be husband material. Sounds like he has placed the burden of keeping him faithful on you, making you feel that if you take care of him and meet all of his needs then he will be loyal. How clever of him.
jnj express Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Laura ---the last poster nailed it down pretty good-----Why start out a mge. knowing you are gonna have a problem. Before you even think about mge. Take a long hard look at mge. There is the early stage the hot passion, the dating the doing things together, the wild lovemaking---the honeymoon period---this goes on for a few years at best----then comes the long period of work, trying to get in time together, children, running them around---demands on your time Now you are in the period where everything is the same old boring thing day after day----Mge., is hard work, you have to do things to get out of the boring day after day sameness, finally ending with your golden senior years, where you each really do help each other day after day. The boring period, is the period where many problems come in, one of the partners is not happy, neither of you sit down and talk, and boom----one of the partners is out looking for other things----It happens to strong couples, who have not got a history of cheating, and weakness. What is gonna happen to you----you have a weak partner, who you might even have to be a mother to---he has already cheated, and then on top of all of that, the idiot said ( and he is an idiot) for you to go ahead and cheat on him in revenge----what kind of a mge., will this make If I were bookmaking I would put up even money odds, your mge. doesn't last 5 years.
norajane Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 If I were bookmaking I would put up even money odds, your mge. doesn't last 5 years. 5 years? You're being generous. They didn't even make it 2 years of dating without him cheating for 6 months, and he wouldn't have stopped cheating if she hadn't caught him. Add kids into the mix? Even less. What kind of father would this guy be? What will he teach his kids?
NoIDidn't Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I'm not going to pick apart everyone's posts and tell you you're wrong, that you don't know us, etc. because what do I know, you could be right. Still I have a question for people to mull over... What would a cheating SO have to do in order for you to stay with him/her? He's already done everything that he possibly could to rebuild my trust: transparency, genuine remorse, apologies, changing whole swaths of his life to be with me, consistency, therapy (both individual and couples), time, kindness. He's answered all of my questions about the affair, let me talk to the AP (even though she hung up on me when I called, we texted back and forth), put himself on google latitude so I could see where his phone is at all times, made his way to my city (3 hours drive from his home) every weekend to be with me, etc. I realize that theoretically he COULD still be cheating but the man has run himself into the ground trying to work on the relationship and rebuild what we lost. He even faced both of my parents about it. So what ELSE could he possibly do that would convince you that we should stay together? If your answer is "nothing" then maybe we should just agree to disagree. Laura, if you feel your bf is doing everything he can do, and if you feel your bf is meeting your needs, and you want to stay with him, then stay with him. This forum can be helpful to you, if you use it right. You might only get one post in ten or twenty that you feel is supportive, but take that one and leave the rest. The posters in here are just like you, and they are going to comment based on their life experiences, because that is what they know. Most of the posters in here are really trying to help you, even if you don't see it that way. You say this guy is worth being hurt twice over, and you are the best judge of that. Now, to your original question, yes, it is a double standard. I do think it is natural, though, to contemplate having an affair of your own after you have been cheated on, because I got almost obsessive about it. I'm not convinced a revenge affair is as bad as people say, but that is probably because I didn't go through with it. I'm just starting the process of divorcing my H of 25 years, and right now I'm having some major, major regrets for not going through with it (the RA), but who knows, I might feel differently about it tomorrow. Anyway, good luck, and I hope it all works out well for you. I very much agree with what eeyore posted. But I have a few things for you to consider. You think he has psychiatric problems? They can very much be passed on to any future children. And while manageable, its extremely difficult. These relationships don't tend to last and have a lot of heartache in them. You have to count the costs of everything you know right now - not just think of love. Love is never enough by itself to truly nurture and grow a healthy R. Consider everything about your current guy before putting all your eggs in that basket. And try not to get pregnant while doing it. The R with him may or may not last, but children (generally speaking) are forever.
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