LauraPV Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I know this has probably been brought up a million times before but I'm new here and haven't had a chance to read everything. As many of you know, I'm currently trying to stay in a relationship with my boyfriend who cheated on me for 6 months. I found out about two months ago and, while the pain has diminished, I'm still in emotional agony every single day. I'm still crying myself to sleep most nights, for God's sakes! Anyway, I've been suppressing the urge to have a revenge affair. Sometimes it feels like that is the only way to make my pain go away. I know it's the wrong thing to do and I'm not going to do it but I did bring up how I was feeling to my boyfriend. His reaction was...well...awful! When he told me about his affair I was numb for days and then I was just sad but when I told him about a possible revenge affair, he was furious! He told me he'd never be able to touch me again or look at me in the same way again. I have to admit that it's hard to look at him in the same way since dday. Also, intimacy has been a struggle for me. I often end up feeling violated in the end but, I'm making an effort! I'm pretty sure I'll get over it eventually as we rebuild trust! I'm not dismissing him immediately! So why the hypocrisy? Why would he be so much more upset if I had an affair than I was when I found out that he did? What's going on here?
NoIDidn't Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Tell him you feel the same way about his infidelity and see if his perspective changes. Tell him you have a hard time looking at him the same as before. Tell him and see if he can see that what he did is just as bad. I have found that some men do tend to have that double-standard upfront, but you'd be surprised how they change if it really happens. Most women say they will leave a cheater right away, but most of us don't. Men aren't too different. They say they'd never touch a cheating woman again, and that they can't see things the same, but many stay. I think your guy said those things because he knows just how despicable his actions were and he's projecting that onto you. Think of it as him saying he'd never touch himself if you knew what he knew.
Namul Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 He might not be lying about it being a deal breaker for him. You will not know that unless you did have a revenge affair. What you do know is that the revenge affair will not make you feel better. It will not make you feel better, but it will probably make him feel worse. I say this because inside, he will know that he is to blame for that as well because it is not something you would have done without his preceding actions. He is probably over reacting with the anger to try and secure your promise that you will not cheat on him, but as I said before, you will never know.
norajane Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 So why the hypocrisy? Why would he be so much more upset if I had an affair than I was when I found out that he did? What's going on here? 1. Because it feels 1000 times different when you are cheated on instead of being the one doing the cheating. And he knows it. And he absolutely does not want to be the one who is betrayed and hurting. 2. He wants to be absolutely clear with you that he would dump your ass if you cheated on him, rather than doing the hard work to try and get over the betrayal and work it out. He is trying to make sure you don't for a minute think he'd accept you cheating on him. Revenge cheating won't make you feel better, really, although it might make you feel like you "got even". But if you're thinking about getting even, this relationship might as well be over. I know you're trying to get past this and make it work, but, you don't have to. If it's too much for you, take a break, be on your own for a while and give it some thought. Crying yourself to sleep every night might not be worth it if the purpose of it is to swallow your feelings in order to keep a man whom you can't trust and can't forgive. And who would never forgive you if you did the same thing he did to you.
YellowShark Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 What kind of "revenge" is damaging the relationship even more? That logic escapes me. Lets' revisit the facts: 1) He cheated on you for 6 months, that's 6 whole months of betrayal and deception. 2) He told you he'd never be able to touch you again, or look at you in the same way if YOU had an affair. 3) You are in great pain. Here's a guy who cheated on you for 6 months and then reads YOU the riot act why cheating is bad in his eyes. LOL! What a complete load of crap. It shows you that you need to dump him ASAP. He has not only been actively deceptive for 6 months, he's now trying to claim the moral high ground. Sounds totally immature and entirely uneven to me.
Shucksaw Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 What kind of "revenge" is damaging the relationship even more? That logic escapes me. Lets' revisit the facts: 1) He cheated on you for 6 months, that's 6 whole months of betrayal and deception. 2) He told you he'd never be able to touch you again, or look at you in the same way if YOU had an affair. 3) You are in great pain. Here's a guy who cheated on you for 6 months and then reads YOU the riot act why cheating is bad in his eyes. LOL! What a complete load of crap. It shows you that you need to dump him ASAP. He has not only been actively deceptive for 6 months, he's now trying to claim the moral high ground. Sounds totally immature and entirely uneven to me. Exactly! This is not double standard – this is BS. He is effectively saying that what he did is unforgiveable. I would be really concerned that his respect for you will diminish as a result of your forgiveness. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s easy to say you should leave him. But only you know what’s the right thing to do. Hang in there.
jnj express Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Actually your boyfriend has EXACTLY THE RIGHT ATTITUDE, about being betrayed----Maybe you had better take a page from his book---cuz that is the way you should be treating him----if you are not, then you need to rethink your attitude about A's
Diezel Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Why haven't you dumped him yet? That should be the obvious question no one is asking.
lolapalooza Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 (edited) Life is short, hon, why would you want to spend it with someone you think you need to punish by having a revenge affair? And why would you want to stoop to his level? Of course, he's a hypocrite! Why waste your time with someone with so little integrity? Edited July 3, 2010 by lolapalooza
Joe Normal Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Call his bluff and see how he likes it. Your relationship will then end and you can move on to pastures new. And he'll learn a valuable lesson about why not to cheat on people.
spriggig Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Looks like she didn't hear what she wanted. If you cheat you will not feel vindicated, it will only make things much worse and you'll end up at the same level as your cheating SO. Take the high road, forgive him if you can but don't hurt yourself--he's not worth that.
hopesndreams Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I know this has probably been brought up a million times before but I'm new here and haven't had a chance to read everything. As many of you know, I'm currently trying to stay in a relationship with my boyfriend who cheated on me for 6 months. I found out about two months ago and, while the pain has diminished, I'm still in emotional agony every single day. I'm still crying myself to sleep most nights, for God's sakes! Anyway, I've been suppressing the urge to have a revenge affair. Sometimes it feels like that is the only way to make my pain go away. I know it's the wrong thing to do and I'm not going to do it but I did bring up how I was feeling to my boyfriend. His reaction was...well...awful! When he told me about his affair I was numb for days and then I was just sad but when I told him about a possible revenge affair, he was furious! He told me he'd never be able to touch me again or look at me in the same way again. I have to admit that it's hard to look at him in the same way since dday. Also, intimacy has been a struggle for me. I often end up feeling violated in the end but, I'm making an effort! I'm pretty sure I'll get over it eventually as we rebuild trust! I'm not dismissing him immediately! So why the hypocrisy? Why would he be so much more upset if I had an affair than I was when I found out that he did? What's going on here? He reacted that way because it was a "what if" situation. No one knows what they will do/say/ or what they are capable of until it actually happens to them, for real. He told me he'd never be able to touch me again or look at me in the same way again.
Author LauraPV Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Looks like she didn't hear what she wanted It's not that I didn't hear what I wanted, everyone came back with wonderful advice, I'm just a bit shy, that's all, and considering how conflicting the advice all is, I wasn't sure what to say. I'm not going to have a revenge affair because I know that it'll just make things worse. Also, the part of me that wants to have the affair is a very small part...the rest of me loves him and doesn't want to hurt him. It's just that sometimes I'm more upset than others and I feel like a revenge affair might be something I want. Why am I still with him? Well, there are a lot of reasons. First, I personally don't think he's going to do it again. I came to this conclusion just because I know him and I know the reasons behind why he did what he did and I don't think he's going to do it again. Second, the first thing I thought when I found out was "now I'm going to have to give up this person I love" and that just didn't bode well with me. I know this sounds awfully weak but I'm still deeply in love with the guy, we still have a good time together and love each other, and I'm not ready for that to end. Third, while it still hurts and I still cry and get angry, we've entered a sort of honeymoon period where we're appreciating each other more, having better times together, smiling more. I know this doesn't seem like it's a logical outcome of an affair but for some reason, that's what happened to us and personally, I want to ride it out to the end. About the double standard, since I wrote that I've spoken to him about it and he said that after some thought he doesn't think he'd be able to break up with me. It would be hard, he said, but he doesn't think he can go on without me. Then he said that if a revenge affair was something I needed that I should go ahead and do it. I told him it would just make things worse and I wasn't going to do it. I think his initial reaction of anger was just that, an initial reaction. Once he thought it over, he realized the error of his logic.
Mimolicious Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Whya re you still with him? If you are still crying after 6 months and not sleeping at night, things are not getting better. Two wrongs don't make a right. Go ahead and lose your dignity because you want to get even at the cheating BF that you decide to stick with. Remember, you are the one that goes to sleep with your conscience at night. Of course, if you don't care then by all means... If he wouldn't tolerate YOUR cheating, why have you tolerated his slip?
kevinm1019 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Hi Laura... let me ask you something... why do you think he cheated? His actions are completely wrong but you need to ask yourself and him... why were you unfaithful to me to get to the root of the infidelity. Not because you necessarily need to work it out with him but so you will have some peace of mind about what may have contributed to the infidelity and why you may feel the need to duplicate his poor decision and actions. Was it the thrill of sex, was he angry with you about something in the relationship, did something happen in his childhood? Just some ideas...
spriggig Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 ...I'm not going to have a revenge affair because I know that it'll just make things worse. Excellent news. ...we've entered a sort of honeymoon period where we're appreciating each other more, having better times together, smiling more. I know this doesn't seem like it's a logical outcome of an affair... Not unusual at all, it's called hysterical bonding and is quite common. The next step is for him to reveal ALL the details of the affair, take full responsibility and apologize--this is extremely important, just ask eeyore1981. Even if you think you don't want to hear it, you need to sometime soon--it's vital for rebuilding trust.
stillafool Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 LauraPV don't have a revenge affair. Drop his sorry arse and move on to someone better. If he was cheating on you for 6 months he will probably do it again but wants you to stay pure for him. If you really want revenge get a better man.
vestigalvirgin Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 6 months long affair is a pretty long time. I would question his character because he maintained a double life for a pretty lengthy period of time, requiring a lot of deception. Will he do it again? Maybe, maybe not. But 6 months is a long time to just give him a pass on this. He's just a boyfriend, you've learned something about his level of integrity. Is this the man you can see yourself marrying and having children with? Sometimes it's best to cut your losses and just move on in a situation like this.
Spark1111 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 It's not a double-standard to wonder what it would be like to be with someone else so soon after discovering a 6-month betrayal by your SO. It is completely normal to have fantasies of a revenge affair, and that is what it is, a fantasy. The reality of a revenge affair is that it never makes you feel better. But he should not be yelling or angry with you for voicing a perfectly normal part of the grieving process. Is he totally remorseful for his actions? Because if he is not, he is pretty selfish to be yelling at you just wondering what it would be like to experience what he experienced for 6 months! You should be able to talk of anything with him; your pain, your fantasies, your anger, or whatever you are experiencing two months after your discovery of HIS affair.
Author LauraPV Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 My boyfriend is completely remorseful for his actions. But it's not just about remorse. I told him that what he had to feel was GUILT and not SHAME. Guilt implies that he genuinely feels bad and would feel bad regardless of whether I found out. SHAME is different. It implies a feeling of remorse because you have been outed and embarrassed in public or among peers. He has been feeling a lot of shame but also a lot of guilt. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes but I think the way he's been treating me lately has shown that he is feeling guilty. He has been totally transparent. We even wrote his break-up letter to his AP together. She was indifferent. I think I started this threat in a way that makes him sound meaner than he actually is. He had a moment of jealousy where he probably thought back to what he did to me and never wanted it done to him but since then I think he's found a little more reason. And, yes, I do think that this is the man I want to marry and have children with. I know that sounds CRAZY on the eve of such a betrayal but I'm starting to realize that he didn't do this because he's some philanderer. He did it because he's weak. I didn't realize before the affair that I would have to take care of him instead of the other way around (like my past relationships). I can deal with weak if it brings with it all of the things he has to offer. As soon as I found out, he came back to me with his tail between his legs. There was no ego, no lingering feelings for the OW (that I saw), and there was a lot of desperation. I realized that his emotional needs were more than I was fulfilling and that maybe also he was suffering from some psychiatric problems. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him but realize that everyone has a different experience. I really believe that it will work out for us and if it doesn't, and as I tell my friends, he's worth getting hurt twice for.
vestigalvirgin Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Oh oh. OP now it sounds like you view your fiance as a "project" or "challenge" and will try to "fix" what's wrong with him. His infidelity past present and/or future is not a measure of your worth as a woman. It is a measure of his personal integrity. By characterizing him as "weak" it is clear that you have already lost respect for him. Plus provided a rationalization for why he cheated on you.
SarahRose Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I think this guy is telling you clearly who he is. Seems like the real reason he is sorry is because he got caught. He most likely would still be in the affair if he hadn't gotten caught. I think when you have to rationalize and make excuses for someone, the relationship is already over. This guy betrayed you for 6 months, not just a one night stand. Of course it is you life but I think this is what you can expect from him long term.
norajane Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 And, yes, I do think that this is the man I want to marry and have children with. I know that sounds CRAZY on the eve of such a betrayal but I'm starting to realize that he didn't do this because he's some philanderer. He did it because he's weak. I didn't realize before the affair that I would have to take care of him instead of the other way around (like my past relationships). I can deal with weak if it brings with it all of the things he has to offer. And THIS is the kind of man you want to have children with? You already have a child - HIM. As soon as I found out, he came back to me with his tail between his legs. There was no ego, no lingering feelings for the OW (that I saw), and there was a lot of desperation. Right - he didn't have an affair because he wanted to leave you. He had an affair because he wanted BOTH of you. He wanted you at home taking care of him, and his girl on the side to have fun sex with. I realized that his emotional needs were more than I was fulfilling and that maybe also he was suffering from some psychiatric problems. Great, so you've decided to blame yourself for him choosing to cheat on you? And, again, THIS is the kind of man you want to have children with? A man with psychiatric problems? I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him Yes, that's exactly what you are doing. as I tell my friends, he's worth getting hurt twice for. He is? What makes him so special that you have already accepted that he will cheat again and hurt you again?
Author LauraPV Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 (edited) I'm not going to pick apart everyone's posts and tell you you're wrong, that you don't know us, etc. because what do I know, you could be right. Still I have a question for people to mull over... What would a cheating SO have to do in order for you to stay with him/her? He's already done everything that he possibly could to rebuild my trust: transparency, genuine remorse, apologies, changing whole swaths of his life to be with me, consistency, therapy (both individual and couples), time, kindness. He's answered all of my questions about the affair, let me talk to the AP (even though she hung up on me when I called, we texted back and forth), put himself on google latitude so I could see where his phone is at all times, made his way to my city (3 hours drive from his home) every weekend to be with me, etc. I realize that theoretically he COULD still be cheating but the man has run himself into the ground trying to work on the relationship and rebuild what we lost. He even faced both of my parents about it. So what ELSE could he possibly do that would convince you that we should stay together? If your answer is "nothing" then maybe we should just agree to disagree. Edited July 6, 2010 by LauraPV
Spark1111 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I'm not going to pick apart everyone's posts and tell you you're wrong, that you don't know us, etc. because what do I know, you could be right. Still I have a question for people to mull over... What would a cheating SO have to do in order for you to stay with him/her? He's already done everything that he possibly could to rebuild my trust: transparency, genuine remorse, apologies, changing whole swaths of his life to be with me, consistency, therapy (both individual and couples), time, kindness. He's answered all of my questions about the affair, let me talk to the AP (even though she hung up on me when I called, we texted back and forth), put himself on google latitude so I could see where his phone is at all times, made his way to my city (3 hours drive from his home) every weekend to be with me, etc. I realize that theoretically he COULD still be cheating but the man has run himself into the ground trying to work on the relationship and rebuild what we lost. He even faced both of my parents about it. So what ELSE could he possibly do that would convince you that we should stay together? If your answer is "nothing" then maybe we should just agree to disagree. These are all wonderful changes of behavior. They need to be sustained over the long haul. That's your reassurance.
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