New Again Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Probably I've just had way too much time today to sit around thinking of things to overthink. An acquaintance of my bf's is in town for several days for a conference. I met this girl once, and I don't like her, I find it exhausting to have a conversation with her, and given the choice I would never have anything to do with her. Wed. night I didn't see him because he had a thing going on til late. Last night I didn't see him because he took the acquaintance out to dinner for several hours and didn't return until 11pm. Tonight he and I were supposed to have a chill night together to kind of relax and just hang out together. Now he wants to invite this girl to join us going out to do something. We already have plans with her on Saturday (she extended her stay and is staying with us) and Sunday. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE HER TONIGHT. I told him this, but said it was ultimately his call. He says that he feels obligated to entertain her/hang out with her because she doesn't know anyone else in town. I say tough ****, she can go network with people at her conference instead of monopolizing our time for several days. I think if I tell him to go ahead and do something with her and refuse to go he will cancel on her (or cause a fight with me). This is what I'm considering doing because I really don't have the energy for her, and I'm pissed that he's changing our plans (again) for her. I honestly don't understand his point of view. My other option is to just suck it up and go. What to do?
threebyfate Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 She's only here for a short time. I would go and be friendly, fun and pleasant for all kinds of reasons. If you want the reasons, you can PM me.
Serenitynow Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 If you want the reasons, you can PM me. Yea because god-forbid you share your insight with anyone else that might run into the same scenario later on. Lets all just reply with PM me from now on so everything can be kept a secret. I think you should stop whining and just go. How many people do you need to tell you that before you change your mind and do it ? .
Gallaxia Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Can you go just for a little bit? You'd be fulfilling both obligations, to your bf & his acquaintance, and to yourself, & you can just leave before she drives you crazy. It'd probably keep the peace this way.
Serenitynow Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 (edited) True commitment in a relationship is sometimes sucking it up and dealing with things you dont always want to deal with. You could score major points with your man by staying at his side during this. Think of the millions of women that go to public affairs and such with their husbands, be it a convention, a political event, fund raisers, do you really think all those women LIKE talking to, and spending time with all those people they meet ? . Edited July 2, 2010 by Serenitynow
Author New Again Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 Yea because god-forbid you share your insight with anyone else that might run into the same scenario later on. Lets all just reply with PM me from now on so everything can be kept a secret. I think you should stop whining and just go. How many people do you need to tell you that before you change your mind and do it ? . I've been working very hard and really do not feel like socializing with a person I do not like, find it exhausting to be around, and will have to entertain for an entire weekend. I'd like some time to relax and wind down from my week. Can you go just for a little bit? You'd be fulfilling both obligations, to your bf & his acquaintance, and to yourself, & you can just leave before she drives you crazy. It'd probably keep the peace this way. It doesn't really make sense for us to go separately to see this girl, or I would think this is a great idea. She's not actually "in town" she's about a half hour (without traffic, and there always is) away, and as she doesn't have a car, we have to pick her up for whatever we do.
Author New Again Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 True commitment in a relationship is sometimes sucking it up and dealing with things you dont always want to deal with. You could score major points with your man by staying at his side during this. Think of the millions of women that go to public affairs and such with their husbands, be it a convention, a political event, fund raisers, do you really think all those women LIKE talking to, and spending time with all those people they meet ? . Good point.
Serenitynow Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 the typical thing to do in the situation you describe would be to find an available gentleman LOL seriously the typical thing to do ? Shes in town on business The typical thing to do is hook her up with a guy she may never see again ? Where the heck is that idea coming from ? .
Gallaxia Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 LOL seriously the typical thing to do ? Shes in town on business The typical thing to do is hook her up with a guy she may never see again ? Where the heck is that idea coming from ? . that idea's a scene out of a sitcom (like HIMYM). You bring a friend along in hopes that they'd get along, feel some spark & hook up for a ONS with the person visiting on a business trip... It'd offer a bit of deflection and is a bit of a stretch but it could work, I suppose... Assuming NewAgain goes, of course.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Suck it up and go. You will be the cool, mellow girlfriend who knows how to have a good time, not the irritated woman sitting at home while he has fun with some other woman.
Gallaxia Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 (edited) Read a book on etiquette and maybe you'll learn something. It's not my place to educate you. Where the heck did you get the idea that finding a "fourth" to accompany an out of town guest implies that they'll be having sex? Do you think OP's bf and the out of towner had sex when they went out on their little dinner date (which lasted several hours) the other night? I've eaten dinner before. It doesn't take several hours to eat dinner. First off, I want to say that my take of the OP was that the visitor was the problem infringing on OP's time with her bf. And that because the OP would rather spend time with her bf, bringing a viable candidate for the visitor would be a fairly good option. What the extra friend & visitor did beyond that time is whatever... In my eyes, it'd keep a defined line that OP is there with her bf as he visits with his friend. Rather than it appearing that bf is with his friend and the OP is a tag along. I think in that situation, it'd breed itself to creating some weird unspoken tension. Especially if OP already is trying her best to tolerate her. Conversely, if it were me (as the visitor) I'd definitely have asked to make sure I wasn't imposing, read the situation and go from there. I was merely trying to offer a suggestion in a way that would retain OP's value to this visitor- who has a vested friendship with the bf. Sometimes situations like this can get sticky with a subtle competition for attention, even if it's just a friendship. I don't know, maybe I'm different. Edited July 2, 2010 by Gallaxia
Author New Again Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 Lots of good responses, I think everyone gave great advice/options, which is what I was looking for. I tried to find someone else to come with us, but it was short notice over a holiday weekend, so that didn't work out. Tonight we might be able to arrange that, however. I went, and had a pretty good time. I'm glad that I went, primarily because as others pointed out I would've been mad/annoyed if I didn't. Will probably post more about the night and what goes on this weekend later, as this afternoon we are picking her up and hosting her for the remainder of the weekend.
Author New Again Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 (edited) So glad the weekend is over. I wish I were more understanding, but I'm just not, and I don't understand my bf's point of view that it was completely necessary that we change all our holiday plans to entertain/host this girl he's met three times for an extended period of time (I think one dinner is reasonable in a situation like this). Friday when we were in the car sitting in traffic (and then waiting for 20 mins in the lobby of her hotel because she wasn't ready yet, despite knowing what time we were meeting) I told bf (basically) that I think it's weird that she invited herself to stay with him for the holiday weekend, weird that he accepted and felt like he needed to spend every night entertaining her, because I knew they had only met a handful of times in 5 or 6 years, and could he please help me understand his thinking on this situation. His response (which I think is bull****, but that's probably just me being a brat because I didn't like the situation) was that she's a really good friend of his. Period. I honestly do not think he would have gone so far out of his way for any GUY, except for his very best guy friends. He would've done dinner one night, and/or invited the guy out drinking one night, and that would've been the end of it. Initially I didn't get any bad vibes from this girl (I'm just going to call her Jane). She's nice, and there are some things I like about her - it's just the things about her I don't like are very obvious to me, and they are characteristics that really try my patience, hence why I find it exhausting to be around her. Jane was very polite, made conversation with me (didn't exclude me), always walked on the outside so I was walking next to my bf (who held my hand and things like that the first night), didn't try to sit next to him, etc. Friday night my bf held my hand, put his arm around me, etc. By Saturday night he wasn't doing any of those things in front of Jane, and Saturday morning he commented that he hoped we weren't "too lovey-dovey" in front of her the night before (we definitely weren't). I don't see anything wrong in making it clear which girl you're with. Holding hands is not over the top behavior. Sat and Sun he didn't make any effort to be next to me, let alone touch me. I'll skip over the details of Friday, and most of Saturday, since mostly I didn't have a problem, other than the personality thing. Saturday and Sunday she stayed with us (conference was over). Saturday night we went out to dinner and drinks with another guy, so we were a foursome. Very nice guy, and we weren't trying to set her up, and he was very friendly, but not hitting on her. Jane was very friendly back, pretty much mirroring him, and then behind his back making comments about how she would walk all over him, etc., and he would never have a chance with her. This is the type of drama she creates, and typical behavior from her (usually it's more over the top, where the guy is hitting on her, she's hitting on him, making out with him, etc., then telling everyone else how he's so creepy and won't leave her alone and she really doesn't want to go home with him, can you take care of her, then going back to make out with him, then saying how creepy he is, over and over until the end of the night). The first time I met her she was doing this with my bf trying to get him to "rescue" her, and from a mutual friend of ours, I've heard this behavior is par for the course. So she did this Saturday night and Sunday night with a different guy, though less extreme situations that I've seen or heard about. The other thing that really tried my patience Saturday night is also typical behavior of her, and why I find her exhausting. She is one of those people who will hint at what she wants, but then not make a decision when you ask her to. Saturday she kept saying how tired she was and she didn't want to drink a lot or stay out late, she wanted to go to bed. But then when we were out she kept yawning and hinting, and when she was asked if she was ready to leave "Oh no, I'm fine let's get another drink". Anyways, when we finally left (because she clearly wanted to, even though she wouldn't say so - and we were only out for her, we didn't care one way or the other), we got back home around 1230, made her bed, etc. and at 1am when I just got into bed I hear her in the hallway to my bf "Oh, we're going to bed now?" Of course he told her she could stay up and watch a movie/tv if she wanted, but evidently she only wanted to be up if he was. Sunday morning we all got up to go to breakfast, she asks what to wear, and we tell her we're going as is (casual clothes) and that she looks fine; she says OK I'm just going to go to the bathroom and I'm ready. We end up sitting around waiting for her while she puts on a "going out outfit" complete with high heels, and puts on more makeup. I felt like she intentionally did that to make me look bad, and that actually started bf's behavior of not walking next to me, holding my hand, etc. Sunday afternoon we're going to a BBQ. A casual BBQ where people are wearing bathingsuits, tank tops, very casual summer dresses with flip flops. Bf and I sit around waiting for her while she spends THREE HOURS getting ready - doing her hair, doing her makeup, picking out an outfit - she ends up wearing something completely inappropriate because it's so dressy, and with stilettos (to walk around someone's yard?!?!). No doubt she looked good, but it was inappropriate for the situation. Got her lots of attention from guys though. Sunday she pulled her whole routine of hitting on guys who hit on her, then making fun of them behind their backs for being interested and playing the damsel in distress. She also spent a lot of time telling us about the emails/texts/vmails she was getting from the two men she's dating (a younger guy - she's 30 - and a married man who is completely in love with her and said he was leaving his wife for her...but apparently Jane didn't do one single thing to make the situation get to that point and she doesn't like his attention). She again was doing the "I do nothing to encourage them and they're falling all over themselves to impress me, they're so dumb they don't have a chance" thing. Later that night, when we were watching fireworks my bf was teasing her (she was reading her emails, not watching fireworks) and said something about the married man. She was so pissed that he called her out on it in front of other people (none that she knew and would ever see again), but she was acting playful, swatting my bf's butt and dragging him away from everyone because they needed to talk and crap like that. She seemed to be using that as a way to get his attention back on her, because at that point she had been making conversation with other people and he had been talking to me with his arms around me. She definitely wasn't drunk, and I wouldn't even say buzzed, but there is a chance she could've been a little buzzed. OK, I think I'm done. Just needed to get that off my chest. There's no way I'm saying anything even slightly negative about this girl/situation to anyone where it might get back to my bf. Oh, and at one point she told me that she really liked my bf when she first met him, but he didn't hit on her the way his friends did. And she also spent 20 mins telling my bf and I that girls can be "just friends" with guys, but guys can't be "just friends" with girls. Edited July 5, 2010 by New Again
Gallaxia Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 (edited) Who knows what has caused her to be the way she is but I will say she is something else. She sounds like she's an AW. Something about the attention validates her BUT at the same time, she doesn't want what she has, or can get. She wants what she can't have. Your BF is taken so to her this seems like a "challenge". I think the reason she "really liked your bf" (which I don't think is truly the case), is because he didn't fawn over her and shower her with attention the way his friends did. So to her that created the opportunity to try to get him to. Trying to convince your bf of what she's doing, if he can't see it, will only make him defensive. I really don't think she really wants your BF. I think she just wants the attention from anyone! If you value your r'ship, watch this chick- carefully. She seems like she's in it for sport. Edited July 5, 2010 by Gallaxia
Author New Again Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 She's a hot mess. Agreed. Also agree that it's just attention she wants/needs. The entire weekend I saw attention-seeking behavior from her regarding my bf (and everyone, but of course mostly him since we spent the most time together). She didn't hit on him or flirt with him (until the swatting his butt thing), but was definitely attention seeking. Thank goodness she lives out of town and we hopefully do not have to see her again anytime soon. To be perfectly honest, if she if coming into town again and invites herself over I will do my best to make sure that he and I have airtight plans that can in no way include her. The only thing about him that irritates me is that he doesn't see how obnoxious she is, and how she's all about drama.
Author New Again Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 There was actually one thing that almost made me lose my temper (the straw that broke the camel's back type thing, except I held it in). Jane was obviously staying in a guest room, and using a guest bathroom shared with bf's roommate. The roommate is responsible for cleaning that bathroom, since it's his and he's the only one who uses it. I let him know that a girl was coming, and he said he was planning on cleaning it, and just in case I gave it a good wipe-down too, to ensure it was girl friendly (because I KNOW how she is, and I KNOW how my bf is). Saturday she kept complaining about how she felt like she needed to wear flip flops in the shower, which is so RUDE. After about the 7th time she made a comment my bf said she could use ours. No comment from me, but I was thinking no ****ing way do I want this girl showering in OUR bathroom and spending three hours in there getting ready while I'm napping, want to get ready myself, etc. He has really messed up boundaries, IMO. She said no, but then kept complaining about the bathroom, so he kept insisting, and as I of course wasn't going to chime in that of course she should use our bathroom I said that I had spent an hour scrubbing that bathroom, so it should be germ free, and she shut the **** up about it. After he changed our plans to accommodate her, the offer of our bathroom was really too much for me. He has just been so inconsiderate of my boundaries and comfort level, which should be his primary concern. I did a lot to help him prepare the guest room, house and bathroom to make her comfortable, there is no reason he should think it was OK for her to infringe even further.
Gallaxia Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 (edited) Yeah that's a tough spot to be in.! I had to edit the "hot mess" comment though:o. I felt bad as soon as I said it. But I totally feel ya. After all, I don't know what triggered her to be this way. Def something. Getting your bf to see what's really going on....that'll be hard. Maybe you could have a third party over & explain in person what it's like to "experience" this girl. That third party would undoubtedly have questions and observations along the way, so it'd help him see the stuff that's already apparent (to you) (?) I dunno. The Rub: you'd have to explain it from a neutral standpoint. Edited July 5, 2010 by Gallaxia
Green Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Probably I've just had way too much time today to sit around thinking of things to overthink. An acquaintance of my bf's is in town for several days for a conference. I met this girl once, and I don't like her, I find it exhausting to have a conversation with her, and given the choice I would never have anything to do with her. Wed. night I didn't see him because he had a thing going on til late. Last night I didn't see him because he took the acquaintance out to dinner for several hours and didn't return until 11pm. Tonight he and I were supposed to have a chill night together to kind of relax and just hang out together. Now he wants to invite this girl to join us going out to do something. We already have plans with her on Saturday (she extended her stay and is staying with us) and Sunday. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE HER TONIGHT. I told him this, but said it was ultimately his call. He says that he feels obligated to entertain her/hang out with her because she doesn't know anyone else in town. I say tough ****, she can go network with people at her conference instead of monopolizing our time for several days. I think if I tell him to go ahead and do something with her and refuse to go he will cancel on her (or cause a fight with me). This is what I'm considering doing because I really don't have the energy for her, and I'm pissed that he's changing our plans (again) for her. I honestly don't understand his point of view. My other option is to just suck it up and go. What to do? I would never LET my gf go to dinner with some MAN. Seriously this is a boudary issue. I would also NEVER LET my gf bring a long some 3rd wheel MAN to something fun that was suposed to be private. HECK I wouldn't even let a 3rd wheel girl she wanted to bring along come. I would break up with some one over the stuff your bf has done.
Green Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Yeah that's a tough spot to be in.! I had to edit the "hot mess" comment though:o. I felt bad as soon as I said it. But I totally feel ya. After all, I don't know what triggered her to be this way. Def something. Getting your bf to see what's really going on....that'll be hard. Maybe you could have a third party over & explain in person what it's like to "experience" this girl. That third party would undoubtedly have questions and observations along the way, so it'd help him see the stuff that's already apparent (to you) (?) I dunno. The Rub: you'd have to explain it from a neutral standpoint. He knows whats going on, at a minimum he is having an emotional affair with the other woman. Most likely there was some touching probably kissing at that dinner that lasted all night.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 He has just been so inconsiderate of my boundaries and comfort level... Yeah. Turn all this around and imagine you had a guy friend visiting, and you offered up your bathroom to him, and did all these other things your guy did to accommodate her. Not cool.
threebyfate Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 New Again, what common interests does your b/f share with this girl that they're friends enough for her to stay with him?
Author New Again Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 Yeah. Turn all this around and imagine you had a guy friend visiting, and you offered up your bathroom to him, and did all these other things your guy did to accommodate her. Not cool. My bf keeps saying that he wants me to think of his home as my home, and that that's how he thinks of it, but when he does things like that I can't help but feel that it is HIS, not mine and not ours. New Again, what common interests does your b/f share with this girl that they're friends enough for her to stay with him? The only thing they have in common is one mutual friend, which is how they met. The mutual friend used to be Jane's best friend - they had some kind of falling out though, last year when Jane came to visit. Not sure of the details, though the friend has mentioned it to me. Jane seems unaware that there was any kind of issue, but she is also subtly manipulative, so who knows. The mutual friend refused to see Jane when she was available, then was out of town for the weekend. The mutual friend told me that Jane is trying to be friends with all of her friends, and she thinks it's weird that Jane invited herself to stay with my bf. The mutual friend is a good friend of my bf's, and I am friendly with her as well. One thing that really irked me was Jane and my bf kept making fun of, picking on, putting down the mutual friend all weekend. I doubt they thought it was mean-spirited, but it seems I have a much different definition of what's socially acceptable and appropriate than they do. I think that my bf assumed the mutual friend would mostly be entertaining Jane, and then when he found out she was busy/going out of town he felt responsible or something? She can be a fun girl, but I don't like how she acts, and I think she is way too much work. Other than insisting we spend four days with this girl and being so accommodating, there wasn't anything inappropriate about his behavior. When she was swatting him and trying to drag him away from the group he shook her off. He didn't even want to take her to the train when she left, he wanted me to do it, and I insisted either he could or she could take a cab (he tried to hint at the cab and she insisted he drive her). He never ignored me in favor of her or anything like that. I guess my big issue, aside from the girl herself, is feeling that he wasn't considerate of my comfort level. This could possibly be attributed to the different ways we were raised.
threebyfate Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I'm going to put this into what my perception of the pertinent points are: You feel she's interested in your b/f as more than a friend.She's obnoxious.Your b/f is being inconsiderate.So how will you address these points? If you don't address these points with him, resentment has and will build. I would seriously question your b/f about what he gets out of his friendship with this girl. My guess based on the information you've provided is: Your b/f enjoys the female attention.He enjoys the opportunity to rip on a mutual friend.She's entertaining to him.Reasons 1 and 2 of the guessed reasons would have me personally punting him out the door.
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