tenaciousone Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I began dating a man, Mark. We had been dating for 6 months. Brilliant man, humorous and of course tall, dark and handsome. Of course I would not be here if it weren't for my quandary. I am very independent though recognize the importance of balance in a relationship. Mark, was very attentive and showered me with affection and care. However, for various reasons I began feeling as though we were not headed in a direction I felt was balanced. Very difficult to explain, though Mark was very open and communicative just not about his emotions. One of those things where actions were definitely louder than words as we would not of lasted if it hadn't been for that. We were not living together though almost as such because of the amount of time we had spent together. Well, everything came to an abrupt halt when Mark ended up in the hospital. I discovered many things during his month away. During this process, I began emotionally shutting myself down unknowingly as I knew he needed it. Eventually, I broke things off with Mark. I realized he had to focus on him and that was best. Mark was confused and didn't understand though also did not put up a fight..which was good as I didn't want him too. I just wanted to see this great man get better. Please understand I did not desert him at all. It was best. As it turns out, a recently reacquainted childhood friend of Marks who I had met once briefly reached out to me. What started out as innocent friendship blew into to amazing fire and very unexpectedly. Josh and I both are of course battling with this. While we both know our intentions were not this.. though we both lean toward not wanting to miss out on testing the water with what we both feel maybe something amazing between us. However our right choice was we both chose to walk away. If we make it back after time to each other it then so be it. Well now many months later.. here I am still friends with Mark. He is still not able to "commit" per say but wants nothing more than to romantically have me in his life which I have concluded is not a good idea.. just friends. I get little out the way text, email from Josh every so often. Can't get him out of my mind and clearly I am not out of his mind. What to do my dear cyberspace wiseone's???? If I am honest I want to jump both feet first and further explore Josh.
brokenheart1 Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 i personally think it would be inappropriate. if you're obviously independent and has a good package, you should have many men after you. think about it in the reserve situation. would you be okay if your ex lover wanted to date one of your friends? do you want to be with someone who isn't loyal to his friend? it depends on what you care about and don't. are okay with it, question is would you be okay with it if its' done to you.
You'reasian Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I began dating a man, Mark. We had been dating for 6 months. Brilliant man, humorous and of course tall, dark and handsome. Of course I would not be here if it weren't for my quandary. I am very independent though recognize the importance of balance in a relationship. Mark, was very attentive and showered me with affection and care. However, for various reasons I began feeling as though we were not headed in a direction I felt was balanced. Very difficult to explain, though Mark was very open and communicative just not about his emotions. One of those things where actions were definitely louder than words as we would not of lasted if it hadn't been for that. We were not living together though almost as such because of the amount of time we had spent together. Well, everything came to an abrupt halt when Mark ended up in the hospital. I discovered many things during his month away. During this process, I began emotionally shutting myself down unknowingly as I knew he needed it. Eventually, I broke things off with Mark. I realized he had to focus on him and that was best. Mark was confused and didn't understand though also did not put up a fight..which was good as I didn't want him too. I just wanted to see this great man get better. Please understand I did not desert him at all. It was best. As it turns out, a recently reacquainted childhood friend of Marks who I had met once briefly reached out to me. What started out as innocent friendship blew into to amazing fire and very unexpectedly. Josh and I both are of course battling with this. While we both know our intentions were not this.. though we both lean toward not wanting to miss out on testing the water with what we both feel maybe something amazing between us. However our right choice was we both chose to walk away. If we make it back after time to each other it then so be it. Well now many months later.. here I am still friends with Mark. He is still not able to "commit" per say but wants nothing more than to romantically have me in his life which I have concluded is not a good idea.. just friends. I get little out the way text, email from Josh every so often. Can't get him out of my mind and clearly I am not out of his mind. What to do my dear cyberspace wiseone's???? If I am honest I want to jump both feet first and further explore Josh. You're not interested in Mark any longer. Tell him that you can't continue the relationship with him and let him move on to what he needs. You are interested in Josh, for whatever reasons - so you're better off focusing your energies on him.
Serenitynow Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 (edited) of course tall, dark and handsomeOF COURSE ? wow can you be any more self absorbed ? During this process, I began emotionally shutting myself down unknowingly as I knew he needed it.Since when does someone NEED their partner to emotionally shut down ? If you KNEW he needed it, than how did you unknowingly do it ? who I had met once briefly reached out to meGuys dont REACH OUT to women, hes trying to get his foot in the door while his so called "friend" is out of the picture. He is still not able to "commit" per say but wants nothing more than to romantically have me in his life Isnt wanting someone in your life a form of seeking committing ? You are so vague in your post it really doesnt give anyone that reads it enough info to make a call on what is going on. It sounds like you are trying to twist some things around so you dont sound like your hands are getting dirty. If you want an honest opinion, you need to be honest and give details. Did you have sex with both men ? What is the jist of this commitment phobia you are speaking of ? If you had sex with Josh after Mark, how do you know Josh didnt just want to hit it n quit ? And just use your "we shouldnt do this " excuse as a way to walk away scot-free ? . Edited July 2, 2010 by Serenitynow
Author tenaciousone Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 Well I am not self absorbed.. was pointing out Mark's positives. I was vague in my post as I could write a book here.. however a few further details is that Mark attempted suicide. Our relationship started on false realities on his part and later thru this process learned that hewas diagnosed as bipolar. Further, when I began shutting down.. I was not aware of this and I was very much so trying all I could to be there for him and help him. I felt any information about me would cause undue stress. Ultimately, I did shut down which was natural given all we/he had been thru. A bit more information was that one month prior to meeting me Mark had attempted suicide for the first time. This of course all unknown to me. I consider myself a quick judge of character.. he masked his pain so much.. I had no clue. In talking with his doctors.. I realize so many things in his behavior now. Though really who even begins thinking that a man they just started dating would have suicidal tenancies. At first look I realize that that Josh looks like a jerk of guy for reaching out..as you refer to as trying to get sum while his friend is out of the picture. I assure you this is exactly the reaction most would have and heard plenty of.. however, this is not debated in my perspective. No sex or even a kiss has been exchanged for that matter with Josh. I care for Mark and realize that he a great man. He has some very big things he needs to deal with. While the issue is not commitment so much as I previously stated..at least that is not my concern. More importantly, I want to be there for him. He presses for more very passively. I do not abandon people I care for. However, he is making it very challenging for me to remain in his life while crossing the lines of our friendship. I am very interested in Josh and wish that this man wasn't remotely attached to Mark but he is and I/we are both trying to do what is best for each of us. Hence my post and definite quandary!
Serenitynow Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Ahhh now we can see whats going on. I think that Mark is not in any shape for a serious relationship at this time, he has far greater issues to deal with. I think that getting with Josh is out of the question as well, because if you care about Mark, than I'm sure you know how it could hurt him. .
Author tenaciousone Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 Frustrating as all get out! I also would like to say that in part more confusion lies within myself. Looking back several months ago... despite some verbal emotional shut downs I thought the world of Mark. Even more strange that this man who chose to try and end his life twice could even possibly make me happy. Which he did. I loved his mind, my family adored him etc. Great guy! Again, didn't suspect a thing. I am angry. I feel lied to and I have to suppress those feelings because in reality Mark was not well right? Well yes but it pissed me off! Am I wrong to feel this way? Logically, I clearly know it is not though emotionally I fall victim. So I then am double whammy-ed with the notion that by doing the right thing I have to potentially lose out on another great guy! No offense to men.. but hey it is wild and crazy dating some of you! As I am sure the feeling is quite mutual when reversed. If I am real with myself. I am mad. I need to get over being mad and such a freak-in large part of me wants to not give anymore to Mark. Not so much in doing what is right as strong as that force is though also because I do care about Mark. I think I need to walk away from our friendship in retrospect so that I can move thru some of my feelings and stop giving so much of me. Fearing that if I don't Mark might crumble. Which I don't say to to be coy just my fear of what he would do given his past. Still troubled.. but choosing to swim to more shallow water!
Serenitynow Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Even more strange that this man who chose to try and end his life twice could even possibly make me happy. Just take a look at most of the posts here. Women love having relationships with problematic men Seems to be the norm nowadays And I dont think its as wild and crazy as you think it is, I think too many women create or manifest their own drama in relationships with a guy. ,
Author tenaciousone Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 I have experienced a number of friends that have appeared that way and in fact were that way! However, I am not one of them. Yes, I am very nurturing by nature in my relationships though that is not to be mistaken for "trying to fix a man" Again, when we began dating Mark was one that was attentive to me, caring and almost catering to me. Which we discussed in the beginning. That although I appreciated all he did. I asked that he tame it down a bit as I was more independent. Not to mention, as stated previously that in part that is where I got mad. I didn't see this coming. I would never of involved myself with a man like this. Relationships and partnerships are to enhance lives not be the part that makes someone whole. I want no part in that. Yes, ii is great to feel that I make a man's world shine and rock.. You bet.. far different from being the life he breaths. If that would be want I wanted wouldn't it make better sense if my thread read like this... "I am in love with a man that doesn't love himself enough to live.. how can I help him to love himself so he can begin loving me? Please help! Food for thought! Thanks as always for your feedback!
gamma1 Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 It is very hard to change someone's personality. It usually has to come from within. You should find a new man without so many issues. There would be much less stress on you over the long term.
motive2002 Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Don't. Just don't. Unless you're in Mark's brain, you have no idea what's really going on. I had an ex-girlfriend feel "betrayed" by some seemingly innocent behavior on my part... she thought I was feeling a certain way I wasn't, and my ex-best friend thought she was "fair game". The bottom line was she had a boner for my best friend and tried to justify moving in on him in any way possible, which is what it sounds like you're doing here. It ended a 20+ year friendship and turned into a horrible mess. I think the taboo of your situation adds a certain level of excitement there that wouldn't be there if Josh was just some dude you met off the street. Think about it. If you have no problem with the concept of wrecking a friendship, then go right ahead.
Author tenaciousone Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 Thank you for all for your input. I have made my decisions regarding both men. I have decided not to continuing being Mark's friend. I feel it is best for us both. Because the sensitive situation I chose to be friends with Mark at the beginning. However, it is clear that he needs to handle his problems. Far more involved than that. He truly doesn't look at our relationship as friends. So by remaining in his life as a friend, I feel I am only enabling that. I have also deciding not to move forward with Josh. There are a million fish in the sea and he is not one that is fair game. Thanks again all!
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