retro_muz Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 In a nut shell, started seeing a girl 3-4 years ago, after 2-3 months I stopped it getting serious because I wasn’t ready, too soon after a previous relationship of mine. We stayed good friends & she got into a relationship with someone else, I carried on the single life but eventually realised I actually had a lot of feelings for her, if I got another chance I’d take it. I knew her other relationship would eventually end as she wasn’t happy and they seemed to be forever splitting up and getting back together. April last year she broke up this relationship, she invited me out for some drinks and a catch up and we went from there until we made it official in late June time that we were together. I was very happy and fell quickly in love. March this year she tried to break it off with me, I was gutted and as we spoke managed to convince her we needed to stay together and work at it. She agreed. Two weeks later she told me she’d slept with her ex twice in late Oct early Nov and that on two other occasions things had gone on but not sex. Her reasons being she thought we weren’t going to work, she hadn’t been happy, struggled to take me seriously due to what happened the first time around (even though I had told her I loved her) and mostly thought she still loved her ex, wasn’t over him, had unfinished business. He’d told her he loved her, wanted her back and that she wasn’t happy with me. One close friend of hers had also played a part in telling her she thought she’d been happier with her ex. I’ve never been so completely and utterly heartbroken, I’ve never hurt like that before, I’d genially thought she was ‘the one’, I began dealing with feelings of betrayal, foolishness and anger, I was broken. We’re 3-4 months into rebuilding our relationship, she told me it was the biggest mistake of her life, she knows there is no excuse for what she did, she failed to talk with me and did the worst thing she could have, she’s apologised, come clean about everything, vowed to rebuild us and said that I was always in her heart but she was unbelievably confused and messed up. She’s convinced I’m the love of her life and hates herself for the mess she’s put us in. Any relationship or contact with her ex has been completely removed and despite some resistance and trouble when she first came clean with me her ex has accepted its over between them and stopped trying to split us up. I confronted her friend who explained she simply thought she was doing what was best for her. However I can’t decide whether I’m being fair to myself, I’ve no doubt I love the girl with all my heart, although I’m sometimes finding it hard to feel the love through the anger, bitterness and resentment that seems to build inside. I want to be over this and put it behind me/us, I want all of it to stop haunting me and for me and her to be happy, however I worry I’m being weak, love blind, a mug. I worry its all been too easy for her, I’m worried I’ll not get over it and that we’ll never fully recover, will I ever wake up in morning and go the whole day without thinking about it?!! I’d like your opinions, and for what its worth I genuinely believe she’s is true in her apologies, explanations, love for me and I do talk about all these worries with her. She’s said she expects nothing from me, simply hopes. I’d just like an outside unattached opinion. Thanks in advance
sean1970 Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I knew her other relationship would eventually end as she wasn’t happy and they seemed to be forever splitting up and getting back together. Ding ding ding!!!!! March this year she tried to break it off with me, I was gutted and as we spoke managed to convince her we needed to stay together and work at it. She agreed. Two weeks later she told me she’d slept with her ex twice in late Oct early Nov and that on two other occasions things had gone on but not sex. Just so we are clear, she cheated more than once and lied... Her reasons being she thought we weren’t going to work, she hadn’t been happy Translation: Im a self absorbed coward. struggled to take me seriously due to what happened the first time around (even though I had told her I loved her) Translation: "I cheated yes, but I have to find a way to share blame with you." "and mostly thought she still loved her ex, wasn’t over him, had unfinished business." Indeed, they were not done splitting up and getting back together apparently. "Thanks for giving me the heads up sweetie!" He’d told her he loved her, wanted her back and that she wasn’t happy with me. So he tells her how she feels? Really? she’s apologised, come clean about everything, There is more? ...vowed to rebuild us and said that I was always in her heart but she was unbelievably confused and messed up. She’s convinced I’m the love of her life and hates herself for the mess she’s put us in. Any relationship or contact with her ex has been completely removed and despite some resistance and trouble when she first came clean with me her ex has accepted its over between them and stopped trying to split us up. I confronted her friend who explained she simply thought she was doing what was best for her. However I can’t decide whether I’m being fair to myself, I’ve no doubt I love the girl with all my heart, although I’m sometimes finding it hard to feel the love through the anger, bitterness and resentment that seems to build inside. I want to be over this and put it behind me/us, I want all of it to stop haunting me and for me and her to be happy, however I worry I’m being weak, love blind, a mug. I worry its all been too easy for her, I’m worried I’ll not get over it and that we’ll never fully recover, will I ever wake up in morning and go the whole day without thinking about it?!! I’d like your opinions, and for what its worth I genuinely believe she’s is true in her apologies, explanations, love for me and I do talk about all these worries with her. She’s said she expects nothing from me, simply hopes. I’d just like an outside unattached opinion. Thanks in advance Recovering from infidelity is the hardest thing in a relationship. IMHO, it is because it directly attacks something more important in a successful relationship than love; trust. You know this right now, It dont care how you might phrase that you do, you don't trust her. It happened to me once, and like you, I took her back. The odd thing was, I had an easier time forgiving her for the act than I did me for taking her back. This, in concert with constant mistrust of her actions and whereabouts make quick work of the second time around. Ill leave you with this... If more people trusted their gut when it came to these types of things (and getting into relationships with certain people), they would save themselves a lot of pain and LS much bandwidth...
vivrantflo Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Cheaters are liars, so don't think for one second that you're getting the full story, or even the truth.. This chick got plowed this dude twice behind your back late last year, and she told you in March from what I understand?? She told this guy that she wasn't happy with you, but now she's happy? What about you, or her changed, that would warrant her changing her tune about you?? I would bet my next paycheck, that the other guy may have found another woman... which would indirectly push your girl into your arms, cause she has no where else to go! I know you love her, but its not worth the pain. How can you trust her? How can you be with her, knowing that she's capable of screwing around on you quite easily, as long as she can justify it in her own head, and then apologize for it later?!?!?
Author retro_muz Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 Hard to digest but thanks for the responses. I would bet my next paycheck, that the other guy may have found another woman... I know this isn’t true due to the trouble we had getting him to leave us alone, he contacted me on more than one occasion telling me what went on etc. I’d taken comfort in the fact this wasn’t just some random that she’d done this with but someone she had feelings for and potentially loved, but in the back of my mind I know this should make no difference to me. I’m beginning to think I need to take the hit and move on, i just know already its going to be one of those situations where I wish I could just fast forward a year and be over it. I still feel as though I’m in shock sometimes with all of it…
spyyder Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I'm a big fan of getting back together & 2nd chances (I'm in one now myself) but sorry YOU CAN'T and SHOULD NOT get back with a girl like that. Seriously, how can you want to have a relationship with someone that cheated on you. She had sex with another guy dude - that is THE worst thing you can do to your partner, and is something that takes several stages to do (e.g. seeing, talking, kissing, undressing, then ****ing) which she all did, and could have stopped at any stage. Heck she did it twice! She did it twice why wouldn't she do it again?!?!? I know I'd rather get shot in the leg by my gf than have her cheat on me, but for you I almost know that she'll cheat on you again. She has no respect for you and doesn't care enough for you to keep her legs closed. If you do get back together, what she did (and can do again) WILL haunt you all the time and you will have problems trusting her, and she'll want to break up because you don't trust her despite her being so so unloyal.
ALombard Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Ok Retro, this is aimed DIRECTLY at you. You NEED to really listen to me and take what I say to heart. I was with a girl for 4 1/2 years. Loved her with all my heart, I was willing to take a bullet for her if the occasion ever arose. After 2 1/2 years I find out through HER BEST FRIENDS that she had cheated on me. I confront her, she denies it, I believe her and not her friends. I take her back THE NEXT day. Things are good for a little but I can't get the thought that she is lying to me out of my head. We break up, we still hang out and hook up though. We get back together a few months later, I find out a month later that she was seeing another guy during our break up while we were still sleeping together, acting like a couple, etc. I still stay with her. Once again things are good for a little again, we break up again because my trust issues with her started to show. Once again we still hook up and act like a couple, find out that she is once again seeing another guy (deja vu?). Get back together, things are good, she dumps me for another guy. Do you see the pattern? Now I only did what I did because I was young when this all started and because after the first time I got back with her I was made to believe it was my fault that she cheated and had my confidence crushed. I became a doormat for her for 2 more years after that. When I finally grew my balls back she didn't like the new me and left. I am telling you my story because this is what will happen to you if you don't bite the bullet, grab your balls and declare you are a f*cking man. Leave the b*tch, she already lied to you and she will keep doing it. My ex told me plenty of times after each guy that she was sorry and would "never do that to me again". Being single for the first month sucks I'm not going to lie but after it gets better. Become selfish, it's YOUR life. Not hers. Don't risk your happiness for a slut. I did and it almost killed me. You're better off by yourself. I can't tell you when it will happen but you will find a better girl.
Author retro_muz Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 Cheers again for all the responses, I’m 24 and this is my third serious relationship, I’ve heard people say f*** love in the past but never understood it until now. I feel as though I’m breaking my own heart again coming to terms with the fact I shouldn’t be with her. I thought I’d maybe get a couple of positive posts reinforcing my decision to give her another chance, but its seems clear that people think what happened is unforgivable. I can’t even bear the thought of telling her it’s over because I don’t want to hurt and upset her, how pathetic is that??!!
ComputerJock Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 go nc and break off all contact. get yourself some new friends, not those who tell her its okay to cheat, and find new places to hang out. Work on youself. Read the coping section for advice and the 180 steps. Good Luck.
spriggig Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 My wife cheated on me so I can understand your desire to stay with her. Others may disagree with me here, but I think the only thing you two have is the fact that it's still early in the relationship, that is you aren't married with kids and a mortgage. IF you both want to continue to try, trust on both sides is the biggest obstacle. She has to give up all contact with the other man, you have to be able to confirm at any time she is being faithful--facebook passwords, email passwords and access to her phone and logs. She willingly and without complaint gives up all privacy in her social life until you are comfortable that she is being faithful. She has to dump the friends that enabled her cheating. As long as she plays ball, you have to treat her like gold. The minute you smell a rat, bail and don't look back. If things go well, don't marry for at least three years.
MR2U Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 If you stay with her then that is the rest of your life.
hurt and devastated Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I don't think what you're saying is wrong, spriggig. There is a chance that their relationship could work out. Retro, the biggest question you're going to have to ask yourself is if you can trust her again. My wife cheated on me as well, and even though I would love nothing more than to have her ask me to come back and try to work things out, I honestly don't think I could ever trust her any more. I also agree with the terms sprig put down. She needs to realise that she has to earn your trust. If she isn't willing to go along with that, then it's time to move on.
aerogurl87 Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Take her back and she'll lose respect for you. I lost all respect for my ex when he begged for me back after I cheated on him. Save yourself the pain and move on (and yes I know it will be hard) but it'll be for the best for both of you.
Author retro_muz Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 A few of you have mentioned about respect, and over the last couple of days I’ve began to realise this is an issue. I do worry about the respect that she has for me and how me giving her a second chance despite what happened might have affected it. But overall something which felt good to realise is that I think I’m having trouble with respect for myself. Nearly 4 months into trying to recover us shes given me everything I’ve asked of her and listened and talked about everything I’ve needed to. We’ve had some good times in the last 4 months too. If we where going to overcome this then I’d be expecting to start feeling better by now. Cheers again for all the responses.
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