rebeccajones Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 We are nearing 40. My family is pressuring me a bit to get married, which is ok in a way they are just trying to protect me. My boyfriend and I are happy. He is from Europe and has the attitude that marriage does not mean much and basically is kind of against it. He is not thinking marriage and family. He does say he will think about it, he is not on a set timeline, and he says he is very happy with me and that we are moving forward together. But now with the pressure I'm resenting or not trusting him a little bit. After 1.7 years what do I need to know? We have talked extensively, I tell him about my family and my desire to have a child and how I don't have alot of time. I tell him it's something I really want, marriage, family. I have not really pressured him, but I'm thinking that when it gets to two years I will. Is this a lost cause?
Serenitynow Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Theres like 100 scenarios that could be possible. he could be afraid of commitment he could like being in the relationship for steady sex maybe he doesnt wants kids, so hes stalling the marriage maybe hes afraid the relationship will change after marriage maybe hes afraid of losing his finances to you if you get divorced we can go on and on all day with opinions. no one can tell you what hes thinking. Even if you ask him directly, you still dont know if you are getting a straight answer, or if hes just giving you an answer to pacify you for a few more months .
Author rebeccajones Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 What I'm asking is should I give it more time or just break it off? Give him an ultimatum?
Crazy Magnet Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I'll never understand why people don't talk more about the long term aspect of a relationship in the beginning? Why waste two years to find out you are not on the same page. If you want kids more than anything else in this world then you need to lay all your cards out there and stop waiting for him to make up his mind. Are you prepared to leave him and then have a kid by yourself (as in, is that how much you want children?) Also, when you say nearing 40 what do you mean? 39.5? 38? 37? Those three years make a difference in terms of having children. I know there a lot of media out there saying it's perfectly ok to have children at 40 or after, but it's really not. The risks are astronomical and it's very difficult for most women to get pregnant at that age if they have never had children before. I'm rather straight forward and frank in a relationship. I would say this is what I want xxx yyy zzzzz....can you give me these things or no? If he said no I would walk, but that's just me.
norajane Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 has the attitude that marriage does not mean much and basically is kind of against it. He is not thinking marriage and family. He has already told you how he feels, which is in direct contrast to your desire for marriage and children. Have you told him you want marriage and kids? Does he already know that, or would this be new information for him? What did you tell him when he said he was against marriage and isn't thinking about kids? I don't think ultimatums or anything else will change his mind. If you want marriage and family, you are likely to have to find that with someone else. But definitely talk to him about it. Tell him that marriage and family is important to you, so you need to understand whether he has changed his mind about marriage and family. And if he has not changed his mind, you have to decide whether you can live with that or not.
torranceshipman Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 We are nearing 40. My family is pressuring me a bit to get married, which is ok in a way they are just trying to protect me. My boyfriend and I are happy. He is from Europe and has the attitude that marriage does not mean much and basically is kind of against it. He is not thinking marriage and family. He does say he will think about it, he is not on a set timeline, and he says he is very happy with me and that we are moving forward together. But now with the pressure I'm resenting or not trusting him a little bit. After 1.7 years what do I need to know? We have talked extensively, I tell him about my family and my desire to have a child and how I don't have alot of time. I tell him it's something I really want, marriage, family. I have not really pressured him, but I'm thinking that when it gets to two years I will. Is this a lost cause? You mntioned he is from Europe...just wanted to say that there is no cultural differences in later life between European and American views on M so I hope he is not using that as an excuse.
aerogurl87 Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 He doesn't want to get married, plain and simple. A man at that age should know whether or not he wants to get married and if he's saying it's not that important to him and he needs time to think about it after being with you for almost 2 years and having had 40 years to figure out if it was something he wanted in life, he doesn't want to get married. Now whether that's to you or just in general, I don't know. But it's certain he doesn't want to get married. So now you have two choices. 1) Be happy with just happily cohabitating with this man (you did say you were happy) or 2) leave him and hope to find someone who wants to be married and have kids like yourself. But really as crazy magnet said, you should've figured out if he wanted all this within the first 3 months of dating.
SarahRose Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 What I'm asking is should I give it more time or just break it off? Give him an ultimatum? More time won't make any difference. You would just be wasting more time that you don't have. I would just make arrangements to move out.
SarahRose Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I'll never understand why people don't talk more about the long term aspect of a relationship in the beginning? Why waste two years to find out you are not on the same page. If you want kids more than anything else in this world then you need to lay all your cards out there and stop waiting for him to make up his mind. Are you prepared to leave him and then have a kid by yourself (as in, is that how much you want children?) Also, when you say nearing 40 what do you mean? 39.5? 38? 37? Those three years make a difference in terms of having children. I know there a lot of media out there saying it's perfectly ok to have children at 40 or after, but it's really not. The risks are astronomical and it's very difficult for most women to get pregnant at that age if they have never had children before. I'm rather straight forward and frank in a relationship. I would say this is what I want xxx yyy zzzzz....can you give me these things or no? If he said no I would walk, but that's just me. Because a lot of men tend not be honest about these things.
Author rebeccajones Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 Yes we did talk about marriage in the first few months of dating and then he said it was not enough time. He says he is not on a timeline. He is happy with me, he knows what I want, but is not saying he does. Maybe I should have been with someone who knew they wanted marriage and a family from the beginning, but he was the one I chose to be with. So sounds like if he does not want it, he never will. Makes sense.
Author rebeccajones Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 I don't have much time to have kids but should that be his problem? I mean I'm the one who waited I don't feel I have a right to pressure him.
SarahRose Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Yes we did talk about marriage in the first few months of dating and then he said it was not enough time. He says he is not on a timeline. He is happy with me, he knows what I want, but is not saying he does. Maybe I should have been with someone who knew they wanted marriage and a family from the beginning, but he was the one I chose to be with. So sounds like if he does not want it, he never will. Makes sense. I really understand this. They say they aren't ready and then 1 year passes then 2 and so on and you realize they weren't being honest. Does he realize you ARE on a timeline in a sense because you do have a finite period to have children? What are you going to do?
Author rebeccajones Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 Yes he knows I'm on a timeline. I tell him.
Serenitynow Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Why waste two years to find out you are not on the same page.because too many people are afraid to be alone , and would rather give up what they want just to be with someone This is in no way pointed at the OP I'm simply answering that question in a general manner.
Author rebeccajones Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 (edited) I can be alone, although I love having a partner and someone to love. I'm not afraid to be alone, I actaully like my own time and space. I love him and that's why it's not easy to walk away, we are actually very happy together. I feel as if I am the one who waited so long for kids and marriage and why should I put all the pressure on him. It is my own fault. Edited July 2, 2010 by rebeccajones
that girl Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 RebeccaJones, you need to ask him right now if he would consider having a baby. Lay it out on the table. Fairness to him isn't an issue because if he is up for fatherhood, he'd rather have a baby than lose you. You shouldn't push him into having a baby with you, but you don't know where you stand until you clearly ask. Asking him a year ago does not mean you know his answer now. Also, when you say nearing 40 what do you mean? 39.5? 38? 37? Those three years make a difference in terms of having children. I know there a lot of media out there saying it's perfectly ok to have children at 40 or after, but it's really not. The risks are astronomical and it's very difficult for most women to get pregnant at that age if they have never had children before. This isn't actually true. The risks do get much, much higher, but the risk of birth defects for a 40 year old mother is 5-8% (compared to under 1% for a 20 year old mother). Those odds do rise very quickly after 40, to the point that a 45 year old mother has a 1 in 10 chance of a baby with Down's Syndrome plus higher rates of all birth defects. And if you're using IVF with your own eggs, they can screen out genetic abnormalities. Fertility is a bigger issue and many women that age can't get pregnant, but it isn't as if a pregnancy is doomed.
FitChick Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Does the original poster have a clue about raising kids? Does she spend lots of time around them? Does she know the emotional and financial cost to a marriage, which is why many people divorce? Study after study which I've read over the past thirty years in both the US and UK consistently show that two-thirds of parents, if they had the chance to do it over again knowing what they know now, would never have kids! Hmmm, what do they know that non-parents don't, I wonder? Too many women fall for the fantasy and then end up single or divorced with one or more kids, wishing they had their old life back. If OP truly loves this man and is happy, don't rock the boat. Otherwise, find a man who is desperate to become a father.
Author rebeccajones Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 Thanks for the replies. The way it all started is I was being pressured by my father, but I also still want to know my bf's stance on marriage & family. Anyway I don't know what to do at this point. He's happy with me, but does not have the "feeling" of wanting to get married. Alot of people around us are getting married. We are happy, but in my mind I think I too will marry, but then I could be just fooling myself so I ask him and he just doesn't have the desire or know if he ever will.
norajane Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Thanks for the replies. The way it all started is I was being pressured by my father, but I also still want to know my bf's stance on marriage & family. Anyway I don't know what to do at this point. He's happy with me, but does not have the "feeling" of wanting to get married. Alot of people around us are getting married. We are happy, but in my mind I think I too will marry, but then I could be just fooling myself so I ask him and he just doesn't have the desire or know if he ever will. He. does. not. want. to. get. married. Not to you. Maybe not to anyone, ever, but definitely not to you. When he says he doesn't have the feeling, he means he doesn't have the feeling of being unable and unwilling to live without you. So, it's up to you what you decide to you. If you really want marriage and family, you will have to leave him and find that with another man. If you don't care about marriage and family, then stay where you are and enjoy your relationship for what it is.
Author rebeccajones Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 I don't have the feeling that I am unable to live without him either.
txsilkysmoothe Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 You're almost 40 years old. Your father and other family members shouldn't have any influence on how you live your life. That really surprises me. The family involvement would be enough to make a man think twice about marrying you. Which do you want more? A child or the current boyfriend? Will you be happy living the rest of your life with him, childless? If yes, is he interested in being with you for the rest of your life? Are you willing to just live together or do you want marriage?
Author rebeccajones Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 yea I know I am totally letting my father upset me and have been obsessing over it. I see what you mean. It's not a turn on and I am pushing him away. I love him and am happy I need to answer those questions, I do know I want to married but does not have to be now, but in the future. I feel it now though and think of it as a positive thing, he does not. So right now I don't know yet what I will do.
Diezel Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 You're almost 40 years old. Your father and other family members shouldn't have any influence on how you live your life. That really surprises me. The family involvement would be enough to make a man think twice about marrying you. Which do you want more? A child or the current boyfriend? Will you be happy living the rest of your life with him, childless? If yes, is he interested in being with you for the rest of your life? Are you willing to just live together or do you want marriage? BINGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Read through this whole thread and saw someone who GOT IT. READ the OP carefully. At no point does she state what SHE wants, she says that she's feeling pressure from OTHER people about she SHOULD be wanting. OP, it seems that you were perfectly fine with this relationship until other people decided to get nosy and start pressuing you into doing things. They're stirring up a hornet's nest that THEY aren't going to have to deal with. You two have been living together for 11 months, going out for almost 2 years. Please, tell me, what is going to change for you if you get married that you already AREN'T doing now? Your family will finally get off your back? You can do that already by standing up for yourself and telling your family: Hey, it's MY relationship and I'm old enough to make decisions for myself, OKAY?
Author rebeccajones Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 I do need to stand up for myself. I'm glad I went through this I know what I need to do hopefully!
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