hello to everyone

[worlybear]

"A man of words and not of deeds, is like a garden full of weeds....."

[Namul]

I am not judging your actions. I cheated on my wife. She found out, and we are still together after a long rocky time. We have trust issues now, but we talk more and are closer than we have ever been because of all of the stuff that was brought squirming into the light. We still have issues, and insecurities, but now we don't suppress them, we deal with them. Not every woman is as loving and forgiving as my wife.

 

After seeing what the devistation of my choice to cheat did to my wife, I will feel guilt and regret for it until I die. Even before she found out, the guilt of it changed the way I acted and responded to things. There were a lot of issues, and problems, and rationalizations, and resentments on both of our parts, that I believe eased me into making the choice to cheat, but the choice was mine. Nothing my wife did made me cheat. There were plenty of other ways to resolve our issues. I chose to cheat.

 

You have chosen to cheat as well. You need to do some self examination. Why are you cheating on your wife. What are you holding against her. What are you getting out of cheating? Why aren't you happy with your wife? Why are you happy with the OW?

 

Have you given your wife the chance to help you be happy? I didn't, I just kept things inside and then went elsewhere.

 

What is this OW giving you that your wife isn't? Is this OW really that great, or after leaving your wife and living openly with the OW are you going to start seeing the real her when the day to day grind kicks in? Will you then look elsewhere once again?

 

Mine wasn't a love affair it was just a sexual gratification that I selfishly felt I was owed because I wasn't happy. I had no problems ending it since it was a one night stand.

 

You loved your wife enough to marry her, and then you found a reason to Cheat. Now you need to really figure out why you are doing it, and if it is really what you think it is. No matter how you rationalize it, your wife has done nothing to deserve what you are doing to her. It will be the hardest thing of your life, but examine yourself, and make a choice to work things out with your wife or end it. You owe her that much.

[September]

Oh my! Some very nasty responses!

 

I was a married "whore" that had a very physical and loving relationship with a MM for 18 months.

 

What started out as a completely innocent friendship grew into an incredible deep love for each other. Like you we used to just talk about anything and everything. Unfortunately for all involved, that friendship grew to attraction then love. Like an addict needing their fix, so did we. Just talking and seeing each other relieved the addiction. It's an incredible connection and until you have been through it, is impossible to describe.

 

When D-day came, and it invariably does, he threw me under the bus. If I had told him a year ago that's what he would do to me after he was caught, he would never believe that of himself. I thought he would never do it to me either.

 

What you need to do is decide. Have a long, hard and very serious look at your relationship with both women. Can you deal with being away from your family? Can you deal with the guilt you will feel for putting them through leaving and the affair? It's the repercussions that a lot of MM don't really think about until they are caught or after they leave.

 

I wish you the best of luck, you are on a train wreck about to happen that is very, very hard to get off of.

[Fallen Angel]

I seriously doubt the quailty of this OW who had fallen for someone like you when you first met through online with only messages being exchanged.

 

you judge the "quality of his OW based on how they met?? Well, since he met and fell in love with his OW in the EXACT SAME MANNER then I guess his quality is also lacking?

 

WOW! Nice!

[lolapalooza]

I was thinking the exact same thing, Jim.

 

People in affairs will say or think anything to justify their affair and to sustain it.

Those recently out of affairs tend to say or think anything that keeps them from accepting full responsibility and admitting they made a terrible mistake.

 

All part and parcel of the affair delusion.

 

Just like the OP in this thread is deluding himself.

[OWoman]

The affair has recently ended. And the reason for this was i could make the commitement to the ow she wanted. Yet deep inside i do want to be with the ow but i cant leave the kids. the relationship with the w hasnt been good for years, long before any A. everyone says if the m is done then just walk away but its not always that easy

 

IAS, I'm sorry you got hit by the hate brigade on your first posting at LS. Belated welcome, anyway.

 

I'm sorry your A didn't work out for you, and that you lacked the strength to follow through and choose what was best for you. It's a difficult position to be in, especially if your W would be vindictive enough to limit your access to your kids if you left.

 

Some MMs do succeed in leaving, and have happy Ms to their fOWs and good, strong Rs with their kids. There are some fMMs on LS who are now M to their fOWs, and some of us fOWs now M to our fMMs. Sometimes it does work out well and happily, for the kids too. Perhaps you should consider some IC, and if you do get up the courage to walk away from your M, have some family counselling before the split, to protect the kids from the fall-out and to build healthy strong Rs with them through and after the D.

 

Good luck - I hope things work out for you.

[itsastruggle]

id just like to thank everyone who has taken the time to post replies. fair enough some, well most are critical of the situation and are intitled to their views. i wasnt looking for sympathy from people who dont know me or my situation and find it interesting how quickly people are to judge. maybe i was wrong to post anything on here but there you go.

for whatever reason i had an affair, its ended, and il live with the feelings that go with that. one thing that i have learnt is that you only get one life and its not a rehersal. Therefore i have moved out, and no before you lot start i havent started up with the ow. what i need is time to sort ME out. il be a good dad to my kids and if i cant sort my m out then so be it. with time people close to me will foregive me and i will see who is left at teh end.

[Woman In Blue]

im not going to abandon my kids for anyone.

Yet, you'll continually gamble with their family security every single day you're involved with your OW.

 

And this is the INFIDELITY board, where most of the betrayed LS members usually post. If ItsAStruggle had posted on the OW/OM board, he might have been met instead by the deluded ones who encourage this crap, rather than the "moral brigade." God FORBID people have morals, right?

 

OP, I suggest you post on OW/OM - you'll find like-minded people there who are more than happy to spoonfeed you whatever justifications you want to hear.

[Woman In Blue]

if i tell her, its done, its over. and i loose my kids. im not just thinking about me here.

What an absolutely sh*itty reason to stay with someone. I honestly hope your wife finds out why you're really staying married to her. I know it's all about YOU Struggle, but every great once in a while, you might want to consider OTHERS who live in this world. Everything you do is completely self-serving.

 

Did you ever stop to think that just MAYBE your wife deserves more than some lying cheater whose pining away for some woman he met on a gaming site and is ONLY staying with her because of those oh so precious children of his?

 

Of course you didn't. Because it's all about YOU.

 

ETA - and it's "LOSE" not "loose." Jesus.

[TinaniT]

I don't think staying so you don't lose a LOT of time with your children is a small reason. Nor do I think getting desperate enough to make a decision like he did means he's always selfish (perhaps he is; I don't know him, however).

 

Now whether it is "right" or "wrong" to stay with somebody for the children, he is certainly far from the only one who has done so, or is doing so. Even post D-day, I've known someone who stayed because of the children, only willing then to stop his affair despite wishing not to and pretending to be "recovering" with his wife..

 

Most parents would do anything for their kids. While I certainly don't think staying together is always the best for a child, it is tricky to ascertain and people can come to different conclusions. And if a different conclusion is come to, than is it so surprising that the person who came to such a conclusion would put what they believe is best for the kids above any other person, including themselves and including their wife? I don't think so.

 

You stand to lose a lot of time even as a woman in a divorce, I've learned. Alternating holidays? Two weeks in the summer? And my husband really wanted as little to do with his son as possible except where he thought he could hurt me. Men stand to lose even more, especially involved fathers who are used to every day. Now this might not mean an end to the relationship and perhaps could improve it, but it certainly does not seem like it on one side of it. Weakness, perhaps, but I think weakness born of love (the children) is excusable to a great degree.

 

And yes, I'm aware he had an affair and made a mistake. That wasn't the best thing for his child. But making one mistake about how to perceive, borne of desperation, does not mean that a person suddenly forgets to make other decisions they perceive as the best.

 

However, I would say, that remaining together is not always best for the kids. Studies show children from high conflict marriages are better off with divorced parents than together parents. You can be involved to the greatest degree possible. Most reasonable women want their children's father involved and would not restrict even under the worst (non abusive) situations of divorce. That would only hurt the children and would be bad parenting, plain and simple. My boyfriend got custody EVERY weekend.

 

If you do think there is something tiny worth salvaging with your wife, even if you only think it is worth trying because of your children (Oh, I definitely have known lots of men and women in that situation, and some have recovered their original relationship)-- I encourage you to do so. Grieve your OW. It was a loss. However, don't compare your wife to her. It is not a fair comparison as you got all of your wife and only parts and some degree of filler fantasy of this OW. Appreciate your wife for what she is. What made you fall in love with her? Go to Marriage and Individual counseling. Of course, NO CONTACT with other woman and you may want to stop the situation under which you met (Games). Focus that energy on your kids and your wife. Even if you don't want to do good for your wife, focus on little things to make things easier for her, thinking about your kids the whole time if necessary. Ask your wife what has made her unhappy - there is seldom just one unhappy person in a marriage. Remember WHY you gave up what you felt was hope. You might find, for sure, that your wife responds to that, and begins to fulfill needs you felt was gone, and the love will start to grow back. The main thing now is to make your decision, whatever it is and whyever it is, and abide by it. Do all you can to make the best of that decision.

 

Good luck, and regardless of what happens, I hope you find PEACE in whatever decision you make.

[eeyore1981]

IAS, I'm sorry you got hit by the hate brigade on your first posting at LS. Belated welcome, anyway.

 

 

OWoman, if having compassion for the betrayed and not the betrayer makes me part of the 'hate brigade', well, then, count me in and color me proud!!

 

Wrong is wrong. I understand you were the AP in the love triangle, so of course you are going to want to provide all the validation you can to keep your fantasy of what you and your current spouse did was not wrong, but most people, in here and RL do not share your views.

 

OP is not in an open marriage. OP has deceived his wife into believing the two of them are in a monogamous relationship, meanwhile, he is having another relationship behind her back.

 

OP is lying and cheating, period. OP has opined his lying and cheating, and now his continued lying, is not thinking of only himself. He contends his behavior is designed to benefit others.

 

No, it's not. His behavior is to Cover His A$$, and all that entails.

 

Like it or not, there is another person in this triangle besides the cheater and the AP. IMO, that person is being treated a whole lot worse than this OP having some people post their negative, and even nasty opinions about what he is doing. Why not have some compassion for her situation?

[Samantha0905]

if i stay then no i wont tell the w, if i can make the m work then why tell about the a. if i do then the m is done.

it might not sound like it but i do care about my w. i need to look at why i went looking for the attention and effection and love from someone else. if i cant fix it then i walk. (maybe) oh i dont know.

i take it people dont think that a can turn into something good after you leave?

 

Good decision. There is no need to tell her. Don't do it.

 

You are fighting the same struggle as many other married men do. I am sorry to see that the morality squad on Loveshack has "welcomed" you to the board. I know from talking at length with my MM what you are up against. I wish there were more wayward spouses here who could welcome you and share their experiences with you. Unfortunately there are not so many who dare to do so. The wayward spouses I believe have the most trouble finding a forum where they can get help to deal with their issues.

 

I wish you the best and hope in the end you will have found a way out of your dilemma. Try to be true to yourself. What do you want to do with your life? How can you find happiness? What is the core issue to you? What is most important to you in your life? Can you find a way to happiness for both you and your children? A way to be a good father and still care for yourself and your own happiness?

 

I agree and @ the morality squad. Amen. It's ridiculous here at times.

 

Oh my! Some very nasty responses!

 

I was a married "whore" that had a very physical and loving relationship with a MM for 18 months.

 

What started out as a completely innocent friendship grew into an incredible deep love for each other. Like you we used to just talk about anything and everything. Unfortunately for all involved, that friendship grew to attraction then love. Like an addict needing their fix, so did we. Just talking and seeing each other relieved the addiction. It's an incredible connection and until you have been through it, is impossible to describe.

 

When D-day came, and it invariably does, he threw me under the bus. If I had told him a year ago that's what he would do to me after he was caught, he would never believe that of himself. I thought he would never do it to me either.

 

What you need to do is decide. Have a long, hard and very serious look at your relationship with both women. Can you deal with being away from your family? Can you deal with the guilt you will feel for putting them through leaving and the affair? It's the repercussions that a lot of MM don't really think about until they are caught or after they leave.

 

I wish you the best of luck, you are on a train wreck about to happen that is very, very hard to get off of.

 

It is most certainly an addiction. I was in the same situation except I was the WS and I finally told my husband about the affair. I wish I hadn't. He hasn't been ugly about it or even overly inquisitive, but it's just unnecessary if one plans to stay in the marriage.

 

IAS, I'm sorry you got hit by the hate brigade on your first posting at LS. Belated welcome, anyway.

 

I love these names y'all are coming up with for the hateful post people. I need to come up with one having to do with anger because that's where it is all rooted.

 

I'm sorry your A didn't work out for you, and that you lacked the strength to follow through and choose what was best for you. It's a difficult position to be in, especially if your W would be vindictive enough to limit your access to your kids if you left.

 

He said he loves his wife. Even if one loves the OW/OM also, it's a difficult choice to end a marriage and not always the best choice. I'd guess more often not.

 

Some MMs do succeed in leaving, and have happy Ms to their fOWs and good, strong Rs with their kids. There are some fMMs on LS who are now M to their fOWs, and some of us fOWs now M to our fMMs. Sometimes it does work out well and happily, for the kids too. Perhaps you should consider some IC, and if you do get up the courage to walk away from your M, have some family counselling before the split, to protect the kids from the fall-out and to build healthy strong Rs with them through and after the D.

 

Good luck - I hope things work out for you.

 

It worked out for my sister. She's 27 years married now to her husband who was formerly a WS.

 

id just like to thank everyone who has taken the time to post replies. fair enough some, well most are critical of the situation and are intitled to their views. i wasnt looking for sympathy from people who dont know me or my situation and find it interesting how quickly people are to judge. maybe i was wrong to post anything on here but there you go.

for whatever reason i had an affair, its ended, and il live with the feelings that go with that. one thing that i have learnt is that you only get one life and its not a rehersal. Therefore i have moved out, and no before you lot start i havent started up with the ow. what i need is time to sort ME out. il be a good dad to my kids and if i cant sort my m out then so be it. with time people close to me will foregive me and i will see who is left at teh end.

 

I moved out first and then had an affair. I wish I had not as I would have had a clearer head to think while I was on my own in an apartment. Do try to give yourself some space to think. This will be extremely difficult to do (if not impossible) when you already have started a relationship with someone else. I think the temptation will be too great, but I sincerely hope you are able to take time out to think on your own. I would think if you really love the OW you may be worried she will go ahead and date others? I would be.

 

What reason did you give your wife for moving out?

[bentnotbroken]

Only those who lie, need to keep it a secret from those who have no clue. I don't get what gives someone the right to decide that a partner should stay in a marriage without all the facts and making a choice for themselves. It is the height of arrogance, disrespect and cowardice. It is the equalivant of force where the only weapons is lying and deceit.

[turnera]

But the conection with ow is so strong

That's because you lived a fantasy life with her - no diapers to change, no getting up at 2am for a sick kid, no figuring out how to pay bills with her, no arguments about the in-laws, no NOTHING except FUN.

 

Why wouldn't you love that life?

 

Unfortunately, as soon as you marry her, you get the same old life BACK that you had with your wife. No more just FUN - but REALITY.

 

Think about it. If she's all that great a woman, what is she doing having an affair with a married man?

 

Shame on you for being so one-sided about this.

 

You spend your spare time gratifying YOURSELF through online games and texting and cheating, and then COMPLAIN that your marriage was boring. Gee, I wonder why? Maybe it's because you put more effort into pleasing yourself than your wife.

 

You CAN have a happy marriage, but you have to be willing to actually put some time and effort into keeping it happy - paying attention to your wife, communicating when you're unhappy, going on dates or finding other activities to do TOGETHER instead of just for yourself, meeting your wife's needs so that she wants to meet yours, helping her with the family. Yeah, it takes work. But what did you think marriage is?

[Samantha0905]

Only those who lie, need to keep it a secret from those who have no clue. I don't get what gives someone the right to decide that a partner should stay in a marriage without all the facts and making a choice for themselves. It is the height of arrogance, disrespect and cowardice. It is the equalivant of force where the only weapons is lying and deceit.

 

I disagree. I would rather not know if my husband had an affair, decided it was a big mistake and wanted to continue in the marriage.

[turnera]

And I do know without a doubt that people without consequences repeat behaviors they think they got away with the first time.

Exactly. Be a man for once and tell your wife the truth and let HER decide if you deserve her.

[bentnotbroken]

I disagree. I would rather not know if my husband had an affair, decided it was a big mistake and wanted to continue in the marriage.

 

 

Sure you would. Until you are on that receiving end of having your life and your families lives in danger...it is easy to say. You told him, I have no beef with you. Whatever the outcome, he is informed to make his own choices for his life and you for yours.

[turnera]

i did realise how many "ifs" id put in that last thread!

 

do you think im actually sat here proud of what iv done, NO im not. i just dont know how to make it right without making it worse.

You mean for YOU?

[turnera]

Therefore i have moved out, and no before you lot start i havent started up with the ow. what i need is time to sort ME out.

Did you tell your wife you've been cheating your whole marriage?

[ComputerJock]

ME ME ME ME too bad you never thought about others like your wife and kids.

[turnera]

You have moved out, which I think was the first right thing you have done.

Now....you need to inform your wife.....whether you plan on staying or leaving....she deserves to know.

 

Currently, she is suffering.

She needs an explanation as to WHY you moved out.

If this affair NEVER occurred, you would still be living with her.

Exactly.

 

If you continued your normal MO, you did NOT tell her the truth, and she is now sitting at home, devastated, wondering what SHE did to make you leave.

 

In other words, you not only harmed your wife, you let her believe she did it to herself.

 

So...did you tell her you cheated?

[scatterd]

I feel for your wife she is crying thinking she failed.

I feel for your children they know moms hurt and dad is gone.

I feel sorry for you because you are mixed up and and lost.

I pray that your little family finds happiness from a person thats loyal

and loving and I pray that you will learn why you are so lost.The truth is you made a big mistake but get counceling and find out why so you can get better and free your wife and kids from guilt and more pain.I hope you do whats right now let your wife know it was not her and let them get counseling for the right thing.Who knows maybe the truth can fix this but doing right thing is hard its so much easier to lie.Learn to love yourself so you do not need being stroked from OW.Look at your wife and kids with love and you will get respect and love in return you already had what we all work for a family and woman that would be there forever so embrace them and forget about OW.

Good luck

[2sunny]

i wasnt asking if its right or wrong to have an A, its not and most people would agree with that. But when th ow is saying everything will be ok once iv left, that she will be there for me and my kids, im not going to abandon my kids for anyone. yeah i took a choice to m but dont you think you can fall out of love as fast as fall in love. its not about sex, its more than that. i dont want to hurt my kids in the long run, yet its hard to just walk out now. OW has known iv been m for a few years now, she could have ended it then but chose not to. everyone one hear says once a cheat always a cheat, its always true. arent people aloud to make mistakes, al i want to do is do the right

 

it is unrealistic of your OW to say everything will be ok, it changes EVERYTHING! that is not always ok.

 

you always have a choice. let your wife in on your choices too, she deserves to know.

 

you have already hurt your kids. you can only hurt them more when you leave and they understand your truth.

 

the right thing - you knew what that was a few years ago - you know what that is now - what will you choose? you live with the consequences of your actions.