hello to everyone

[itsastruggle]

This is my first thread on here and honestly dont know how it will go down with everyone. Ok my story here goes!!

Im a mm with 3 kids (2 of them mine one a step son with learning difficulties), iv been m for nearly 3years however iv know w for 10years. im 34 and have come what i feel is a major turning point in my life. Shortly after getting m i was on a web game site and started chatted to someone else. At the time it was just flirting via the message board etc, but this was everyday from morning til night (well office hours ish anyway) we really hit it off the same views, she made me laugh, the conversations last all day with no silences.

Now for what ever reason ( and i honestly dont know ) i didnt say i was married or had kids (2 at the time). i guess i never thought anything would come from it. Anyway to move things on, we exchanged numbers and met up. one thing led to another and things moved on. eventually it came out i was married but niether of us chose to walk away from it. The affair has recently ended. And the reason for this was i could make the commitement to the ow she wanted. Yet deep inside i do want to be with the ow but i cant leave the kids. the relationship with the w hasnt been good for years, long before any A. everyone says if the m is done then just walk away but its not always that easy. its not about having your cake and eating it.

now im saying what i have done is right, far from it im not proud of what iv done. But the conection with ow is so strong and i know life would be happy with her yet there is something stopping me from saying those words ( i want a divorce ).

all im saying is its not always the ow that gets hurt in an A sometime mm do to. maybe i am a weak and cheating coward of a man but i cant help falling in love with someone else !!

[lolapalooza]

People get divorces everyday. What makes you so special that you can't? Don't you think that in the very least, your wife deserves to know that you were phukking someone else? And in love with them?

 

Man up, dude. Your choices got you in this mess, get yourself out of it.

[bentnotbroken]

This is my first thread on here and honestly dont know how it will go down with everyone. Ok my story here goes!!

Im a mm with 3 kids (2 of them mine one a step son with learning difficulties), iv been m for nearly 3years however iv know w for 10years. im 34 and have come what i feel is a major turning point in my life. Shortly after getting m i was on a web game site and started chatted to someone else. At the time it was just flirting via the message board etc, but this was everyday from morning til night (well office hours ish anyway) we really hit it off the same views, she made me laugh, the conversations last all day with no silences.

Now for what ever reason ( and i honestly dont know ) i didnt say i was married or had kids (2 at the time). i guess i never thought anything would come from it. Anyway to move things on, we exchanged numbers and met up. one thing led to another and things moved on. eventually it came out i was married but niether of us chose to walk away from it. The affair has recently ended. And the reason for this was i could make the commitement to the ow she wanted. Yet deep inside i do want to be with the ow but i cant leave the kids. the relationship with the w hasnt been good for years, long before any A. everyone says if the m is done then just walk away but its not always that easy. its not about having your cake and eating it.

now im saying what i have done is right, far from it im not proud of what iv done. But the conection with ow is so strong and i know life would be happy with her yet there is something stopping me from saying those words ( i want a divorce ).

all im saying is its not always the ow that gets hurt in an A sometime mm do to. maybe i am a weak and cheating coward of a man but i cant help falling in love with someone else !!

 

 

1) There is no maybe to it at all, you are what you call yourself.

 

2) You stated in the beginning that you starting chatting shortly after you married. Everyday, all day. Anyone giving that amount of time to an outside source isn't giving enough time and attention to the marriage. Hence your wife was short changed from the beginning.

 

3)The marriage wasn't good for a long time because....see #2.

 

4)The phrase that I have grown to loathe "You help you who you fall in love with" Bull. You made a decision to nurture, feed and put the relationship with the ow first instead of the one with your wife. You can help who you fall in love with.

 

5) You married your wife. Before you did that did you inform her that you wouldn't be doing the job of being a faithful husband? No. You didn't tell the OW you were married.. do you know what that makes you? A man who likes to manipulate others to suit their own needs then whine about their sucky life.

 

6) The children are being used as a shield by you to keep from growing some gonads and facing what you have done. Put yourself in your wife's shoes, being lied to, strung along by a man who is the father of your children...maybe someday you will get to experience that.

 

7)You are selfish and dead wrong.

[bentnotbroken]

You would abandon the mother of your children, in exchange for a woman who would knowingly have/continue an affair with a married man?

 

Shut this down real quick, get tested for STD's, destroy all evidence, and never mention this to anyone again

 

 

:eek:Are you serious? Everyone has the right to decide how to live their life...including his wife.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm quite serious. Please re-read the original post.

 

He's talking about leaving his wife to be with the OW. He didn't ask whether or not he should divulge the affair to his wife. That's something he can try to address later on, but first, he has to realize that he has to stay in his marriage.

 

The OP doesn't even realize how absurd leaving his wife for the OW would be; he actually thinks it's his best option.

 

 

I read it and what I see is a man who probably should leave because he had chosen from the beginning not to be faithful, that won't change. His wife should get to decide if she even wants a cheater as a spouse.

[itsastruggle]

i wasnt asking if its right or wrong to have an A, its not and most people would agree with that. But when th ow is saying everything will be ok once iv left, that she will be there for me and my kids, im not going to abandon my kids for anyone. yeah i took a choice to m but dont you think you can fall out of love as fast as fall in love. its not about sex, its more than that. i dont want to hurt my kids in the long run, yet its hard to just walk out now. OW has known iv been m for a few years now, she could have ended it then but chose not to. everyone one hear says once a cheat always a cheat, its always true. arent people aloud to make mistakes, al i want to do is do the right

[itsastruggle]

No, he shouldn't leave his marriage. He should try to fix himself and his marriage. I have no idea (unlike you) what he will and won't be able to change.

 

At a later point in time, he may be in a position where he can make a knowledgable determination about whether or not to tell his wife about the affair. But what's the point if he's going to leave the marriage anyway? He has to decide to stay first. If he doesn't decide that he at least wants the marriage then he doesn't care about his wife at all anyway.

 

if i stay then no i wont tell the w, if i can make the m work then why tell about the a. if i do then the m is done.

it might not sound like it but i do care about my w. i need to look at why i went looking for the attention and effection and love from someone else. if i cant fix it then i walk. (maybe) oh i dont know.

i take it people dont think that a can turn into something good after you leave?

[bentnotbroken]

No, he shouldn't leave his marriage. He should try to fix himself and his marriage. I have no idea (unlike you) what he will and won't be able to change.

 

At a later point in time, he may be in a position where he can make a knowledgable determination about whether or not to tell his wife about the affair. But what's the point if he's going to leave the marriage anyway? He has to decide to stay first. If he doesn't decide that he at least wants the marriage then he doesn't care about his wife at all anyway.

 

Where is HER choice in HIS life. She doesn't have all the facts. And I do know without a doubt that people without consequences repeat behaviors they think they got away with the first time. Apprently you are alright with someone else deciding your life for you. Most of us aren't. He is playing the cowards role. Cover his azz and keep his wife in the dark. He and the OW have all the pieces to the puzzle that affect her life and she doesn't. That's bullseet and we all know it.

[Corporate]

i wasnt asking if its right or wrong to have an A, its not and most people would agree with that. But when th ow is saying everything will be ok once iv left, that she will be there for me and my kids, im not going to abandon my kids for anyone. yeah i took a choice to m but dont you think you can fall out of love as fast as fall in love. its not about sex, its more than that. i dont want to hurt my kids in the long run, yet its hard to just walk out now. OW has known iv been m for a few years now, she could have ended it then but chose not to. everyone one hear says once a cheat always a cheat, its always true. arent people aloud to make mistakes, al i want to do is do the right

 

I seriously doubt the quailty of this OW who had fallen for someone like you when you first met through online with only messages being exchanged.

[bentnotbroken]

if i stay then no i wont tell the w, if i can make the m work then why tell about the a. if i do then the m is done.

it might not sound like it but i do care about my w. i need to look at why i went looking for the attention and effection and love from someone else. if i cant fix it then i walk. (maybe) oh i dont know.

i take it people dont think that a can turn into something good after you leave?

 

 

Leave. I encourage it. But you shouldn't be able to decide her life for her without her knowledge or consent. If you aren't going to tell her still leave. Don't make her live a lie, believing you are something you aren't...honest, trustworthy, faithful and respectful. All your actions toward your BS and your OW show nothing but a selfish human being willing to tell lies to others making their life choices based on those lies. That is wrong. No one should have to live lies they didn't ask for or deserve because someone lacks the backbone that allows one to live with integrity and respect.

 

Everything you are saying hinges on one tiny word "if". How is that fair for her to live her life on that word? Without her knowledge or consent. She is going to be fighting for what? Your "if". That's an unseen demon and you know it.

[itsastruggle]

Leave. I encourage it. But you shouldn't be able to decide her life for her without her knowledge or consent. If you aren't going to tell her still leave. Don't make her live a lie, believing you are something you aren't...honest, trustworthy, faithful and respectful. All your actions toward your BS and your OW show nothing but a selfish human being willing to tell lies to others making their life choices based on those lies. That is wrong. No one should have to live lies they didn't ask for or deserve because someone lacks the backbone that allows one to live with integrity and respect.

 

Everything you are saying hinges on one tiny word "if". How is that fair for her to live her life on that word? Without her knowledge or consent. She is going to be fighting for what? Your "if". That's an unseen demon and you know it.

 

i did realise how many "ifs" id put in that last thread!

 

do you think im actually sat here proud of what iv done, NO im not. i just dont know how to make it right without making it worse.

[kuma]

But when th ow is saying everything will be ok once iv left, that she will be there for me and my kids.

 

Of course she will tell you everything will be ok. She's your OW. I agree with bentnotbroken. You should end your marriage. It's a lie anyway.

[bentnotbroken]

i did realise how many "ifs" id put in that last thread!

 

do you think im actually sat here proud of what iv done, NO im not. i just dont know how to make it right without making it worse.

 

Where did you see the word proud used by me. Coward, lack of backbone, no gonads...those are the terms I used. Of course it will get worse before it gets better. That's all you are thinking of is how bad it will get for you. Because if you were thinking of the damage you would do to your family...you wouldn't be in the mess. You make it right by doing the opposite of what you have already done. Tell the freaking truth and deal with it from their. Give her a choice in her own life. Sheeesh.

[itsastruggle]

Where did you see the word proud used by me. Coward, lack of backbone, no gonads...those are the terms I used. Of course it will get worse before it gets better. That's all you are thinking of is how bad it will get for you. Because if you were thinking of the damage you would do to your family...you wouldn't be in the mess. You make it right by doing the opposite of what you have already done. Tell the freaking truth and deal with it from their. Give her a choice in her own life. Sheeesh.

 

if i tell her, its done, its over. and i loose my kids. im not just thinking about me here.

are you married, have you unfaith?

[Corporate]

if i tell her, its done, its over. and i loose my kids. im not just thinking about me here.

are you married, have you unfaith?

 

You obviously were only thinking about yourself when you chose to meet with this OM and sleep with her.

[itsastruggle]

You obviously were only thinking about yourself when you chose to meet with this OM and sleep with her.

 

yeah fair point but i cant change that now can i.

[Corporate]

yeah fair point but i cant change that now can i.

 

Have you cut ALL contact with her? Have you deleted all accounts/avenues that she has access to to contact you if she chooses to do so in 4 months?

[Corporate]

Maybe you should have thought of that before you slept with someone else, yeah? Sometimes there are consequences to your actions...

 

Maybe your children deserve a father that can provide a better example of appropriate behavior.

 

Good point.

[bentnotbroken]

if i tell her, its done, its over. and i loose my kids. im not just thinking about me here.

are you married, have you unfaith?

 

Sure it isn't about you. Again, what you want. What's best for you. Do you really think your children won't adjust to divorced parents. They will have to adjust "if" you decide you can't be without the ow and you can't be faithful.So what's your point?

[Mimolicious]

I don't usually bite to something like this but WOW!!!

 

Do you know his xOW personally or do you just assume all OW are 'whores'???

 

I don't know your story but most BS's and OW on here treat eachother with a little respect!!

 

Yeah really. This was a bit over the edge Jumbo. By no means am I justifying the OP's OW but remember that the OP *forgot* to mention that he had a W & Kids when he was having his orgasmic bandwidthship with her. He lied to her too.

 

She knows the truth NOW and NOW wants her MM to pick. Baffles me...

[porcupine]

 

It's like reinventing the wheel... same sob story.

Itsastruggle, talk is cheap. Keep on believing everything that your OW tells you and you'll find yourself with nothing. Then again, the most you can lose is your kids respect (Doesn't seem like you have given THAT much of a thought).

 

How convenient to keep your mouth shut about this... The same way that you had the nerves to engage in a fantasy A and actually meet your online lover in person then leading to a full blown A, now have the balls to tell your wife that she is married to a fraud.

Set her free to make her own choices.

 

Spot on. He's more worried about himself than his kids.

[Mimolicious]

Spot on. He's more worried about himself than his kids.

 

 

He'll have a rude awakening. I feel for his W and Kids. She is probably getting the grill ready for some hotdogs not knowing that her H don't want ish to do with her and jones OW. (been there done that!)

 

Trust me OP- Your wife will eventually find out so brace yourself fool! You think there is nothing you can do without making it worse? Well, too late to cry over spilled milk! It will get ugly, so wake up and smell the coffee. This wont be seamless.

 

I personally don't think OP really cares. If he could go and be with his OW scratch and drama free he would. He's just crying like a baby because he will have to face the consequences of his actions. WELCOME TO REALITY!

[ComputerJock]

It's already bad, you cheated, you lied, you screwed another woman, so now is the time for you to grow a pair and do the right thing, tell the wife, then move out and let the betrayed wife decide if if if she wants a cheating son0fabitch as a husband. If she finds out on her own, she probably already has suspicions because you don't sound all that smart, just selfish, or the OW tells her she is going to be one heart broken woman.

 

Be a man and give her the truth then take what is coming to you.

 

ComputerJock.

[jennie-jennie]

i did realise how many "ifs" id put in that last thread!

 

do you think im actually sat here proud of what iv done, NO im not. i just dont know how to make it right without making it worse.

 

You are fighting the same struggle as many other married men do. I am sorry to see that the morality squad on Loveshack has "welcomed" you to the board. I know from talking at length with my MM what you are up against. I wish there were more wayward spouses here who could welcome you and share their experiences with you. Unfortunately there are not so many who dare to do so. The wayward spouses I believe have the most trouble finding a forum where they can get help to deal with their issues.

 

I wish you the best and hope in the end you will have found a way out of your dilemma. Try to be true to yourself. What do you want to do with your life? How can you find happiness? What is the core issue to you? What is most important to you in your life? Can you find a way to happiness for both you and your children? A way to be a good father and still care for yourself and your own happiness?

[tenaciousone]

I am coming from the ow perspective here. Three years ago I was just that.. the ow VERY UNKNOWINGLY..as it turns out just as your ow was to start as well.

I unlike her jumped out both feet first as soon as I knew. It was humiliating and degrading to say the least. On top of that.. I fell head over heals in lust.. having 20/20 hindsight vision at first it felt like mad amazing love.

I will share this... I do not judge you for making the choice perhaps mistakes you made.. after all there are far worse things in life than a cheating husband.

I understand your quandary as my little cheater.. still to this day tries.. in fact just last month he invited me to the Italy. Now you may ask yourself how.. well after about a year.. I did allow him back into my life as friends.. however.. getting off track here.

Really, your marriage has been shamed beyond repair. You are whether conscious or unconscious are sharing a big message with your children. As you can't possibly nurture a loving trusting bond with them or be an example for them while nurturing the ow. You need to really trying mending your own shame for all of this and I believe that will only begin my being honest with yourself. As much as it pains me to encourage dishonesty.. while telling your wife the truth.. is the honest thing to do.. it is also the most selfish. There is nothing but pain that more than likely will not ever heal to a level that will provide your children an emotionally balanced life from the moment tell. If you had an one night fling.. slip up is entirely different that what you have had.. years of infidelity and love to top with a big cherry.

I wish you well in your search for the right choice for your family.

I think you need to know that while I think your actions are so hurtful...I feel for you. But stop putting your needs and feelings first. Start putting your kids first.