earthfireuk Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Hi All, I really need some insight and advice. freaking out right now. Please see my prev post for the history. My girlfriend broke up with me around 5 weeks ago and we have been in loose contact since. I told her 10 days ago that I couldn't be friends with her because of my feelings for her and that we shouldn't be in contact as it's too hard for me (so went NC as I though it would help me heal and also maybe in time we could try to rekindle something). I was doing pretty well and felt strong but....today though I did a very silly thing... i had a horrible dream about her last night with another guy and woke up feeling so upset. I texted her today just saying "hi hope your job is going well and things are good at home" she replied saying "its so nice to hear from you, how are you?, it really is lovely to hear from you chris". We had a bit of a text chat and I called her tonight and we had a talk (just friendly smalltalk). I then asked her out to lunch on sunday and she was a bit reluctant but said yes! She wondered what was going on with me though as only 10 days ago I told her we couldn't be freinds right now and said she was worried that seeing eachother will upset us both. I reassured her that it was just lunch and we can just have a nice chilled time as friends. So I am meeting with her on sunday.. but.... Im really worried that it's too soon for us both and that just being round eachother will push her away as I want her back. I will keep it light and fun and just enjoy her company but I really dont wana do this if it's going to push her away. I truely believe she only wants to see me as a friend and she really cares for me which is why she aggreed to the meet. Is meeting her this soon blowing my chances of a propper reconcilliation?? All the advice states you should wait 4 weeks +. Any advice would be legendary! I just don't know if im doing the right thing? Love her so much... Thank you for reading this!
ALombard Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Hey I feel for you. But to answer your question about if meeting with her is the right thing to do, the answer unfortunately is "no" it isn't. If you have any residual feelings of wanting to win her back then you shouldn't meet her at all, let alone keep talking to her. My ex broke up with me 2 months ago, we stayed in loose contact for a month but all it did was push her away. Mainly because I kept begging for her back. I still do love my ex and do wish sometimes that we could make it work, but I realized that at this time in our lives it isn't going to happen. I've been complete NC for about 2 weeks now, I actually thought it was longer haha. The thing about going NC is that you will be very alone, depressed, angry, etc. for sometime but I will be honest with you I am doing better now than I was 2 weeks ago. Now everyone who goes NC has their bad days and their good days. Its how you deal with those bad days that makes you stronger. There have been plenty of times I have wanted to call her or text her or email her but I haven't because I know that right now NOTHING will come of it and it will just set me back. I understand completely that you miss her and love her and just want to see her but honestly it will just set you back further. You are not gonna hear what you want to hear or get what you want so don't do it. If you really want to see if something can be rekindled go NC for at least 2 months. After that if you are comfortable with talking to her or let alone still single then send her a quick email or text. But don't get your hopes up.
Username37 Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 by meeting her, we can already expect a thread from you involving you getting hurt. First, I'll say do what you want to do. If you want to see her, great. If you think you have a chance, great again. But here's what I think. Don't go. By talking to her now, it will set you back like what ALombard said. I made that mistake. I met up with my ex because she told me her birthday was really ****ty. I expected so much from that meeting. Like it was good to she her, but it hurt because it didn't feel the same. She was distant and cold and the convos were just AWKWARD, plus I was fighting the urge to confess my love to her. It was terrible. So go NC for a while. Recover. Have fun! Then, talk to her when the whole love thing goes down. Remember, do what you want to do. I can't control you. Good Luck Dude
northstar1 Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Well, I think it will be a bad idea. The reason? Because you'll, regardless of how hard you try, have expectations. I met up with my prior ex a few months after our breakup and it went like this: We met, it was great to see her. I was a nervous wreck beforehand, imagining every single scenerio that might play out. We had a drink, caught up on our lives She was very happy in her life, that included without me being in it. As this became evident during the meeting, it slowly felt like my heart was being ripped out all over again when you realize that there is no going back. She was affectionate, but only to a certain point. We parted like old 'friends'. Never heard from her again. It left me confused, and destroyed back to day 1.
HopeLove Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 It so difficult to know what is good and what is wrong. I think it will hurt you, you might get back to day 1, but since you were the one suggesting you should go and let her see you are strong but go without any hope, just try to have a nice time together, don't stay too long, don't bring up anything about the relantionship and if she does say to her that is too soon to talk about that right now. If she brings something about being friends, keep in not being friends, this is not wat you want, you just wanted to chill out, caught up with her, nothing more and this should be clear in your mind. Show her that you care about her but that you also respect her decision. Good luck!
boltsfan17 Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 After reading your other post, I don't think it's a good idea right now. You have to remember that she broke up with you, so she has realize that she is losing you. You have already told her you don't want to be friends, and now you're meeting her for lunch. Don't call, just send a text and cancel the lunch on Sunday. Just keep it simple and say something came up and you won't be able to do lunch. Tell her that hopefully you can have lunch some other day. From there, start going back to NC. You may feel strong now, but I'm sure that would change once you saw her in person. Give her some space and hopefully she'll realize what she lost and might want to reconcile your relationship. Don't keep your hopes up though. It's not fair to yourself trying to be her friend after she broke up with you.
lunita Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I've learned that everyone has an opinion about things, and that they often give you advice to avoid the possibility of you getting hurt all over again. The thing is, if you don't go, are you going to wonder what would have happened?? Or will you be ok with not going? Sometimes, we have to do things that we know may hurt us more, for the simple reason that you have to take a chance or you will always wonder. Do what you think is best. In my case, I've taken the chance of calling more than once and it actually did me good. In my past, I broke up with an ex and he kept begging for me back. I told him there would never ever be a chance and that I didn't love him anymore. Turns out, 4 months later we were back together for another two years. Anything is possible and every situation is different and remember, if you do lose her for good, there is ALWAYS someone else around the corner. Stay strong and if you go see her, keep your emotions under check.
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Don't go. I made this mistake a couple weeks ago. If she wants you back, she'll come to you. These "meetings" only help the dumper distance themselves from the dumpee. Think of this as if you were to quit smoking. If you quit cold turkey(or go NC) then you'll be craving a smoke. If you stay in contact its like using a nicotine patch. She'll slowly withdraw and quit you forever. Don't meet her yet. Like many have said, wait a couple of months and then try. I thought I could beat the odds, but just like Vegas...the house(dumper) always wins.
Author earthfireuk Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 Don't go. I made this mistake a couple weeks ago. If she wants you back, she'll come to you. These "meetings" only help the dumper distance themselves from the dumpee. Think of this as if you were to quit smoking. If you quit cold turkey(or go NC) then you'll be craving a smoke. If you stay in contact its like using a nicotine patch. She'll slowly withdraw and quit you forever. Don't meet her yet. Like many have said, wait a couple of months and then try. I thought I could beat the odds, but just like Vegas...the house(dumper) always wins. Hey all, thank you so much for the advice. I was stupidly going to go through with it in the end. Went and got my hair cut yesterday, bought a new outfit as I wanted to look my best. I texted her this morning to see what time she wanted picking up and she told me she has been thinking about it and doesnt think it wouldn't be a good idea for us to meet now.... I am gutted. I should have listened to your advice and called it off before it came to this. We had a nice chat though and she cried. It's such a shame as we are so so close and connected. I have had enough of trying and trying and setting myself up for the fallnot going to contact her again. I just can't keep putting myself through this
HopeLove Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I'm really sorry to hear that. Probably she thought that meeting you was giving you hope and this is why she cancelled it. I think she cares about you but obviously is not prepare to go back to you. Hope you don't feel too bad. I feel for you. Take care of yourself!
Author earthfireuk Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 (edited) I agree HopeLove. She didn't want to make things harder on either of us which is completely understandable. She did say maybe in a couple of weeks though. I am leaving her to it now. It's so hard as I saw some pictures on FB of her yesterday at a birthday party one of her friends put up. She looks absolutely beautiful. Also she was still wearing the necklace I brought her. It killed me seeing those pictures. She is such a wonderful, beautiful person. I can't help but feel like im losing the most beautiful connection I have ever had in my life. It just feels so wrong. All my previous relationships that ended I could see that it was the best thing deep down. This one though, I will always believe that we missed out on something that had the potential to be very very special. I know it sounds pathetic, I sound pathetic. In time I will be able to move on and continue with my life but I do know that I will always believe that it was so unfortunate that we couldn't be together as I have never met anyone like her before in my life. Im starting to feel a bit angry now though. I worked so hard to be with this girl. 4 weeks of honeymoon period.. Then she went travelling, 4 months of separation, I worked night and day to save to go out there to join her, gave up my job. Got out there and found travelling hard as my first time and my anxiety rears its head when im in tough situations. We argue quite alot about me not enjoying myself due to my panic attacks. I then have to come home due to my commitments and she wants to stay out there. I juggle my finances to enable me to stay out there with her. She then find out she can’t extend her flight so has to go home anyway.. so then I decide to go home with her to work on our relationship at home in a more relaxed situation. We get back, then 2 weeks later she dumps me "saying she shouldn't be in a relationship and feel, Just feels differently now". And I still feel that the whole thing was too rushed and had too much pressure to early on and that if we spent time together at home like normal couples do, we could work things out. How could I be so wrong about this girl? I did everything I could to make this relationship work and she ended it because I struggled with my first time travelling with Anxiety and it changed her feelings for me......... If this experience has taught me anything, it that I need to address my panic attacks and also not to rush into relationships with younger girls (24) who's feelings can change so easily. My previous ex before her was 10 years older than me, I ended our 3 year relationship but her feelings for me have always been unshakable. I do find more mature women more reliable in relationships. I’m only 26 but I have found that the younger ones never seem to really appreciate what they have got and are only too willing to jump ship when life happens and you actually have to deal with issues. I’m sorry for ranting, I love this forum as it helps me vent. Thank you guys Edited July 5, 2010 by earthfireuk
HopeLove Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I don't know if you sound pathetic or not, you sound like me , and probably like most of us that our going through this. You shouldn't be angry, what you have done was because you wanted to do so, it was your decision and you know there was no guarantee, right? So look at an unforgetable expirience and you already learnt something, so it's good. I know exactly what you feel with facebook, I have the same problem, but I'm not ready to cut him off from fb because I still have hope we'll be back together... Maybe you are right regarding the age thing, usually is like that, the older you get the better you know what you want in life and yet there's no rule. Some people are more mature or inmature of their age. Try to stay strong. Would love if you poste something in my poste.
Author earthfireuk Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 Thank you HopeLove for the advice. I feel much more calmer tonight than I did earlier. It was good to get it off my chest lol. It's wierd I go through stages of being hurt then angry ect... Your right, i did have a wonderful experience and It certainly opened my eyes to what I want in life. I feel like I have lost something so special to me, it feels really is life changing. It's making me realise that before I went away I wasn't realizing my dreams, my potential. This has changed my life... and it will be for the better Maybe this was what I needed... I'm sorry I havent posted anything on yours for a while, i'v been so wrapped up in whats been going on with me. I will take a look now Thankyou so much.
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