SadandConfusedWA Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Well, at least you are working on it with the online dating and writing. (And there should be more men like your brother not chasing girls that don't like them). I have already canceled some dates... I am really pushing myself with the online dating thing, but my heart is not into it at all. I guess I will keep pushing.
Ariadne Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I have already canceled some dates... I am really pushing myself with the online dating thing, but my heart is not into it at all. I guess I will keep pushing. That's doing better than me at least.
pantherj Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I really wish loveshackians would get over this idea that only women make poor relationship choices. There are plenty of men who make foolish choices and align themselves with women who behave badly or treat them poorly or only want them for their money, because they're dazzled by some other aspect of them, and there are plenty of women scratching their heads as to why he puts up with her. It's a genderless phenomenon. This idea that men are far and away the more discerning sex is kind of laughable, sorry to burst your bubble. Hokie, if the butterflies aren't there, they aren't there. I hate the very idea of ascribing anybody 'market value' or 'leagues' but you're by no means obligated to keep spending time with women who don't give you that extra zing. Just keep your expectations realistic, and remember to evaluate and appreciate the whole package. Being discerning does not equal being shallow. Ok let's go by your life specifically. How many girls do you know who contact a different guy from night to night, sleep with him, then ditch him for another guy. One night stands for years at a time. How many women like this do you know in your life. I have an answer for my life. I know 0 women who behave in this manner. I know several guys who live this way. How about you?
pantherj Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. I don't think anyone should date someone they aren't attracted to out of some kind of guilt. However, I do think that online dating can lead to a constant feeling of "there is someone better out there." I don't know if this is you, but it is something you might want to think about. Oh where to begin on this one..... I think physical atrraction is very important, but lots of people are nervous on first dates. They may be so hung up on themselves that they don't really see who is in front of them. Or the other person might be so nervous that the chemistry isn't there, but would be there on a second or third date. It can take a few dates for people to really click. As for men versus women. You praise men for being sleeping with and ditching women they find sexy but don't immediately click with. Seriously, that is a point of praise? What in the world? Where in my post did a praise men who sleep with women and then ditch them? I don't like that behavior from men, nor do I like it when a woman has sex with a man and becomes delusional about who he is. Ok, look at my post again. See the 3 criteria? I'm in favor of using those 3 criteria to help a man find a partner for a LTR.
pantherj Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I really wish loveshackians would get over this idea that only women make poor relationship choices. There are plenty of men who make foolish choices and align themselves with women who behave badly or treat them poorly or only want them for their money, because they're dazzled by some other aspect of them, and there are plenty of women scratching their heads as to why he puts up with her. It's a genderless phenomenon. This idea that men are far and away the more discerning sex is kind of laughable, sorry to burst your bubble. Hokie, if the butterflies aren't there, they aren't there. I hate the very idea of ascribing anybody 'market value' or 'leagues' but you're by no means obligated to keep spending time with women who don't give you that extra zing. Just keep your expectations realistic, and remember to evaluate and appreciate the whole package. Being discerning does not equal being shallow. You made that bubble and blew it on me. I didn't say that .
pantherj Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I really wish loveshackians would get over this idea that only women make poor relationship choices. There are plenty of men who make foolish choices and align themselves with women who behave badly or treat them poorly or only want them for their money, because they're dazzled by some other aspect of them, and there are plenty of women scratching their heads as to why he puts up with her. It's a genderless phenomenon. This idea that men are far and away the more discerning sex is kind of laughable, sorry to burst your bubble. Hokie, if the butterflies aren't there, they aren't there. I hate the very idea of ascribing anybody 'market value' or 'leagues' but you're by no means obligated to keep spending time with women who don't give you that extra zing. Just keep your expectations realistic, and remember to evaluate and appreciate the whole package. Being discerning does not equal being shallow. Why would anyone ever say that ONLY women make poor relationship choices? I certainly never put forward any such idea. Everyone knows that both sexes make poor relationship choices.
Woggle Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Based on the amount of women who have shared with myself personally their 'crazy' periods of using men , and the women who've treated me in such a manner, I gain my perspective. So far, I have yet to sense any regret, compassion, or sense of responsibility. YMMV, of course. I am hopeful. Very true. Many women use men up and spit them out with no remorse whatsoever then try to hide behind some feminist empowerment excuse but let a man have a period like this and he is the biggest scum on earth.
Mr White Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 To me that is the exact definition of settling. I have observed my brother do exactly that. He formed a LTR with pretty much any girl that showed interest in him. I, on the other hand was at the other extreme, always chasing the "dream". I can tell you that my brother has had a lot happier life than I did. I have never seen him suffer much emotional turmoil, he never had unrequited love scenarios, would only start emotionally investing after about 6 months of dating and would get over each R after about 2 months after break up. I don't think he is really capable of loving deeply, but that is a small price to pay. I have also observed other people and most go into LTRs without that out of this world "zing". That's just reality. Incredible zing does happen and can turn into a LTR, but your chances are about the same as winning the lottery. Also, passion that strong can be extremly volatile and can lead to unhelathy co-dependencies. This would be "settling" if it literally meant that he's going for any girl that shows any interest - regardless of if he actually finds her attractive. I seriously doubt that this is the case. Conversely, the "zing" probably happens (a bit) more often than lottery, but that still doesn't mean that this is a healthy or viable relationship (as you say).
Mr White Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 That's doing better than me at least. If i was in your cohort, you'd be doing great . Heads up
Author USMCHokie Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 I have already canceled some dates... I am really pushing myself with the online dating thing, but my heart is not into it at all. I guess I will keep pushing. I'm with you on this one...for whatever reason, my heart isn't quite into dating...if I were to end it with the girl I'm seeing, I don't think I'd jump back into dating...it just gets draining after a while...
norajane Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 IMO, confidence should make you 'deep' rather than shallow. Reflective, compassionate, generous, loving. Positives. Absolutely...and I want all of those things to be the result of being more confident...but at the moment, I feel like I'm going in the wrong direction... Confidence, the genuine kind, comes from within and brings you peace and strength. It doesn't send you looking for the next best thing, or the next hottest girl. I'm with you on this one...for whatever reason, my heart isn't quite into dating...if I were to end it with the girl I'm seeing, I don't think I'd jump back into dating...it just gets draining after a while... THIS is your real driver at the moment, not confidence. And it's ok to not be into dating at times. Charge your batteries for as long as you need to. You'll know when you're ready to fall in love again.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 THIS is your real driver at the moment, not confidence. And it's ok to not be into dating at times. Charge your batteries for as long as you need to. You'll know when you're ready to fall in love again. You might be right, but I feel like I've been charging my batteries for the last year and thought I'd be ready by now. I think it just feels draining because I'm not head over heels for this girl and things aren't as effortless as I'd ideally like them to be...
norajane Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 You might be right, but I feel like I've been charging my batteries for the last year and thought I'd be ready by now. I think it just feels draining because I'm not head over heels for this girl and things aren't as effortless as I'd ideally like them to be... I get it, but just because you thought you'd be ready by now doesn't mean you actually are ready. It's not something you can really control, you know?
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 This would be "settling" if it literally meant that he's going for any girl that shows any interest - regardless of if he actually finds her attractive. I seriously doubt that this is the case. Conversely, the "zing" probably happens (a bit) more often than lottery, but that still doesn't mean that this is a healthy or viable relationship (as you say). Well, he usually has a few girls showing an interest in him and he picks the one that he likes the most out of the options given. But he has never said "Nope, don't like any of them. I will wait until I meet someone I really like". So in a sense I think that this is settling. Agreed on "zing" and lottery
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 You might be right, but I feel like I've been charging my batteries for the last year and thought I'd be ready by now. I think it just feels draining because I'm not head over heels for this girl and things aren't as effortless as I'd ideally like them to be... I have been charging my batteries for years. And the more I am away from dating the less I want to date. So now I kind of feel like I should push myself. I would quite happily never date again.
paddington bear Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 USM sounds to me someone who suffered from low self-esteem when he was younger and is now in that tricky period between getting out of that way of thinking but not really knowing if what and how he is thinking is ok or not. I think he can do better than some girl who thinks he's great, but that he likes but doesn't feel that much for. To carry on in the hope that that situation will change would only hurt one or both parties at some point. It's hard to change habits and it is flattering when someone likes you a lot, even if you don't like them. But in this instance, the OP seems to be falling back into those old habits instead of embracing a new, forward-looking mentality, which should include some new, but slightly flexible boundaries. I suppose the thing to do is to set those boundaries, as in giving people a chance to see if something develops, but don't keep beating a dead horse either, if the spark isn't there after date 2 or 3 (thus allowing for first/second date nerves/shyness etc), it is unlikely to happen and therefore is better to move on. I think what we all forget is that it is rare to feel some spark, chemistry, whatever you want to call it. Throughout a lifetime how many of us have genuinely had that with another person? 2-3 times maybe. So no one should expect that bolt of lightening with great frequency and merely up your chances by playing the numbers game by dating lots of people until hopefully the right one shows up.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 You need to spend some more time analyzing the above past relationship if you haven't done that. I've spent way more than enough time analyzing the relationship. It ended almost a year ago. You're not starting from scratch. You know what you like in a partner. You know what makes a girl a "10" for you. It would certainly be a mistake to search for a duplicate of my ex. People are different and have different qualities that would make them a '10'. Why did this relationship end? She left. Reasons don't matter. If you do meet someone like this in the future, what can you do to achieve a more lasting outcome? Find someone who is actually capable of a lasting relationship.
counterman Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 To be honest, I cannot be bothered jumping into another relationship right now. I just want to have fun, whether with my mates or dating. I'll only consider exclusivity if I feel like there is no more baggage.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 To be honest, I cannot be bothered jumping into another relationship right now. I just want to have fun, whether with my mates or dating. I'll only consider exclusivity if I feel like there is no more baggage. I see what you're saying, but how long can you continue to "have fun" with a girl before exclusivity has to happen...? How much patience can a girl have being in a casual relationship before she wants or even expects more...?
Woggle Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I see what you're saying, but how long can you continue to "have fun" with a girl before exclusivity has to happen...? How much patience can a girl have being in a casual relationship before she wants or even expects more...? That is when you dump her and move to the next one.
Diezel Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I see what you're saying, but how long can you continue to "have fun" with a girl before exclusivity has to happen...? How much patience can a girl have being in a casual relationship before she wants or even expects more...? Typical female: 4 to 6 months. If she wants exclusivity and you don't, just be honest about it and move on. If she wants exclusivity and you do, VOILA. If she never brings it up and still goes out with you, keep doing what you are doing. Just because you start dating someone doesn't mean you HAVE to end up in a long term relationship with her. It goes both ways. I've known men that wanted an LTR and women who didn't.
shadowplay Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 (edited) I think 1) confidence is a GREAT THING. You have to CHANGE the way you think about it. If you are dumping girls you LIKE because they don't rank high enough on some imaginary SCALE of looks... then that is UNCONFIDENT. Just ask yourself one simple question, AM I ATTRACTED. Don't break it down to "THEY ARE NOT PRETTY ENOUGH." Oh and DON'T START DATING girls who you are not attracted to and you won't run into this problem. Pretty simple. I agree with Green's response. It's hard to tell from your post what's going on in your head. If you are attracted to these girls, but you feel like you could do better according to some societal standard of attractiveness that you've internalized...then I'd say you're being shallow. It's different if you're simply not attracted to them. That's not shallow. Also, I agree that you shouldn't be dating girls you're not attracted to. That's a deal breaker that should prevent you from even asking them on a first date. Don't expect the attraction to grow because they have a nice personality. That's setting yourself up for an awkward situation. Just avoid it altogether in the future. Edited July 4, 2010 by shadowplay
shadowplay Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 do you think these girls are pretty, though? Because passing up a pretty girl who is good people and that you get along great with simply because you believe you can attract a prettier girl is really shooting yourself in the foot. There's no guarantee that the prettier girls you can attract are people you will get along great with. For a long term relationship, "get along great" is really important. And if you do think she's pretty (although maybe not as stunning as you think you can get) and are passing her up, then odds are, you aren't looking for a long term relationship. +1 ------------
shadowplay Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 (edited) Sounds like your feelings of attraction are bouncing between extremes. On one side you were desperate to have anyone find you attractive. The other extreme is wanting to have the most attractive women possible. Bouncing between extremes is a sign that you lack experience and maturity about relationships. You are completely normal for going through a phase like this. Yep, bouncing between overvaluing and devaluing other people usually goes along with lack of maturity and an undefined identity. A lot of young guys, particularly those with less experience and confidence, fall prey to the idolization/devaluation pattern. They go through years of idolizing women, and then have trouble appreciating what they have when girls finally start paying attention to them. Don't take this the wrong way, Chokie. You seem like a good guy, and I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually... just be aware of these potentially unhealthy patterns. EDIT: This actually reminds me of a movie I saw last night called "Greenberg," starring Ben Stiller. Edited July 4, 2010 by shadowplay
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