hopesndreams Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 almost feel like I could "do better" due to my recently increasing self-confidence. And this might be the reason why I haven't been feeling that "spark" with them...because I subconsciously (or maybe even consciously) want someone who is even more attractive. And to be honest, it makes me feel like a completely shallow douche...and I'm a little disgusted with myself... Why bother dating at all? Sounds like you need some alone time.
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I don't think this necessarily makes you shallow; a physical connection is important and it's good that you're being honest with yourself and with these girls. I would say though, don't discount the potential physical chemistry you could have with someone based on their conventional attractiveness. My boyfriend is definitely far off from your typical male model type, but he's good looking in a unique way and when we first met I was madly attracted to him and couldn't even really understand why. Could I date someone more conventionally physically attractive? Yes, in fact, I have in the past.. But the emotional chemistry I have with my boyfriend is one of a kind and I wouldn't give it up even for a Brad Pitt look-a-like. But you gave these girls a shot, you obviously didn't just pass over them because they weren't attractive enough. If after several dates the chemistry isn't there, it's nothing to feel bad about. You gave them a fair shot! Based on your posts I've seen here you do not strike me as shallow at all...so don't beat yourself up too much. ;]
sagetalk Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I know how important confidence is in the dating game, but is this sort of behavior normal? Does confidence cause us to raise our expectations and want more than we've had before? For those who experienced increased confidence later in life, did you ever feel that you could "do better" as far as physical attractiveness? I'm kinda at a similar point as you. There are girls that I could date, but they just don't have that spark that I'm looking for. I'm fairly particular when it comes to women, and many of the girls of my generation don't seem to have any desire to be what I think great women are. This routine of "I don't need men", "I'm independent", attitude has really lowered my desire to date at all. I just have in the back of my mind that I can find the girl I want and I don't have to settle. Find the girl you want, the girl you have no doubts about that treats you well and is honest with you. That's the girl you need and don't take any other girl than her.
alyssatranswarrior Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 (edited) Pictures or we can't really help you figure out what is the root cause or if it is what you say to us. Obviously its direspectful to post their picture (so dont get in a twist anyone) that part was a jk My point is, we cant help you decide your market value unless we were to see, and even then it WIDELY varies based on how much we all vary in look and taste of our standards. In the hollywood scene, since its easy for us all to guage a response on, I would think it's like you are getting the standard of ; a) marcia cross, when you COULD maybe get nicole kidman b) anne hathaway, when you COULD maybe get angelina jolie c) catherine keener , when you COULD maybe get demi moore d) kirsten bell, when you COULD maybe get mischa barton ETC ETC That is a subjective comparative, and obviously most them look VERY hot in our exposure to them because of 1000's of dollars worth of make-up/hair/clothing making them look so appealing to the eye for consumption. But, if the first examples of the comparative werent in magazines or in movies and such, they would just be "pretty" girls to the public consensus. They wouldn't be "model" contenders in most peoples view (which the last ones are). Edited July 3, 2010 by alyssatranswarrior
Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I'm really disappointed in your attitude, to be honest. I would never encourage you to pursue someone you weren't attracted to. But you ARE attracted to these women. You just think you can find someone who's more attractive. That's not being selective. To me, that's the very definition of shallow and the very beginning of living a life that's controlled by the "grass is greener" syndrome. After all this, I realized that although I'm attracted to both of them, I don't think I'm attracted "enough" and almost feel like I could "do better" due to my recently increasing self-confidence. And this might be the reason why I haven't been feeling that "spark" with them...because I subconsciously (or maybe even consciously) want someone who is even more attractive.
Woggle Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Men should have standards and be picky but make sure it is about the right things.
Yamaha Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 If you like them but don't want to date them the obvious answer is to offer friendship.
Ariadne Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Hi, I've seen it happen a lot when people lose a huge amount of weight or put on muscles. They suddenly become attractive and it sort of gets to their heads (not sure this is your case). Then looks become very important so they spend time shopping, tanning, exercising, etc. And of course, their "standards" become much higher. The idea is, I want someone as attractive as I am!
SteveC80 Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Women do the exact same thing i dont know how any times i approached some girl who happened to be in a relationship and she said how much hotter iam then her boyfriend and that shed be wiling to leave him for me We all do it were a selfish shallow generation and only the fittest and most attractive survive
carhill Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 For those who experienced increased confidence later in life, did you ever feel that you could "do better" as far as physical attractiveness? Later in life, IME, one's perception has changed; the journey is recognizing and accepting the changes. My personal perception is not one of 'doing better' since I tend to view people as my equals, but rather, for relationships, *more compatible* with my own psychology and sexual and emotional styles. The 'change' is accepting and embracing that combination *can* be packaged in any carcass (meaning the superficiality of the physical appearance) and recognizing it and seeing its potential every day. Remember, I'm talking about LTR's and marriage here. That is a very specific path. IMO, confidence should make you 'deep' rather than shallow. Reflective, compassionate, generous, loving. Positives. You have your own path. Right now, if this path seems healthy to you, follow it. Life will inevitably accept your choices and return new potentials. Some you will find fulfilling and others not. Hope it works out
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Also note that having a very attractive gf can sometimes be a nightmare. Guys will hit on her anywhere she goes - if you are a jealous type it can be quite distressing. You will also have to constantly be on your toes to make sure that you are fulfilling all her needs as she can easily find that elsewhere. This is why I stay away from very attractive people even if they are interested in me.
theBrokenMuse Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 We all do it were a selfish shallow generation and only the fittest and most attractive survive Really, only the attractive survive?!! Then why do I see so many unattractive people every day, Mr. Melodramatic?
SteveC80 Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Really, only the attractive survive?!! Then why do I see so many unattractive people every day, Mr. Melodramatic? I didnt mean survive literally
carhill Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Also note that having a very attractive gf can sometimes be a nightmare. Guys will hit on her anywhere she goes - if you are a jealous type it can be quite distressing. You will also have to constantly be on your toes to make sure that you are fulfilling all her needs as she can easily find that elsewhere. This is why I stay away from very attractive people even if they are interested in me. Just imagine an otherwise compatible man feeling the same way about you, when considering the relative health of that perspective, since you have shared some particulars of your attractiveness in the past. Do you see how ships pass in the night? If you're confident, how others perceive your SO/spouse is really irrelevant. You know your capacity to love and be in a healthy relationship and your SO/spouse nurtures that dynamic with their own equal and proactive capacity to love you and desire to be in a relationship with you. Others are really irrelevant. That's confidence. Try it
that girl Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. I don't think anyone should date someone they aren't attracted to out of some kind of guilt. However, I do think that online dating can lead to a constant feeling of "there is someone better out there." I don't know if this is you, but it is something you might want to think about. I don't think any guy should go on a second date with a girl who doesn't meet these 3 criteria: 1.) She is looks beautiful to you. Eyes, hair, nairs, smile, ect. The subtleties of female beauty. 2.) She looks sexy to you. Her body has the right shape and tone, and you want to have wild passionate sex with her. 3.) Her personality makes you happy, and puts you at ease. You have good chemistry together. There are some guys out there who select women based solely on the second criteria, and that's fine for a one night stand. But if you want LTR, then I think your partner needs to meet all 3 criteria. Women seem to be entirely different. If the girl is physically attracted to a man, then the other criteria go out the window. I'm not saying all women are that way, of course not. But I know a lot of women who stay in long term relationships with guys who are total a$$#ols. Guy looks like he was hit in the face with a frying pan, has a vile attitude 24/7, treats her like trash, but the girl is physically attracted to the guy, so she makes it work. She'll put on rose colored glasses, and lie to herself and everyone else about him. Every father who has a daughter lives in fear that she will lose her mind over a rotten guy who only has physical attaction going for him. So this is the major difference I'm trying to explain: Guy meets a girl who he only finds to be sexy, nothing else. Sleeps with her, and then ditches her. Girl meets a guy who she only finds to be sexy, sleeps with him, and something switches in her brain :love::love:, now suddenly this rotten person is a prince who can do no wrong. WTH? Oh where to begin on this one..... I think physical atrraction is very important, but lots of people are nervous on first dates. They may be so hung up on themselves that they don't really see who is in front of them. Or the other person might be so nervous that the chemistry isn't there, but would be there on a second or third date. It can take a few dates for people to really click. As for men versus women. You praise men for being sleeping with and ditching women they find sexy but don't immediately click with. Seriously, that is a point of praise?
sagetalk Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Really, only the attractive survive?!! Then why do I see so many unattractive people every day, Mr. Melodramatic? Alcohol, drugs, and bad decision making .
fishtaco Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I'm really disappointed in your attitude, to be honest. I would never encourage you to pursue someone you weren't attracted to. But you ARE attracted to these women. You just think you can find someone who's more attractive. That's not being selective. To me, that's the very definition of shallow and the very beginning of living a life that's controlled by the "grass is greener" syndrome. That would be true if attraction were a simple binary choice. Yes or no. That's not the case. Attraction is spread out the entire range. Plus attraction does change. There's a wide range of behaviors. Not dating the first girl that comes along that you feel a twinge of attraction towards doesn't necessary propel a person into the "grass in greener" category. I would need to see more incriminating behavior from USMCHokie before I would declare him as the "grass is greener" type. So far I think he's pretty normal.
theBrokenMuse Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I didnt mean survive literally I know but the way you worded it just made it sound so over the top dramatic that I had to poke fun at it a bit. Although, I must admit that I would say that particular sentiment is also untrue in the relationship arena as well.
gamma1 Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Women do the exact same thing i dont know how any times i approached some girl who happened to be in a relationship and she said how much hotter iam then her boyfriend and that shed be wiling to leave him for me We all do it were a selfish shallow generation and only the fittest and most attractive survive Only some people are selfish and shallow. Unfortunately, those that are often want to use it against the rest of the population.
marsle85 Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 As long as i'm still in the running, you're not too picky.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 As long as i'm still in the running, you're not too picky. Marsle, you know I totally have a crush on you...
Thermometer Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 In my experience, you can become more physically attracted to people on the basis of their personalities. But if that's not happening, then it's probably not worth it to continue the relationships with. Time erodes beauty. You want to be with someone you can feel a connection with even after they're not "HOTTIE McHOTTSON"
Author USMCHokie Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 Wow, thanks everyone for all the responses. I'd love to reply to each one individually, but...well, I don't like you all that much... For those who said that all of this is just part of dating, I understand what you're saying. But I never felt like I had much of a "choice" in dating and basically dated whoever seemed to be interested in me. And even then, this didn't start until I was 23. I became interested in them pretty much because they were interested in me. I figured I was one of those folks that had to settle with whoever I could get because I was the stereotypical nice guy who didn't think very highly of himself. But recently, I'm seeing more female attention for the first time in my life, and so my confidence is going up which only helps to catch more attention. It's just that as I get attention from more attractive women, I feel like they might actually offer me a chance to show them how great of a guy I am and attract them with my personality and boyish charm... The greener grass syndrome was also mentioned, and I don't think it'd apply to me just yet. In my last relationship, I thought my ex was simply gorgeous. She wasn't a "10" and there were certainly other women I saw who were prettier or in better shape than she was, but everything about her made her a '10' in my mind and there was no greener grass for me. But at the moment, I haven't reached that sort of connection with the girl I'm dating, and we haven't had the relationship talk yet.
Mr White Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 One thing to remember is that dating is like a market in a sense that no matter what your intrinsic self worth/confidence are, you are as "worthy"/attractive as the women you attract are. My point being that the type of woman attracted to a guy is generally a valid, though of course not 100% reliable, indicator of this guy's "worth" on the dating market. Trying to work on the margins - e.g. to "pursue" women that are on the fence about you, or don't quite make sense in a relationship scenario with you, is much like trying to beat the stock market - every once in a while some do it, but the aggregate and in the long term it is impossible. In that sense, dating exclusively the girls that show interest in you is a pretty rational choice - not settling. Men never have the active part in a relationship - they display, and women "chose".
Author USMCHokie Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 To provide some context, all of this started when I got back into online dating. I started talking with two girls and later met them. There was one who I thought was beautiful and felt I'd be compatible with. When I met her in person, I had a wonderful time and her personality made her that much more attractive. Unfortunately, I didn't get past the first date with her. However, I continued talking with the second girl, who I didn't find as attractive. When I met her, she wasn't crazy and seemed to be interested in me, so I kept seeing her because she wanted to see me. While this was all happening, I met a third girl while outside a bar...she literally came up to me out of nowhere and started feeling up my body, and that's how I started seeing the second girl, which is now over. So I feel like I'm falling back into my old approach that I'm dating the second online girl primarily because she's interested in me. I'm not super super attracted to her, but I have fun with her and we get along. Like I said before, I just don't feel that "zing" like I did with my ex or even to a lesser extent with the first online girl. And this is why I feel so bad for not giving her a chance. I look back on my life before and see that I was so appreciative of any opportunity to show a girl the kind of guy I could be for her and attract her with personality and character rather than amazingly good looks. And I agree with those of you who said that attraction builds from a compatible personality. I just wish I felt that 'zing' to go along with the personality...
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