lunita Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 (edited) Ok here's the background story. My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago. We went through a period where we were both arguing (we were both under a lot of stress) but then realized we wanted to work on it and were. One night he went to his parents for dinner and they told him that if he married me we would end in divorce and that he could never make me happy. My boyfriend told me this and I of course got upset. I had done nothing to support my boyfriend (through difficult times of my own) and helped him with house renovations for 4 months after only having been with him for 4 months. We had plans to live together and get married. I helped him re-design the house. Anyways, he couldn't deal with the issue at hand so he ended it. I was distraught to say the least. I didn't do no contact. It was too hard and he at least picked up the phone and would call me back. I told him things were getting better for me, called him a couple times a week, let him know i was there and eventually he agreed to take me out on our 1 year anniversary. We had such a great time he started calling and asked to hang out with me on his own. Things were great but I still didn't know where we stood. My family and friends kept asking if we were back together and my answer was always "I don't know". So one night after a month of dating, I asked what was up, were we together and he stated that he realized he did miss me and doesn't want to date anyone else and is hanging out with me for the purpose of getting back together but right now he still didn't know. He doesn't want to break up and get back together several times and wants to be sure that if we do get back together that we are going to take it to the next level. Unfortunately, the convo didn't exactly go in that order and i asked him to please consider my feelings in all of this because it's been hard. He seemed really off put and didn't like that i even asked these questions. He was raising his voice a little and working himself up (i remained calm). In retrospect, I now know that asking a guy about his feelings, especially him (he's extra sensitive and isn't closely in touch with his feelings) was probably not the right thing to do. Regardless, we were really enjoying the time together and he had told me so. I ended the convo saying that I respected the fact that he still wasn't sure yet and asked if it was safe to say that he had to respect the fact that I may not always know what's going on, even if it's obvious to him. He agreed. The next day he cancelled our date for that night though. Said he had work to do. I asked if that was the case or if he just didn't want to hang out with me. He said, "A bit of both". I decided to stop calling and he did not call me for 10 days. Then he texted me saying, "My friends just had their 1 year wedding anniversary, funny how things changed. It wasn't suppose to be this way". After mulling things over I responded with, "No it really wasn't suppose to be this way but you know how i feel when it comes to us, so I'm not sure what to say anymore." I figure that was neutral enough. He was probably expecting me to a) get mad or b) tell him I miss him and want him back. Do you think he will call? What did his text mean exactly? I know he likes to take his time to think about things and be certain. We were really wanting to go to the next level so this is very hard. We are both 33 in case that matters. In my opinion, all of this was based off of him not being able to deal with his emotions. We did not cheat or lie to eachother or do anything that I consider irreversable. This sucks. Edited July 1, 2010 by lunita mistakes
boltsfan17 Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 Sorry to hear about your situation. I think the best thing to do right now is to back off. Don't contact him anymore. It sounds to me like he needs time to sort out his issues and time to figure out what he really wants. I know it's tough going no contact. I'm going through a break up myself going with the "no contact" rule and it's been extremely difficult. I've learned the hard way that the more you contact the person, the more it's just going to push them away even further. I'm new here, but I've read many posts on this site. I know everyone has their own opinion on the NC rule. Personally, I feel if you really love and want the person back, you need to first give them space. If you haven't heard anything in a month or so, I would send a short text or e-mail and say something like you hope he's doing well and leave it at that. Don't mention anything about the relationship. I know many will disagree with me on that advice, but I just think if you want the person back, doing nothing isn't always the best option. At the same time, you need to look at the bigger picture. His family feeling that way about you could bring issues down the road if you were to get married. I know it's both of your lives, but getting married and having his family not approve of it could spell disaster. I've seen and heard about that happening many times. If you were arguing often during the marriage, I'm sure his family would tell him basically "I told you so." From the way it sounds, he already has trouble dealing with his emotions so who knows what would happen then. He might want to get a divorce, which would be really hard to deal with. Right now, I wouldn't think about what exactly he meant in his text or sit around wondering if he will call. You need time for yourself. Try your best to stay busy and get your mind off of things. If he texts you with a comment, I wouldn't even respond. You both need space.
Author lunita Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 Hi, thanks for your response. Don't get me wrong, I am going out living life and having fun with friends when I can. But he is still in my mind and it's not something easily forgettable. I've been through lots of break ups (one was a 6 year relationship breakup) before and I've even gone through the most horrible time leaving someone who was abusive and stalking me. While looking back, the other break ups were sad, and leaving a crazy ******* was hard, I've never felt this way before. It felt final with the others, but not with this one. It just feels internally wrong. I must admit I couldn't get to the site today and I decided to just call and leave a message saying hi and hope he had a great Canada Day. Nothing more, nothing less. I'll leave it at that. You can all pursecute me for contacting him but I did NC for two weeks and felt content that that was enough space to say "hi", espeically since he texted me a few days ago first. We'll see how I feel tomorrow and on the weekend. Maybe I just set myself up to hurt more, maybe not. Only time will tell. Thank you!!!
boltsfan17 Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 You are welcome. I think the site was down for most of the day. I'm sure he is still in your mind. I'm dealing with the same thing now. Even though you go out living life and having fun, that person is still on your mind. Honestly, there really isn't a right or wrong answer. People will tell you their opinion, but at the end of the day, you are going to do what you feel is best. No one can knock you for that, breaking NC. Did you get a response when you said "hi?" Since you contacted him, I would go NC for a few more weeks or more now and wait for him to contact you. If he doesn't contact you, maybe you can text him to see how he's doing and leave it at that. Eventually though, you will have to go NC for good and move on so you don't set yourself for more hurt. Of course that is easier said then done. Good luck with everything. Hang in there.
Author lunita Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 Well he responded to me this morning early. Said he didn't get my message from last night until this morning. We had at least 10 back and forth text messages. Looks like his mom and dad left yesterday and will be in Europe until the end of December (this is good news for me). We had a couple of laughs and it was light convo which is nice. I'm going to leave things as they are for now and not push. I've got plans for the weekend to keep me busy so that's good. Now it's the waiting game. I know NC is good, but I also know him well and know he needs reassurance so that is why I called in the first place. Since I did not mention any relationship stuff, I think we are both on ok territory now. Phew. That was a scary 24 hours!
Author lunita Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 I mean scary 12 hours. LOL. It might as well have been 24!
HopeLove Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I find some similarities between your story and mine, but it sounds like in yours there is still hope. If you think he is the one, keep with NC but from to time to time contact, just the way you are doing now. Good luck!
Author lunita Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 Well my ex was texting me all afternoon yesterday and into the evening. I was out hiking with a friend so the reception was off and on so I'm sure there were hours of delay in between his texts...so he knew I was out enjoying myself without him. He finally said he missed me and still cares for me. This is huge as he is very guarded and can't express himself very well. I am going to wait for him to make whatever the next move is and not be the one to reach out. It's his turn. He knows how I feel so he now needs to step up. I'll up date as things progress. Thanks for your support.
HopeLove Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I'm happy for you! Continue the way you are doing, you are making progress! ))
Author lunita Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Well the update is that we texted some more today. I told him to call me tonight, he did, I asked if we were ever going to see eachother again and he said, "Actually I was going to ask you to do something before I go away this weekend". (He's got a yearly golf trip.) So I told him to let me know when and if he can't to also let me know because I have family in town and will go see them instead, etc. So....so far so good. I went from NC to LC and let him know I was still sort of here but at the same time also let him know I was going out and enjoying life. So for me so far...that's worked. I'm hoping he will want to talk about "us" and am hoping he's got his brain sorted out by now. I'll update as I go along. I know there are lots of stories on here where people are hoping but just end up getting hurt over and over....I'm hoping to have a story different from that. Don't get me wrong, I know anything could happen at this point. Regardless of the outcome, I've learned more about myself in this than anything and I will take what I have learned and use it in the future...with him...or with someone else.
Author lunita Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Well we had our date last night and it went really well. We had a pic nic and I brought my dog. He was really sweat and it was like old times ... yet sort of felt like a fresh start. He is going away on a boys gold trip for the weekend so I'm guessing I'll know more when he gets back.
heart of gold Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Aww this story gives me hope since I'm going through a similar situation. You said you didn't talk to him for a period of 10 days at one point and I've gotta say that that seems like a lifetime!! But I hope everything works out for you and maybe I'll have a little luck myself!
Author lunita Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Hey thanks. Actually, it was two weeks and a few of days and then he texted me. So more like 17 days. I can't believe it myself. I wish you the best of luck. Things aren't exactly in the clear quite yet but they are looking up for sure. It helps to have your own things going on so that you don't stress about it. If you don't stress about it, you don't stress them about it either. Stay strong. I'm curious what your story is?
heart of gold Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I actually posted it in another thread. It's the only one I've posted so it shouldn't be hard to find but its reeeeeeally long just to warn you. I'm just keeping everything positive and staying away from things I know will make me upset and it's helping. It's hard because we're in the same group of friends but it's day 2 of NC and I'm going strong! Hopefully it doesn't last long but who knows? Maybe we're both better off if it lasts a few months.
Recommended Posts