shadowplay Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 I hope sharing my progress helps some people. My ex broke my heart almost 3 months ago, suddenly abandoning me with no warning or reasonable explanation after we had planned our whole lives together and he had promised me every day that he would never ever hurt me. The breakup was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I didn't expect this kind of pain from the demise of a four month relationship, but I suppose you never know what experiences will shake you. I realized when it happened that I'd never be the same, because I was determined that I wouldn't be. It sounds silly, but I felt like a survivor navigating a world that was suddenly alien and scary. For years I'd been dead, anesthetizing the pain with guys and other distractions. I now saw with horror what a mess my life had become. My bad habits, which had accrued and cemented over 26 years, prevented my core self from self-actualizing. Changing myself was an incredibly daunting task because almost all of my habits were unhealthy. It is hard to express what a disaster my life was. I was on the verge of flunking out of university after being kicked out of another one three years before. I had six incompletes to finish. Had I flunked out, this would have meant 7 years of student loans and my life down the drain. I had no social life except for my boyfriend, no hobbies. While I was thin, I ate crap and didn't exercise. I had been fired from my work study job for being unreliable. I didn't attend to the basic things that normal people do. In fact I didn't even know how to do some of those things. Here's what I decided needed to change: 1. I needed friends. I only have one, and he lives far away. 2. I needed to get my academics in order, and keep them in order. 3. I needed to start taking care of myself. There were other things, like finding a job, but those three were my main priorities. I've been working like crazy on these habits for the last three months, and let me tell you it's infinitely harder than I ever expected. I knew it'd be tough, but I didn't realize how soul-crushing it could be. I didn't expect that I'd actually feel more pain trying than when I was avoiding. I didn't expect to have moments where I felt so demoralized by my lack of success that I fleetingly fantasized about suicide as an escape. A lot of the time it feels like I'm on a treadmill. I keep waiting for my efforts to bear fruit. So far my successes are small and infrequent. For a huge amount of effort I'll have one tiny success experience. But maybe that's just how it goes for awhile. Part of this process has also been realizing that I can't change everything about myself at once. I'll just burn out. I've learned that I need to prioritize, be patient with myself when I stumble, and make changes in realistic bites. But at the same time, I'm someone who isn't satisfied with an average amount of effort. I need to push myself harder than what's expected to feel happy. I feel happier in a state of near constant low level anxiety if it means I'm getting more done than in a state of relaxation where I'm not accomplishing as much. This isn't something I ever want to change about myself. Right now I'm trying to find a healthy balance between pushing to the point of burn out and going easy on myself but not getting that much done. What have I done so far? It may not seem like much, but it's taken a huge amount of effort. I've completed four out of the six incompletes (currently working on the remaining two) and received good grades in them, which will allow me to finally graduate in December. I've found a therapist and seen her religiously where in the past I'd miss a lot of appointments or suddenly drop out. I've started seeing a psychiatrist regularly and gotten on an ADHD medication that improves my concentration. I've started seeing a nutritionist regularly and my eating has improved substantially. After months of looking, I finally found a great new place to live with cool people. I forced myself to face my fears and finally see an uncle that I hadn't for seven years because of some painful experiences with him from my past. I've made several attempts to meet people despite my fears. So far my efforts haven't worked, but I'm going to keep trying. The funny, if a bit troubling thing, is that I don't think I'm getting much out of therapy. Maybe I just have a bad therapist, but it seems like all the progress I make happens on my own without much guidance from her.
Author shadowplay Posted July 1, 2010 Author Posted July 1, 2010 Just wanted to add that this whole experience has helped me understand why so many people never change and are unwilling to even try. Changing is hard and painful as fck. Many prefer a comfortably depressed existence to something unpredictable and at times acutely painful. But I'm so grateful to be going through this. And I'm finally starting to feel grateful that I lost that loser of an ex, because if I hadn't, I might have never felt motivated to change my life. I will never stop pushing until I get where I want to be.
threebyfate Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 I've completed four out of the six incompletes (currently working on the remaining two) and received good grades in them, which will allow me to finally graduate in December. I've found a therapist and seen her religiously where in the past I'd miss a lot of appointments or suddenly drop out. I've started seeing a psychiatrist regularly and gotten on an ADHD medication that improves my concentration. I've started seeing a nutritionist regularly and my eating has improved substantially. After months of looking, I finally found a great new place to live with cool people. I forced myself to face my fears and finally see an uncle that I hadn't for seven years because of some painful experiences with him from my past. I've made several attempts to meet people despite my fears. So far my efforts haven't worked, but I'm going to keep trying.Ummm...girlfriend, you've done a huge, huge amount of work in three months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Give yourself about 100 pats on the back but as well, don't ever forget that you're human too and yes, I agree, you can burn out at the rate you're going. You've got a lot to be proud of. Don't minimalize your efforts.
pandagirl Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Just wanted to add that this whole experience has helped me understand why so many people never change and are unwilling to even try. Changing is hard and painful as fck. Many prefer a comfortably depressed existence to something unpredictable and at times acutely painful. But I'm so grateful to be going through this. And I'm finally starting to feel grateful that I lost that loser of an ex, because if I hadn't, I might have never felt motivated to change my life. I will never stop pushing until I get where I want to be. You are doing great! It's only been three months and you've accomplished a lot, but more important, you are on the right track. Remember: success comes in increments and little victories. And, yes, changing is hard, which is why no one really wants to do it, but it's the people who try and succeed that are truly the strong ones. I'd like to think I have changed since ten years ago, but it was a long journey. I was body-dysmorphic, self-hating and depressed. But, like you, I had a point where I said: "This sucks. I'm tired of this crap." And the funny thing is -- I bet you are the same way -- even when I was at my low points, I knew I was better than what I was. Be kind and patient with yourself. I know your self-resolve will carry you through to the other end.
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Just wanted to add that this whole experience has helped me understand why so many people never change and are unwilling to even try. Changing is hard and painful as fck. Many prefer a comfortably depressed existence to something unpredictable and at times acutely painful. But I'm so grateful to be going through this. And I'm finally starting to feel grateful that I lost that loser of an ex, because if I hadn't, I might have never felt motivated to change my life. I will never stop pushing until I get where I want to be. Count me among the "many". I think that despite your ex being a loser, you have learned a lot from that relationship. I never observed any of the self-sabotaging patterns that were present in your threads when you were with your ex ex. Your life might have been a "mess" but you were emotionally open, and the right guy would have stood by you. Congrats on passing your courses and other amazing changes you have made You have demostrated a lot of inner strength that you should be proud of.
Author shadowplay Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 Thanks for the support and encouragement TBF, Panda and SaCWA!! I really appreciate it. Update. (This turned into a long journal entry, so I apologize if it's boring. Just writing out my thoughts as they come.) So I found a job! It's not much, but it's good for now. I'm working as a hostess/waitress in a small ethnic cafe. The food is amazing; it was already one of my favorite places in town. Pros: Very friendly people, great atmosphere, free delicious lunches, good hours, literally a two min walk from where I live. Cons: Pay isn't great, and I don't get much in tips. Because it's somewhere between a cafe and restaurant, people tip in the jar at the front (even though I bring food to their tables). This means that the tips are divided between everyone who is working on a given shift (about 5 or 6 people usually). By the end of the day I've only made about 10-15 dollars in tips. I'll probably be putting in about 20-30 hours a week. I want to leave time to finish those incompletes and work on the short film for my thesis. I'm wondering whether it would make sense for me to keep looking for another job that pays better, and hold onto this one if I can't. The job is enough to cover living expenses, but not really to save up much money. Then again I need a good reference as my last job ended badly, and the one before that was two years ago. Also, it will help me get other waitressing jobs in the future if I ever need to in order to make ends meet. I've also thought about bartending once I get more experience, since it's a good way to make quick cash. I found this job within hours on my first real day of looking. It was the first place where I interviewed and he gave it to me on the spot. Maybe this means I could easily find something else, or maybe I just got lucky? When I called other places before I found this job, I got the impression most businesses in town weren't hiring....though a few were. Other changes. I have two housemates. One is a guy who is rarely around and is leaving in a month. The girl is cool, though. She's friendly, easy going, and we seem to have some things in common since she's also in the film/animation industry. I invited her to a trivia thing last night at a bar, and we had a good time. She invited me to a movie next week and we talked about rock climbing some time. She's wants to get back into it, and I've always wanted to try. Seems like she might turn into a friend, but I don't want to get my hopes up in case it doesn't happen. It's a bit scary. I haven't had a female friend in 8 years, so I'm not great at socializing with girls. I always worry we'll run out of things to talk about, which is less of a concern when I'm around guys. I've improved quite a bit at socializing in small groups, when it's fairly structured (like hanging out at a bar). But I'm uneasy with unstructured socializing -- in a household or at a workplace, for example. I think it's partly because my parents never had guests over growing up, so I'm clueless about the proper etiquette. It's always a fine line between being unfriendly and being too friendly. I'm worrying should I be downstairs now socializing while she's in the kitchen, or have I already done enough for the night? I feel uneasy, like I always have to be on in my own house, when I'd love to just spend a few hours to myself relaxing in my room. When I'm working in my room, I start to feel nervous that I should be downstairs and this breaks my concentration, Also, I still haven't gotten the hang of one-on-one socializing with a stranger or acquaintance. I'm great at it once I've really gotten to know somebody, but early on it can be a lot pressure without a third person as a buffer.
Author shadowplay Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 (edited) ^Ha, reading this over today I was obsessing too much yesterday. I just need to be patient with myself. It will naturally get easier with experience. I need to face and embrace the discomfort. Edited July 3, 2010 by shadowplay
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 It's kind of funny how I worry about running out of conversation with some of my friends that I have known for years. Also, when I first found out that I will be sharing an office with a girl, my first thoughts were that "things will be awkward". And I worried about all kinds of things like how much should I speak to her during work day, trying to guess if she wants to be left alone and work or if she wants to chat. Feeling like I am being rude if I spend an hour working away with no conversation between us. Even now, 2 years later I am glad that we will soon be getting another girl to share the office (it's a HUGE office and could easily acommodate 4 people). I feel like there is less pressure on me to make conversation if there is third girl present.
Joe Normal Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Nice journal. I've done a fair bit of change over the last year or two, and for me it is a 3 steps forward, 2 steps back kind of thing, at least in the early days. So don't get discouraged if you find it difficult, I think most of us do! What I experienced was that it gets better and easier the more you go along. The early period is the hardest, after a while you get used to improving, to working on yourself and your habits, and then eventually you get into a kind of positive self-reinforcing feedback loop where progress makes you feel better, which makes you take more care of yourself, which makes you progress more, etc. The important thing is never give up and keep going. Even if you backslide or relapse, you can start up again. Just stick to it. I'd also recommend trying to get someone else you trust to help monitor your progress - it helps to avoid lapsing back into bad habits if you know you are being "watched".
spriggig Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 You mentioned a Nutritionist. So many of them aren't worth the paper they hang in their office, they just parrot the party line, "low fat, high carbs, and exercise more." If you want results, hate cardio exercise and want to feel physically and emotionally much better, listen to these guys: http://www.lowcarblindsey.com/ http://www.marksdailyapple.com/ http://www.paleonu.com/get-started/ http://livinlavidalowcarb.com/blog/
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