kiss_andmakeup Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 A perfect example is a discussion I had with him yesterday. I'm picking out a new car and my boyfriend asked me what colour I was considering. I said "I really like that magenta shade," and he says "You can't pick a less conspicuous colour? Like black or gray?" At first I thought he said this simply because he thought the magenta was ugly (which I had anticipated). I laughed and said "well you don't have to drive it!" and he said "well, it's not that. You drive the same route to work every day, leave and arrive home at the same time, and are alone before I get home for the same amount of hours each night. Say there's some whacko out there who sees you and decides to stalk you, and then with this brightly coloured car, you've made his job easier." He also reminds me that I should switch up the route I take to work and not take the same roads every day (we live in a very safe suburban area), make sure the blinds are closed when I'm home alone so nobody can see that I'm by myself, avoid going jogging in the evening (we have nice, well-lit sidewalks in our area), etc etc. I should note that he is NOT overprotective in a way that raises the "controlling boyfriend" red flag. He's fine with me going out with my friends (without him), he's not calling me constantly or making me let him know where I am, he doesn't tell me what I can or can't wear or who I can hang out with. But I've never been with someone who was so paranoid that something was going to happen to me. Part of me thinks he just watches too much "Forensic Files." He says it's just because I'm young and petite and attractive (his words not mine) and there are whackos out there. Perhaps it's our age difference and he feels "responsible" for me in some way (he is more than 10 years my senior)? Regardless, do you think this is something I should be worried about?
Jilly Bean Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 Perhaps it's our age difference and he feels "responsible" for me in some way (he is more than 10 years my senior)? This. I'm sure he feels paternal towards you. Common with a large age difference, and you being very young. Seriously though? A pink car? lol
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted July 1, 2010 Author Posted July 1, 2010 This. I'm sure he feels paternal towards you. Common with a large age difference, and you being very young. Seriously though? A pink car? lol It's not as bad as it sounds! It's a deep magenta...more like a deep red with a hint of purplish/pinkish tone to it. I knew I'd get some flack for that.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 I've had boyfriends like this, with no big age difference. One of them even offered to pay for a security system for my house. I think it's sweet, unless they start to go a little overboard. But usually, a little pushback from you and reassurance that you'll be fine is all it takes to calm them down.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted July 1, 2010 Author Posted July 1, 2010 I think it's nice that he considers your safety like that. I dated a guy who always had me call when I got home, would check my tires before I drove off, would call me if bad weather was coming my way, things like that. Made me feel good that he cared about my safety. Having said that though, he wasn't always making suggestions on how to do things. Although it is obviously with very good intentions, I think I'd get a little annoyed with the suggestions after a while. I think as with anything, there's a line that can be crossed where it becomes too much. Yes, if it ever got to such a frequency that it got irritating, I would definitely say something. I've had boyfriends like this, with no big age difference. One of them even offered to pay for a security system for my house. I think it's sweet, unless they start to go a little overboard. But usually, a little pushback from you and reassurance that you'll be fine is all it takes to calm them down. Yes, I always tell him, "it's okay, I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself." A security system, that is funny. Right now we have an apartment but I think if we ever have a house that might be one of his first home improvements!
Diezel Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 You just described my girlfriend. I live in a part of New Jersey that feels like Mayberry. People leave their bicycles out on the lawn, doors unlocked, car windows open. I feel so safe in this neighborhood that I never lock my car doors and I almost always forget to lock my front door in my apartment complex. She comes along in her car, locks it, makes sure the alarm is put on, looks all around the neighborhood and then proceeds to walk to my car and then set the locks on mine. She keeps telling me how I work in the financial industry with sensitive information and that anyone could follow me home and try to kidnap me or rape me. I think it's sweet. I know she worries about me and my well-being. But if she did this for every little thing, I'd snap.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted July 1, 2010 Author Posted July 1, 2010 You just described my girlfriend. I live in a part of New Jersey that feels like Mayberry. People leave their bicycles out on the lawn, doors unlocked, car windows open. I feel so safe in this neighborhood that I never lock my car doors and I almost always forget to lock my front door in my apartment complex. She comes along in her car, locks it, makes sure the alarm is put on, looks all around the neighborhood and then proceeds to walk to my car and then set the locks on mine. She keeps telling me how I work in the financial industry with sensitive information and that anyone could follow me home and try to kidnap me or rape me. I think it's sweet. I know she worries about me and my well-being. But if she did this for every little thing, I'd snap. Wow, your girlfriend worries about you getting raped? That's...sweet...in a very unusual sort of way...
Green Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 I'm in my twenties and so is my gf. I'm a year older then she is. I worry about her safety. Its a known fact that an odd colored car or a car with markings that make it seem like a female car is more likely to be targeted by criminals. But I think you should just get the car you want, because a stalker can stalk you even if you are driving a black or grey car. I tell my gf never to let any people get CLOSE to her when she is out at night. Thats my best tip, and to scream real LOUD and run if they start getting close.
pandagirl Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 I think it's nice and sweet when they're concerned about your safety -- but only to a certain extent. I don't want someone monitoring or questioning my own judgment about things. Yes, it's ok to say: "Call me when you get home so I know you're safe." It's not ok to say: "Did you lock your door? Did you park close enough? Did you bring your pepper spray?" Leave that kind of talk for my parents. The only time I get worried about my bf is when it's late and I don't hear back from him. I've seen him almost go into a diabetic seizure before and I had to help him get out of it, and now that he lives by himself, I do get concerned from time to time.
alyssatranswarrior Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 (edited) My possible stbx (6 year LTR) would be exactly the candidate for this level of protectiveness. She is 5 foot petite, attractive model looks, and does NOT in any way scream "tough" (think alyson hannigan type but italian/irish). This is a slight tangent but in fact she (with her kinky side) has prompted me to "play-rape" her a bunch of times because her physically vulnerable factors are so evident. I'm guessing it's on her mind a lot late at night when she gets to her car after work. I worry, I worry ALOT. (Every bf who CARES, worries. Guaranteed) So its very normal. But I never let on/suggest anything or ever direct her to do things even when I know it'd be safer for her if she did what I suggested. When she makes a mistake or regrets a choice she makes, though, I usually use that as a place to step in and say "well you could do this instead, it wouldnt happen again" type of discussion. Better to educate those you care about than be too pre-emptively "parentlike". That's my view and I'd say without knowing theres as much chance my girl gets targetted than you would be. I think a sub-text way of telling your partner you are worried about them going out alone is in the kiss you give them before they leave and a look. Not worried "dont go", but worried "be careful baby" Edited July 1, 2010 by alyssatranswarrior
Gero Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 People worry and are protective of people they care about. I think that most people know when someone is being too protective. I wouldn't worry about it one bit. As long it doesn't turn into him controlling you then it's fine.
Citizen Erased Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 I worry about my bf, he doesn't exactly live in the safest of cities. But I know he can handle himself. I had to promise him the other day I wouldn't walk in a certain place in the middle of the day alone, he's really protective of me. I'm not exactly built for confrontations with nasty men, I'll give him that. I think it's sweet he cares. He loves me and wants me around, that I can live with.
aerogurl87 Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Ok well your boyfriend doens't sound possessive or too controlling like one of my exes who told me he didn't want me walking to subway down the street from my dorm in the middle of the day, in shorts because someone might decide to jump out the bushes and rape me. And that's good. I think it's natural though to care about your partner and want to make sure they're safe. This past weekend I went to a birthday party and my boyfriend asked if there would be drinking involved, and if my friend (who drove) was going to be drinking or not because he didn't want him drinking and driving me home. He also tells me to text or call him if I go somewhere after dark by myself. That's healthy though, there's nothing wrong with looking out for the well being of the people you care about.
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