Trying to Move On

June 30, 2010

So....the 17 year marriage I tried very hard to save ended with her final departure last October. The divorce was final in January. She left me, and my teenage daughters because (her words) she needed to find out who she is again. When pressed for a reason as to why she felt compelled to leave, she said she wasn't in love with me anymore because..and I have this in writing...we like different music, different movies, and different foods. Says I'm a good man, she just didn't love me anymore.

I realize full well that people get divorced every day. I'm nothing special in that regard. But I am still overwhelmed by this situation. My sense of self confidence, identity...everything has been shaken. I'm terrified of the future, cause it looks nothing like I anticipated. I'm 46 years old, facing the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life. My girls will be leaving home soon....college, etc. I thought this would be "our time", but now it's just going to be "my time".

Whine, whine, whine...that's what I feel like I'm doing. But, I would surely appreciate a perspective on all this. I try to stay strong every day for my daughters, so they don't see my pain and confusion. I'd like to reach a place where the confidence and serenity I show them is backed up by really feeling it. Cause inside I feel hollow and lost.

Thanks for any perspectives you can offer.

June 30, 2010

So....the 17 year marriage I tried very hard to save ended with her final departure last October. The divorce was final in January. She left me, and my teenage daughters because (her words) she needed to find out who she is again. When pressed for a reason as to why she felt compelled to leave, she said she wasn't in love with me anymore because..and I have this in writing...we like different music, different movies, and different foods. Says I'm a good man, she just didn't love me anymore.

I realize full well that people get divorced every day. I'm nothing special in that regard. But I am still overwhelmed by this situation. My sense of self confidence, identity...everything has been shaken. I'm terrified of the future, cause it looks nothing like I anticipated. I'm 46 years old, facing the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life. My girls will be leaving home soon....college, etc. I thought this would be "our time", but now it's just going to be "my time".

Whine, whine, whine...that's what I feel like I'm doing. But, I would surely appreciate a perspective on all this. I try to stay strong every day for my daughters, so they don't see my pain and confusion. I'd like to reach a place where the confidence and serenity I show them is backed up by really feeling it. Cause inside I feel hollow and lost.

Thanks for any perspectives you can offer.

This is aweful. But you are the rock that your kids can depend on for the rest of your life. they will take care of you because you were the only one that was there when the going got tough. Why do you assume you'll be alone for the rest of your life?? It's YOUR time to re-invent yourself and improve your life...or you can just sit there are wallow in your sorrow. It's never too late the restart your life and make it better than it was. I wish you best of luck in your new life!

July 1, 2010

Hey Duke,

You will not be alone for the rest of your life.

I thought that too. Actually I was 'certain' of it.

The empty feeling you have will gradually fade.

I remember it being the worst emotion I had ever felt.

The loss seemed unbearable. I didn't know how I kept breathing at times.

I still feel extreme sadness but I can also see hope for a great future.

Even though I still love my husband, part of me thanks him for leaving.

Because now I have a chance to be loved and cherished the way I

want to be.

I will be blessed to have more than one great love in my lifetime.

You will too, you just don't know it yet.

Take time to heal and be gentle on yourself. You are not expected

to just bounce back.

This is an incredible emotional adventure for you.

Take care.

JD

July 1, 2010

Thank you to both of you. Your replies are very encouraging.

July 1, 2010

After being with someone for so long.... Sometimes it is the fear of the unknown.... what you once thought was a comfortable lifestyle has now suddenly taken on a fear of the future of being on your own... How do you get you back? Time and rediscovering yourself without your partner... I felt I was a part of him that did not want to let go.... still don't, but don't have a choice.... and have to realize I can't force him to love me.... so it is with friends, family, work that keeps me going.... and knowing the roller coaster will have ups and downs and looking forward to more up days than down days.... It will happen with time I am told....

July 1, 2010

I dont know what the book or movie is about ..but there is something to be said for the title: EAT LOVE PRAY

take care of yourself-eat right

love those around you

pray to God giving any thanks and ask for help when you need it and strength and wisdom and guidence

like it says in the bible. let the weak say "i am strong"

surround yourself with uplifting things, but of course when you need to relate with the people on your pain level seek them out.

pain is a lone journey. keep hanging on for those kids

but let them know your human and it is ok to be human and experience loss

there is no deadline. i hate when people say ..get over it.

i am telling you i actually have to splash cold water on my face to revive myself sometimes.

i wonder how much more god can take from hearing me cry out to him LOL.

God bless and try to reconnect with anyone. has your wife remarried? just thinking ourloud..

July 1, 2010

IfIKnew....no, she hasn't remarried, but I expect she will. She's seeking the romance from "The Notebook", literally. Maybe she'll find it.

July 1, 2010

Maybe she will.

Maybe she wont.

It is probable that she is looking for something she will never find.

An anonymous quote that I am trying to live by.

'Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you

from love'.

July 1, 2010

So....the 17 year marriage I tried very hard to save ended with her final departure last October. The divorce was final in January. She left me, and my teenage daughters because (her words) she needed to find out who she is again. When pressed for a reason as to why she felt compelled to leave, she said she wasn't in love with me anymore because..and I have this in writing...we like different music, different movies, and different foods. Says I'm a good man, she just didn't love me anymore.

When I first joined here and started reading it felt like I had been thrown out with the trash and I landed on a pile of people.

Mine was 12 years, we have one 11 year old son and she says I'm a good man, she just doesn't love me anymore. She also cheated on me just before she left me--just for good measure.

You are six months from your divorce, I am six months (Jan. 7th) from D-Day, the day we had the "talk" and about one month from having enough money to file.

Thirteen years ago, my Soon To Be Ex Wife (STBXW) kicked her first husband out and thought "Who would want a divorced woman with a three-year old boy?" I wanted her and him and still do.

You may still feel hollow, but you're not lost anymore.

Only you can know when you're ready to try again. Two years from D-Day seems to be pretty typical. In the meantime, the common advice is to work on yourself and focus on the well-being of your kids. Read this site, when you need a kick in the ass listen to Gunny.

Here's two great sites that helped me focus on my health and forget about my troubles for awhile:

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/

http://www.paleonu.com/

July 1, 2010

I'm there with ya. I was married for a good seven years. I got wrecked hard too. Just take some time and do things that you didn't get to do before. It will seem different, but sometimes going out alone can actually be fun. Nobody to have to compete with over where to go or what to do. It's your ball field now, it's your game, have some fun.

July 1, 2010

What's so bad about being single and alone ~ you would prefer to spend the rest of your life with a woman who don't love you ~ isn't in love with and with whom according to her share no common interets with you?

You'll be single and alone only if you and you alone choose to be. Hate to be the one to break the news to you, but there's no shortage of women (nor men) there are only about thee and half billion of them ~ the world is literally covered up with them.

And the way this works is your allowed one AND ONLY ONE ~ twenty four hour 'pity party' Go get a fifth, some Klennix, play some country music and ball your eyes out.

Then get to picking yourself up and moving on ~ and never look back. Get busy identifying your weaknesses and shortcomings (as defined by you and you alone ~ the STBX gave her rights to such the day she walked out the door. Ditto with any and all "bitchin' rights )

Get up and get busy gettin busy living your life. Join a gym and the first thing you do in the morning is hit it ~ (join one of those that have have 24 hour access) Go in there and give yourself good work out each morning. Don't allow yourself to think about it ~ just do it. It will be good three to nine months before you "Feel like"

If you can't afford a gym membership Go out for a mile long walk then make it two miles, then three miles. Then take up running, biking (and I"m not talking a Harley Davidson either ~ but that can work to)

For right now you need to stay as busy as possible, up and going and on the move. No sitting around moping that your life is ruined and over.

What you have is "one-ittis" that you've got it in your head that this one woman is the one and only ~ and the best that you can do?

WRONG!

That's just stinkin thinking.

My Dad had a buddy that he wored with. He and the wife along with the kids take off on vaction to Panama City Beach (less than two hours away)

The get back from the beach, he up and off to work bright and early the following Monday morning, he and the wife do normal morning routine, "Kiss~kiss, I love you, see you this afternoon, have a good day at work, what would like for dinner? Yada-yada.

He comes home that afternoon, and there are two sherif's deputies patroal cars siting in the drive. He's about to lose his ever loving mind thinking the worse.

Before he can hardly get out his truck, one of the deputies holds him up, "serves" him with temp papers. The wife has told some judge that he's mentally, emotionally and physically abusive and that she was afraid of him.

They give him thirty minutes to grave his shaving kits, some clothes etc.

He initially moves into a fourth rate motel, eventually gets an apartment furnished with stuff he picked up here and there at yards sales, Goodwill, the Salvation Army. Friends and family help him out here and there ~ "I was thinking about getting a new recliner, why don't you take this one? We've got five TV's already the kids are gone and grown ~ why don't your take this 19"

The divorce goes down, she gets the house, (along with the house payment, get child support, etc.)

Trouble is? She's got FBS ~ Flakey Broad Syndrone and she's out "Cougaring" with anything ten to fifteen years younger than she is? The teenage kids get fed up and would rather live with Dad in a two bedroom Apartment than with Mom. He and the son share a room, and the daughter gets the spare.

The mortgage is with one of the local small town banks ~ you know where your word is as good your signature. One day he gets call from his banker, "Hey John the wife is three months behind on the house payment, and her car payment. We're going to repo the car ~ but we were wondering if you would like to come in and discuss about taking over the house payment ~ we'll be more than glad to work something out with you since you and you family and we go way, way back.

So he and the kids move back into the house. The XHEX car get repoed ~ she's shacked up with some pot smoking, beer guzzling 'toy-boy in a twenty year old rental single wide. He can't hold down a job to save his life.

Meanwhile John hooks up with a gal about eight years younger than he. She's crazy about him, he's crazy about her, and the kids like her as well. She's the type that everyone likes and likes everyone, sharp as a whip, self educated, put herself through college working as a waitress in resturants. Sometimes working two jobs in between semesters. Would put Martha Stweret to shame.

This all went down he was about 42. A couple of years later? Theh XHEX comes crawling back around wanting to get back together?

He asked her, "How old are you, to which she told him "46"

He told her "Naw! Your too damn old for me!

"What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!"

If crying couldn't make her stay? It sure as hell isn't going to bring her back. Crying isn't nothin' more than just wasted water. Not one single tear is worth so much as a penny.

I'm older than most here and have been through the "mud, blood, beer, and horse manure" of it all.

I've done been where most here are now ~ and back! And gone and come back again.

At 53 I'm here to tell you my Friend that you life is most definately not over ~ its just beginning.

Daddy, (That's the term we use down here in the Deep South) told me as young man ~ you can play now and pay for the rest of your life, or you can pay now and play for the rest of your Life!

That's what I did ~ I made some hard up-front investments and now they're paying off in spades ~ nothing but pure gravey off of the gravey train express.

I'm earning more money than I ever have in my life, I'm four to six months to being completely out of debt, (aside from my miscule student loan), car with less than 28lk miles is paid for. In four to six months everything I earn from my low-stress, no stress civilian job goes into and stays in the bank plus some four hundred dollars from my military retirement. I'll be able to meet my living expenses off of my miltary retirement.

I tell you these things not to brag ~ but to tell you that at age 46?

1. You've got time to recover mentally, emotionally, financially, etc.

2. If your having problems sleeping, eating, dealing with the seperation and divorce? Go and see your MD and get on some anti-depresseants and/or anxiety drugs. I should have done so over twenty to thirty years ago ~ but I was career military and things just were not done as such.

I more or less got "forced" to do so, but they've made a world of difference in my concentration, focus, work performance, attention to detail, sleeping better, deeper. As soon as I got on the meds ~ I did a 180 and my bosses attitude toward me did a 180.

Before I got on the meds my anger and temper was about .00001 long.

Now? Hell I don't give a damn if the sun doesn't shine each morning ~ and another side effect? I'm not a lot more coporative, polite, easy going, appreciative.

I told my pyschologist who is working inconjuction with my PCP ~ and what it does? It makes me "balanced" ~ not "One Flew Over the Cockoo's Nest" drugged.

But I'm now not stressed nor worried about anyone nor anything.

And while I'm not a mental health professsional ~ I do KNOW about stress. And stress will and does alter your brain chemistry. What I call "stinking-thinkin'"

And aside from losing a spouse through death? Seperation and divorce can be one of the most stressful things one can go through.

First task is to make an appointment with your MD and discuss what your going through.

He may refer you to see a mental health professional ~ and that's a good thing.

If you don't have health insurance or your health insurance provider doesn't cover such, then seek health through the state, your country health center, universitites, there are all kinds of call centers that can refer you to such at little or no costs.

And then?

There's us here at LS.

(Side bar? I'm a lousy speller ~ and rely on Google ABC spell check ~ which for some reason isn't working ~ I can do chemistry and math ~ even good in English classes ~ just can't spell worth a damn)

July 2, 2010

whewwwwww you ought to be a writer. take all that good old anger and good advise..(very funny and sobering reading) and runnnnnnnn , dont walk to warner publishers. I am not kidding, nor making fun. When i am not so tired i am gonna re-read that thread of yours again. something to snap m out of the reality or unreality of this heartbreak. walking around in a daze. that was like a splash of cold water. but i must add. i think the orginal person who post here..handles themselves VERY well. its only been one year and he is grieving over his wife. and likely still loves her. i commend him!!!!!!!!!!!! and 53 does feel old but its not that old. sheesh i thought you were 101 like me.

July 2, 2010

whewwwwww you ought to be a writer. take all that good old anger and good advise..(very funny and sobering reading) and runnnnnnnn , dont walk to warner publishers. I am not kidding, nor making fun. When i am not so tired i am gonna re-read that thread of yours again. something to snap m out of the reality or unreality of this heartbreak. walking around in a daze. that was like a splash of cold water. but i must add. i think the orginal person who post here..handles themselves VERY well. its only been one year and he is grieving over his wife. and likely still loves her. i commend him!!!!!!!!!!!! and 53 does feel old but its not that old. sheesh i thought you were 101 like me.

I don't believe 53 is "old"

Age is a matter of carrying ~ if you don't care? Its doesn't matter..........

I'm still the same weight proportions I was in HS and in the Marines. I still can run three to six miles a day (and do five times a week ~ the key to not getting shin splints and bad knees is a good pair of running shoes ~ I learned that a long time ago in the Marines ~ and think nothing over dropping a good couple of hundred dollars for such)

46? Phffffff !

In my forties and fifties I've dated women in their twenties and thirties ~ granted they were using me to show them a good time and to spend money on them ~ with zero return on my investment of time, effort, energy and money ~ except it made other women in my age range or younger sit up and take notice.

And when it comes to looks? I would say that I"m worse than some but better than most.

I showed them a good time and had a good time with them ~ and my main objective was to go out and have such. I know most of them were and are looking for men in and about their age that they can marry and have children with.

The trick is understanding that any and all women want to laugh, and have a good time ~ "Girls Just Want To Have Fun"

Case in point? Hugh Hefner ~ he's what 70 or so and is surrounded by HB10's (Hot Bades X 10) Granted he is the editor in chief and publisher of Playboy.

Another case in point is Sean Connery. And he's either 70 or close to it.

July 2, 2010

What goes on with most married men ~ is they become married men. Before it was good times, wine, women and song ~ but after they get married its the old lady, beer, and the TV.

Then the babies start to comes. The wife is too tired and worn out from working, taking care of the house, the children, etc.

Once the babies come the husbands (or at least the decent ones) become engrossed in work and trying to make it up the food chain at work ~ either that are they're sorrier than Hell and don't give a damn. The younger ones come home a plant their dead @zzes in front of the X-box, while the older ones come home and plant their dead @zzes in front of the big screen TV.

Most of them don't even know where the washing machine or drying ~ let alone the dishwasher is.

Romance and making the wife feel special ~ aka ~ "What it took to get her is what it takes to keep her" flies out the window. In the American sit-com "Mad About You" ~ Jamie tells Paul:

"You use to wine and dine me, take me exotic places, take me to really nice restaurants, buy me sweet nothings, send me flowers for no reasons, give me "Just thinking of you and I Love You cards? But now that we're married you don't do any of those things anymore?"

Paul's responds ~ "That's why I got married so I wouldn't have to do any of that anymore?"

July 2, 2010

It use to be that a man had to ask a woman's father's permission to marry his daughter.

Some still do this today ~ apparently out of so-called "respect" toward the Father.

But this wasn't the initial reason. Back in the day, (and We're talking 1960 or so and beyond) The reason was to ensure that the man had learned or apprenticed in a trade, could support not only himself but a wife and family. Had a good and secure job, could provide for the necessities of life (housing, utilities, groceries) wasn't a drunk, a gambler, etc.

Because if not? She would be forced to mover back home and bring more mouths to feed and clothe than when she initially left and got married.

That's why so many during the current "Great Recession" so many are finding out that before getting married ~ a man needs to establish a good credit score (aka FICO score of 700+ or better) have enough in savings equivalent to no less than one years worth of net income (better yet gross income) be completely debt free, have at the bare minimum a good dependable late model running car (and the capacity to provide the same to the DW ~ work, day-care, running errands, doctor's appt's etc)

What is more is that the future husband needs to have in savings enough money to cover major auto repair bills, household repair bills. And enough to cover the COBRA medical premiumns for one year for the entire family,

July 2, 2010

Before gettting married both men and women need to "sow their oats" Men sexually peak around age 18 while women only begin to do so during their mid to late thirties (even their early forties ~ thus so called "cougars"

Women's nerve endings aren't even fully developled in thier pubic region until around age 35.

And despite media to the contrary? Most men suck when it comes to sex. (Ref: "How To Satisfy Your Woman Everytime and have her beg for more................" I'll save you the cost of the book! Slow the **** down! Read the book ~ its a quick and easy read.

I've read a lot of books about sex ~ but this one written by a woman ~ describes sex from a woman's perspective. The author is a little flakey ~ but the one technique (which seriously involves slowing down) beats the Karma Sutra hands down.

July 2, 2010

Its a given that men are expected to so-called "sow their oats" but what men don't get?

Its a woman's prerogative to collect them?

July 2, 2010

If your having marriage problems? You if your a man should read "Light Her Fire" you can get it in paperback off of Amazon for less that $6 or $7.

For her? Get a copy of "Light His Fire"

If you've got kids? You both need to read "How To Light A Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy"

Basicially what it took to get her is what it takes to keep her, and vice versa.

You've got to date your mate. Beg the children off on the grandparents, the sisters, the in-laws and about every three months take off just the two of you every three or four months or so. Go to the beach, a B&B in the mountains or at the beach.

Have a date nite once a week.

Do the same for them.

Get rid of the insanity ~ the first thirty minutes of each day? Its just you and him!

The first thirty minuntes of getting home from work? It just you and her! No TV, no radio, no children interupting, no checking the mail, checking the bills, reading the newspaper.

If your both working ~ like most are. Break it down. How much are you bringing in ~ how much is she bringing in.

It usually works out to be a 60/40 % split.

Add up the total houshold bills. The rent the garbage collection, the cable bills, the utilities. Yada ~ Yada.

We're talking household expenses here.

The split is if she wants a Cato credit card, a JC Penny Card, and you a Sears card for your Craftsman tools, etc ~ that's on you. Her car payment is hers and yours is yours.

Most often than not? It works out to a 60/40 per cent split ~ perhaps even a 75/25 % split where the husband ends up paying more than the wife.

BUT! It gives her control over her part of the money than she earns!

Its damned expensive being a woman!

Your typical man has six things in his bathroom?

A razor

Shaving cream

A towel

Soap

Shampoo

A toothbrush

And toothpaste.

Your typical woman has about 300+ things in her bathrooom, of which your typical man can only identify 20 of such?

July 2, 2010

Surfer....sounds like you're trying very hard to get to a good place. I wish you well. It helps me to remember that there are many of us sharing a similar journey. Drop a line if you need to vent.

July 3, 2010

We share a similar story...eerily similar. My marriage, 17 years. Love, but not in love, had a sexual affair, confessed then 'needed space' and moved out at my insistence. Life was truly horrible. She left me behind, our two teens and our adorable black lab. She was my heartbeat; my true love.

Or so I thought.

Duke, if she's saying these things, it's possible that she never truly loved you. Yes, seventeen years is a long time, but people can idle for extended periods. I bet now that the smoke has cleared somewhat you are starting to pinpoint exactly when the bloom started to fall. Love -true love- is nothing like the soapy romances Hollywood constructs to sell tickets. Like many things in the media, much effort goes into making it overly dramatic. I wonder if they know how many fall for the fairytale. My ex-wife did.

Things are will change because reality does return. I'm not a betting man but I'd wager at some point she's going to come back around. It may take years, but the ties to her family are stronger than she thinks. Know that, OK? Because you're going to be faced with some tough decisions. I've heard women don't leave good men but that isn't the whole story. It takes a truly good woman to appreciate a truly good man. Flip for accuracy.

I'm two years out, and can offer you many perspectives. If you want, elaborate on what's troubling you most and I (and probably others) can comment better. Did she have an affair? Is she in another relationship? These things matter because certain, specific areas of your heart and mind will need to be strengthened if she cheated or has moved to another man.

When in doubt, do what's best for the kids. They are lucky to have you. I can also say, regardless of what she's done or what you currently think, the pain, fear and emptiness will lessen. Everyone's timetable is different.

To close, I'll leave you with a quote I saw here on LS:

"We must live the life we have, not the one we planned."

Take care. Eat, sleep and exercise-

July 7, 2010

just read this . yes i know all about this. you wouldnt believe how old i am. i go back to the 60's and 70's and i wasn't born then. just wish i didnt get a broken heart at this age. i DO thinks it's harder to repair and i have some unique circumstances. anyway good to know we are of all ages on here. i just need to learn how to survive this now. so darn heartbroken..my heart aches and has physcial pain and sick to my stomach over a month now...and i hate drs. and wont go..for darn good reason there too.

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