bhobel123 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 My girlfriend got a job in Seattle about a month ago. She moved! Before she moved I was pretty distant and confused about what was going on in my life. I wanted to give her more, but was confused with career, financial, etc. I became pretty distant. I was trying a career in paramedic/firefighting but did not know if it was for me. But we were still loving each other, being physical, etc. When she got the job, we had the discussion of going to do our own thing for awhile. I was confused, she was confused, and regardless she had gotten the job in Seattle and was going. About two weeks before she left i was having all these feelings, but did not want to make it hard on her. The week before she left, we spent a lot of time together, and I was supporting her through the move. The night before she left I had a going away party for her, and after everyone left we hugged and kissed and slept together and told each other we loved each other and were really going to miss each other. Same thing happend the next day. I know i was distant, and it sucks it happend, but this situation has made me really REALIZE that she is the person for me! I am past the lonely, i miss her stage. this is for real! When she left, I felt it. She was gone, it was real. I started really expressing it to her. I want to be with her and be moving with her etc. She expressed it back, but at the same time she was feeling what we agreed on. When she got to Seattle we had the discussion again. and she told me what she wanted and that was to see me get my "plans" together. I told her i regret the decisions and being distant, and she feels as if i "took her for granted". Which in many cases I did and I understand my mistake... Now I want to make the move and be there with her living a life with her. She has not said no to this. but she does have her guard up. Since she has been gone, we have stayed in communication. She has not cut me off. I did push a little at the beginning, but she was under a lot of stress and did not want to discuss any relationship talk. I understand she is starting a new life, new job etc. We have exchanged I love you, I miss you, her brother has told me she has called me her boyfriend. But at the same time she is pretty distant and has that wall up. I know she does not want to get hurt again and is hesitant towards any future with me. as she should be. But she does respond to text, gchat and phone calls. I am making most of the contact, but we were never big phone talkers anyway. And I believe I am going to be the one that has to work hard for this and she knows this. She is hurt and has to rebuild any trust. I took security from her, but I know where I went wrong, i know actions speak louder then words. and I have not been begging or anything. The first two weeks i explained and expressed to her, but not begging! But this has been a kick in the BUTT!!! i have figured out what i want to do, and it can all work out there in Seattle. I am going to love the city and the area! and she knows all of this! So here is the think I am going there on a visit next week for four days. I am visiting two grad schools. I am also taking her out one night to Cirque Du Soleil and to dinner and then we are going camping for two nights. She has not expressed that she really wants to see me or anything, but I do not think she is going to give me that right now. But we did exchange "I am looking forward to the visit" I am staying with her. and we will be camping together. My question is, would she be letting this visit happen if there was not anything there? Has she moved on? Is she moving on? Or is she giving me an opportunity to show her I am serious and want to be there with her and create a future together? I am doing this for myself and for her! How do I approach this visit with her?
Calendula Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 My question is, would she be letting this visit happen if there was not anything there? Has she moved on? Is she moving on? Or is she giving me an opportunity to show her I am serious and want to be there with her and create a future together? I am doing this for myself and for her! How do I approach this visit with her? I skimmed your recent posts, and it appears that you are repeating a common theme. You are asking the same questions over and over, stressing about the same issues, and dwelling on what you think you lost with this girl. It seems that you are spending so much time dwelling on the past that you aren't paying attention to you own future and what you need to be working on for you. "Time to work on ourselves" implies time alone, outside of a relationship. Her moving away from you was her physically telling you that she needed space and she wanted something different than what you could offer her. Even if you follow her, if you spend all your time and energy focused on 'winning her back' you are just going to push her away further because she will see you as needy. The fact that she told you that you need to 'get your s**t together tells me that she is trying to find some direction in her life and that you are spending most of your time drifting or hanging on to her. If you are hanging on her coat tails, and move just to be with her, then you will continue holding her back and she will continue to rebel against you and push you away. It sounds like things have been civil so far, but if you cling too tightly, things might get ugly. Sure, she still communicates with you, but are you certain that she isn't just being polite and trying not to hurt you in the only way she knows how? Does she say 'I love you' only after you say it first? Does she take her time responding to your calls or texts? What is the pretext for the visit and did she invite you without prompting or did you hint at wanting to come see her? The answers to these sort of questions are the ones that will help you figure out if she is moving on, but from what you've described it sounds like she is. I think this becuase you say she is 'building a new life for herself', in your absence, with a 'wall up' towards you. When you do go see her, if you still go, take it easy on the 'trying to win her back' front. She might still love you on some level and she might care about you, but you can't really know how much she has changed in this short period of time, and the person you think you know may be someone new. Play your cards slowly and carefully and make sure that you are actually reading her signals for what they are and what they tell you. MAKE SURE that you're not just seeing what you want to see and what you are hoping for. Don't blind yourself to facts or truths because they don't agree with your desires. If you do, then you will destroy all hope of ever being with her again and you will push her away from you to the point of never getting her back. Before you go, I think it might also help you to accept, and I mean really acknowledge and accept, that things with her might be completely over, or quickly headed that way. Accept the worst possible scenario and come to terms with it (like accepting that some day your parents will die). Perhaps the outcome will be better (like your parents will die many years from now instead of next week), but if you find a way to accept the worst before it happens, than any other outcome will be a positive one. Don't go with your hopes up so high that any kick down from the ideal devestates you and makes you even more hurt and broken. I wish you the best of luck, but whatever you do, you have to find a way to move forward with your life and stop dwelling on the past. If she is truly gone, let her go. The longer you hold on to what was, the longer you will delay your ability to find what could be, both for yourself and for your future relationships. Accept life as it is and move on. If you want something different, go find it and work to keep it, but always remember that you can't make anyone other than yourself change.
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