Chapman Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 (edited) Hi people, Just wanted to get this off my chest, because it's beginning to become a dead weight on my shoulders and it's eating me alive from the inside. I'm from the UK, where I live now, but as a teenager, I lived in France, where all this began. Basically, I've been going out with this girl for 2 and a half years, she went to my college in France. It started off slowly, we decided to get to know each other bit by bit, and eventually one thing led to another, and as we grew closer, we fell in love and have never fallen out of it since, plus I get along brilliantly with her family. A year and a half into our relationship, I left France to return to the UK for university, and obviously we had to decide whether the distance was going to prove a difficult obstacle or if we could carry on seeing each other regardless, given that I would go back from time to time and she would visit me sometimes. We decided to carry on, and so far, despite various ups and downs, it's showing no signs of ending, plus I will be going back to France in August for the next three years. What I haven't told you is that, thanks to some awful drunken decision making about a year into our relationship, I cheated on her a few times, which made for some extremely guilt-ridden hangovers and lots of horrible, consuming secrets, because I know her well enough to understand that she would finish with me if she found out, and on one hand, I wouldn't blame her, but on the other hand, I can't imagine my life without her, I suppose it's pretty selfish, but despite what I did, I love her without a doubt. I remind myself that all this was over a year and a half ago, and I feel I have grown up and changed a lot since then, and that sort of behaviour is way behind me. Lies get bigger and bigger. And they begin to eat you from the inside. I wish I could be honest, it's what a loving person should do, and I know it, but I'm scared of losing her forever. I think that everyone else knows as well, including lots of her friends, who don't have the heart to tell her either, and I get the impression I have angered a lot of people recently, for something that happened a long time ago. I only wish I could prove to people that I am a changed man. Hopefully someone will have some advice or a similar experience under their belt, I'm all ears! Edited June 30, 2010 by Chapman
robdrm32 Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Thats tough and atleast you have the conscience to struggle with it unlike other people. What i would say is you have to tell her, for a few reasons: 1. Wouldn't you want to know? 2. Other people that know might tell her. 3. Its the right thing to do. 4. If she finds out from you, i'd say you still have a CHANCE at staying together. From someone else? almost no chance. So you could go through your lives, get married and it will never be an issue and you could be faithful from here on out, but what if one of her friends that knows decides to tell her after you propose? after you marry? you will have potentially wasted yours and her time. I know its not easy to tell her but its the only option you have because you already put your relationship with her at risk by doing what you did. Fessing up to it is the best way to try to salvage it IMO. Otherwise your just moving forward on the hope that she never finds out and from what i've seen, most people find out eventually one way or another. Good luck
Hop_prophet Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I have to call BS on this. What consequences did you face to ensure that you will not do this again? You didn't face any consequences, you got away with it and now another person will unknowingly face the consequences of your selfishness. You have shown what you are capable of and just because the situation is far removed does not mean you 'learned' anything. My guess is that when the chips are down and similar circumstances present themselves you will fall right back into it. What is different about you now that you would cause you to resist temptation? If you were really remorseful you would tell her and let her make her own decision. You said it yourself the reason you refuse to tell is pure selfishness in that you don't want to lose her. You deserve to lose her IMO.
Author Chapman Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 Thanks to you both for your input. In response to Robdrm, you're right about confessing being the only sure way to salvage anything from an already messed up situation, but I doubt she would want to forgive me, which is fair enough. I admit, I would want to know if it was the other way round, but after a year and a half, with her none the wiser, and a steady relationship which has seen no infidelity since, I've got a little voice in the back of my mind telling me that she's better off not knowing, although it's risky, given she'll probably find out anyway, before or after a split, and it's also the easy option, which will do nothing to appease my conscience. And to Hop_prophet, you're not wrong. I am selfish, I have denied her the same choice I allowed myself to make, albeit the wrong one. I am however remorseful. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be bothering asking other people for advice. I may not have learnt the ultimate lesson through keeping it from her, but I'd say living with guilt and regret every living day since it happened is a pretty big price to pay. I know I wouldn't do it again, because keeping this locked up has pretty much destroyed any self-respect I previously had and made me realize I was a bad person, which is ultimately why I have made an effort to change. But you are right, if this was anyone else, I would say they deserved to lose their SO. But this isn't someone else, it's me. Which makes it a pretty tough call.
robdrm32 Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 What if a few months from now you two are having a conversation and she asks if you ever cheated on her. Are you going to lie to her again? To me your lying to her every day when she is left thinking you are who you aren't
Author Chapman Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 You're right, as much as it pains me to say it. I know what I have to do.. It's just biting the bullet which is difficult. Not only that, but she's currently sorting out a visit to the UK.
Author Chapman Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 Ok - so I just called her and explained everything. She asked a lot of questions, crying, and then hung up on me. Confessing was the right thing to do.
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