LDR versus Real Life =Two very different and distinct relationships.

[Spiritofnow]

What I am going to outline here isn't ground-breaking or earth shattering realisations, but I am sure they are realisations that all if not most people in LDR's have come to.

 

I think the reason I am moved to start a thread on it is due to a few things: 1. I am realising the differences between the LD part of my relationship and my RL relationship in very fundamental ways, and 2. I hope these kinds of threads give the people who come on here much like I did; looking for common insight and revelations about LDR's.

 

Sometimes it does feel like I am actually involved in two separate yet interconnected relationships. I think the tensions that those dynamics cause in a relationship can be make or break situations if you are not open to being a good communicator or as honest as you can be - it's very hard to hide anything when you add distance to the equation.

 

I said this to my SO in an email when we were discussing the frequency of our communication...

 

"I constantly have to be mindful that how I feel when I am away from you isn't necessarily how I feel when we are together, but being apart is how we spend the majority of our time in this relationship, so it is important to take care of those needs while we are apart in order to ensure that we are successful in securing a future together."

 

It would have helped me immensely if I had known that the dichotomy concerning the differences we face while conducting a LD relationship, and that they could be REAL issues within the dynamics of your overall relationship.

 

I realise that I have to take care of two separate relationships in terms of 'dynamics', and sometimes I have to realise that how I feel when we are apart is separate from how I feel when we are together. The distance can highlight the differences two people have in a LD relationship, which may not necessarily exist when they are NOT separated by distance--it is that particular issue that has caused me the most concern, because not having so much time together can make it more difficult to find out those truths/ feelings.

 

What I do know is that this bloody LDR does give me the greatest opportunity to get to know my SO on a level that I feel some RL relationships don't get to experience. It forces you to be totally honest and truthful about your expectations and ways of conducting yourself while you are apart.

 

I am grateful that this dynamic has enabled me to get to 'know' my partner on a much deeper level. I like learning about him and the distance kind of focuses you on 'knowing' more, so that you are not constantly guessing or assuming what their behaviours may mean.

 

I am also fortunate that I have a partner who is willing to discuss these things and work through them with me as a team.

 

I guess my overall conclusion is that, yes, I do accept that while I am in the LDR part of our relationship that I have different expectations to those that I have when we are 'together, but it is also important that both parties do not allow the LDR issues (as much as they are happy and comfortable too) to cloud the bigger picture.

 

It's all about a delicate balance ; )

Edited June 30, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[aerogurl87]

I agree, when I'm with my SO in person and when we are apart are two different things. When we're together things are much more easier, especially since I can express how I feel with body cues and he can do the same. But when we're apart I have to tell him how I feel most of the time. The upside to that is now I've learned to learn what the different inflections in his voice mean (ex. how to tell when he's annoyed, pissed off, happy, etc) and I get to know him better on a deeper level as you mentioned. But at the same time it's not the same as being there face to face with him and sometimes unfortunately that brings out some of my insecurities. The key is figuring out if those are insecurities about the relationship in general or just the distance screwing with my mind. And so far I've found most of it to be just the distance and the frustration it creates on keeping us so far apart physically.

[Spiritofnow]

I agree with all your comments, especially the part where you describe being able to pick out the inclination in his voice - me too --for my boyfriend not yours ha ha ha. I can even tell what position he is sitting in or where he is sitting in his house. I guess, when some of our senses are deprived our body just compensates for that - perhaps, we are the next generation of mutant superheroes who have finely tuned auditory skills. Hmmmmm. what would they call us???

 

LONG DISTANCE BULL**** RADAR DETECTORS?

 

Slogan: it's a bird (with a very low cry which highlights that it is coming in to the mating season), it's a plane (with a passenger on board who sounds like they are p8ssed off with the person next to them for hogging the arm rest) no it's Long Distance Bull**** Radar Detector -- shut your gob (translation is mouth - Brit slang).

[carvidep]

I agree with all your comments, especially the part where you describe being able to pick out the inclination in his voice - me too --for my boyfriend not yours ha ha ha. I can even tell what position he is sitting in or where he is sitting in his house. I guess, when some of our senses are deprived our body just compensates for that - perhaps, we are the next generation of mutant superheroes who have finely tuned auditory skills. Hmmmmm. what would they call us???

 

LONG DISTANCE BULL**** RADAR DETECTORS?

 

Slogan: it's a bird (with a very low cry which highlights that it is coming in to the mating season), it's a plane (with a passenger on board who sounds like they are p8ssed off with the person next to them for hogging the arm rest) no it's Long Distance Bull**** Radar Detector -- shut your gob (translation is mouth - Brit slang).

 

hahaha!! I love it! LDBSRD's unite!!

 

ps I also agree with the whole "two different relationships in one" thing. I think that's part of the reason why it's so hard to adjust to going back to LD after visits, because IR feels soooooo much better. But compared to a lot of IR couples, we tend to have much deeper connections with our partners.

[aerogurl87]

I agree with all your comments, especially the part where you describe being able to pick out the inclination in his voice - me too --for my boyfriend not yours ha ha ha. I can even tell what position he is sitting in or where he is sitting in his house. I guess, when some of our senses are deprived our body just compensates for that - perhaps, we are the next generation of mutant superheroes who have finely tuned auditory skills. Hmmmmm. what would they call us???

 

LONG DISTANCE BULL**** RADAR DETECTORS?

 

Slogan: it's a bird (with a very low cry which highlights that it is coming in to the mating season), it's a plane (with a passenger on board who sounds like they are p8ssed off with the person next to them for hogging the arm rest) no it's Long Distance Bull**** Radar Detector -- shut your gob (translation is mouth - Brit slang).

 

Lol, that just gave me the laugh I needed for the day. LDBSRD is right though, it's gotten to the point where I can tell based on how he texts how his mood is, haha. But in the end I look at it this way, when we get to be together for good our relationship will be built on more than just the physical and we'll be much more in tune with one another than most people are.

[nemi26]

as well as learning about each other more, its also good for actually been able to enjoy been with them and wanting to be there, i know i was in a relationship were we spent all of our time together, it was rubbish because i never looked forward to seeing him and i didnt enjoy spending time with him, when he was with me, i just wanted him to go home.

but in a ldr, you cherish time your with someone and make the most of it, right?