bunnixkisses Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I'm having huge issues..and don't know where to turn. I have assessed my realtionship, so comments saying "you should leave him.." etc. are not necessary. My situation is one of those, heart says leave..but feet wont move type of deals. I just need to know if anyone else deals with this..or how to cope..or an "outside of the box" point of view. Am I crazy? Or is my theory right? I believe I'm dating a narsassist. Me and (we will call him Joe) have been dating for close to a year. The relationship has been...different. For lack of better words. We are usually okay..but we get into these ruts..and the only way to get out is to break up and go back out. Let me explain. Joe, is very selfish, concieted, non emotional and CONFUSING. Joe is very dominant and demanding, but it is usually smoothly countered with my submissiveness. However, we do bump heads. Joe has no emotion when it comes to our relationship. From the get go, he has had this pre meditated assumption that our relationship wont work, which i think is why..it doesnt. He is very negative about our relationship and believes we are "always" fighting and he is "always" unhappy. Which is untrue. The fights are the worst part. For instance, our fight tonight. He left to go out of town for business for the first time (brand new job), prior to leaving he was very sweety and lovey dovey, saying he was going to miss me and all kinds of great stuff The day went fine, but when he called me this evening, poo hit the fan! My parents both have a very negative outlook on life, which rubbed off on me and Joe HATES that about me. I try not to act like that, but it was a learned behavior. I was talking about my frustrations about a life issue, and he accused me of being negative and his auora instantly changed. Instead of being lovey and talkative, He was short, unloving etc. When I addressed his behavior, it's like he got offended. He will get defensive and say "I'm not doing anything, I'm just sick of your negativity" and being the problem solver, I always try to "talk" it out, which Joe hates even worse. There are times I will admite, I am overly negative about situations..but there are other times when I am only confiding in him about something that is bothering me (which i thought was normal in relationships ? ) After my blabbering of trying to fix our fight, he gets irate and tells me to shut up and drop it, he doesn't care and there is always a reason he does not want to talk to me at that point (it's late, he's busy, etc.). Because I am a female, I cry and freak out because he's now angry and doesnt want to even talk to me, and I don't really understand why trying to talk out our issues has upset him so much. The crying sets him off and he either hangs up on me, and yells at me more to shut up and stop acting like a "baby". The fight is usually concluded by me "shutting up" and we are both annoyed with each other..which usually lasts for days. This becomes our rut. i have no solution for my issues with the relationship because he refuses to talk about them..so I continue to be annoyed with him for being so selfish. He says I talk about it so much that it's annoying, when I bring it up so much...because he never communicates back with me to resolve the issue. He is annoyed with me, because of the last episode and that I'm not "letting it go". The only way to get out of this rut, is if i break up with him, or make him think i'm cheating on him...which than makes him the sweetest man on the planet again. This is our ritual. I am trying to find a resolution so we do not need to do the break up crap, and we can just solve our issues right than and there. I believe that his narcisissm makes him very offended that I am accusing him of doing something wrong, when I'm just trying to make him realize he hurts me. Does anyone know how to address a narcissist to make them understand their behavior? Or what they would do in the above situation? I don't want to be so submissive and allow my problems to build up in side, but I'm scared ****less of confronting him with my issues. I'm sick of making him think I don't like him...for him to like me? Am I just SOL?
gypsy_nicky Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 if he is a true narcissist then I'd advise you to run very fast>>>> away from him. Leave him. He will bleed your life dry, emotionally, and psychologically.
newdawn Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Maybe try some counceling just for you and see where it goes. I think everyone can benefit from counceling, I have, and I may go again. We all have life issues to work on, but you can't change anyone else. Best to you, I hope you can work through it.
deux ex machina Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 (edited) bunnixkisses, the following quote is from this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t218490/?highlight=narcissist Lots of interesting perspectives. If he is a true narcissist, my take on having a relationship with one is below (keep in mind I'm referring to a person who has NPD...but much of it applies to a true, destructive narcissist): Spot on. They are interpersonally exploitive - people are no more than action figures, to be used as reflective surfaces, props, pawns, supply, ect. To be degraded and devalued, or (rarely, in "reflective surfaces") not - as circumstances demand. They are aggressive ("under threat") - once you get a taste of narcissistic rage, you will never forget it. Mainly, they are covertly aggressive - by far that is how it manifests. It is very, very subtle. It takes a highly perceptive person to recognize it for what it is, and this is why a person with NPD will definitely consider a perceptive person as a threat...even if they don't know exactly why they feel that way. The lack of insight and empathy, endless search for supply, and exploitative/covertly aggressive traits of an N tend to leave a high body count behind. They have a disorder. Thus a distorted view of the world, which one must share. If you don't subscribe to their POV (which one will not, because it is a distortion), and value truth, life with a person with NPD will be an endless slide in a bottomless pit. You never, ever want to have a relationship with a person who has NPD. I realize it's a very strong opinion, and not the one you want to hear. Yet it's the only one I know how to have about the subject -- I came by it the hard way. It doesn't matter how perfectly you dance; it really doesn't. The tune will keep changing on you. Edited June 30, 2010 by deux ex machina
theBrokenMuse Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 If you have a partner with NPD you do not cope, you leave before they suck every ounce of life from you. They are incapable of giving or deeply caring about another. He will never see you as anything more than a pawn or a nuisance depending on the situation - those are the only two roles you will ever have in his life. Don't allow yourself to be used, find someone capable of loving you back.
theBrokenMuse Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Does anyone know how to address a narcissist to make them understand their behavior? If you find out, write up a paper because even the professionals can't figure that one out.
Woggle Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 You will never change him so either accept him the way he is or leave. It is as simple as that.
gamma1 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 This is our ritual. I am trying to find a resolution so we do not need to do the break up crap, and we can just solve our issues right than and there. I believe that his narcisissm makes him very offended that I am accusing him of doing something wrong, when I'm just trying to make him realize he hurts me. Does anyone know how to address a narcissist to make them understand their behavior? Or what they would do in the above situation? I don't want to be so submissive and allow my problems to build up in side, but I'm scared ****less of confronting him with my issues. I'm sick of making him think I don't like him...for him to like me? Am I just SOL? He will probably get worse with time. There's mental abuse now. There is a high risk of even more severe mental abuse and physical abuse if you stay with him. The longer you stay, the worse it will likely get. His niceness to get you back is fake. The "break up crap" will be far easier than the "staying in a scary and abusive relationship crap", especially over the long run. I can be sure you've broken up with exes and declined dates in the past. Think back to what has worked best and use it. I'd also see a counselor to help you through this and to help you choose someone better next time.
freestyle Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 the abuse only gets worse, the longer you stay. There's a site called "It's All About Him"---I'd like to recommend that you visit and do some reading.(lotsa great articles, and a support forum) It might help you to communicate with others who've been in the trenches. There are studies finding that prolonged exposure to narcissistic abuse can actually alter a person's brain chemistry--too much stress can also cause PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). It can be a long road to healing. Please, please--educate yourself some more on this topic, and decide whether or not you really want that brand of toxicity in your life.
freestyle Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 By the way, by shutting you down when you try to talk things out (stonewalling)--he's training you to be compliant. N's don't see their partners as feeling, sentient, beings---you're more like a cardboard cutout ( an accessory) who's expected to follow the script. If you get your lines wrong, (i.e. show that you have thoughts and feeling of your own)--there will be hell to pay. A relationship with an N can work--if you're willing to be a Stepford Wife.
gypsy_nicky Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 bunnixkisses, the following quote is from this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t218490/?highlight=narcissist Lots of interesting perspectives. If he is a true narcissist, my take on having a relationship with one is below (keep in mind I'm referring to a person who has NPD...but much of it applies to a true, destructive narcissist): I realize it's a very strong opinion, and not the one you want to hear. Yet it's the only one I know how to have about the subject -- I came by it the hard way. It doesn't matter how perfectly you dance; it really doesn't. The tune will keep changing on you. deux you mentioned in the quote that they see perspective people as threatening. So what do they exactly do to people who have deep perception skills? Do they leave them alone or try to dominate them even worse than normal people?
hopesndreams Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Joe, is very selfish, concieted, non emotional and CONFUSING. Why are you dating him? He is very negative about our relationship and believes we are "always" fighting and he is "always" unhappy. He needs to find happiness within himself and not look toward others to give him that happiness. The same applies to you and to anyone else reading this. The fight is usually concluded by me "shutting up" and we are both annoyed with each other..which usually lasts for days. You are dating someone that can't/won't communicate. What is the appeal of that? The only way to get out of this rut, is if i break up with him, or make him think i'm cheating on him...which than makes him the sweetest man on the planet again. Immaturity on both your parts. Your bf is showing himself to be who he really is. You know what he is capable of. You know how he feels. Narcissists don't do that. They will always put themselves in the best possible light, keep you guessing and make you feel something is wrong with you when things don't go their way. After all, they can do no wrong. They are users and when you no longer serve a purpose, you will be discarded. In conclusion, yeah, he has some narcissistic tendencies, we all do, but mostly, he is just not emotionally mature enough for a relationship.
make me believe Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Narcassist? :rolleyes: Give me a break!! Is that the newest pop psych word for abusive ass??? Your relationship is never going to change. You've shown your boyfriend that he can treat you like this and you will keep coming back for more. So why would you suddenly expect him to wake up and start treating you nicely? He isn't a nice person. He doesn't give a sh*t about you. Hopefully your next breakup will be permanent.
USMCHokie Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I'm having huge issues..and don't know where to turn. I have assessed my realtionship, so comments saying "you should leave him.." etc. are not necessary. My situation is one of those, heart says leave..but feet wont move type of deals. I just need to know if anyone else deals with this..or how to cope..or an "outside of the box" point of view. Am I crazy? Or is my theory right? Seriously...? So did you come here hoping to hear from us that your boyfriend is still a great guy and you should stick it out with him...? I'd go see a therapist and figure out why you're so willing to deal with this. This isn't about trying to fix him (he's a lost cause), it's about trying to fix you...
2sure Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I can tell you from experience that if you stay with this man long enough , his behavior and more - your acceptance of it , will tarnish and invade every relationship you have for the rest of your life.
O'Malley Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I have assessed my realtionship, so comments saying "you should leave him.." etc. are not necessary. What do you believe is necessary for real improvement in your life? Only a mental health professional can make a legitimate determination if he's a narcissist. He clearly is a hostile, manipulative, abusive a**. He's not a car or a house -- you can't fix parts of him or rebuild him from scratch. Even worse is the thought of this individual becoming a parent... This is our ritual. I am trying to find a resolution so we do not need to do the break up crap, and we can just solve our issues right than and there. You don't need this man to live; you just choose to believe that you do and invest in his behavior -- which is an integral part of your ritual.
Mimolicious Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 (edited) I truly got lost when "Narcissistic" was spelled in like 5 different ways. Anyway... My situation is one of those, heart says leave..but feet wont move type of deals. Isn't usually "my heart tells me to stay yet my mind knows it is wrong?!" Why would you be in a relationship that your heart is not into it and neither is your mind? (If you really thing about it, this makes little sense). My parents both have a very negative outlook on life, which rubbed off on me and Joe HATES that about me. I try not to act like that, but it was a learned behavior. I was talking about my frustrations about a life issue, and he accused me of being negative and his auora instantly changed. Instead of being lovey and talkative, He was short, unloving etc. When I addressed his behavior, it's like he got offended. Then you also have a problem. This is not just Joe having NPD. Is there anything that you guys LOVE about each other? I mean, if I had someone that brought out the negative in situations, my aura would be changing too. You said that he was all chirpy about his trip (as he should be given the fact that it is a new job) then you brign up a negative subject (was this the right time to bring up this life issue?), then you expect him to act lovely? Sounds like you are partly killing the mood here. You are attracting what you are putting out, sweetpea. I have no solution for my issues with the relationship because he refuses to talk about them.. Yes you do. You just don't want to take the most logical approach and accept the fact that Joe is Joe and most likely suffers from NPD. You know is not going to work and he knows is not going to work, so who are we kidding here? The only way to get out of this rut, is if i break up with him, or make him think i'm cheating on him...which than makes him the sweetest man on the planet again. This is supposed to be a R? Seek help and don't play any games with someone that has the personality traits that you are claiming he has. He can turn into a walking ticking bomb. I am trying to find a resolution so we do not need to do the break up crap, and we can just solve our issues right than and there. Right then and there? Let's be realistic here... Joe is not going to change and less likely overnight. I am not sure what it is that at this point you want out of this R and where do you see yourself with Joe in 6 months from now. You said your parents downloaded this negative mentality in you, maybe being in such a negative R is all you know. Help yourself at this point, go see a therapist. Let Joe deal with his own demons... Edited June 30, 2010 by Mimolicious
deux ex machina Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 (edited) deux you mentioned in the quote that they see perspective people as threatening. So what do they exactly do to people who have deep perception skills? Do they leave them alone or try to dominate them even worse than normal people? That's a tough one. It's such a case-by-case thing. There are such a wide range of factors to consider, it's impossible to guess. Disorder or not, everyone has different temperaments, experiences, circumstances, ect. The only thing I can say is if they believe you can see through them, they won't feel good about it. ---------- ...This becomes our rut. i have no solution for my issues with the relationship because he refuses to talk about them..so I continue to be annoyed with him for being so selfish. He says I talk about it so much that it's annoying, when I bring it up so much...because he never communicates back with me to resolve the issue. He is annoyed with me, because of the last episode and that I'm not "letting it go". The only way to get out of this rut, is if i break up with him, or make him think i'm cheating on him...which than makes him the sweetest man on the planet again... bunnixkisses, when you do this, it must feel horrible. In trying to hang on, you're giving away pieces of your self-respect and moving the goalposts further outward as far as your boundaries go, each time. You have to know that. I hope you can see the bigger picture. Edited June 30, 2010 by deux ex machina
JoJola Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I was married to this man u describe...first it was like you portray howevver as time went on it became very abusive. Emotionally, Physically, Spiritually...all of the above.. We dated two years; married five; divorced five...yet he still is the same. They dont change. Get out and Get Help! You deserve more than this man will ever be able to offer you.
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