From BS to fOW

June 30, 2010

I'm new here so I forgive me for such a long post. I have seen several people ask if you can survive an A and how long it takes. So here is my story.

This is the 2nd M for me and my H. We brought children to the M and then had 2 of our own. We have been together for 16 years. Within 2 years of our M my H had an A. My world crashed when I found out and I found out he didn't confess. I just had a gut feeling and all it took was checking phone records 1 time and I knew. I called the OW and she was very honest with me. She told me if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. He isn't happy with you. Wow I hated her, but you know she was right at the time.

We decided to work on our M. It wasn't easy because I was truly broken when I found out and I made his life a living ****. I checked his phone records, email accounts, if he wasn't with me he had to call and check in, I even made him give me all his passwords. Yes I was a real B. Counseling didn't help me deal with the hurt very well or the trust issue. This went on for a long time. It's a wonder he stayed with me because I was miserable and I made him that way. Things finally got better and I could trust him somewhat again. Sometime in those bad days he started loving me more than I did him. He didn't act the same around other women or in general. (you know he didn't flirt in public, he wouldn't hang up the phone when I walked in the room, or if I asked who it was he told me instead of saying oh just so and so, he wouldn't stay up late at night, and he actually bragged about his family and wife). I missed when that happened because I was too hurt and had my guard up just in case. I was busy making a life revolving around our children not him and yes I started loving him less. I regret that.

So now to fast forward 10 years, deep down I stayed hurt you never forget right. Our oldest child got married and right before he followed in my H footsteps. My H jumped him and told him how wrong cheating was. I thought that was the most offensive thing he had ever said because he had done it and it brought back so many emotions. Well I had a friend at work who was also M and out of anger, hurt, humiliation, whatever I turned to him and he was all to eager to show me the attention I felt my H hadn't for all those years. We connected on such an emotional level that I felt like a teenager again. Long story short when it came right down to it the quilt ate me alive and less than a week after our first alone time I confessed to my H. He was shocked to say the least. I then ended the A with NC and changed jobs. It wasn't long after that his W found out but I wasn't the only one. I don't know what is happening in their M and I really don't care. I know that sounds cold but from what I understand there were at least 3 other women on the side. I still feel bad for his W because I hurt her as well. I never spoke with her but if she had called I would have told her the truth which also probably sounds cold but I see it that if she cared enough to find out both sides then she deserved the truth. I can't tell anyone on here to call the OW or OM but you won't know if you have the real truth until you hear both sides. I did and that's how I knew my H was being totally honest. If he hadn't been I prob would have left.

So back to me and my H we are still working on our marriage and I wish I had worked harder when it happened and let go of his mistake. He grew up in that time and I didn't.

I'm finally sharing my story because so many of you ask can you make it through it and how do you. So from experience Yes you can but you have to let go and move on. No you won't ever forget but you can't hold 1 mistake against your partner forever or one day you may find yourself in their shoes. Don't fool yourself into thinking your not that type of person, I did and I have to live with the quilt of what I did for the rest of my life and yes it bothers me every day. I go to church and have a very strong faith, so I'm dealing with that too. I wish I could go back and change it but I can't. I hurt my H and it doesn't matter what he did he didn't deserve that. He really loves me and I'm thankful that he did forgive me.

We work on our marriage everyday and it is both of us. If you decided to stay then really commit to each other. Tell your H or W how you feel and be honest good or bad. Take the time to do little things like you did when you were first dating and make time for yourselves. This is a healing process and it is different for everyone but you both must be committed and not just acting. Both of you must disclose everything, no hidden phones, emails or friends. You will be able to tell if your spouse is really working on it or just trying to put out the flames until they can go back to their old ways. Follow your gut instinct which you probably had when the A was going on.

You can forgive once but for those who have spouses that have done it numerous times, work on yourself, build up your self worth and get out. Believe me you are worthy of better and you deserve to be happy.

June 30, 2010

I'm new here so I forgive me for such a long post. I have seen several people ask if you can survive an A and how long it takes. So here is my story.

This is the 2nd M for me and my H. We brought children to the M and then had 2 of our own. We have been together for 16 years. Within 2 years of our M my H had an A. My world crashed when I found out and I found out he didn't confess. I just had a gut feeling and all it took was checking phone records 1 time and I knew. I called the OW and she was very honest with me. She told me if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. He isn't happy with you. Wow I hated her, but you know she was right at the time.

We decided to work on our M. It wasn't easy because I was truly broken when I found out and I made his life a living ****. I checked his phone records, email accounts, if he wasn't with me he had to call and check in, I even made him give me all his passwords. Yes I was a real B. Counseling didn't help me deal with the hurt very well or the trust issue. This went on for a long time. It's a wonder he stayed with me because I was miserable and I made him that way. Things finally got better and I could trust him somewhat again. Sometime in those bad days he started loving me more than I did him. He didn't act the same around other women or in general. (you know he didn't flirt in public, he wouldn't hang up the phone when I walked in the room, or if I asked who it was he told me instead of saying oh just so and so, he wouldn't stay up late at night, and he actually bragged about his family and wife). I missed when that happened because I was too hurt and had my guard up just in case. I was busy making a life revolving around our children not him and yes I started loving him less. I regret that.

So now to fast forward 10 years, deep down I stayed hurt you never forget right. Our oldest child got married and right before he followed in my H footsteps. My H jumped him and told him how wrong cheating was. I thought that was the most offensive thing he had ever said because he had done it and it brought back so many emotions. Well I had a friend at work who was also M and out of anger, hurt, humiliation, whatever I turned to him and he was all to eager to show me the attention I felt my H hadn't for all those years. We connected on such an emotional level that I felt like a teenager again. Long story short when it came right down to it the quilt ate me alive and less than a week after our first alone time I confessed to my H. He was shocked to say the least. I then ended the A with NC and changed jobs. It wasn't long after that his W found out but I wasn't the only one. I don't know what is happening in their M and I really don't care. I know that sounds cold but from what I understand there were at least 3 other women on the side. I still feel bad for his W because I hurt her as well. I never spoke with her but if she had called I would have told her the truth which also probably sounds cold but I see it that if she cared enough to find out both sides then she deserved the truth. I can't tell anyone on here to call the OW or OM but you won't know if you have the real truth until you hear both sides. I did and that's how I knew my H was being totally honest. If he hadn't been I prob would have left.

So back to me and my H we are still working on our marriage and I wish I had worked harder when it happened and let go of his mistake. He grew up in that time and I didn't.

I'm finally sharing my story because so many of you ask can you make it through it and how do you. So from experience Yes you can but you have to let go and move on. No you won't ever forget but you can't hold 1 mistake against your partner forever or one day you may find yourself in their shoes. Don't fool yourself into thinking your not that type of person, I did and I have to live with the quilt of what I did for the rest of my life and yes it bothers me every day. I go to church and have a very strong faith, so I'm dealing with that too. I wish I could go back and change it but I can't. I hurt my H and it doesn't matter what he did he didn't deserve that. He really loves me and I'm thankful that he did forgive me.

We work on our marriage everyday and it is both of us. If you decided to stay then really commit to each other. Tell your H or W how you feel and be honest good or bad. Take the time to do little things like you did when you were first dating and make time for yourselves. This is a healing process and it is different for everyone but you both must be committed and not just acting. Both of you must disclose everything, no hidden phones, emails or friends. You will be able to tell if your spouse is really working on it or just trying to put out the flames until they can go back to their old ways. Follow your gut instinct which you probably had when the A was going on.

You can forgive once but for those who have spouses that have done it numerous times, work on yourself, build up your self worth and get out. Believe me you are worthy of better and you deserve to be happy.

1) Affairs aren't mistakes. It didn't accidently happen. It was a choice and unless it was a ONS, it was more than one choice. It was a series of poor decisions made that causes long lasting pain and destruction.

2)Not fooling myself at all. I know I can't do that because I couldn't do that to another person's family. I saw what my family (children and extended)went through. Could I put a knife between his eyes...more than likely....I too am working on that aspect.

While I respect your warning for other BS's one should never assume all people are capable of having an affair. Many blessings for you continued recovery.

June 30, 2010

...Our oldest child got married and right before he followed in my H footsteps. My H jumped him and told him how wrong cheating was. I thought that was the most offensive thing he had ever said because he had done it and it

...So back to me and my H we are still working on our marriage and I wish I had worked harder when it happened and let go of his mistake. He grew up in that time and I didn't.

Who better to warn your son of the dangers of cheating than his father, a REFORMED cheater? I suspect you see this now?

Wow, it's refreshing to see someone own up to their responsibilities and do the day-to-day work that is REQUIRED to make a marriage last. You can spend your life jumping from SO to SO, or you can dig your heels in, roll up your sleeves and do the work with the SO you have now. If we were immortal we could search all three billion potential mates, but that will never be an option.

There is great value and pride in a marriage you build together. You will be neither in the 50% who divorce or the 75% who are unhappy in their marriage, by the love and commitment you both share you will be in the elite who "make it work and go the distance".

Thank you for posting.

June 30, 2010

This is the 2nd M for me and my H. We brought children to the M and then had 2 of our own. We have been together for 16 years. Within 2 years of our M my H had an A. My world crashed when I found out and I found out he didn't confess. I just had a gut feeling and all it took was checking phone records 1 time and I knew. I called the OW and she was very honest with me. She told me if it wasn't her it would have been someone else.

and that excuses her spreading her legs for a married man? don't think so.

what she said about her husband's feelings may be true, but she can go blow if she thinks it excuses her wh0re-like behavior.

We decided to work on our M. It wasn't easy because I was truly broken when I found out and I made his life a living ****.

and he made yours a living hell by pretty much putting you through mental abuse now that you have to sit there and try to block out the thoughts of what he did in your head. THAT is a living hell. your need for disclosure and checking up on him is nothing.

Why? because that won't last forever, the thoughts you have of his cheating will never go away. they may fade and won't be as hurtful, but they will always be there.

I checked his phone records, email accounts, if he wasn't with me he had to call and check in, I even made him give me all his passwords. Yes I was a real B.

sounds like you think this of yourself because he gaslighted you. Was he to think that he could get away with his behavior with a slap on the wrist? Of course you need proof that he is working on the marriage and staying on the straight and narrow.

Now if this were 5 years down the road and you are still doing all these things, THEN there is a problem.

Counseling didn't help me deal with the hurt very well or the trust issue. This went on for a long time. It's a wonder he stayed with me because I was miserable and I made him that way.

but all these things you did AFTER his cheating. I am now of the firm belief that he gaslighted you.

Things finally got better and I could trust him somewhat again. Sometime in those bad days he started loving me more than I did him. He didn't act the same around other women or in general. (you know he didn't flirt in public, he wouldn't hang up the phone when I walked in the room, or if I asked who it was he told me instead of saying oh just so and so, he wouldn't stay up late at night, and he actually bragged about his family and wife). I missed when that happened because I was too hurt and had my guard up just in case. I was busy making a life revolving around our children not him and yes I started loving him less. I regret that.

but you can't blame yourself for that.

Well I had a friend at work who was also M and out of anger, hurt, humiliation, whatever I turned to him and he was all to eager to show me the attention I felt my H hadn't for all those years.

of course the assh0le was. he is praying on an emotionally vulnerable woman. and if you stayed with your husband, don't become what he is. because you will have become no better in that regard.

So back to me and my H we are still working on our marriage and I wish I had worked harder when it happened and let go of his mistake. He grew up in that time and I didn't.

but that is the way you feel and you wouldn't have to deal with that if he hadn't screwed another woman. this is not your fault.

Yes you can but you have to let go and move on. No you won't ever forget but you can't hold 1 mistake against your partner forever or one day you may find yourself in their shoes.

I'll never find myself in the shoes of a cheater. It just aint gonna happen. I know this about myself.

and 1 "mistake", if you want to call it that, ends up giving the person they hurt memories of their betrayal forever, whether you move on or not. They might as well stab you with a knife. It hurts initially, but it heals and eventually doesn't hurt any longer. But then there is that ugly scar to remind you.

Don't fool yourself into thinking your not that type of person, I did and I have to live with the quilt of what I did for the rest of my life and yes it bothers me every day.

no fooling about it. I don't cheat, never have, never will. If someone cheats on me, I'm out of there.

there are people out there that KNOW they will never cheat. Just because you did, doesn't mean others can't stay true to their principles.

I go to church and have a very strong faith, so I'm dealing with that too. I wish I could go back and change it but I can't. I hurt my H and it doesn't matter what he did he didn't deserve that. He really loves me and I'm thankful that he did forgive me.

well what kind of man would he be if he got to have his full blown affair, and you forgave him, but then he didn't forgive you for an EA?

I'll never best anyone for deciding to stay with a cheater. I sympathize with them completely.

but I do think that when he cheated that he brainwashed you into thinking you were a horrible person or something. again, I think you were gaslighted back then.

Edited June 30, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

June 30, 2010

Was this supposed to be some kind of success story?

Because it sounds like living hell.

The OP spent 10 years in misery, not getting over the affair, and torturing/ignoring her husband.

Then, after all that time, still unable to move on, she acts out and has her own affair.

Once the revenge affair has been completed, 10 plus years later, she goes to church and has found peace.

I just don't see how, or why, any of this is to be applauded. Sounds like many wasted and unhappy years, trying to forge a marriage with a cheater.

June 30, 2010

I just don't see how, or why, any of this is to be applauded. Sounds like many wasted and unhappy years, trying to forge a marriage with a cheater.

which is why I always say life is too short to stay with one.

June 30, 2010

Welcome to LS.

My H jumped him and told him how wrong cheating was. I thought that was the most offensive thing he had ever said because he had done it and it brought back so many emotions

Actually, he would be the proper person to say this to your son. Oh, and now you too. You can both speak from experience of what A's can do to a M.

and he made yours a living hell by pretty much putting you through mental abuse now that you have to sit there and try to block out the thoughts of what he did in your head. THAT is a living hell. your need for disclosure and checking up on him is nothing.

Ok, I kinda have to disagree Dexter. The H cheated, she forgave him and chose to work on their M, he improved his behavior (I don't see her saying otherwise), she didn't move past his A (some of us don't), how was that "him making her life a living hell"?

She made a choice to stick through with it. She decided to stay living this life for the past 14yrs for the sake of keeping her M. The same way that she could have decided to end it and live a better life. Her choices.

June 30, 2010

... The same way that she could have decided to end it and live a better life. Her choices.

There is no guarantee that she would have a better life by leaving. It's not easy for a cheater to build new "normal" relationships.

June 30, 2010

which is why I always say life is too short to stay with one.

Agreed!

There is no guarantee that she would have a better life by leaving. It's not easy for a cheater to build new "normal" relationships.

Oh, I get the feeling the OP cheated by default. I don't think it was in her original nature to be a cheater. I think she grew into it from 10 years of hatred, resentment and bitterness. She stopped caring about her H, and herself.

And after hearing what her M was like all those years post-affair, I think she would have been FAR better off alone, than living in that emotional torment.

June 30, 2010

There is no guarantee that she would have a better life by leaving. It's not easy for a cheater to build new "normal" relationships.

She wasn't the "cheater" 14 yrs ago, when she decided to stick to her M. Her H was. Maybe you misread the post.

She cheated years later when he life had already been a "living hell". Yes, her H tainted their M, but she decided to stay in it and work it out. Why is he being made out to be the only one responsible for what she has turned her life into?

June 30, 2010

and that excuses her spreading her legs for a married man? don't think so.
what she said about her husband's feelings may be true, but she can go blow if she thinks it excuses her wh0re-like behavior.

I normally wouldn't comment, but I really took offense to the quote above. Not ever OW is a wh0re, spreading her legs for whomever. I happen to be an OW right now - something I NEVER thought I'd be. I'm a child of divorce and I've seen first-hand the destruction that an A can cause. I hate a part of myself for being the OW. The problem is that we can't control who we love. I never intended to fall for my MM. In fact, I did everything possible to avoid this situation. I am not blaming it on fate or anything so trite - all I can say is that I have never in my life met anyone who feels as much like my "other half" as he does.

NOW, that being said, let me say that I know reality. I KNOW I will never be with him. The PA is over. We are struggling not to be an EA, and I think with time that will fade too. My MM is in love with me, and I'm in love with him and it will make a great Lifetime movie script - except for the fact that there is no happy ending.

I wake up every day hating myself for being the OW. For doing that to some other, unsuspecting woman. The worst part is that he never has told me bad things about her, or made excuses. He and I just met - and like two magnets - bam! It wasn't a physical attraction either. I mean on his side I think it was more so, but for me, its been mental, emotional, inexplicable. Despite the drama that has happened, I can't imagine not having him in my life as a friend. He knows me, and reads me, better than anyone I've ever met. Yeah yeah it sounds cliche but its true.

What I want to say is to the BS (spouse?) who originally posted - I am so sorry for your hurt. I can't speak for all the OW out there, but for me, I never intended to hurt anyone. I fell in love - and hard. Harder than I ever have before. To the point that I would give up everything for this person. My MM and I have both agreed that in another time, another life, we'd be together. But not here and not now. So we deal with it.

However some OW are spiteful, and they take pleasure in what they do. Just know that not all of us do. Some of us - maybe a small few, I don't know - but some of us are truly pulled in by that once-in-a-lifetime force and true love. And sometimes MM really do love their wives, but can realise that there is another type of love out there - a soulmate type - that just comes along and knocks you off your feet with no warning. That doesn't take anything away from the life they've built with you, or the home you two have made together.

I probably haven't made much sense, but I wanted to just share another perspective.

June 30, 2010

Thank you all for your comments. There are so many but there are a few things that I do want to mention.

1st by no means am I saying everyone will cheat on their spouses nor did I find religion after the affair. I had always grown up in church and made it a very big part of my life and raised our children that way. I always said I would never cheat on someone or date a MM, I just wouldn't do that to someone. I had been cheated on before and I left. I had the motto no 2nd chances and I lived by it until my H affair. I stayed because I truly loved him and I truly loved my children and wanted them to grow up with both parents. We never discussed the A in front of them or our families out of respect for each other. I felt it wasn't my place to influence anyone else's opinion of him, again my personal feelings. He really was and still is a good man, he made a dumb decision. To this date our children, families and friends do not know what we did and that is a personal decision that was best for us. We both truly believe people can make bad decisions and can change.

Something inside me changed during the years after DD and I developed emotions for the friend at work that led to me making a big mistake and yes it was a mistake. I trully regret it because I brought myself down to the level that I always said I would never be at. Again I deal with that daily. I won't blame it on my H's A totally because I made the choice but his A changed me and this other man woke up emotions I had put behind a wall for a long time. Again my choice but I was hurt for a long time, so some of you are right I wasn't fully got over my H A even after 10 years.

By no means am I excusing his actions, the OW's actions nor my own. They were Wrong. I mentioned what she said because some on this board stress over if they should call or if the OW or OM with be honest. Again this was my personal experience and it won't be the same for everyone but I did want to share that if that is what it takes for a BS to move on then it's okay just be prepared for what you might hear. Some will be totally honest and that hurts just as bad as if they lied to cover.

The 10 years were not all miserable there were good times and bad. I didn't hold the A over his head at all times but it did come back and those were bad times. We accomplished alot in those 10 years and there are many happy memories but there are also some really horrible ones.

Success story? That depends on the person who is reading it. We are both fully committed to each other now and as I said we work on our marriage every day. So what we both learned is don't take each other or our marriage for granted. We have also learned that friendships with the opposite sex should be with both of us. I have no male friends that my H doesn't know and he has no female friends that I don't know. If you have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex and you can't tell your W or H about it, then it has the potential to harm your M. In my opinion the success will be determined at the end of our journey. If we can look back and there are more happy moments than sad then yes we were a Success.

Again thank you all for you replies. I posted on here in hopes that if someone decides to stay they realize it isn't going to be easy and it will forever change them. They have to allow themselves to go through all the emotions, sadness, anger, and wondering why before they can start to heal and recover but it takes both people and alot of work to make a M work.

Forgiveness takes time but if we don't have it in us then how can we expect others to forgive us. Not implying everyone will cheat but there are times in everyone's life that they hurt someone else even if they don't mean to. I carried around those horrible feelings for years because I didn't know how to truly forgive without letting my guard down. There is no more guard on either of our parts. If I can't love with all I am then there is no sense.

If you decide to stay or leave, I wish everyone the best.

June 30, 2010

I normally wouldn't comment, but I really took offense to the quote above. Not ever OW is a wh0re, spreading her legs for whomever.

assuming I give you the benefit of the doubt and I believe that, it applies to anyone saying or thinking "well, he was gonna cheat anyway, so might as well have been me he did it with"

I happen to be an OW right now - something I NEVER thought I'd be.

and did you once ever think, "might as well be me if he is going to cheat anyway?"

I'm a child of divorce and I've seen first-hand the destruction that an A can cause. I hate a part of myself for being the OW. The problem is that we can't control who we love. I never intended to fall for my MM.

even though that holds no water with me, its a far cry from the OW in this OP's situation.

I wake up every day hating myself for being the OW. For doing that to some other, unsuspecting woman. The worst part is that he never has told me bad things about her, or made excuses. He and I just met - and like two magnets - bam! It wasn't a physical attraction either. I mean on his side I think it was more so, but for me, its been mental, emotional, inexplicable. Despite the drama that has happened, I can't imagine not having him in my life as a friend. He knows me, and reads me, better than anyone I've ever met. Yeah yeah it sounds cliche but its true.

again, while all of this doesn't give you a free pass, its a much different from the attitude OP's OW had.

June 30, 2010

I normally wouldn't comment, but I really took offense to the quote above. Not ever OW is a wh0re, spreading her legs for whomever. I happen to be an OW right now - something I NEVER thought I'd be. I'm a child of divorce and I've seen first-hand the destruction that an A can cause. I hate a part of myself for being the OW. The problem is that we can't control who we love. I never intended to fall for my MM. In fact, I did everything possible to avoid this situation. I am not blaming it on fate or anything so trite - all I can say is that I have never in my life met anyone who feels as much like my "other half" as he does.

NOW, that being said, let me say that I know reality. I KNOW I will never be with him. The PA is over. We are struggling not to be an EA, and I think with time that will fade too. My MM is in love with me, and I'm in love with him and it will make a great Lifetime movie script - except for the fact that there is no happy ending.

I wake up every day hating myself for being the OW. For doing that to some other, unsuspecting woman. The worst part is that he never has told me bad things about her, or made excuses. He and I just met - and like two magnets - bam! It wasn't a physical attraction either. I mean on his side I think it was more so, but for me, its been mental, emotional, inexplicable. Despite the drama that has happened, I can't imagine not having him in my life as a friend. He knows me, and reads me, better than anyone I've ever met. Yeah yeah it sounds cliche but its true.

What I want to say is to the BS (spouse?) who originally posted - I am so sorry for your hurt. I can't speak for all the OW out there, but for me, I never intended to hurt anyone. I fell in love - and hard. Harder than I ever have before. To the point that I would give up everything for this person. My MM and I have both agreed that in another time, another life, we'd be together. But not here and not now. So we deal with it.

However some OW are spiteful, and they take pleasure in what they do. Just know that not all of us do. Some of us - maybe a small few, I don't know - but some of us are truly pulled in by that once-in-a-lifetime force and true love. And sometimes MM really do love their wives, but can realise that there is another type of love out there - a soulmate type - that just comes along and knocks you off your feet with no warning. That doesn't take anything away from the life they've built with you, or the home you two have made together.

I probably haven't made much sense, but I wanted to just share another perspective.

Whether you take pleasure in what you do or not....It is your choice to aid in hurting someone else. You can control your actions even if your emotions render your brain stem non functioning. No force can make you do someone else wrong. That is a choice that many make and declare it "uncontrollable love". If he were a drug dealer, child molester or wife beater would you love hold you too him? If you say yes, then being an OW is the least of your issues. Your perspective has been thrown out there more than once. It still makes as much sense as frog with a tuxedo.

To the OP, again I respect your post and the life changes you are continueing to make.

July 2, 2010

We work on our marriage everyday and it is both of us. If you decided to stay then really commit to each other. Tell your H or W how you feel and be honest good or bad. Take the time to do little things like you did when you were first dating and make time for yourselves. This is a healing process and it is different for everyone but you both must be committed and not just acting.

So, this part is bull****? Because I never know which part is the bull****. She is claiming she and her husband worked through these tough times and made it out the other side, is she not?

This is what worked for them. Speculation on what might have been if either had chosen a different path in the past is just that, speculation. If you think you know, you're wrong.

You don't want to do the work, you want to bail. Fine. They stuck it out and made it work. Good for them.

You're going to do the work with one person or you're going to bail on many people and then figure out you have to do the work, or you're just going to be alone. No relationship is perfect, the grass is not greener.

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